The Aroma of Negativity

Jun 2, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

I am so pleased that today’s guest blogger, Cori Lynn Bailey, contacted me a few weeks ago to share her story with me. Cori and I go back a few years on SMOMS.ORG, where she was a stepmom in need of support and help. She’s come a long way since we first met and I’m happy to share her story here and on June 7, 2010, when Cori will appear as a guest on The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show.

As I sat in a women’s conference not too long ago I heard the words Aroma and Influence.  The power of those words spoken rang as true as the words I Pledge Allegiance under God.   I was listening to an amazing woman of faith named Charlotte Gamble speak about how we as woman carry an aroma of influence and power yet we chose to do little with it.   She spoke on our influence over our spouses, children, friends, community and everyday life situations.   Charlotte talked about and described people who seem to want to find the negativity in almost every situation, want to control the situations, want to have things their way.  Was she describing me?  No, she couldn’t be! I am normally upbeat, positive, always on the go or as some describe a “busy body”.

I don’t see things negatively, so she couldn’t be talking about me!     As I listened to the words she spoke that day, I could feel myself inching slowly down in my chair in hopes to avoid the ever present spotlight that was beaming from the top of my head with an arrow saying “Guilty”.  I could feel the spirit of conviction setting in stronger and stronger, minute by minute and all I wanted to do was run and duck for cover.

It was my Oprah Winfrey Aaaahaaaa moment.  It was a moment of such clarity and awakening that I literally fell to my knees at the altar of our church as our pastor and woman of faith prayed over me, with me and for me.    It was a defining moment of clarity. A defining moment of my aroma of the past, present and future.  My defining moment of changing the way things were, are and will be.

I started off on my journey in very small baby steps and I will very honestly state that I have not graduated to pull-ups quite yet, but what I have done and what I hope many of you reading this will article will come to understand is that I have taken that first step. The step that many will never take, the step that many of us think is not possible and the step that many of us will take forward and backward numerous times, but the result is still the same.  It’s the first step!

The first step is to realize that there is room for growth and room for knowledge in every aspect of our lives. We are here to constantly change, constantly learn and constantly be better, but with the constant change come the nasty word of “negativity”.     As I grow in my walk through life, love, career, spiritual growth and mommy hood, I have someone that is determined to hurt me, speak words of negativity over me, follow my success and spread their aroma of negativity around that success and ultimately destroy me.  As I learned of what was said, I had to remind myself that his problem is within himself not me. This is about him not me! He can try and take my success but this Texas girl is having nothing to do with it! I am carrying the aroma of confidence, assurance and peace. This will happen to all of us during our journey of growth and self reflection in what I want to call the house of mirrors.    We have so many different mirrors we must look at on a daily basis.  We have our “self” mirror, our “wife” mirror, our “mommy” mirror, our “beauty” mirror, our “friendship” mirror, our “insecure” mirror, our “job” mirror.  You get the picture right? If I allowed this individual to build a mirror around what he thinks I am, then this “aroma” or image is most likely going to be the aroma I  reflect or give out.  Are you following me?  What better way to grow then to remove that label of aroma this individual seems determines to define me and replace it with the “Aroma” of confidence and self worth.  This is another step in growing and it’s sometimes hard to stop and put it in that perspective.

My fellow step-mom’s, just for a minute stop and really think about what kind of aroma you give to your household and those around you.  What reflection from your house of mirrors is on display? What aroma are you walking around with? Is it one that other’s would want to follow? Would you want your children or step-children to follow the scent? Would you want them to look in the mirror and see your “reflection”?  Our power of influence is so great and yet so underutilized.  Oh, how we could do some damage ladies with the right aroma and positive influence for our step-mom community.  That is what motivates and excites me to write this article.  I have been at the bottom of the pit and while I am not fully out of it yet, I can see some clouds and sun and I am determined to keep climbing that rope to the fresh air.

You will have to realize and be honest with yourself like I had to be.  I had to realize that I was giving off an Aroma of jealousy, frustration, disappointment, anger, preference to “my” children over my bonus baby and I am sure many other scents that I am not proud of.  Have you found  yourself doing the same at some point? I can tell you first hand that the Aroma I was giving was not one with a sweet smell all the time and certainly not one that other’s would want to wear.  Why? Because it was the Aroma of judgment, negativity, criticism, self righteous finger pointing, it’s you not me aroma.  Who wants to wear that fragrance?  Now I don’t want to beat up on myself to terribly bad, because I have been blessed with many attributes that have brought me success, love, laughter and wonderful friendships.  I have the Aroma of amazing friends that love me good and bad and who have never left me, I have been blessed with the aroma of my family of choice.  I have a wonderful husband that I have been married to for 7 wonderful years and 3 beautiful biological children and 1 amazing “bonus” daughter.

Ladies, it will be easy to blame others like your step-children or ex-spouses for your unhappiness, your financial troubles, your marriage and your stress. I know this because I did just that!  I remember saying all the time, that if I had it to do over again, I would never marry a man with children.  Can you imagine the message I was sending my husband much less our children?  I would do it over again a 1000 times! What a negative aroma and attitude I gave my family.

I was given the most beautiful gift when I was chosen to be my step-daughter’s bonus mommy.  I was chosen to provide her attributes and influence where maybe her mother can’t. I was chosen to help guide her and raise her to love and appreciate those around her including her mom.  I was chosen to make a difference in her life. The fact is:  I was chosen to be her step-mom and I chose to accept that when I said I do to her father.  I will not always agree with choices that are made, things that are done and circumstances that I can’t control.  However, what I can control is how I react and respond and how I chose to allow that to influence my aroma. I am learning to not react on emotions first.  I am learning to look at the situation from different perspectives, but most importantly for me, I am learning to give it to god, pray about it and forgive as I have been asked to be forgiven.

The road to this discovery of aroma was one of the most difficult roads I have traveled thus far, but it’s a road less traveled by many and has many blessings and lessons in store.  I will fall, I will pick myself up and I will move forward.  I will do so in an Aroma of love, forgiveness, positivity and growth.   Yes I will get angry, yes I will have times of negativity and yes there will be people out there to remind me of such failures, but as Pastor Keith Craft says many times “Wherever you go there you are” and this couldn’t be truer for me.  I have received numerous blessings these past several months and I know it’s because of the Aroma I carry with me…I am blessed.