Step Mom Overload…a page from my journal…

Apr 1, 2009 by Peggy Nolan

This morning, as I blocked off an hour to write, I did just about anything else…made breakfast, ate breakfast, checked email, goofed around on Facebook…and then with exactly 14 minutes left of my writing hour, I settle in.  I looked on my bookshelf to see what would help jump start my blank page…and I pulled from the shelf one of my favorite books, “The Gift of Change” by Marianne Williamson.  I have read this book many many times.  It’s dog eared, underlined, highlighted, asterisked, tabbed, dated, and apparently, I have journal entries that never made it to my journal…they are handwritten notes that I dated and left in the book.

My life as a step mom has been and is a rocky road…but even among the rocks, there are glimpses of blooming beauty…but I can tell from the notes I left in the book, I was definitely picking my way very carefully through a pile of rocks in 2007!

9/4/07:  Feeling like prickly cactus.  Not any one particular thing.  Little things with a dose of concern / worry thrown in.  Mostly about my step son, Tim.   No follow through.  Nearly zero consistency.  No consequences for bad behavior.  No encouragement for new, better behavior.  There’s no incentive for him to change.  

And then I open the book to page 65, “From Anxiety to Atonement…At One Ment”

“I go back and forth sometimes between thinking [my] world is marvelously FINE and then thinking it’s completely screwed up!”  (Marianne Williamson)

How true, how true! And the truth is – my life is both.

“Every day, I have two choices.  I can face the day with the conundrum raging inside me, luring me toward Anger and Frustration.  Or I can deal with the now – before I leave the house.  I want to rise above  [the days ins and outs with Tim] not because I’m the [Bonus Mom] who’s got to grin and bear it, but because I truly care.  I don’t want to be hooked the the negative energy that seems to be following me around today.” (Williamson)

When life as a Bonus Mom starts to pile up, I don’t like what it does to my personality, my mood, my attitude.  I don’t like the me who becomes a prickly cactus.  

I keep thinking that to be a better step mom, mom, wife, me – I need to master some new skill set or acquire some new kind of earth shattering and profound knowledge.  In fact, all I need to do is “master my own ability to find serenity and quiet in the midst of raging storms (or Bonus Mom overload).”

When I’m in Bonus Mom overload or running around trying to solve Tim’s problems or find solutions to whatever is going on between his ears, I am neither thinking my best nor feeling my best.

My Prayer for My Step-Son

God, please take this.  Please take Tim and hold him close.  He needs so much help.  And I’m overloaded and overwhelmed.  I’m trying to do too much and I’m doing it too fast.  I have a choice and I choose to ask You for a miracle because I’m tired and stressed.  I lovingly ask that You help me and my husband find the right people to help us teach Tim to be Self-Sufficient, Productive, Responsible, and a loving, caring person.  

My prayer from September 2007 is still valid today.  God has helped us find Paul Wright - an excellent pyschologist with 30 years of experience working with troubled teenagers.  We are making progress, but with recent evaluations, my husband and I have to re-assess where Tim actually is and what he is capable of at his current emotional age (chronologically, he’ll be 17 in April).

And today I chose not to let the Conundrum raging inside me lure me towards Anger and Frustration.  I will find peace and serenity regardless of what step parenting  storm is raging around me.

And today, I’m sending out to all my sister Step Moms – peace, joy, and happiness!

Love,

The Bonus Mom