You Matter

Jan 28, 2011 by Peggy Nolan

Recently, we asked this question, “What do you struggle with most?” on our facebook fan page. Teresa and I decided to respond to the biggest struggles on the blog.

One stepmom responded, “Being treated like a live-in nanny; having to do all ‘mom’ things, but not being allowed to discipline or say anything and not being asked my opinion about what goes on in the house even though I do all the work and pay bills. Invisibility.”

As Teresa pointed out, we get what we tolerate and we teach others how to treat us based on what we tolerate. If you feel you are being treated like a live-in nanny, why are are you tolerating doing nanny-like things?

When you say you “have to” do something or that you “ought to” that puts you squarely in victim mode – as if you are a passive player in someone else’s life movie. Do you “have to” do all the “mom” things or do you choose to do all the mom things? When we make a choice to do something (or not do something) we become an active participant in our own life. And that’s what counts. I also liked what Jenna said,

You’re not there to raise those kids, you’re there for your marriage.

When it comes to the discipline and having your voice heard in your family, when was the last time you sat down with your husband and really talked (not argued) about household realities and household rules? Do you have clear boundaries on what’s acceptable and what’s not? Do you have consensus and agreement on rules, consequences, and follow-through?

“Even though I do all the work and pay all the bills…”

 

Ohio pointed out I was looking for gratitude and the “isn’t she a great stepmother” pats on the back. Once I “got” that I am fine being myself, I quit trying to get my steps to accept me. It has eased my load so very much. I no longer feel any sense of obligation whatsoever. I attend only what works for my schedule, I don’t do their laundry, prepare meals, clean their rooms, etc…If you can’t treat me well, then you don’t get the perks that I bring to the relationship either.

Self-sacrifice or martyrdom is a huge con – your job isn’t to do for others that which they can do for themselves. Your job is be you…and to be the best you. We don’t do anyone any favors when we dim our light to the point of invisibility. Stand in your power, reclaim your voice, SHINE.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others ~ Marianne Williamson

If you are feeling invisible, I encourage you to come out from underneath or behind your cloak and shine your magnificent light. I assure you, you, your family, and your friends will be all the better for it!

Until next week…

Peggy

Join the forum discussion on this post