Tag Archives: mothers day

She Never Changed My Diapers

Posted on by
2

Mom came into my life a month before I turned nine. I had no idea dad was getting married…or maybe I did and I just don’t remember. He moved me and my three brothers from our home in San Rafael, CA to a larger home in Santa Venetia, CA. I had to change schools. I had to say good bye to all my friends on Cedar Hill Drive. I had to make a new best friend. I went from being the oldest and only girl in my family to being number three of seven. When dad married mom, I acquired two older sisters and another younger brother.

Life in the blender wasn’t easy…for any of us. Ask my mom – she had her hands full with seven kids, four of whom she didn’t give birth to. My three brothers and I were a wild bunch. Well, at least my brother David and I were. He had anger management issues and I was the queen of manipulation. Mike and Chris were just babies and took to mom right away. Me? Not so much. I was nine. My place in the family overturned. As a teenager I was hell to deal with. If you want the details, just ask my mom.

Despite the frantic antics of a mixed up teen, my mom adopted me and my brothers. Legally. My birth mother signed away her rights. She was unfit to raise rocks let alone children, which is why my dad won full physical and legal custody of us in 1971. I remember standing in front of the judge and him asking me if this is what I wanted. Not only did I say yes for me, but I also said yes for my three younger brothers. When mom became mom in every since of the word, I knew said I yes to the right mom. I knew I also protected myself and my brothers from ever being physically abused by the woman who birthed us. If something ever happened to my dad, she held no claim over us. We rightfully belonged to another mother.

Fast forward a few decades. I grew up. I got married. I had kids of my own. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20′s that I truly began to understand what being a mom was all about. Small moments of realizations and truths would hit me at random times. I began to appreciate my mom. She gave up and sacrificed a lot for me and my brothers. She put up with a lot of our shit. Ok, my shit. My phone calls home to mom took on a whole new meaning. How on earth could I make it up to her? I certainly couldn’t erase my shitty behavior from my teenage years. So, I decided to be a really awesome adult daughter.

By the time I was 40, mom and I had grown really close. It didn’t matter that most of that growing was done at large distances. Frequent phone calls and lots of letters and cards closed the miles and brought us closer. When I divorced my first husband, my mom was only a phone call away…and there were more phone calls than I can count. Five months after my divorce was final I ran into a little speed bump called breast cancer. Mom criss-crossed the country twice to be with me after both my surgeries.

Mom spent her 60th birthday with me….not a very celebratory birthday as I was in the operating room having my left breast removed. Her face was the first face I saw when I woke up in recovery.

Two years later I remember calling mom and asking her if she remembered my first boyfriend from high school. “How could I forget?” she said, “he was the only one I liked!”

Moms are always right. And they don’t have to give birth to you to know what’s right and who’s right. Two years after mom hung with me in the fight of my life, she was beside me on the day I married the love of my life. And I know that my mom is beside me every day of my life.

On this Mother’s Day and every day, I honor and appreciate my mom more than words can express. Ever since I was nine, she’s always been there for me. I am proud to be her daughter and I am truly blessed that she is my mom.

Mom and Me on My Wedding Day - September 22, 2006

 

 

Mother’s Day, Stepmoms, and Expectations

Posted on by
15

In the past, I’ve dared both moms and stepmoms to put down their seething swords, even if just for a day, and send each other a card of thanks. A simple thank you goes a long, long way – especially when it is said in earnest and is heartfelt.

This year I’m encouraging stepmoms to take the dare one small step further. I challenge you to examine your expectations.

What is it about Mother’s Day that sends you into despair? Why are you upset when your step-kids don’t acknowledge you on this day? What acknowledgement are you looking for and have you clearly communicated that to your husband?

“But he should know!”

Honestly ladies, retire that lament. Your husband doesn’t know because you haven’t told him. Without telling him, you set yourself up for a huge disappointment. And then you get angry at him because he failed at reading your mind.

“But if I have to tell him, it just isn’t the same.”

You’re right. It isn’t the same. It’s BETTER. Your man is a happy camper because he knows exactly what you want and how you want it and you are NOT disappointed! In my book that’s better than sobbing into your bowl of oatmeal because you think no one appreciates you.

Your step-kids may want to acknowledge you but do you know how many stepmom cards the greeting card industry puts out? Next time you’re looking at Mother’s Day cards let me know how many Stepmothers’ Day cards you find. Last year I found a whole ONE card and that card was so awful I wouldn’t send it to anyone. I most certainly wouldn’t send it to MY stepmom.

For the last three years my youngest stepson has lamented the lack of stepmom cards. My stepdaughters insert the word “bonus” next to the word mom.  But what’s in a card anyway? And why are you hinging your happiness or sadness on a card that will be thrown out or flowers that will die within the week?

What if you remained open to all the possibilities and looked for appreciation in other ways…even if that way is as simple as little Johnny bringing you a cup of coffee.

If you are not receiving what you think you should be receiving from your husband and or your step-kids, I strongly encourage you to look at how you treat yourself.  Why? Because we teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. If you don’t appreciate you, believe that you are worthy and deserving, and put yourself on your own priority list, no one else will either. We teach others how to appreciate us when we shower appreciation upon ourselves.

This Mother’s Day, my husband will be out of town. My oldest daughter lives in Dublin, Ireland, my youngest daughter lives in Denver, Co. Both my stepdaughters are new mommies and will be celebrating Mother’s Day with their own families. I’ll be running in a 3k road race in the morning and after that who knows? As always and without expectations, I remain open to all the possibilities. I encourage you to do the same.

Much love,
Peggy

A Letter From Your Husband

Posted on by
5

I received this beautiful letter this morning from your husband. It may be anonymous but it could be from any one of the amazing husbands out there. And to the gentleman who sent this to me, on behalf of stepmoms everywhere, thank you.

for embracing my children as your own (if not always internally, then at least outwardly, in all that you do for them). This is one of the biggest reasons why I married you in the first place, and it remains one of the biggest reasons why I would marry you all over again any day of the week.

I know you have mixed feelings about your success as a stepmom; sometimes you’re able to congratulate yourself and see how much you’ve accomplished, and sometimes you beat yourself up for being impatient or irritable. That makes you normal. I’m their father, and I still waffle between thinking I’m the Best Dad on Earth and thinking I should just surrender all of my parental visitation rights and move to Siberia. If I feel that kind of emotional conflict, you’re bound to feel it even more intensely, and I want you to know that I get that. I still think you’re an awesome stepmom; the best in the world, actually.

I want you to know that I acknowledge your right to get frustrated, have the occasional melt-down, and expect me to go the extra mile in helping you make this transition. It’s going to be an ongoing process, it will probably take years, and I don’t expect you to do it alone. I might get impatient with you sometimes because I see you struggling to act in ways that have become second-nature for me, but that’s just because I’ve forgotten (for the moment) how to empathize and see the world through your eyes. When I make myself see things from your vantage point, I get overwhelmed with the magnitude of the challenge you’ve taken on, and then I’m amazed that you’re even still in this marriage, let alone thriving and continuing to be the most incredible wife in the world.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not a real mother. You may not have done the hard work of carrying these children in your body for nine months, going through labor, doing the late-night feedings and diaper changes, etc., but you’ve certainly done something equally difficult: you’ve accepted all the day-to-day tasks and responsibilities of motherhood – the extra laundry, the added chaos, mediating sibling rivalries, the scheduling nightmares, the truncated social calendar, the extra expenses, the bedtime rituals, the invasion of privacy and personal space – and you’ve done it all without the ace-in-the-hole of being able to say, “Because I’m your mother, that’s why.”

You’re not [their] biological mother. But you sure-as-hell have a right to call yourself a real mother.

I’m proud of you. This family of ours loves you, and that’s an accomplishment worth celebrating. And I love you too.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Anonymous Husband

Join the forum discussion on this post

The Mother’s Day Dare

Posted on by
35

happy20mothers20day1Dear Moms and Stepmoms,

It’s that time again when Mother’s Day shows up on a bright, sunny, Sunday in May. In the US, Mother’s Day is May 9…just five days away.

Poll results show those who will send a card and those who won’t send a card in a near dead heat.  Some will, some won’t. And that’s OK.  But for those of you who said you will send a card

Have you?

And if you’re not sending the other mother a card, will you consider making this day special for someone else? Your own mother, grandmother, auntie, cousin, best friend or a sister stepmom? Or what about honoring your stepkids? If you’re a stepmom and you want them to acknowledge you, maybe you need to teach them how you want to be acknowledged instead of assuming that they should know how to make you feel special.

If you’re sending cards to the your stepkids’ mom or to your kids’ stepmom, leave a comment…I’d like to give you a high five!

Love,

Peggy

My Mother's Day

Posted on by
5

yellowflowers

As both a mom and a step mom who is really close to having an empty nest (all but one are on their own), Mother’s Day is becoming more about enjoying the day with Richard and whoever else might be around.  Clearly, I don’t have the expectations that mothers and step mothers of younger children have.  Give me a call, send me an email (or text message) or send me a card.  I haven’t lowered my expectations, I’ve just readjusted them, knowing that between the two of us, Richard and I have five adult children with lives of their own.  

my favorite breakfast

Yesterday began with Richard making me my favorite breakfast – one large pancake and two eggs over easy.  We lounged around over coffee and I read for an hour or so.  Then we tackled our basement and created our workout space (again!)  Richard re-hung my kickboxing bag – that in itself is a great gift because there’s no better workout than Thai Kickboxing!  

At 1PM, we went to Mother’s Day lunch with my in-laws (mother, father, brother, and 2 sisters) plus Junior, The Pregnant One, and The Student (Richard’s two daughters) Of note is that my in-laws are Richard’s ex-wife’s family.  

For Mother’s Day – both my sisters sent me text messages.  The Globetrotter (my youngest daughter) sent me a text message, The Ginger (my oldest daughter) sent me a message on Facebook.  The Pregnant One gave me a beautiful card, thanking me for all that I do for her (that made me cry).  My mother-in-law gave me card that she addressed “To a dear daughter.”  Just when I think it really can’t get any better than this, it does.

I opened the gift from Junior.  He picked out a beautiful stationary set with notepad and clipboard.  Grammie pointed him the right direction, but he picked it out.  And it’s what he wrote in the card, that put the icing on the cake:

lotusblossomTo my very wonderful Bonus Mom Peggy.  Thank you for what you have done.  You have helped me in my darkest hour.  You were the light at the end of the tunnel.  With the help of Dad, Mom and you, I have become a better man.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Love, Junior.

PS: Thank you for not losing hope.

To be acknowledged this way is huge.  It truly made my Mother’s Day very special.

I hope you had a special Mother’s Day, too!

♦♦♦♦♦

Update

Today, when I checked my mail box, there was a card from my step kids’ mom.  She sent me the most beautiful card!

9Days Until Mother's Day

Posted on by
1

mothers-day-1The Mother’s Day Dare™

If you are a step mom, I dare you to send your step kids’ mom a Mother’s Day Card!

If  you are a mom, I dare you to send your kids’ step mom a Mother’s Day Card!

The Mother’s Day Dare™ Poll

Will you or won’t you?  Vote in the poll! 

stepmom1Say Thank You

Why is this is so important for reasonable moms and step moms everywhere?  Because blended families are a fact of life.  And the quickest way for most blended families to reach balance and a sense of normalcy is through the mom /  stepmom relationship.

Healing families and saving the world…one mom at a time™