Stepmoms… Step Back!

Apr 3, 2011 by Teresa Thompson

Why I’m choosing to sit in the backseat of my stepdaughter’s life...

I began my role as a stepmom by becoming the custodial stepparent of a hurt, scared, angry little eight year old girl who had just been diagnosed with childhood depression. Seeing someone in crisis, I quickly donned my ‘Stepmom to the Rescue’ cape with matching tights and swooped in to save the day. I looked and felt glorious in my new position as wife and stepmom, and I was bursting at the seems with my ‘This is gonna to be great!’ attitude.

That was my first mistake.

Having no idea I’d just committed stepmom suicide, I proceeded to believe that my superior parenting skills and unconditional love was the be all and end all for this family. Thank goodness I was there! Now my stepdaughter didn’t have to be depressed, hurt, or angry anymore. Even better than that… her mom could learn so much from me about parenting! My shining example of motherhood will be the beacon of light that makes her see the error of her ways. She’ll finally be the kind of mom her daughter needs… thanks to ME!

That was my second mistake.

I felt that as soon as everyone saw my way was best and started doing things exactly how I thought they should done, they’d finally be happy. Once they embraced my light, they would fall all over themselves to be first in line to thank me. They’d believe I was the best thing that ever happened to their family! It would be wonderful!

That was my third mistake.

And those mistakes kept coming… As long as I made my stepfamily situation all about me, as long as I stood front and center amongst everyone, as long as I believed I was right and everyone else was wrong… I continued to make mistake after mistake after mistake.

My life became saturated with drama. I was exhausted, stressed, angry, resentful, and full of self-pity. However, I honestly felt I was doing the right thing. I believed my attitude what exactly what my blended family needed. I had the best of intentions, so I couldn’t see the arrogance and self-importance pouring out of my every word and action. I couldn’t understand why my way wasn’t working. Eventually I began to feel like my family was a disaster.

That’s when I reached out for help… and thank goodness I found Peggy! The best piece of advice she gave me came from the therapist she was seeing to help her own stepchild.

You didn’t break your stepchild(ren). You can’t fix your stepchild(ren). Your only job is to love your stepchild(ren).

Thank You Therapist!! I felt like I was the triage specialist to my stepdaughter’s wounds and it was my job to make everyone in my blended-family dynamics happy. Me, my husband, my daughter, my stepdaughter, her mom, her mom’s family, my in-laws, my extended family… Whew! That’s one huge, heaping load of happiness responsibility!

I. Couldn’t. Do. It.

Once I realized it was an impossible job to be the ‘Happiness Fairy’ and/or the ‘Fix-It Queen’ for everyone even remotely connected to my family, the idea of detaching sounded heavenly. It was time for this stepmom to step back! I began by giving myself three simple ground rules.

1. I Will Stop Parenting My Stepdaughter. It’s simply not my job. Yes, my husband and I have rules in our home that each of our children need to follow. However, I enforce those rules with my child and he enforces them with his. Period.

2. I Will Not Take What Her Mom Says Or Does Personally. Whatever she says or does, it’s never about me. It’s all about her own fears and doubts as an ex to my husband and a mother to my stepdaughter. I’m an easy, safe target for the biomom to use when releasing pent up frustration. How do I stop getting hit? I step out of the middle of her parenting relationship with the father of her children.

3. I Will Accept The Fact That Some Things Are Completely Out Of My Control. I cannot change child support, custody arrangements, or the dynamics of my husband’s relationship with his ex and his child. I also cannot change anyone else’s behavior. I can only change how I react to and interact with my life’s circumstances.

Following these simple rules allowed me to create a peaceful, personal space by which to participate in stepfamily life. I’m still a part of my stepdaughter’s life. I’m still my husband’s wife. And I’m still the female role-model in my own home. I’m still fully present in my life. I’m just doing it without all the pressure and drama I created for myself when I was standing front and center.

Homework! Take a moment to think about how you are participating in your blended family dynamics. Are you making yourself a target by standing in the middle? What steps can you take to step back? Create your own list of ground rules or adopt mine! Share your opinions and experiences in our forum!

Listen to Peggy, Teresa, and Erin talk about stepping back on The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show April 11th at 8PM EST.

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