Bonus Mom of the Month – June
Meet Kristi
The Step Moms Tool Box Bonus Mom for June 2009!
Kristi is one of my sister step moms from SMOMS (Step Moms on a Mission) and I’ve had the pleasure of knowing her for quite sometime. Recently, Kristi had her step mom epiphany…that light bulb moment that’s so encouraging for other step moms. I knew I had to interview her when I read her break-through moment on SMOMS.
“It was hard, owning up to the fact that I am causing my own drama by feeling the need to control DH, BM and SD and the relationship they all have together.”
TBG: So Kristi, tell me about yourself and how you met your husband.
Kristi: After my first marriage ended, I was able to transfer with my job to another location. That’s where I met Rod in 2002. We didn’t get to know each other until 2003, when we started dating. By then, he was working for another company, but it was through our mutual friends that we were able to make our connection. We got married June 10, 2005.
TBG: Happy Anniversary!
Kristi: Thank you!
TBG: And how many kids do you have?
Kristi: I have one step daughter who is eight years old and one bio son who will be two in August.
TBG: So, you’ve been a step mom for awhile now. What’s been your biggest struggle?
Kristi: For me, my biggest personal struggle has been not knowing my place. Always questioning “where do I fit in?” and always knowing “I’m not the mom.” My role as a step mom continues to shift and change.
My other struggle has been with my step daughter’s mother. Things started out OK, after the first few months, the hostility, anger, and aggression kicked in. I wanted to retaliate, but I knew I could not. I’m not an angry person, but the anger directed towards me has changed me.
TBG: How so?
Kristi: It became evident in every part of my life…including my marriage.
TBG: I know how tough the anger can be. And I also know that even with the anger there are good things. What are your good things?
Kristi: You know, I have this amazing relationship with my step daughter. I’m like a mom but more like a mentor. My step daughter will talk to me about things that she doesn’t talk to either her mom or her dad about, so I feel like I’ve got this very special job, role, in her life.
TBG: I can’t agree more. I know that’s how I feel with all of my step children! Now…let’s get to the juicy part…tell me about your epiphany…what were you doing when the proverbial light bulb went off?
Kristi: I know exactly what I was doing. I was creating the schedule for the remainder of the year – June through December! I was getting ready to print out something that took me four hours to create when I suddenly realized that fours hours of effort just didn’t matter.
TBG: Why? Why didn’t it matter?
Kristi: I wasted fours hours of creating this schedule in Excel because there’s no follow through. I was crafting this schedule based on my husband’s schedule and the CO schedule and I realized that this is my husband’s responsibility…not mine.
TBG: So…what did you do?
Kristi: I deleted it. I deleted the schedule. I told my husband that he knows his work schedule and that he knows the schedule of the CO and that this is “yours.” I was nice about it. I wasn’t mean, nagging, or bitter. I just realized that this belonged to him.
TBG: How did you feel when you realized that this was your husband’s responsibility?
Kristi: You know…I felt great. I realized that I no longer wanted to tell my husband what to say or do when it came to his ex-wife.
TBG: Why?
Kristi: Because I realized that it’s HIS RELATIONSHIP to manage. Not mine.
TBG: Wow! That’s so big! What else did you realize?
Kristi: I realized that he IS capable of dealing with his relationships and he doesn’t need me dictating to him “it’s my way or the highway.” I realized that I convinced myself that I was helping but in reality I was controlling. Ånd trying to control his interactions with his ex-wife was putting my marriage at risk.
TBG: How did this make you feel?
Kristi: Like the weight of the world suddenly disappeared. I felt happier, sillier, lighter, carefree…the battles with his ex-wife were making me feel very old and I suddenly felt young again. More importantly, it felt so amazing not to be in his ex-wife’s business!
TBG: Not to be in the ex-wife’s business…sounds like you’re finally reading Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
Kristi: I am! And I can’t wait to get to the last chapter! I’m excited about life again!
TBG: And I’m excited for you! I love seeing my sister SMOMS have their epiphany! Now that you’ve had yours, what advice do you have for step moms everywhere?
Kristi:
First – remember they have a mom! You don’t have to like her or agree with her. You will never replace her. You don’t have to change who YOU are, but just remember, the mom is there…she’s a presence.
Second – Let go of your need to control! You are not the secretary of the custody battle. Don’t forget who YOU are and what YOU like to do. Don’t enable your husband or boyfriend. Don’t lose yourself in HIS battle. Don’t provide the answers…just be there to help and support when asked…and whatever you do, don’t take over.
And Third (can I have a third?) Think about what YOU are trying to accomplish. Have the finish line in mind – whether it’s your goals about parenting, roles, responsibilities, etc., know what you want your end result to be. Without this, you will just spin your wheels, get over-involved and become nosey, curious, feel entitled, and become a little too controlling. I know…I did.
TBG: That’s great advice! Thank you for sharing your amazing story!
Krisit: My pleasure!
