Your Way of Being – Part VII

Dec 27, 2009 by Peggy Nolan

(author’s note:  These are my own experiences applying conflict resolution strategies.  Your mileage may vary!)

What I’m having trouble with is – what if they really are causing the problem? What then?  ~ BelleRouge

Collusion is “a conflict where the parties are inviting the very things they’re fighting against.”  Another way to say this is a quote by Carl Jung, “what you resist will persist.”

In other words, the very behavior that I resist in others, the very behavior I fight against, persists…because as long as I’m at war with it, I invite it into my life.

This is absolutely crazy, I agree.  But have  you ever found yourself in the same fight, the same argument over and over and over again? Isn’t the very definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

What I hate most in Junior is his persistent pathological lying.  He lies about nearly everything and he’s not very good at it.  His lying problem precedes me.  So if the definition of collusion is true,

How am I inviting the very behavior in Junior that I’m fighting against?  I resist the lying yet the lying persists.

And it’s not just the lying.  It’s his entire MO.  He plays the victim.  Nothing’s ever his fault.  It’s everyone else’s fault.  Hec, he even tried to blame Ed the Wonder Dog for cutting a nice “Z” in my couch! (suddenly Ed had opposable thumbs…)  And I’m on the other end of the spectrum. I’m all about integrity, personal accountability, being responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds.

Yet Junior and I are at war.  He thinks the world is out to get him, his teachers are out to get him, I’m out to get him and quite frankly I have days where I feel like it’s my way or the highway.

How I See Junior

• Liar
• Passive Aggressive
• Disconnected
• Negative Self-Image
• Confused
• A False Facade
• Lack  of Confidence
• Low Self-Esteem
• Self-Doubt
• Fear
• Avoidance

How I See Me

• Bad Attitude
• Why Me?
• Frustrated
• Angry
• Impatient
• Rigid
• I Can’t Fix This
• Detached
• Worried

Between the two of us, we’ve got a lot of negative fur flying around between our collective ears.  Interestingly enough, the Arbinger Institute proposes that “the harder Richard and I are on Junior, the more he lies, the more passive-aggressive he becomes.  And the more he lies and the more passive-aggressive he is the harder still we become.”  So in essence what we think about we bring about.  All those feelings I’ve listed above multiply, grow, fester, ooze…

It’s one big fine mess.

How Do We Get Out?

No conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they’re right.”

Junior’s convinced everyone’s out to get him and by golly, it is my way or the high way.  He’s convinced his right.  I’m convinced I’m right.  He blames me and I blame him.

“The deepest way in which we are right or wrong is in our way of being towards others.”

Let me repeat this:

“The Deepest Way In Which We Are Right Or Wrong Is in OUR WAY OF BEING Towards Others.”

Is your heart at war or at peace in your disagreements with your husband, his ex-wife, your step kids, your boss, your sister, the lady down the street?

Most of the time my heart is at war when it comes to Junior.  And I daresay, so is Richard’s.

…perhaps a lecture would serve no purpose and to start one would only hurt an already hurting son.

An Already Hurting Son

It has been two days since I realized that my Junior is a hurting son…and my feelings of anger and frustration only hurt him more.  In realizing that he is hurting deeply on the inside (reasons known only to him), I have been able to alter my way of being.  Yes, he’s still aggravating and helping him with his essay was like pulling teeth, but today I no longer see him as an obstinate jerk.  He’s a hurting child and he deserves my compassion and love.

Yesterday, I changed my heart and a small miracle happened.

The way out is to first change your way of being.  I’m still practicing this and I’m still reading The Anatomy of Peace (and I recommend that you buy a copy for your Tool Box!)

What can you do today to change your heart?

Can you become the change you need to see in your home?

An update:  Since this originally posted in July 2009, Richard and I have seen small changes in Junior that have taken root. He passed summer school and spent the rest of the summer with his mom.  He’s been off ADHD medication since early July and his anxiety levels have dropped to practically zero.  He’s had no outward anger meltdowns and he’s been more helpful than not.  It’s as if we both stopped resisting.  He’s with mom for Christmas break and will return to finish the last 6 months of his senior year.  I hope y’all will celebrate with me when Junior graduates from high school!