The Allure and Deception of Stepmom Sainthood

Apr 7, 2011 by Peggy Nolan

Part III of our series on Disengagement also known as The Stepmom Step Back

Underneath my jeans and a funky tee-shirt, I’m Wonder Woman in a cape. I can do anything, fix anyone, fly an invisible airplane, and with my golden lasso, get the truth out of even the worst pathological liar.

When I became a custodial stepmom to Junior I had this little, tiny, itsy-bitsy problem. I needed to be seen as “better than” anyone else who had a go with getting Junior to fly right. It’s almost embarrassing to admit this but I thought I had to be a better stepmom than his mom was a mom. I took Junior on when he was 14 years old and he became my little project.

As Teresa would say, this was my first mistake.

I deceived myself into thinking I could “fix” Junior. I could cure his ADHD, get him to focus, wave my magic fairy wand and make all the bad things that happened to him disappear.

As if I’m the second coming of Jesus, Buddha, and Winnie-the-Pooh.

As Erin’s stepdaughter presented with an eating disorder and Teresa’s stepdaughter had childhood depression, Junior presented with a bad case of anger management that bordered on conduct disorder. I certainly wasn’t prepared for his behavior and in hind sight, neither were his parents.

As Junior’s stepmom, I threw myself into getting him the help he needed. Richard and I spent almost two years in some kind of family counseling with him. Our first counselor came up empty handed as to why Junior was destroying property and lying about nearly everything. Our second counselor was more effective, but still we came up empty handed. Junior was completely disconnected from his emotional body.

Junior became a constant battle. School, peers, mouthy, unmotivated, passive-aggressive, hygiene, etc. Junior dragged chaos and drama around like a snuggy blanket. And I oozed resentment and hostility worse than any zombie as soon as I walked through my front door. I felt like I was the only one seeing Junior as a knowing participant in the chaos he was creating. I felt like I was carry the weight of the stepmom world on my shoulders.

Until…Junior’s counselor gave me permission to shrug. What he told me I tell every stepmom who thinks she can swoop in and rescue her stepkids, fix their broken hearts, mend fences, and come out shinning like Miss Polly Purebred: “you did not break him, you can not change him, you can not fix him. Your only job is to love him.”

While I was angry and resentful, I disengaged from Junior. I stopped talking to him. I stopped doing things for him. I didn’t want to be in the same room with him. I made our lives miserable. And I felt the distance between me and my husband grow. I was pushing everyone away because I was being a complete bitch.

That all changed when Junior’s counselor gave me permission to simply let Junior be. The art of the Stepmom Step Back isn’t to pull away in anger, but to let go of these lofty and impossible expectations that you can change someone else. I can’t change anyone and neither can you. In fact, I can’t want more for you than you want for yourself. Junior didn’t want to pass English. Junior didn’t want to take a shower every night. It didn’t matter that I wanted him to do and be better. He had to want that for himself. And until he did, my only job was to love* him.

Simple Truths I Learned:

1. In my StepLife, I was the only variable. The relationship dynamics between my husband and his kids and between my husband and his ex-wife, preceded me.
2. My resentment and hostility may have confused my husband and Junior, but the only person I was hurting was myself.
3. I am not a better stepmom than my stepkids’ mom is a mom.
4. Disengaging isn’t about cutting the cord, burning bridges, or hiding in the bathroom. It’s realizing that the only person you can change or fix is you.
5. I am neither a Saint nor Wonder Woman. I am ME.
6. Life is a lot less complicated and most definitely there’s less drama when I stopped trying to “fix” things.

*Loving a child implies discipline, house realities, and house rules.

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