Sometimes I think if I see one more stepmom write
“but I do everything for them! I cook, I clean, I chauffeur, I help with homework, I clean up their mess, I wipe their snot, and I work full time! I do it all and my (step)children turn their nose at me. They don’t respect me! They don’t appreciate me! And they never say ‘thank you!’”
I’m going to respond, “Of course they don’t!”
Why? Because you’re nothing more than an unending supply of give, give, give so they can take, take, take!
Your cause of giving produces a like effect of taking. There’s a payoff for both the taker (they get their every whim catered to) and the giver (you get to moan, groan, and complain ad nauseum about all that you do for a head tilt, a nod, and a little tea and sympathy).
In Winning Love, Wallace D. Wattles states, “you do NOT make people love you by the number of things you do for them. If they love you, it will be for what you ARE.” Stepmartyrs (and martyrs in general) “overdo the matter of service” and without fail “receive the contempt” of their step-children and in many cases, their husbands.
Stepmartyrs are not true, authentic people. You want to be liked, loved, and appreciated but you go about it in a tried but misguided fashion. Instead of being YOU, you pretend to be someone you think everyone else expects you to be. You deny who YOU really are. You stifle your authentic and glorious self. You make the mistake of “sacrificing yourself for others.”
What if, instead of sacrificing yourself, you made the MOST of yourself for others? Maybe your answer depends on another question: Do you want others to pity you or love you?
Wallace asserts that “If you wish to be loved, you must live your own life. And the more full and complete the life, the more love you will win.” When you grow you, when you become a better you, you inevitably become more loveable…and that’s what you really desire…to be loveable.
Are you ready to start living your own life and make the most of YOU?
What three Stepmartyr things can you give up in the next 30 days?
What three things can you develop in the next 30 days that will help you become a better you?
I could not agree more. The world opened up to me when I started living for me. My husband is happier and my son is happier. You can’t make anyone else happy if you aren’t happy yourself.
Acceptance that you will never receive the thank you is key. For me, it’s ok that I don’t receive the thank you. I am happy with me and what I do and that’s all that matters.
.-= Cecelia Winesap´s last blog ..Not So Much Breaking News – Four Year Old Manipulates Parents – Details at 11-00 =-.
So very true, Peggy!
I’m not much of a martyr, but I do tend to deplete myself by over-stretching. An eye-opener was when my psychologist once said to me: “Do you think your partner loves you for yourself or all that you give up?”
.-= Stepmum Of The Year´s last blog ..Stepfamily forums and the Mean Girls effect =-.
Pingback: A Powerful Life: The Lost Writings of Wallace D. Wattles | Scholarship Daily
I think 3 things I need to do in the next 30 days is:
-Take more deep breaths
-Draw more…for myself
-Smile because I have an incredible husband.
Yep, sounds like a good month.
Thanks for the article!
Dear Cecelia,
What I’ve discovered is that I can’t make anyone happy. Period. And nobody can make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness – just like you are responsible for yours. But I’ll gladly share my happiness with you. I just can’t make you happy.
In stepmom life I think stepmoms try to make everyone else happy by a multitude of doing rather than by simply Be-ing. The best advice I ever received about being a stepmom came from my husband: Just be you. I’ve been playing me ever since 
Dear Stepmum of the Year,
Ah…I love the question you were asked! Because I bet it caught you from sliding down the slippery slope of stepmartyrdom! Every stepmom needs to stop and ask themselves that very question!!
Dear Kate,
I Love your three things!! Keep breathing, keep drawing and keep smiling!! (and keep me posted! Would love to know how you’re doing a month from now!)
This is such a realization;”“If you wish to be loved, you must live your own life. And the more full and complete the life, the more love you will win.”
That kills of any negativity about being selfish for me, xox Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Wilma’s friends on Intimacy has consequences =-.
I couldn’t agree more!! I was guilty of this last summer and at times it made me miserable. I tended to over do things and ended up stretching myself too thin. I have learned over time it isn’t worth it and I only end up having resentment for my husband and the son. Now I do what I want to do, and a little bit of what I don’t want to, and I have found a happy balance for both me and my finally.
Great words of wisdom, as always!! Thanks
.-= Life of a stepmama´s last blog ..Forgotten Call =-.
Dear Life,
I am so glad you have found your happy balance!! Good on you!! xxoo
Dear Wilma,
Wallace D. Wattles is AMAZING! I just love how he states that making the MOST of who we are rather than sacrificing our”selves” for others is how to become loveable (not to mention INTERESTING!!) xoxo
Peggy,
I just wrote down the name of the book. Heard of the author before but never read and of his stuff. I love love love the photo!
.-= Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Why Is Life Good =-.
Peggy,
I love this one! I especially like the quote; “You do not make people love you because of the number of things you do for them.” I love Wallace Wattles! It is SO true and a trap that us stepmoms (even me, long ago) often fall into. Additionally, I am an advocate of stepmoms realizing that there is more to life than being a stepmom. At the end of the day we are women and it’s okay for us to find out what makes us tick instead of making sure everyone else is ticking all the time. Wattles is right, making the most of who we are as individuals is how we become lovable! Very thought provoking article. Thanks so much for sharing!
Kela
Can I repost this?
Dear Kela,
We’re much more interesting when we find what makes us tick rather than keeping everyone else ticking!! By all means, please repost this!!
xo
Peggy
All of this sounds great in theory but trying to “build a better me,” proved to be impossible when their father determined that I am to be the primary caregiver. It continued to be impossible even as the kids grew older and I had to argue with them to pitch in. The relationship finally died when my requests for the kids to pitch in were interpreted as, ‘I like fighting with everybody.’
Everyone would prefer to be liked than pitied. Everyone likes to spend time developing themselves. Therefore, there are some men out there who are looking to pawn off the responsibility of their kids on someone else. And when we try to get them and their kids to pitch in so that we can develop ourselves, we are demonized as being nagging, complaining, always fighting with everyone….
Being a stepmother is a lose/lose situation. If we choose to take the time to build a career and request that others pitch in, we are demonized as being selfish, always arguing and nagging and deemed incompetent. If we bear the brunt of taking care of someone else’s kids, we become martyrs and amount to nothing but being a maid.
At the core of the problem is the fact that kids don’t want to be parented and or told what to do by people who aren’t their parent.
My problems with the step kids began when I started to ask them, reason with them and eventually argue with them and their father to do the dishes. Before that everyone was fine with me, but I was living on 4 hours of sleep per night trying to take care of them while trying to be true to myself. Eventually my body broke down. I asked for help and then the family turned on me.
Biological parents need to understand that the responibility of parenting is theirs and theirs alone. Because children don’t share the same bond with a step parent as they share with their biological parents, requests to do what they don’t feel like doing, by a step parent, are not received the same way they would be if the requests were made by a biological parent. Step children who are being demanded upon by step parents to do dishes or run to the store, when they don’t feel like it, will come to resent the step parent or outright disobey them. The biological parent witnessing the conflict can’t help but side with the kids. Then everyone turns on the step parent and the step parent is made aware that they are the outsider.
This plot is commonplace in the story of being a step parent. And it’s commonplace because parenting is a two person job. Many single parents are looking for someone to take care of the responsibility of their kids. Biological parents looking for a new spouse to parent their kids are setting the new spouse up for rejection, unless the new spouse is happy to be a martyr/ shut up and clean up after everyone. Noone wants to be a reject and a martyr.
And so it’s up to potential step parents to identify those single parents looking for someone to pawn off their parenting responsibilities and it’s up to biological parents to take responsibility for their kids. After all – they made them.
I think Dr. Wattles was too quick to place the blame on women’s willingness to martyr themselves and should have looked at the motives of others (the biological parents) and the family dynamics involved. While I didn’t want to lose the family I had put so much into, kids require a great deal of parents and without the compensation of love that a parent would get, a step parent can only ever be a martyr. After years of fighting for the time to be something other than a martyr, I became an outcast and left.
Maybe I wouldn’t have if the Dr. Wattles of the world had some practical suggestions as to how to get your step kids to pitch in without the biological parent becoming defensive. Too bad this guy was so quick to blame the women in this scenario and too bad the lot of you are so quick to accept the blame. Well good luck getting the buggers to pitch in so that you could “grow yourselves.” I hope you’re more successful than I was.
Sign me,
Nobody’s Slave
Dear Karen,
“When their father determined me to be their primary caregiver…” You didn’t have a choice in this? You accepted this determination made about you, for you and not by you? Did you agree to this determination and take on your husband’s responsibilities for his children? Did you fall into the “give give give” while they “took took took?” By taking on the responsibilities of another (caretaking) you unconsciously set yourself up for disappointment after disappointment. Melodie Beattie writes that caretaking does not work because it breeds resentment in both the one doing the caretaking and the one being taken care of.
What part did you play in this?
Isn’t it the individual’s responsibility to be aware of another’s motives? Don’t we have the responsibility to ask questions of the other and not make assumptions?
While your story is the story of so many others and I empathize and feel sad for your loss, you opted to sacrifice yourself. I did that in my first marriage. Not a remarriage, but first marriage (no step anything).
Wattles’ essay “Winning Love” (1896) is gender neutral. He didn’t blame women at all. If you read the essay, you’ll find he does give practical suggestions for making the most of you. I wish I had only known about this in my first marriage. Thank goodness I worked on becoming a better me before committing to marriage the second time around – a marriage in which I acquired four stepkids in addition to my two from my first marriage.
Karen – I do hope you will take the time now to make the most of you.
Warmly,
Peggy
Pingback: Weekend Assignment for Stepmoms | The Stepmom's Tool Box