The Power of Choice

Feb 9, 2011 by Teresa Thompson

The most challenging situation I’ve ever had to work with in my life is step-mother-hood. It’s sort of like being a mom yet not even close. Especially when the stepchild lives in your home.

I’ve been both custodial and non-custodial stepmom to my stepdaughter Ami since she was eight. Just the other day I had a small conversation with the girls about the moment this became a reality in both of their lives. The conversation went like this:

Me: What was it like for both of you to become stepsisters out of the blue? (Matt and I eloped just 35 days after we met. It was a surprise for every person who knew us… especially our children)

Ami: Well, I was living at my grandparents, in walks some lady with her daughter, and dad said, “Hey! Meet your new stepmom and stepsister.” I was like, “Ooookkkkk????”

Maleigha: What about me? All of a sudden some guy showed up in my house and never left!

I became a stepmom before I ever met my stepdaughter. I formed an image in my head of what this would mean in my life before it ever became a reality. It was a Brady Bunch daydream minus the Alice. I’ve been back-tracking ever since.

Blending this family has been a huge challenge. It continues to be a challenge. Every day is a work in progress. On the whole I believe we do very well. However, I have my moments when frustration rears up it’s gnarly head and growls in my face. It has been one of those weeks where grrrr is the knee-jerk reaction to everything step-related…

I struggle with the responsibility of raising someone else’s child. She lives in my house and is dependent upon me to care for her, yet I’m not her mom. I love her and want what’s best for her, yet she’s not my daughter. These dynamics in and of themselves are complicated. Throw in 15 year old girl hormones with nearly 40 year old peri-menopause hormones and you’ve got yourself one thin tightrope.

Hmmm, let’s pause for a moment and send our sympathies out to my husband Matt… poor guy.

I love my stepdaughter and want what’s best for her. I also want peace and harmony in my home. The two do not always go hand in hand. The questions that arise from this become:

1. How do I work with this rationally?

2. How do I continue to find love in my heart when I just want to scream?

3. How do I empathize with Ami when she’s driving me crazy?

4. How do I make home a comfortable, peaceful place for Ami during those moments I desperately want her to go live with her mom?

I signed myself up to be a stepmom when I married my husband. I had no idea what that meant at the time, but I’ve accepted the responsibility. It’s had its rewards, its sorrows, its surprises, and its ugliness all wrapped up in a social dynamic sans a decent, honest role-model.

Today, I’m tired. Today, I need a break. Today, I’m not embracing my reality with an open heart. We’ve all been there at one time or another in our lives with something or someone. I think what makes the difference in our lives is how we choose to handle ourselves in the face of adversity and internal conflict.

I choose to make space for me and for Ami.

I choose to try.

I choose to give myself a break when I need it.

I choose to be authentic and hold my integrity.

I choose to be as loving as possible at any given moment.

I choose to be honest and honor my feelings.

I choose to breathe, breathe, breathe.

For anyone out there who is involved in a blended family dynamic… embrace the power to choose whenever possible. There are so many things as a stepparent that are out of my control… living arrangements, child support, visitation schedules… that whenever a choice is mine, I make it thoughtfully and carefully.

“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do.” ~ Shaquille O’Neil

What do I wish to become in this blended family journey? What do I wish to repeatedly do? What is the outcome I desire most?

The answers vary from day to day, but in every one of them, the prevalent word is love… no matter how difficult or challenging the circumstance… I choose love.

Homework: Take a look at your stepmom situation. Where do you have choices? Do you know? If not, why not? Join our forum discussion and write out your top five choices for today!