The Ex Is An Ex For A Reason
Integrity. Commitment to Excellence. Stubbornly Optimistic!
I have an unhealthy need to ensure my daughters have a good relationship with their father, my exhusband.
There.
I. Said. It.
This need has caused me grief from the time he and I divorced in 2003. I’m a daughter and I know what it’s like to have an amazing relationship with my dad. I also know what it’s like to believe that I wasn’t good enough and had to prove myself before my dad would love me. In my early 20′s I set out to conquer my world and become the best at everything I did.
It wasn’t until I got divorced and had my run in with breast cancer that I realized that my dad loves and approves of me. He always has. He always will. No matter what hair brained idea I come up with.
So it is within this warped dynamic that I view my daughters’ relationships with their father. A man hard to please. A man full of judgements and criticisms. A man who has a nasty streak as deep as the Grand Canyon. His bitterness runs deep. His words are his weapon of choice…and look out because if you’re in his way, he’ll slice and dice you and leave you with a gaping hole in your heart.
After our divorce, I healed my heart. I repaired myself. I learned “not to throw pearls at swine.” I found my own happiness and grew my own love story.
Today I know that I can no longer carry this unhealthy need to ensure that my daughters have a good relationship with their father. I have tried. Boy. Have. I. Tried. It’s like herding cats, nailing jell-o to a tree, squeezing blood from a turnip. It’s an exercise in futility and I’m tired of repeating it. Oh gosh, what’s that saying?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
That’s it! I’ve been INSANE!
In three weeks, my oldest daughter is getting married to her fine lad from Ireland. The Red Head (well, they both have red hair, but I’m talking about my daughter) tripped over herself when she announced her engagement via Facebook in May (while I was on vacation in the Turks and Caicos no less) and that did cause quite a rumbling between her father, her sister, and me. The Red Head originally wanted to get married on the beach in Lagos, Portugal – which I was more than ok with, if she could wait ten months. Words were said. Emails exchanged. Some not so nice, some even not so much nicer.
But The Red Head and I have something her father does not have with her – a relationship. And we both make deposits into this relationship. Our arguement withdrawal didn’t even dent want we had stored up in our mother-daughter account. We talked on the phone. We made peace. A week later, she called me and asked if it would be OK if she and my future son-in-law could get married when they came home in October. To say I was thrilled is an understatement.
In my excitement, I started planning her wedding. In doing so, I commited the worst offense imaginable – I tried to include my exhusband and his wife. In three months I sent three emails. I didn’t hear back from him and even asked my youngest daughter if he changed his email. She clued me in. He thought I just wanted his money.
I don’t give a rats pa-tootie about his money. It was the farthest thing from my mind. With him I’m either damned if I do or damned if I don’t. I’d rather DO and be damned.
This past Friday, I sent one last email giving him an update on the wedding plans. I stated that his silence was a bit confusing but it is what it is. I apologized if I offended him or his wife in any way.
His response is the old X that I remember so well. Mean. Nasty. He thinks the wedding is a joke. And that he’s giving The Red Head money instead of participating in something he thinks has been overblown. The money he gives her will come with hidden strings…it always has. I can only hope she searches deep within her soul before accepting his money.
As I sat with his email, saddness overwhelmed me. I am sad for my daughters. I am sad that they have such a bitter, negative, miserable father.
Sadness turned to anger. And I did the only thing I could think of. I put on my running shoes. Instead of walking or riding the bike like I normally do (because I’m fond of my knees), I flipped my iPod play list to Albannach and took off running. I’m not a runner, I don’t like running…but I had to transfer my anger somewhere and kickboxing isn’t until later tonight. There’s nothing like a rebel Scottish band, heavy on the drums, to trash your knees to.
I kept running. And running. My second lap around the duck pond, I started praying. I asked God how I could best help my daughter have a beautiful wedding day. I asked God how to deal with the knowledge that her father thinks her wedding is a joke. I asked God for an answer.
As I rounded the corner, I noticed I wasn’t alone on the path. A thirty something male dressed in black pants and a blue shirt was strolling along, most likely taking advantage of the gorgeous fall weather that was pretty much lost to me as I ran my heart out. I glanced over at him and he was talking to me. The drums of Albannach drowned out the sound of his voice. I took my right earpiece out, “What was that?” I asked.
“It’s a beautiful day for a run,” the stranger replied.
“Yes…yes it is,” I said, more than just a little out of breath.
“Temperture is just right and the sun is shinning,” the stranger went on.
“You are so right,” I said. I smiled and waved at him as I continued to jog past him.
And I smiled. A big smile. Because God answered me through a stranger.
It IS a beautiful day. Enjoy the moment!
It’s not my job to ensure that my daughters, who are now 25 and almost 22, have a good relationship with their father. I’ve done all that I can do. I don’t own his relationships with them or theirs with him. I am only responsible for the relationships I have with each of my daughters.
And both my daughters know that I love them without reserveration. Without conditions. I love them for who they are and who they are becoming.
The Red Head and her fine Irish lad are going to have a beautiful wedding day.
The Happy Couple
——–
Special thanks to Megan JoyGirl! Bord for reminding me that I simply had to get out of my own way.
Extra special thanks to Tess Marshall for her fabulous book, “Flying By the Seat of My Soul.” The last few pages are about her lessons with her daughters and how keeping an open heart and an open mind changes everything.
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Peggy, what a wonderful story of your journey to X peace. We want the best for our children. It’s so hard to let go of that hope the old X will change for the better. You’ve done more than any mother could. I love talking to God when I run too. Peace be with you always!! Congrats on the next wedding! They are very cute together!!
Thank you for this post.
It’s not my job to ensure that my stepkids, who are now 18 and 15, have a good relationship with their mother. A tough lesson, but one I must accept.
Angelia,
If there’s one thing I truly am, it’s stubbornly optimistic – but with my ex and his relationships with our daughters, I just have to let this go. I can always hope, but it’s just no longer my job to make sure they have a good relationship. With God’s permission, I happily resigned
Hi Mean Step (seriously, I KNOW you’re not mean!!)
It’s funny, as a stepmom I GET THIS. But as a mom, it just took me a little longer to get here. How many nasty emails can I deal with from a bitter man? No more. I’m just going to refocus that time and wasted energy where my time and useful energy can be put to better use
Thank so much for stopping by!
What a remarkable post…and so true to remind ourselves. We are only in control of our own relationships…it is hard to remember. We want to make sure that our children and stepchildren are happy and feel loved. We don’t want them to feel pain or rejection…but we can’t control how others behave and treat their children. But…we can be there to love and support our kids….and, we are! Hugs to you…you are a wonderful support to your children…and to us Moms and Stepmoms out there.
Cheers!
Stepalicous
PS…You are fabulous…and I said so…check it out, there’s something on my bloggy for you!
I learned early on it was not my responsibility to foster a relationship between my daughters and their Father. Truth was (he passed away), neither wanted a relationship with the other.
On a side note… I am having a lovely visit with my steps. I am engaging more with them and seems to be paying off! They are actually talking to me and including me in their lives this week!!
Peggy,
What a GREAT post. Would you mind if I re-ran it on my blog? This is such a wise essay. As an adult child of divorce myself I can tell you that your daughters are perfectly aware that it’s now their time to decide what their relationships will be with their father. And bravo to you for stepping out of that way. I love your honesty, your compassion, your passion. What an inspiration you are!
Best,
Jacque
Dear Stepalicious,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are quite awesome yourself!
Dear Ohio,
Turns out this was a blip of blind spot for me! How often I counseled and advised others that they’re not responsible for fostering other peoples relationships with other people! Time I take my own advice
I am SO SO SO happy you are having a wonderful visit with your steps! Relationships are two way streets and you are doing your part. High Five!
Peggy,
So glad I finally dedicated some time to read your blog. I am hooked. I had the unhealthy sense of ex responsibility, too. I wanted to protect my son from being hurt. It was hard to let him work through it, but I think that he is stronger and emotionally smarter because of his experience and yes even hurt due to his Father’s choices.
Hi Jacque,
Thank YOU! And please feel free to re-run this on your blog! For the most part, I have stepped out of the way. With my oldest’s wedding, it just hit home again…and now it’s time to take my own advice and the advice of so many wise women!
xxoo
Hi Kerry!
It was so good to see you last night – and I’m glad you’re hooked!
xxoo
Peggy, this is a brilliant post. Brilliant! Your contribution to your daughters’ relationship to their father is that you don’t get in the way or bash him to them. The rest, sadly, is up to him. Your girls are so, so lucky to have you in their life.
Hi Jodi!
I pondered out loud to my husband, “I’m not sure if this is brillant…just my inner self speaking” and Richard asked me, “do you know what ‘brillant’ means?”
“Well, yeah, it means ‘bright.’”
He looked at me as if I just passed 3rd grade and said, “it’s a bright light in the darkness.”
Thank you Jodi. As I shine the light into my own darkness, I hope I can do so for others.
Blessings…
Peggy
What a great post!! You are such a wonderful mom and you are right you cannot force something that is not there! I have been insane at times as well. Why do we women do that???
Dear Life – because we are relators…we want people to get a long. It’s like some weird wiring in our brains. Or maybe it’s years of programming, passed down from parents and teachers. Passed through via the media. And perhaps this programming is all ass backwards. I now realize that I need to install a new tape regarding the relationship dynamics between my daughters and their father. Thanks so much for stopping by today!!
xxoo
Peggy–
I loved this post! I keep telling myself I should start running…
Peggy –
I love this post, and I can really relate to the sequence of emotions. I feel the same things whenever I read one of my stepdaughters’ mom’s negative e-mails – confusion (why does someone behave this way?), then sadness (for her life – a black hole of anger, anxiety and depression – and for her children who don’t have the happy and active mother they desperately want and need), then anger (the children deserve better from their parent!). And then I do yoga or some other healing activity, as you did with the run, and remember all that there is to be grateful for in this life. But – the difference is that the children in my case are in elementary school, not yet adults about whom I could feel good saying, “I have done what I can, their relationship with their mother is in their hands.” When they are so little, still growing, still learning and developing in so many ways – I feel a responsibility to help them not suffer the negative consequences of this kind of parent. (Study after study show that children of depressed parents are prone to depression themselves, eating disorders, all kinds of other detrimental effects.) But then, another side of me feels, even though they are young, that “this is their mother, this is their only mother (except the non-bio mother-figure that I am to them) and what is meant to be is meant to be…” and I have to let it go.
…Confusing!! What’s your take?? Would you feel the same way about your ex’s impact on your kids if they were tiny little ones? Or would you feel a greater responsibility to shield them from his negativity?
Hi Kate – I think in a lot of ways I shielded my girls from a lot of their dad’s negativity. It also helped that when he was active duty air force, he was gone a lot. Because my girls are older, I can no longer facilitate their relationship. They know he’s “toxic.” It’s “relate at your own risk.” If they were little, I can see myself doing what one of my best friends did…she wanted her girls to know their dad and have a relationship with him. I can remember the times she would put them in her car and drive nine hours to drop them off and spend the night in a hotel and then drive home. I thought she was nuts (I knew her ex) but she did it because she never knew her father. Today, her girls are the same ages as mine and my friend has the same “hands-off” approach as I do. We can’t make them connect. It’s their choice.