The Past is a Foreign Country…
They do things differently there…
I have this one particular family member, or I should say, my husband has this one particular family member who is so stuck in the past, that she puts most pinning, angry, bitter ex-wives to shame. My husband’s younger sister, Tina, is a Super. Massive. Black. Hole.
Tina’s ability to suck you into her drama is the reason why my husband hasn’t spoken to her in nearly three years. Unfortunately, my beautiful step daughters, not wanting to be rude or impolite, will entertain the rantings of a mad woman.
Recently, Tina stirred the pot of angst when she contacted my oldest step daughter, Kim, just so she could tell her why she’s not going to my youngest step daughter, Amy’s baby shower. “I heard my sister will be there and me and my girls don’t feel comfortable around her.”
Come again? Tina’s sister (my husband’s older sister), Connie, is fabulous. She’s fun to be around and sweet as can be. In fact, my husband and I just spent time with Connie and her family IN FLORIDA, where Connie lives. Connie isn’t traveling 1400 miles to come to a baby shower, so where Tina got this idea is beyond me.
I only know what I know through the emails Kim started sending me. And then Amy started emailing me. And then my husband’s ex-wife, Carly, started emailing me. All because of Tina and her Super. Massive. Black. Hole†.
You Don’t Have to Go There…
I gave the only advice I could give. DISENGAGE. Kim emailed me and wrote, “I don’t know how I got dragged into a 30 minute conversation with Auntie Tina.”
In my head I thought, “Of course you do…you said Hello and entertained her on the phone for 30 minutes.”
After a fury of flying emails between Kim, Amy, and Carly I decided to Disengage myself. I declared myself a “No Drama Zone,” filled my sweet husband in on the machinations of his twisted sister, called Kim to make sure she was OK (I hate emotional collateral damage), and let Carly know what I told both my step-daughters.
Stop talking to Tina. Disengage. Climb out of the Black Hole.
Tina is living in the past. She is the consummate victim. And she’s not happy unless she’s flinging fear, uncertainity and doubt at other people. My husband no longer entertains her fear fests nor does he play into her dysfunctionality. Neither does Carly. And I haven’t seen Tina since I was 16 years old, so I don’t deal with her at all.
Unfortunately, my beautiful step daughters are Tina’s targets. It’s time Kim and Amy learn how to shut down this toxic person in their lives.
You may know someone like Tina. It could be someone in your own family (there’s always one, right?), it could be someone in your husband’s family, his ex-family, or even someone at work.
What do you do when someone you know wants to drag you into the foreign country known as The Past? What do you say to someone who is trying to suck you into their drama, their victimhood, their Super. Massive. Black. Hole?
Enjoy the Video!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xsp3_a-PMTw]
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My stepkids’ mom is Tina. You have described her to a T. (no pun intended) Recently, she had a positive, reaction to something. One. The first one ever.
I suddenly found myself off in this fantasy land – Oh my gosh, we can be friends, we can all be this big happy family, just like these women who wrote the No One’s A Bitch book!!
But believing in the fantasy would be setting myself up for more disappointment, I think. I have seen T’s entire extended family around her – they are warm, wonderful people. I consider them family in that many stepmoms consider their stepkids extended family to be family. And they all tiptoe around T. The Black Hole. Because if you get to close, you’ll be sucked into the black-hole-ness. It’s not fun. And it zaps your positive energy.
Sigh. Maybe the fantasy will never be reality. The extended family and I mutually adore each other. Maybe that is all I can ask for and for that I should feel very grateful and blessed.
There’s nothing worse than being sucked into some else’s black-hole-ness. I was once married to a Super Massive Black Hole, so I can totally relate!
Take T’s first positive reaction for what it is not for what the fantasy is. It’s a baby step.
It’s wonderful when the extended family embraces you. I have that. Weird but wonderful!