When we, as women, learn to be happy within ourselves, we can’t help but radiate happiness and joy from the inside out. This is what we need to learn. This is what we need to teach other women, especially our daughters. Somewhere along the line I got tired of trying to be everything to everyone. It’s a lose-lose game. I decided to be me for me. And that’s made all the difference in my life.
What would happen if you stopped playing lose-lose, too?
Today’s brilliant guest blog is by Carrie Collins Fadell
Like my stepchildren, I wasn’t a disciplinary problem in high school. Rest assured, I was a typical chore-avoiding, eye-rolling teenager at home. At school, I was rarely in trouble. In the fall of my freshman year of high school, I do vividly remember being called down to the vice principal’s office. I was called out of English class. This must be really important, I remember thinking. When I arrived in the office, the vice principal seemed very concerned and proceeded to ask me if I had any idea what traits future employers would look for in me as a potential employee. Would I be able to offer those?
The public high school I attended was located in a small Midwestern town that boasted one stoplight and didn’t even have a McDonald’s. Since my employment options at 15 were limited to babysitting or farm work, I wasn’t sure where this conversation was headed until the discussion turned towards my wardrobe. On that fateful day, I had boarded the school bus wearing a new black and white polka dot skirt, a white top with black piping on the seams, and … (wait for it) one black and one white shoe. It was clear to me that I wasn’t meeting his expectations of how a student should present herself. I was crestfallen. I had channeled my inner Madonna and failed. I had put great care and planning into an outfit that I had purchased myself. Yet there I was, the 1991 rural Michigan version of Lady GaGa to him. And I couldn’t dance or sing.
As a society, we’ve come a long way in the last 20 years on celebrating the individuality of youth. I think you would be hard-pressed anymore to find a public school principal whose morning disciplinary actions are dominated by 15-year-olds wearing shoes of different colors. If a student were to be called into the principal’s office today to discuss her shoe choice, her peers would see it as a badge of courage to be different. Mismatched shoes would be the new trend, and the next day dozens of students might even be following suit.
In some ways, I think there needs to be a similar shift for stepmothers. Being a stepmother isn’t a thing of horror. Just as in adolescence, there are gut-wrenching step-parenting moments that you would never want to relive. However, just like in your teenage years, you keep on moving, survive, and thrive. One thing that stepmothers can do is decide not to let others’ expectations define them. How society views the role in general and how your partner’s ex-wife views your role shouldn’t change you. It shouldn’t define you and your life. Too often, though, it does.
When it comes to our role as a stepmother, we have expectations, the kids have expectations, the biological mother has expectations, and our partner has his own expectations. Is it any wonder that there are times that we don’t know if we are coming or going?
What about you? Have you even given yourself the chance to decide how you want to define your role and experience as a stepmom, or did everyone else’s clamoring voices drown your inner voice out?
I often hear complaints that stepmothers get mixed messages from exes, their own partners, and the kids as to what the stepmom’s role should be. On a Tuesday, a stepmother may be on the receiving end of dirty looks from her stepchild’s biological mother for attending an elementary open house. The stepchildren might not even talk to her at the event out of fear of making Mom very angry. The stepmom’s partner might even encourage her to skip this event so that there isn’t a scene with his ex. But on Thursday, when the stepchild is sick and needs to be picked up from that exact same school and shuttled to the doctor, the stepmom becomes more than welcome to participate equally as a parent and fulfill both of those tasks. Her stepchild is probably glad to see her and bonds with her at the doctor’s office, her partner might buy her flowers on the way home from work and tell her she is a great stepmom, and the biological mother might even comment that the stepmom saved the day because no one else could rearrange their morning. Welcome to the stepmom version of the Twilight Zone.
It doesn’t make any sense, so maybe we should stop waiting for it to make sense and enjoy our lives. Just like two different colored shoes didn’t make sense – that day, I wanted to be happy in my own skin and enjoy my life. It wasn’t dangerous and it wasn’t hurting anyone; I should have held my head high and marched down the hall at school. Similarly, I would like to see stepmothers unshackle themselves from the chains that others use to hold them down and walk with their heads held high.
Whether you are at the soccer game that no one wanted you to attend or you skipped it to enjoy some peace and quiet – work it, girl. You are the stepmom and there is no one like you!
Carrie Collins Fadell, MPA is a college instructor and runs a media promotion company. She has been a wife and childless stepmother for six years. Catch up with her at: The Thoroughly Modern Stepmom www.modernstepmom.com
What you do for one you have to do for the other.
These are the words I overheard my stepdaughter’s mother saying to my husband a few days ago… and a topic I’ve dealt with in one form or another since the day I said, “I do.” I ask myself: If I do something for my own child does my marriage certificate obligate me to also do it for someone else’s? Does the commitment of marriage span the distance between biological child and stepchild? The answer, in my experience, has been a never-ending source of guilt and conflict on the stepmom front. This is how I’ve broken it down…
The Husband’s Perspective:
Everything I do must be equal between the children. He believes wholeheartedly that this is the only way to be fair… equal money, equal time, equal opportunities. Period. I should not be doing anything for my own child if I’m not willing to also do it for his. This is his bottom line opinion. Any changes in venue are brought about by careful planing and strategic word choices on my part.
The Stepchild’s Perspective:
I want! I want! I want! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Me, too! Me, too! Me, too! She gets more than me! She gets more than me! She gets more than me!
The Stepdaughter’s Mother’s Perspective:
Why does your wife’s child get everything and our child gets nothing? Your wife doesn’t have the right to give one child in your household something and not the other. Our child deserves just as much, if not more, than her stepsister. You need to be supportive and stand up for your own daughter. You need to be fair.
My Child’s Perspective:
I want! I want! I want! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Me, too! Me, too! Me, too! She gets more than me! She gets more than me! She gets more than me!
My Perspective:
My husband just wants to be fair with as little conflict as possible. If he can appease his ex and his daughter, he only has one person to deal with… me. If, however, he sides with me, he then has two people to contend with. Unless and until I assert myself, he will always choose the lesser of two evils. It’s human nature to do so.
My stepdaughter’s mother is out to get as much for her child as possible. I can definitely relate to that. It’s the same mindset I have for my own child. Other factors I take into consideration while listening to her vent to my husband: she is not a stepmother so she doesn’t understand my position, she only hears what her daughter tells her, she’s lashing out from her own ‘mommy guilt’ space.
As far as both children are concerned, well, they’re children. They’re out to get as much for themselves as they can and will manipulate their socks off to get it.
The ultimate reality?
No matter what I do, someone’s not going to be happy.
In this case, I’m somewhat in the same boat as my husband. I can choose to do something for my daughter and have three people angry with me. Or, I can choose not to do something for her and have only one person angry with me. The bottom line is, what can I live with as a wife, mother, and stepmom? How can I feel at peace with myself and the decisions I make regarding my child without damaging the relationships I have with my husband, his ex, and my stepdaughter? What special things can I do for my own daughter without compromising the emotional security of my stepdaughter?
When I intend to do something for my child only, I ask myself the following three questions:
If the answer to all three of these questions is no, I proceed to the final question:
Who’s financially contributing to the costs of what I’m giving my daughter?
I am entitled to quality alone time with my child… an afternoon at the movies, dinner at a favorite restaurant, a walk in the park, a shopping trip to the mall… without feeling like my stepdaughter must always be included. Just as my stepdaughter’s mother is entitled to share the same things with her own daughter minus the company of anyone else. Things like this come from my own personal spending allowance and will not be compromised.
More expensive things and opportunities like overnight field trips, summer art classes, or driver’s ed come either from the household account I share with my husband or from child support given to me by my ex. If they come from the account I share with my husband, I assume we will make the same (or a similar) purchase for my stepdaughter. However, if the financial contribution is from my ex, I do not expect to be obligated to cover the same expense for my stepchild.
Finally, there are the basic necessities such as food, health care, medical, clothes, and miscellaneous expenses. These are the non-negotiables of any household. Both children are provided for equally.
It’s easy to be ganged up on and taken advantage of as a stepmom. We’re simply in the precarious position of being the easiest target and the safest scapegoat. However, we can eliminate much of the drama with a few boundaries and a well thought out strategy. Must I do everything for my stepdaughter that I do for my biological daughter? The simple answer is no, I don’t. Along with this I always try to remember it’s not my job to make everyone happy. My only job is to act from my heart and be the best mom, wife, and stepmom I can at any given moment.
Homework:
Put yourself in a position to act without guilt, competition, or drama!
Come up with your own list of criteria, guidelines, and boundaries in your mom/stepmom life. Put your plan into action and Enjoy!
Join the forum discussion on this post Why I’m choosing to sit in the backseat of my stepdaughter’s life...
I began my role as a stepmom by becoming the custodial stepparent of a hurt, scared, angry little eight year old girl who had just been diagnosed with childhood depression. Seeing someone in crisis, I quickly donned my ‘Stepmom to the Rescue’ cape with matching tights and swooped in to save the day. I looked and felt glorious in my new position as wife and stepmom, and I was bursting at the seems with my ‘This is gonna to be great!’ attitude.
That was my first mistake.
Having no idea I’d just committed stepmom suicide, I proceeded to believe that my superior parenting skills and unconditional love was the be all and end all for this family. Thank goodness I was there! Now my stepdaughter didn’t have to be depressed, hurt, or angry anymore. Even better than that… her mom could learn so much from me about parenting! My shining example of motherhood will be the beacon of light that makes her see the error of her ways. She’ll finally be the kind of mom her daughter needs… thanks to ME!
That was my second mistake.
I felt that as soon as everyone saw my way was best and started doing things exactly how I thought they should done, they’d finally be happy. Once they embraced my light, they would fall all over themselves to be first in line to thank me. They’d believe I was the best thing that ever happened to their family! It would be wonderful!
That was my third mistake.
And those mistakes kept coming… As long as I made my stepfamily situation all about me, as long as I stood front and center amongst everyone, as long as I believed I was right and everyone else was wrong… I continued to make mistake after mistake after mistake.
My life became saturated with drama. I was exhausted, stressed, angry, resentful, and full of self-pity. However, I honestly felt I was doing the right thing. I believed my attitude what exactly what my blended family needed. I had the best of intentions, so I couldn’t see the arrogance and self-importance pouring out of my every word and action. I couldn’t understand why my way wasn’t working. Eventually I began to feel like my family was a disaster.
That’s when I reached out for help… and thank goodness I found Peggy! The best piece of advice she gave me came from the therapist she was seeing to help her own stepchild.
You didn’t break your stepchild(ren). You can’t fix your stepchild(ren). Your only job is to love your stepchild(ren).
Thank You Therapist!! I felt like I was the triage specialist to my stepdaughter’s wounds and it was my job to make everyone in my blended-family dynamics happy. Me, my husband, my daughter, my stepdaughter, her mom, her mom’s family, my in-laws, my extended family… Whew! That’s one huge, heaping load of happiness responsibility!
I. Couldn’t. Do. It.
Once I realized it was an impossible job to be the ‘Happiness Fairy’ and/or the ‘Fix-It Queen’ for everyone even remotely connected to my family, the idea of detaching sounded heavenly. It was time for this stepmom to step back! I began by giving myself three simple ground rules.
1. I Will Stop Parenting My Stepdaughter. It’s simply not my job. Yes, my husband and I have rules in our home that each of our children need to follow. However, I enforce those rules with my child and he enforces them with his. Period.
2. I Will Not Take What Her Mom Says Or Does Personally. Whatever she says or does, it’s never about me. It’s all about her own fears and doubts as an ex to my husband and a mother to my stepdaughter. I’m an easy, safe target for the biomom to use when releasing pent up frustration. How do I stop getting hit? I step out of the middle of her parenting relationship with the father of her children.
3. I Will Accept The Fact That Some Things Are Completely Out Of My Control. I cannot change child support, custody arrangements, or the dynamics of my husband’s relationship with his ex and his child. I also cannot change anyone else’s behavior. I can only change how I react to and interact with my life’s circumstances.
Following these simple rules allowed me to create a peaceful, personal space by which to participate in stepfamily life. I’m still a part of my stepdaughter’s life. I’m still my husband’s wife. And I’m still the female role-model in my own home. I’m still fully present in my life. I’m just doing it without all the pressure and drama I created for myself when I was standing front and center.
Homework! Take a moment to think about how you are participating in your blended family dynamics. Are you making yourself a target by standing in the middle? What steps can you take to step back? Create your own list of ground rules or adopt mine! Share your opinions and experiences in our forum!
Listen to Peggy, Teresa, and Erin talk about stepping back on The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show April 11th at 8PM EST.
Join the forum discussion on this post The most challenging situation I’ve ever had to work with in my life is step-mother-hood. It’s sort of like being a mom yet not even close. Especially when the stepchild lives in your home.
I’ve been both custodial and non-custodial stepmom to my stepdaughter Ami since she was eight. Just the other day I had a small conversation with the girls about the moment this became a reality in both of their lives. The conversation went like this:
Me: What was it like for both of you to become stepsisters out of the blue? (Matt and I eloped just 35 days after we met. It was a surprise for every person who knew us… especially our children)
Ami: Well, I was living at my grandparents, in walks some lady with her daughter, and dad said, “Hey! Meet your new stepmom and stepsister.” I was like, “Ooookkkkk????”
Maleigha: What about me? All of a sudden some guy showed up in my house and never left!
I became a stepmom before I ever met my stepdaughter. I formed an image in my head of what this would mean in my life before it ever became a reality. It was a Brady Bunch daydream minus the Alice. I’ve been back-tracking ever since.
Blending this family has been a huge challenge. It continues to be a challenge. Every day is a work in progress. On the whole I believe we do very well. However, I have my moments when frustration rears up it’s gnarly head and growls in my face. It has been one of those weeks where grrrr is the knee-jerk reaction to everything step-related…
I struggle with the responsibility of raising someone else’s child. She lives in my house and is dependent upon me to care for her, yet I’m not her mom. I love her and want what’s best for her, yet she’s not my daughter. These dynamics in and of themselves are complicated. Throw in 15 year old girl hormones with nearly 40 year old peri-menopause hormones and you’ve got yourself one thin tightrope.
Hmmm, let’s pause for a moment and send our sympathies out to my husband Matt… poor guy.
I love my stepdaughter and want what’s best for her. I also want peace and harmony in my home. The two do not always go hand in hand. The questions that arise from this become:
1. How do I work with this rationally?
2. How do I continue to find love in my heart when I just want to scream?
3. How do I empathize with Ami when she’s driving me crazy?
4. How do I make home a comfortable, peaceful place for Ami during those moments I desperately want her to go live with her mom?
I signed myself up to be a stepmom when I married my husband. I had no idea what that meant at the time, but I’ve accepted the responsibility. It’s had its rewards, its sorrows, its surprises, and its ugliness all wrapped up in a social dynamic sans a decent, honest role-model.
Today, I’m tired. Today, I need a break. Today, I’m not embracing my reality with an open heart. We’ve all been there at one time or another in our lives with something or someone. I think what makes the difference in our lives is how we choose to handle ourselves in the face of adversity and internal conflict.
I choose to make space for me and for Ami.
I choose to try.
I choose to give myself a break when I need it.
I choose to be authentic and hold my integrity.
I choose to be as loving as possible at any given moment.
I choose to be honest and honor my feelings.
I choose to breathe, breathe, breathe.
For anyone out there who is involved in a blended family dynamic… embrace the power to choose whenever possible. There are so many things as a stepparent that are out of my control… living arrangements, child support, visitation schedules… that whenever a choice is mine, I make it thoughtfully and carefully.
“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do.” ~ Shaquille O’Neil
What do I wish to become in this blended family journey? What do I wish to repeatedly do? What is the outcome I desire most?
The answers vary from day to day, but in every one of them, the prevalent word is love… no matter how difficult or challenging the circumstance… I choose love.
Homework: Take a look at your stepmom situation. Where do you have choices? Do you know? If not, why not? Join our forum discussion and write out your top five choices for today!
Join the forum discussion on this post Did you miss last night’s show with Jennifer Newcomb Marine?
That’s ok – you can still listen to it! Or just click on the player widget over to your right…see it? Good!
We had so much fun on the air last night! Brenda Ockun stopped by to dish on February’s issue of StepMom Magazine, which is full of great articles on step teens and step adult children…plus there’s part two of my 12 part series, Remodel Your Life From the Inside Out. And double bonus – our own Teresa Thompson makes her debut in StepMom with her fabulous article, GLUE.
Our conversation with Jennifer was fabulous! Listen in and learn important tools, like “own your own crap” and when to do Erin Erickson’s ”Stepmom Step Back.” Listen in to two great caller comments, one stepmom from Albuquerque called in to say how much Jennifer’s book has helped her work through some of her own issues. And another caller, Karen from Indiana called in with a fabulous comment based on her own experience. In Live Chat, ehuse asked if the same “rules” applied to custodial stepmoms – you want to hear Jennifer’s response!
By the way, I ended up talking to Karen from Indiana for nearly two hours after the show! Good golly, she’s hysterically funny! I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing a guest blog from her real soon!
Find Your Balance – I talk to a lot of stepmoms. I hear from a lot of stepmoms. One of the biggest complaints I hear is this sense of overwhelm and “what about me?” Teresa and I designed this class for stepmoms struggling with life in the blender. Are you ready to learn a different way? One that doesn’t require all that struggle? Head on over to Stepmom University and sign up! The forum is live and I’ll send you the course materials. We’re here to help YOU!
Join the forum discussion on this post
In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Just being ourself is the biggest fear of humans. WE have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.”
Are you caught in the trap of living your life based on the assumptions and expectations of others? Do you have a hard time accepting yourself just as you are?Are you feeling lost and frustrated as a stepmom? Are you wondering where the old fun-loving you went? Do you find yourself asking yourself questions such as:
Are you ready to look inward to find you again? In the famous words of Captain Kirk, buckle up. This is going to be a wild ride with twists and turns you may not expect. In the reclamation process of self-assessment, Geneen Roth, author of Women, Food, and God, states, “you are taking who you think you are apart.”
In assessing yourself, inquiring within is about getting to the root cause of the circumstances you find yourself in. It’s about tackling each issue until you get to the source. It’s about discovering all the side issues you’ve created because the main issue may have become too difficult, painful, or uncomfortable.
According to Roth, inquiry is a confrontation with unmet feelings “because unmet feelings obscure our ability to know ourselves.” As I traveled my own path of self-assessment and inquiry as a stepmom, I’ve discovered that most of my stepmom issues have root causes in my own messed up and wonderful childhood.
I was eight when I met my stepmother. I liked her right away because she wasn’t afraid to do cartwheels in the living room with me. My dad married her right before my ninth birthday and they blended her three kids and his four kids in a mix master at warp speed. I’m pretty sure my dad accidentally hit puree because at any given point in time, one of us was getting creamed.
In my family of origin, I was the oldest and only girl. When dad remarried, I acquired two older sisters and another younger brother. My world turned upside down as I was neither the oldest nor the only girl. I felt displaced.
My father’s first wife, my “real” mother was declared unfit to raise children. In 1971, the state of California awarded my father sole legal and physical custody of me and my three brothers. I never saw my real mother again. I felt rejected and abandoned.
To me and my siblings, our parents were “mom and dad.” When I was twelve, my mom adopted me and my brothers and my dad adopted my youngest brother. My sisters chose not to have my dad adopt them.
I was not an easy teenager. Just ask my mom. I lied and manipulated to get my way. I walked through life feeling displaced, rejected, and abandoned. Looking back, these feelings became recurring themes throughout my twenties and thirties and manifested in my quest for perfection and my type A Over-Achieving personality. My first marriage ended in divorce which only magnified my feelings of not being good enough.
I started my ever-present and ever-evolving journey of self-assessment and inquiry when I turned forty. When I was forty-three I remarried the love of my life and became a stepmom to a troubled teenage boy (and three adult children). My husband had full legal and physical custody of Junior.
I went through many of the same things stepmoms go through – the need to be a super stellar custodial stepmom, to outdo, be more, be better than, and never, ever, ever make a mistake. I created my own recipe for stepmom burnout. Like you, I found myself angry, resentful, and hostile. I overlaid my own issues with my real mother abandoning me onto Junior’s mother. I couldn’t understand why she stepped out of the picture. I resented her and I felt bad for Junior.
Junior began acting out. Property damage in my home, lying, passive aggressive behavior, and lying…did I mention lying? His ADHD didn’t help things either.
I woke up one day and realized that I oozed hostility. And it was hurting my marriage and my relationship with Junior. I began to connect my lying child self with Junior and I remembered what it’s like to be a child of divorce.
Before I could dive into self-inquiry, I had to accept what is so first. What I believed should be, such as Junior’s mom being mom, was in direct conflict with reality. I let go of the false beliefs I was holding onto. I disengaged (maybe a bit too much at first!) from full on parenting of Junior and I got to work on me…because I was the only variable that I could change.
As I worked on reclaiming me, I realized a few things:
It was Junior’s therapist who gave me the permission I thought I needed to completely let go and just be who I authentically am. He told me, “you did not break Junior; you cannot fix him, you cannot change him. Your only job is to love him.”
My job and your job is the same. To love. Reclaiming who you really are, your essence, and the seat of your soul is through love. All I had to do was love Junior. And to love Junior meant finding the little girl in me who felt abandoned after her parents divorced and give her the love she never received from her birth mother. To love Junior meant finding the mixed up teenage girl who manipulated and lied to get her way and forgive her.
In the process of learning to love Junior, I found a more balanced me. I found my peace and poise of mind. I made peace with Junior’s mom in my heart. I nurtured my relationships with those around me and myself.
And my husband? He got his happy wife back.
We learn to find ourselves the same way the great mystic poet Rumi wrote on how birds learn to fly.
“How do they learn it?
They fall; and falling they are given wings.“
I dare you to journey inward and find your real wings.
Tune into the next episode of Wise Advice on The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show and learn more about The Four Agreements
Where did we leave off? Oh yes, drinking martinis (Grey Goose straight up with a lemon twist is my favorite)…and getting rid of our wild-ass expectations about blissfully bonding ala Mike and Carol Brady…
Oh, I know. Talking about his ex-wife and his kids as issues and problems is a big ball of goo that very few of us are willing to step into. But step you must…as Jack Canfield would say,
I hear you…I hate personal confrontation just as much as you do. In order for me to start having conversations with my husband about my expectations and my role as the stepmom, I had to view the term confrontation in a positive light rather than in the negative way of “let’s get ready to rumble.” I also made the determination to “seek first to understand then to be understood.”
Additionally, I had to understand where my own expectations were magically appearing from. What was it in my personal experience that was causing me to create expectations that had no basis in my new reality?
As dawn broke over my marble head, I realized that as an ex-wife myself with two (now) adult children from my first marriage, I do not speak to my ex-husband. I can count on one finger how many times I’ve talked to him on the phone in the last year. Any communication that goes on between us is strictly through email and it’s strictly about our children. Just because I don’t call my ex-husband every other day or three times in thirty minutes doesn’t mean my husband’s ex-wife is going to follow my stellar example.
Email works for me and my ex-husband whereas the phone works better for my husband and his ex-wife. Instead of expecting that she should be like me, I decided to accept the reality that she and my husband discuss Junior over the phone. And it does help that she and I have a better than most mom/stepmom relationship.
Addressing the expectations I had around my stepson’s schedule, I had to tackle that with my husband and within myself.
I’m a custodial stepmom, so in my head, instead of having the expectation that “Junior should be with his mom on a regular schedule,” I applied Byron Katie’s technique and turned it around to “Junior’s with us 24/7 unless his mother decides to pick him up or if his grandmother invites him over for the weekend.” That’s my reality of being a custodial stepmom. However, after speaking with my husband and expressing to him how I felt and how Junior felt about the “whatever, whenever” schedule – that it works for him and his ex-wife but it doesn’t work for me and Junior – we came to an agreement that when my husband has drill weekend, Junior will go with his mom. This is the one weekend Junior and I both can count on that he’ll be with his mother. And just knowing that makes us both happy for very different reasons.
The more I uncover about my stepmom expectations and where they’re coming from, the more I’m able to detach from them. Most of them I let go of because they’re fabrications made up in my mind. A few of them are worthy of closer scrutiny and discussion. Those expectations are turned into agreements between my husband and me.
Life + Expectations = Disappointment.
Life – Expectations = Happiness.
I encourage you to take a look at your own expectations.
What expectations can you detach from?
What expectations are worthy of becoming an agreement between you and your husband or between you and your step children?
© Peggy Nolan, 2009
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PS: Don’t forget – I will be selecting one lucky commenter for a Toolbox Care Package! But – there needs to be 30 or more comments (combined from Part One) for me to pick a winner! Enjoy the conversation…I’ll be at a wedding…drinking a martini…or two!
In my life outside of being a stepmom, I am a systems project manager for a major financial company. As a PM, I understand all too well that poorly defined and / or ever changing requirements lead to miscommunication, misunderstanding, double the work in development, constant re-testing and all too often, the end result and the client’s expectations are farther apart than the next nearest galaxy. The customer is disappointed (or has cancelled any remaining business with us) and the project team is in analysis paralysis trying to figure out what went wrong.
Sound familiar? I bet you’ve seen this scenario or something similar play out in your work place. If you think something like this only happens at work, you’re wrong. It happens inside your home, too. Yes, that’s right. It happens right under your own roof.
In my line of work, a requirement is nothing more than a need or a problem that needs to be fixed or solved. As women married to men with kids from a prior relationship, we stepmoms have needs, issues, and problems that need to be addressed. Only they don’t get addressed for the very same reason that project requirements don’t get addressed.
I’ve worked on projects where team members will discuss among themselves a poorly defined requirement. They’ll come up with all kinds of ideas, prototypes, options, and sometimes they’ll just commiserate with each other because they need to let off steam because, gosh darn it, how are they supposed to solve a problem that they’re missing parts of the puzzle to? Did it ever occur to someone on the project team to pick up the phone and call the client to get clarification? That’s almost too easy.
The most common problem I’ve experienced and see with my sister stepmoms is that we have poorly defined needs, issues and problems that we try to solve amongst ourselves and we wonder “why don’t our husbands just ‘get it?’”
Whether it’s in the workplace or your home, it boils down to expectations. And as stepmoms we have some magical expectations…at least I know I started out with them!
For example, when I married my husband and his four kids, I had pie-in-the-sky expectations that everything was going to be wonderful. I already got along with his ex-wife and her entire family. I loved his kids, I loved my kids, I loved him – life was good.
Until…
I got that phone call from his ex-wife the day we returned from our honeymoon, “Hey Mr. and Mrs. Nolan…come get the boy.” Huh?
Months into my blissful marriage, the schedule for Junior changed yet again and again, “Can you take Junior this week…next weekend…three Thursdays from now?” The cherry on top came the day Junior called at 11:30 on Christmas morning, “Christmas with mom is over, you need to come get me.” What?
The day my husband and I returned home from our first anniversary trip. His cell phone rang three times in less than 30 minutes. Each time it was his ex-wife. Each time she was calling about Junior. Can’t she just make one phone call?
It wasn’t until my husband’s ex-wife called him and asked him to pay her the money my stepdaughters owed her that I came unhinged. I realized that I had to stop biting my tongue and expecting him to read my mind that these issues bothered the living day lights out of me.
Grab your martini and gather roundHere’s the deal – your husband can’t read your mind and if you have not communicated your stepmom needs, issues and problems to your husband in a manner that he understands, you will continue to experience disappointments that cut through your heart because your expectations are out of sync with reality.
© Peggy Nolan, 2009
Just like I don’t know what I don’t know, my husband doesn’t know what he doesn’t know (and neither does yours)! Stay tuned for Part II, which will appear Friday morning for your weekend reading enjoyment!
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A very special thank you to all my new subscribers! I can’t wait to pick the first lucky stepmom winner of the Toolbox Care Package on August 31!
PS – If this article and Part II receive 30 or more comments, I will select one lucky commenter for a Toolbox Care Package, too!
An excerpt from my article, which appears in the July issue of the StepMom Magazine!
Danger! ExpectationsIn my life outside of being a stepmom, I am a systems project manager for a major financial company. As a PM, I understand all too well that poorly defined and / or ever changing requirements lead to miscommunication, misunderstanding, double the work in development, constant re-testing and all too often, the end result and the client’s expectations are farther apart than the next nearest galaxy. The customer is disappointed (or has cancelled any remaining business with us) and the project team is in analysis paralysis trying to figure out what went wrong.
Sound familiar? I bet you’ve seen this scenario or something similar play out in your work place. If you think something like this only happens at work, you’re wrong. It happens inside your home, too. Yes, that’s right. It happens right under your own roof.
In my line of work, a requirement is nothing more than a need or a problem that needs to be fixed or solved. As women married to men with kids from a prior relationship, we stepmoms have needs, issues, and problems that need to be addressed. Only they don’t get addressed for the very same reason that project requirements don’t get addressed.
I’ve worked on projects where team members will discuss among themselves a poorly defined requirement. They’ll come up with all kinds of ideas, prototypes, options, and sometimes they’ll just commiserate with each other because they need to let off steam because, gosh darn it, how are they supposed to solve a problem that they’re missing parts of the puzzle to? Did it ever occur to someone on the project team to pick up the phone and call the client to get clarification? That’s almost too easy.
Ladies – we do the same thing. The most common problem I’ve experienced and see with my sister stepmoms is that we have poorly defined needs, issues and problems that we try to solve amongst ourselves and we wonder “why don’t our husbands just ‘get it?’”
Whether it’s in the workplace or your home, it boils down to expectations. And as stepmoms we have some magical expectations…at least I know I started out with them!
For example, when I married my husband and his four kids, I had pie-in-the-sky expectations that everything was going to be wonderful. I already got along with his ex-wife and her entire family. I loved his kids, I loved my kids, I loved him – life was good.
Until…
To read the rest of my article, make sure you log into the StepMom Magazine tomorrow! And if you haven’t subscribed yet, I strongly encourage it! StepMom Magazine is by StepMoms for StepMoms!