June 2008
It’s too hot to wear clothes, so I dressed in my blue jean shorts, a black tank top with sewn on shells, and black kitten heel slides. No jewelry and no makeup except lip gloss. My big Jackie O sunglasses with black frames are my only accessory.
It’s that Time of year when families get together to celebrate and my sweetie’s family needs only 1/2 an excuse to set up the tents, tables and grills…today is one of those days.
Hubby and I are off to his “Dad’s” to celebrate Jenny’s 2nd birthday. Jenny is the granddaughter of Tom, Rick’s step brother in law from his previous marriage. The family tree is difficult to describe and even harder for people to understand. Rick’s “Dad” is really his ex father in law…but he calls him Dad…and so do I.
Yes, it’s real – the ex family is Rick’s family and there is no inbreeding. They just opted to keep him when Rick’s ex wife divorced him. In fact, “Dad” considers Rick his son And I am the second wife, the best wife, and Rick’s LAST wife. His ex-wife’s family has opened their hearts, their homes, and welcomed me in with open arms. ODD…Yes!
But back to the party – nearly everyone in the family is there. Including my husband’s ex-wife, who is also wearing blue jean shorts, a tiny black tank top, and black high heels. And no – we did not coordinate outfits.
It’s 90 some odd degrees out, but I’m frosty the snow queen with my husband’s ex-wife – she’s gotten under my skin and invaded real estate space between my ears. Between manipulating her way to borrowing my husband’s truck and dumping her youngest son on other people when it’s supposed to be her Time with him…errrrr…gets under my skin.
Rick and I have had a few uncomfortable conversations over the past week or so. Last weekend when he told me she was borrowing his truck (after he said no to her, but then yes to his daughter, he just couldn’t rationalize saying no to her again). I literally had to walk away from him…banged my head on the pantry door a few Times, and then vented. Once again, I had to explain to him that he is not his ex-wife’s go to guy. She’s got several assorted brothers, two dads, and a freaking boyfriend. Rick tries to rationalize that if it was one of her brothers needing to borrow the truck, I’d be giving them the keys myself. Hello…you were never married to her brothers! You didn’t sleep with them and have four children with them. Rick sees his ex-wife as a “family” member. I see her as the manipulative ex-wife. And I don’t trust her.
Finally, dawn breaks over marble head when Rick tells me a little story.
“Frog jumps into boiling water. OUCH! Frog immediately jumps out.
Frog swims in a pot of pond water…water gets warmer and warmer and BAM! Water is boiling and frog dies.”
To Rick’s credit – he is the most giving person I have ever known. To ask him to stop would be like asking a fly to bird (A bird can fly, but a fly can’t bird…ask me a riddle and I’ll tell you why…Cottleston, cottleston, cottleston pie…AA Milne) I can neither change his inner nature nor do I want to. In accepting him for him I must accept that he extends his giving nature to even his ex wife. Do I like it? No. Do I accept it? Yes.
Likewise, Rick is now aware of his ex-wife’s border incursions (that’s what I refer to them as…) and he understands my perception of them – because I told him that he doesn’t recognize he’s being manipulated and I do. (hence the frog story) In the grand scheme of things, I am not upset with my husband…I am upset with his ex-wife. And what Rick said was dead right – he needs to see her as more of an ex-wife rather than a family member or a friend.
So, once we got that straightened out, issue #2 smacked me in the face. My husband’s ex-wife has every other weekend with my stepson, Tim, and always on drill weekend. Rick’s gone and he’s pretty steadfast on adhering to Tim going with his mother on that weekend because Rick believes that I should have one weekend a month were I can do anything or nothing and not have to worry about or deal with Tim. The other night he asked me if I would mind taking Tim on drill weekend and his ex-wife would take him back to back weekends…only I didn’t hear drill weekend. I thought he said “this weekend” and let me tell you, unless it’s done well in advance, I do NOT like having my weekends alone with my husband disrupted!
Oh, when I responded, I was quite the snit. I told him “we’ve got this going on this weekend, that going on next weekend – it’s on the calendar – which we were supposed to go over last night but you decided not to (can we say BITCH???) He took one look at me and I was so embarrassed by my attitude…I couldn’t get “I’m so sorry” out fast enough…Rick set his jaw and was “you know, I can make this god damn decision on my own without even asking you…” He doesn’t finish…he’s just as embarrassed as I am. He walks into our office to look at the calendar on the wall…he asks about next weekend and I tell him that Sunday is Father’s Day and he says, “well, that won’t work.”
In the meantime, my cheeks are burning…I creep upstairs and lay down on my bed. And I just breathe. That’s all I can think about doing…breathing. And I feel the twitch…right under my left eye…my body has reached its maximum stress level and I can only think about getting rid of the stress. Rick comes upstairs, tells me dinner’s ready and then asks what I’m doing. “I’m embarrassed,” I told him, “I acted like such a snot.”
A few minutes later, I go downstairs. We usually eat dinner in the living room. I sat down next to him on the couch. Not close to him…I mean, I’m feeling awful…like a spoiled brat who didn’t get her way about something. And Rick begins to apologize. “I’m sorry I said what I said. That was mean of me to say.”
I about fell all over myself. I gently touched his arm and said, “no, you don’t have to apologize, I was the one being a snit.”
We’re both silent for a few seconds. Seconds that seemed like hours. I put my hand on his arm and he turned his head toward me. “Can we rewind this conversation…start again…after dinner?”
And he says “of course.”
We talk after dinner. I have nothing planned other than my normal nail appointment on the Saturday of drill weekend. I agree to keep Tim with me. No problem. But for some reason, I’m under the impression that Tim will be with his mother next weekend…so I start thinking about how to get him home Sunday morning for Father’s Day.
So now, here I am sitting in 90 degree weather across the table from my husband’s ex-wife. I might as well have frosty the bitch tattooed on my forehead. I’d rather have a root canal than have to make nicey-nice conversation with her. In my mind, I’d rather take her to the curb and kick her in the ass. My mini-drama only gets better because as I got up to throw away my plate, Shelly, my oldest step daughter comes up to me to tell me that breakfast on Father’s Day for Rick is perfect and that she and Ann (her sister, my other step daughter) will be at the house. Great…and that’s when I asked her if she could somehow get Tim from her mom that morning and bring him with her…and Kelly tells me that “mom’s not taking Tim that weekend…they just talked about it at the table…”
So, I get back to the table, my brain is on overdrive and I want to kick SOMEBODY. Doesn’t really matter WHO at this point. I whisper in Rick’s ear, “can I talk to you inside for a minute?”
We go inside, and I asked him what’s going on and “why isn’t your ex-wife taking Tim next weekend?”
“I don’t want the hassle of a split weekend on Father’s Day.” Rick starts to explain. “So, Tim’s with us next weekend.”
“Ok,” I say, “what about the wedding we’re going to? Who’s got Tim?” Tim is 16 years old and I’m worried about who’s got him? Holy Crap Batfans…he can take care of himself!
But my knickers are all bunched up…and I’m irritated but Rick and I really can’t talk about it where we were at because his ex-wife sister was right there and I had to plaster on a big ole fake ass smile.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I’m tired of this game. Every other weekend is Every Other Weekend. I don’t care if you want to go to bike weekend…or whatever. He’s your freaking kid.
And then it dawns on me. I’m mentally in my husband’s ex-wife’s business and not minding my own. So what if she wants to go to bike weekend? So what if she dumped Tim off with his older sister on Friday night. SO WHAT? In her head, she’s done. In my head, “once a mom, always a mom.”
I don’t get her and I don’t have to! That’s the beauty of it. I don’t have to. I don’t have to manage or foster Tim’s relationship with HIS mother and vice versa. As long as I mind my relationship with Tim, it’s not my business to mind any of his relationships. It’s not my business. Let me say it again – It’s NOT my business.
Back at home, I’m fidgety. Rick knows something up – I telegraph my emotions like a blinking neon sign. But he also knows to wait until I’ve pulled my words together so that they form complete sentences.
We talk. And talk. Or, I talk and he listens. And then he talks and I listen. I don’t remember the entire conversation, just the important parts. That we had a blue and pink disconnect. And that it dawned on me that the only way I can deal with this stress free is to simply abandon the magical thinking of Every Other Weekend. That the only weekend I can expect Tim to be with his mother is drill weekend. Anything else is a bonus. Let my husband’s ex-wife off the hook. It’s too aggravating.
To that end, I offered up a suggestion to Rick – let Tim call the shots. Let HIM call HIS mother and make arrangements to see her. He’s 16 years old. It worked for my daughter – I decided it was her relationship with her father to manage – so I simply told her that whenever she wanted to see him, she could (barring any significant plans). It worked.
It also helped that my daughter had her own car and could drive herself to see her dad. Tim’s not even close and relies on other people to get him to and from places…doesn’t help that his mom lives 40 miles south. But…not my problem to deal with.
Rick’s going to think on this…I think he agrees with the approach, but like me, he enjoys our weekends without having any kids around. We have complete freedom to do anything or nothing.
Soon enough, we will be empty nesters…until then, it’s just better I go with the simple truth, of my reality, Tim will be with us 24/7 unless someone calls up and says “can I take Tim for the weekend?” Or unless Tim makes arrangements with his mother, grandmother, or one of his sisters. Or Tim gets his own clue, matures enough to pass driver’s ed, gets a part time job and buys his own car.
At the end of the day, Pink and Blue reconnected. We were able to hop off the Crazy Spin Cycle before it got moving too fast. We gave each other some breathing room to calm down, did the rewind, began again, and for the first time in the almost 2 years we’ve been married, I actually pulled him inside for a side bar to clarify his position – once done, I no longer had to bite my tongue bloody. And I don’t care if every one in his ex-wife’s family saw the two of us go inside to have a little chat. It was simply more important that I didn’t hold it in until we got home because it would have made the rest of my day suck big time.
We can all get off the crazy spin cycle. Whether it’s step kids, kids, ex-wives, other step mothers, in-laws, outlaws, ex-laws, or even our wonderful husbands…we always have a choice – accept what is and ask “now what can I do” or continue to war against reality – which ultimately leads to our own suffering.
