What I Wish I Knew When I Started Out

Feb 17, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

Guest post by Joan Sarin, M.S.

I made the mistakes most stepmoms make; my husband made the mistakes most stepdads make, and his ex made the mistakes most ex-wives make.  I’m guessing you made (or may be still making) the same mistakes.  These same mistakes have been going around and around and around… Wait!  Isn’t there something we can do about this problem?

This has been my thinking.  I’m nearly twenty years into a stepfamily that’s actually a delightful family now.  But it surely wasn’t delightful in the beginning. Like almost all stepfamilies, we didn’t have a clue what we were getting into – or we were in denial, putting all our focus on the “happily ever after” ideal image that was in our heads.

We went into our marriage with one child each (7 and 9 years old at the time) – which made for two very neat camps when the children fought – two mini-families at war, in a quick downward spiral.  To top that off, I jumped in too fast as a stepmom trying to run a tight ship,  and quickly won the “wicked stepmother” award in our home.  My son didn’t accept my husband, and a wall built of misunderstanding built up between stepdad and stepson ….Painful years of struggle!  And unfortunately, oh too common!

Eventually, I trained with the Stepfamily Foundation to work with stepfamilies, and learned all about how stepfamilies operate differently from first families.  As a social psychologist, I couldn’t help but see a set of patterns emerge.  As I shared them, the stepmoms I worked with started to feel more like normal people coping with navigating a very foreign territory.  It turned out that knowing the “operating rules” for stepfamilies took the edge off, and considerably shortened, their learning curve.  And when I shared these “operating rules” with stepmoms who had made it “to the other side”, there was an overwhelming chorus of “I wish I’d had that when I started out”.

There’s an emphasis on the stepmom’s experience now (it’s well-deserved, because most of the research shows that her experience tends to be the toughest in the stepfamily).  But the best way to make a positive shift in the family is to look at it as a whole – as a living, interacting system of people, each of whom plays a particular part in the stepfamily drama.  Each role in the stepfamily comes with a set of challenges, a set of complaints, a set of changes to go through.  And the set of challenges, complaints and changes are strikingly common experiences to all those playing that particular role.

I have found that providing training and guidance for stepfamily members can begin to turn a stepfamily around pretty quickly, whether they’re in the beginning stages of upheaval or well into the mire of stepfamily challenges.  The course I’ve developed,  Creating a Successful Stepfamily, goes through a step-by-step process that helps any member of a stepfamily to step out of their limited perspective and start to see the whole picture.  It becomes possible to become aware of and let go of unspoken but crushing expectations… to open up one’s perspective so that the other members of the stepfamily system can take on human characteristics again – and not be so boxed into the stereotypes they’ve been encased in.

Where did we get the idea that we were supposed to know how to make a stepfamily work all on our own?  Even though the stepfamily has been a common family form for much longer than people realize, we don’t have a positive cultural norms for it, or a   general understanding of how to make it work effectively.  I don’t know about you, but “they” didn’t tell me how to do it right!

I decided to something about this serious lack of training.  There are two statistics that  just scream to me:  as of 2010, the number of stepfamilies is expected to surpass that of  first families; and less than a third of stepfamilies make it!  Most manufacturers have instituted six sigma programs to reduce failure rates to far less than one percent – but we’re accepting a failure rate of 70% in something as important as our most prevalent family type… Are we mad??

It’s time to institute expert training – bringing in up-to-date research knowledge and a bird’s eye view, to train people in how the stepfamily system works.  Creating a Successful Stepfamily brings in this broader view, and synthesizes the best information from both of the most respected organizations in the field: the Stepfamily Foundation and the National Stepfamily Resource Center, as well as the newest and best literature on the topic.  Importantly, it’s taught by someone who’s been there, and done it- successfully.

I am very happy to say that my family beat the statistics, because I adore my family.  Maybe because stepfamilies can be so hard, it’s tremendously gratifying to make it to the success line (here’s a happy research finding: once stepfamilies make it to the 5-year mark, they’re the most stable family type around!).  I got a phone call from my stepdaughter today in France, telling me about some exciting European adventures ahead.. and afterwards my head was spinning with so much joy for her I realized I couldn’t be happier if she was my own daughter…  And my son and my husband now have tremendous mutual appreciation, and the bond between them continues to grow.

Once you learn the rules of the stepfamily, playing the game can be great fun!

About Joan

Joan Sarin, M.S. is a social psychologist and stepfamily educator (master coach with the Stepfamily Foundation).  Her website, www.StepmomSOS.com provides  training and guidance for stepfamily members; her 6-week online webinar Creating a Successful Stepfamily is endorsed by top professionals in the field of stepfamily relations.