The Stepmom Mirror
The next time you have a judgmental thought that effects you, please look within to see why it is bothering you so much. You may be surprised at what you learn. ~ Nadia at Happy Lotus
How often have you had a judgmental thought about your husband’s ex-wife that has really effected you? You felt angry or frustrated with something she did or did not do and you passed judgement on her.
How could she? How dare she? I would never do that! Reasonable people don’t do what she just did! What kind of mother would do that?
The hard truth is,
How could I? How dare I? I probably would do that! I’m reasonable and I did what she did! I’m the kind of mother who would do that.
And so are you.
I’m both a bio mom and a step mom and my two older daughters have a stepmom. When their dad and I got divorced, I did some pretty nutty things. Divorce makes you crazy. Or at least it made me crazy for about 6 months, then hostile for another six months, and sometime during my dance with breast cancer, I simply accepted my life as it was – a divorced mom of two teenagers and a breast cancer patient. And my life became better…exponentially better. So, whatever judgements my ex and his wife were passing on me, oh say “the crazy ex-wife from hell” you can bet what they were looking at was a projection of themselves. It was easier for both of them to pass judgement on me rather than look at the damage they caused or accept responsibility for their own “crazy” behavior.
In 2006 I added stepmom to my resume. And I spent the better part of year two passing judgement on my husband’s ex-wife. As a mom, I can’t imagine not wanting to do the mom things for my daughters. But guess what, when my life was a mess, I wasn’t doing the mom things for my daughters. When I judged my husband’s ex-wife on her less than stellar mom-abilities, I was really looking at myself and where I fell short when my life was upside down.
The next time you pass judgement on your husband’s ex-wife, I challenge you to look inside yourself and see where it’s coming from.
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Great post Peggy!!! It’s so hard to reflect back on yourself when you are feeling hurt etc. but it’s so nice to have reinforcements like these!
Thanks!
Dear EWO,
It is hard, but I can tell you that it does get easier with time and practice. I used to bear the brunt of those judgements – my daughter would come home from her dad’s and tell me, “dad doesn’t think you provide a stable home.” That got me Every. Time. she said it. And when I fell down that slippery sloppy slope I found myself passing the same judgement on my husband’s ex-wife. And it dawned on me…I’ve walked in her shoes.
I’ve been lurking on your blog for awhile, and I had to comment on this post:
I’m not perfect, and I will be the first to admit my own shortcomings. But I’ve dealt with a bio-mom for 11 years now who consistently neglects, ignores, and lies to her four children while she hops around from man to man. Sure, we all have periods in our lives when we can’t give 100 percent, but how long must we wait for her to become human? After this amount of time (and extensive emotional damage to her kids) I think she deserves any judgment she receives, from me or her kids. What do you think?
Hi Mean Stepmom (which I’m sure you’re not!)
That’s a very good question. One thing to keep in mind the next time you go to pass judgement on her is that karma, God, the Universe is a far greater judge than you will ever be. Your skids’ mom is where she is today because of the choices and decisions she’s made up to this point in her life. You don’t have to agree with what she thinks, says or does, but you can shrug it is off with a “sounds about right.” One of the best ways to deal with unreasonable people is not to. The best way to deal with wicked people is with indifference because our goal is to maintain peace and poise in our own mind. One English translation of my favorite Yoga Sutra 1:33 is “By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion toward the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff retains its undisturbed calmness.” (hmmmm…I think this deserves a post of its own!)
Thanks for de-lurking and making such an awesome contribution to the Toolbox!
I popped over from Mean Stepmom’s blog.
You’ve an excellent post. (and a new follower!)
I concur about how we subconsciously find fault in others which is actually lacking within ourselves. Very thought provoking. Thanks.
Hi Nancy!
Thanks for popping over today
and for being a new follower! I jumped over to your blog and love what I read! xo
I am new to your site and have really enjoyed what you write. This is an excellent post and one I must keep in mind! It is so easy to find fault.
I struggle so with my step-children and admire your relationship with yours. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Hello! I too popped over from Mean Stepmom’s blog. I too thought this was an excellent post. I’ve been working on trying my best not to judge far before I became an instant mom, and although the judgments still might instantly fly through my thoughts I’ve learned that by stopping myself and asking myself “Do you really have the knowledge to make this opinion?” helps me step down off a high horse.
I’m not a mom yet, but I know that there really is no perfect method of parenting. I think as long as a parent tries his or her best and honestly puts a effort into parenting than that’s what you’ve got. But I still think that you have to go through the motions of being upset or angry or frustrated with an action of another person to able yourself to let it roll off. At least that has been my experience. Some actions my stepkids’ bio mom makes I now can let roll off, and yet others I still kind of have to get mad before I can calm down.
Hi Ohio – please feel free to ask any questions or let me know if there’s something specific you want to address with your stepkids. I have two guests lined up for October who can specifically address problems/issues with children!
Hi Crys! Thank you for stopping over! There are still some things that Junior’s mom will do that make my eyes cross, but these days it doesn’t last long. Borrowing a line from Kung Fu Panda, I remind myself that I’m a Peach Tree and she’s a Pear Tree. Neither right nor wrong, just different.
Thank you! I have no relationship with my stepchildren. (SD – 14/SS – 12). They say nothing to me but hi in the morning and good night in the evening. They have nothing to do with me. When I was first married, I did everything — took them to and fro school, packed lunches, made dinner, laundry because my husband had a long commute to work and couldn’t. Last fall he took a job that was local and was able to take kids to/from school and such and now they have nothing to say to me. We have them every other week for a week, so suffice it to say, it is very dysfunctional. Also, they are active in nothing so they are always around. Talk about stressful. Living with two people in your own house who do nothing but eat and hog the screens (television/computer) and don’t engage is just, strange to me. Any advice?
Hi Peggy!
)
Great post. One of my favorite sayings is “We hate in others, what we can’t see in ourselves.”
Typically, that’s a hard pill to swallow. I try to keep it in my mind though even if I fight it. My main problem with the X is that she manipulates and uses his compassions against him to get what she wants. Then she turns around and lies about him. “He didn’t get me a mother’s day present” I was with him when he did. It is very frustrating. If you did a post on this please direct me
Angelia – why is your BF getting his ex wife a mother’s day present? She’s not his mother. Now…it’s perfectly ok for him to help his kids out with getting her a gift, but him? Boundaries hon, boundaries!
My husband’s ex-wife also takes advantage of his good nature and big heart – he and I have had the discussion at least three times. The first time he thought I had three heads. The second time he thought I was from another planet (I might be, but that’s a different story) and the third time he got it. Because I got a little back up from *her* oldest brother. Richard acknowledged that I was looking out for him (I’m territorial that way) and he realized that he needed to treat his ex more like an ex and less like an extended family member at times.
My point (yes, I have one) is that your BF needs to learn that NO is a complete sentence. At least then, when she tells everyone he didn’t get her a mother’s day present, she’s telling the truth.
Ohio,
What do you do to engage your stepchildren? Is there anything you do with them on your own? Junior and I used to Thai Kickbox together until he failed English this past year. But I also do stuff with him outside of kickboxing. I also spend time with my stepdaughters. My oldest comes over to practice yoga with me and my youngest is over all the time (she lives 10 minutes from us).
What are you doing to build your relationship with them?
I used to enjoy cooking with them. Also, playing corn hole and watching professional football with stepson. We would also play Wii. But lately, they want nothing to do with me. I invited them to play mini-golf and other activities this summer, the answer is always no.
Now, there are some things they enjoy that I don’t so I “sit them out”. I don’t like to hunt so I stay home when they go hunting. (I am not fond of killing things) Also, I am very aware they want time alone with their Father, so I am conscious of that and allow ample time for the three of them to have time by themselves.
Great post. And I think that SM or not, we can all look inward and ask these questions when we feel ourselves judging others. And as you pointed out, that’s the time when we need to ask ourselves, “How much of this is mine?” – G
I’m a relatively new member on Stepchicks and I am popping over from there. Great post!
I’m both a stepmom and biomom. My son also has a stepmom, so I have an extended family that includes my son’s stepmom and my stepkid’s mom. Follow that? Sure you did, because you all have been there, too. Anyway, sometimes I think I need to exercise discernment which hopefully is somewhat different from judgment. Many times the reality isn’t that pretty and my stepkids’ mom has done things I honestly have never done and would never do. Some think she has mental health issues, some think she is just mean, but one thing I do know, there are parts of my reflection that just don’t show when I look at her. I think it is important as well to be able to tell when the stuff we are owning is ours to own, and when it might actually belong to someone else.
I love this! Yoga Sutra 1:33 is “By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion toward the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff retains its undisturbed calmness.”
Hi Lsdinaz!
A lot of what I write about is about reasonable and responsible people. If there are mental health issues involved, than the person probably isn’t reasonable or responsible. Make sense? We can’t always know for sure what’s going on in other people’s lives.
Dealing with my exhusband is like dealing with an unreasonable person. In 2002, right before we divorced, he was diagnosed with narcissitic personality disorder (NPD), which makes any dealings with him erratic. I never know which Ex is going to show up. Currently, it’s the mean, nasty, evil EXH. And he’s most definitely not a reflection of me. (Although I do feel an incredible sadness for my daughters)
I am glad you stopped in from StepChicks! (What a great group Erin created!)
Totally makes sense. Thanks, Peggy. Honestly, I think I sometimes envy those that sound like they actually have sane and reasonable exes to deal with. At least in those cases there is hope to find some common ground on which to tread. It makes me a little sad that the likelihood of this ever happening in my case is nil to nonexistant. Don’t get me wrong! I am not ruling out the possibility of more congenial relations, but I temper my optimism with a huge dose of reality these days. Probably a good lesson to learn, all in all.
This is a great website! Thank you so much!
Hi Lsdinaz!
Most stepmoms have an unreasonable bio-mom to deal with. Unfortantely, I’m the opposite. For the most part, my husband’s ex-wife is a dream come true. She really is my ex-wife-in-law. I’ve been hoping for the common ground on which to tread with my ex-husband. I’ll remain hopeful and stubbornly optimistic, but I really do have to put Yoga Sutra 1:33 into play here and treat him with disregard.
Thank you so much for stopping by!