The Difference Between Problems and Constraints

Nov 8, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

A problem is solvable. A constraint must be lived with.

Gravity is a constraint. If you’re a designing an airplane, it would be a lot easier without gravity as a concern, but hey, it’s not going away.

~ Seth Godin

I know many stepmoms who bang their heads railing against child support and schedules. They try all different kinds of ways to solve these so called “problems.”

Truth is child support and schedules aren’t problems. They’re constraints. But we insist on making them problems.

I’m sure it would be a lot easier if your husband didn’t pay child support, if the schedule was more accommodating, or if his ex-wife was nicer. If you’re remarried with kids, these are things that “must be lived with.”

When’s the last time you complained about gravity? We live within the constraints of it every day. We also like to play with it. Ever kick a soccer ball, throw a baseball, or fly in a plane?

Child Support is not a problem. It’s a constraint. What would happen if you looked at it as an expense rather than a problem that needed a solution? If you are getting ready to say “I do” to a man with kids, make sure you know exactly what this expense is and know your husband will be paying this monthly amount until the child(ren) is 18 or through college (depending on the divorce agreement)

The Schedule is not a problem. It’s a constraint. The biggest complaint I hear from non-custodial stepmoms is that the kids don’t visit enough and the biggest complaint I hear from custodial stepmoms is that mom bails on her scheduled visits. Personally, I learned to live with the “whatever, whenever” schedule. I accepted that Junior was with me 365 / 24 / 7. If mom or grandma took him for a weekend, BONUS date night for Richard and me!

The Personality of the mom is not a problem. It’s a constraint. She is who she is and no amount of whining or complaining about her will change how she behaves. She is not you and she’ll never be like you. Stop trying to make her conform to your reality. Stop assuming she sees the world exactly like you do. She doesn’t. And that’s ok.

Today’s Homework:

Make a list of your remarried constraints and underneath each one, write down some ways that you can work with them or around them. The Wright Brothers worked with gravity and overcame it with Lift.

Make a list of your remarried problems and underneath each one, write down three possible solutions.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” ~ Albert Einstein