The Stepmom Stepback – Part II

Apr 5, 2011 by Peggy Nolan

Welcome to Part II of our series on Disengagement or The Stepmom Step Back. The new dance craze was coined by the author of this article, Erin Erickson. Erin co-hosts The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show and she is the author of the blog, The Erin Experiment.

The Stepmom Step Back: In the Beginning

Similar to Teresa’s stepdaughter’s struggle with depression, my stepdaughter struggled with her own demons, particularly ones that affected her eating habits.

My stepdaughter had gone from macaroni-and-cheese loving 11 year old to a barely eating pre-teen seemingly overnight and no one seemed to want to admit there was a problem except me. When the pediatrician confirmed an eating disorder, my stepdaughter, her mom and my husband reacted like I imagine most people would: they blamed me.

We were able to get my stepdaughter into a treatment program right away and the entire family rallied around her. We’d suddenly become soldiers in a war against a disorder we didn’t like or understand.

The hospitalization was stressful to our entire family. My husband – never one to endure emotionally stressful situations very well – sought refuge from the strict meal plans and family therapy visits by choosing to accept work assignments that required him to travel to — and live in – the other side of the country.

I could see how much stress my stepkids’ mom was under. I threw myself into the care and handling of my stepson, my stepdaughter and even their mom. All the while, my husband remained 5 states away trying to wrap his head around his daughter’s aversion to food.

Once my stepdaughter was released from the hospital, I worked from home for months on end to get her to and from appointments and treatment visits. I took the kids a few nights a week to give their mom some time off from being mom. To most, I was a saint in stepmom’s clothing; but inside, I was starting to crumble.

My husband was gone, I was stressed and I was trying to keep it all together for everyone. I felt guilty for my stepdaughter’s disorder and for her father’s long distance work. I overcompensated by doing everything I thought my husband would have done as well as things my stepkids’ mom wished she had time to do.

My intense involvement continued on for a year. My husband continued to detach while simultaneously finding jobs further away from us. My stepdaughter continued to recover, but she occasionally regressed. I continued to write on my blog as a means of coping with everything going on in my stepmom life.

And then fate intervened.

While I was looking for ways to peel away from the immense stress I was under, my stepkids’ mom found my blog. She wasn’t happy. She considered my opinions hurtful and took my feelings about my own life as a personal attack on her parenting. She demanded that I have nothing to do with the kids any longer.

It felt like I’d been given permission give up a task that had consumed my every waking hour. I was both fearful and grateful. Once I got over the initial shock, I searched for advice on how to cope with this uncomfortable feeling that my stepkids would be a mess without my involvement.

This is the advice that has stuck with me the most:

1. As I was stepping back, one of my favorite mom friends, Jennifer Newcomb Marine, reminded me that my stepkids already had a mom and a dad. Their mom and dad may not be making the choices I would make, but were the ones legally responsible for these children.
2. When my stepdaughter would regress in her recovery, it was Peggy Nolan who reminded me that I didn’t break my stepchild(ren) and it’s not my job to fix them; what is my job is to love them the best I can.
3. When I grew resentful of how much I’d been doing for a family that didn’t seem to appreciate me, Wilma Ham reminded me that the only people who like a martyr are the people that take advantage of one and they’ll never tell you to stop.

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What do you think? Have you buried yourself in your role of stepmom? Are you wondering why your efforts aren’t appreciated? We’d love to hear from you!

Don’t forget to tune in to our round table discussion on Monday, April 11, 2011 at 8 PM EST!