The Stepmom Mantra – Don’t Take It Personally
Aren’t you just loving our guest bloggers? I told you you’d be in for a treat! When I saw our next guest blogger, Gayla Grace’s blog title, I thought she must be my cosmic twin. “Don’t Take It Personally” has been my life mantra ever since Don Miguel Ruiz’ book “The Four Agreements” found me in 2002 and I’ve been applying the second agreement to my stepmom role since I became one in 2006. Without further adieu, here’s Gayla’s article!
The Stepmom Mantra – “Don’t Take it Personally”
When my stepdaughter was younger, I was overly sensitive to things she said to me. One day we were talking about how she liked her mom to French-braid her hair and she said to me, “Why can’t you French-braid my hair? I think it’s weird that you don’t know how.”
Well, that was enough to hurt my feelings. I couldn’t recognize the fact that she wanted me to be more involved in her life and this was something we could do together. Instead, I took it as a personal attack.

The stepmom role is a complicated one but sometimes we make it harder because of our insecurities. We think we’ll never measure up to their biological mom and we compete with her and compare ourselves constantly, always coming up short.
If we learn to spend more time improving upon who we are already, we’ll be a better stepmom. And if our stepchild can’t accept us that way, that’s okay. God created each of us as a unique person.
We might be criticized for being someone different than our stepchild understands. Perhaps she can’t accept our short hair because her mom wears her hair long. Or maybe our stepchild doesn’t understand why we work from home when her mom leaves the house every day at 6:00 a.m. for a corporate job.
But, if we’re secure in who we are, it won’t bother us when our stepchild questions our choices. Our natural reaction becomes: I won’t take that comment personally or get defensive. I will accept her thoughts as her own, even if they’re different from mine.
Stepfamily authority Ron L. Deal says it best in his book, The Smart Stepfamily: “Stepparents cannot afford to be insecure. Stepfamilies were not made for the emotionally fragile.”
It’s easy to be overly sensitive to our stepchildren’s comments. But as we become more confident and at peace with ourselves, we’re better equipped to foster a healthy stepparenting relationship, allowing critical or judgmental comments to slide right past us.
Gayla Grace is a wife and mother to five children in her blended family. She is passionate about helping other stepfamilies due to the struggles she has walked through in her own stepfamily. She and her husband, Randy, have been married more than 15 years. She ministers to stepfamilies through her website and blog at: Step-Parenting with Grace.
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Sound advice Gayla. Hard to do but so important that we don’t take things personally.
Our stepkids often carry pain in their hearts and we, as the stepmoms, wear the bullseye on our back. It’s not us personally, it is the role we play in their lives.
Being secure in who we are will benefit us greatly. Thanks so much for sharing.
Heather
Heather,
You’re so right – “Our stepkids often carry pain in their hearts and we, as the stepmoms, wear the bullseye on our back.” If we can remember that and not take everything our stepchildren do and say personally, we have a much better chance at a healthy relationship with them.
Gayla
Very good advice although I must say, much more difficult to put into practice. It is very hard not to take rude and disrespectful behavior personally. I have found that disengaging and allowing my husband (their father) to do the parenting has someone lessened my resentment/anger. (not completely, but some)
I love Ron Deal’s quote that stepfamilies are not for the emotionally fragile. So very true.
Thanks for the reminder!
Ohio,
Thanks for your comment. I agree with your position on letting your husband step in when you’re struggling with rude and disrespectful behavior. I think it’s better to let the bio parent be the bad guy instead of the stepparent, when possible.
I like that comment by Ron Deal also. A good one to store in our memory bank!
Gayla
I have a problem the childrens mother will not except the fact I am the girls (3) stepmom she says I am merely their babysitter and I am there for their dads convenience while he works an I care for the girls what do I do with this woman I am literlly about to pulkl my hair out!!!!!!
Actually, you do nothing about the girls’ mom. What she thinks is simply a reflection of her reality. You have a different reality. Be yourself. Do what you do with kindness and grace and don’t take what she says personally.