Step Children Creating Separateness
I recently received this email from a sister stepmom and new friend, who graciously allowed me to post her question here.
I need advice. What do you do when step-kids create separateness? My husband does not include me in his kids’ lives. When his daughter (17) comes to visit, they pretty much become the “couple” and spend the whole weekend together. My stepdaughter is controlling and runs the show. My husband lets her and hasn’t done much to make things feel normal or integrated. I should say that we’ve been together for 9 years and married for 5. My husband assures me that things just take time but after all these years, I don’t see much change. My kids adore him and we include him in everything we do.
However, it’s not reciprocated.
I have to constantly ask my husband what’s going on in his kids’ lives. If I don’t ask, I won’t get any information. Just this weekend, my husband and his daughter are taking a three day trip to see his sister in NY. They made their plans and I was not included.
I just found out before they left that they have plans to go to a dance club in NYC one night! If I had planned this kind of trip with one of my kids, I’d at least fill my husband in on all the details. His resistance to including me combined with his controlling kids is hurting our relationship.
The other part of this is that my husband doesn’t encourage his daughter to think of me on my birthday or at Christmas. I’ve never received a card or gift from her. She also eavesdrops on our conversations but my husband doesn’t confront her on this.
By the way, I didn’t mention his other controlling kid who is 32 and lives in Florida…another story. Ugh!
You would think that my husband is a monster from all I’ve written but he’s actually a very sweet and kind man—he just is wimpy and guilt ridden when it comes to his kids.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
Advice From The Tool Box
I see this crop up in so many stepmom discussions in one way or another. Even in my own stepmom life, this issue rears its ugly head, albeit to a lesser extent.
At the heart of the matter is the feeling of being excluded. Whether it’s an innocent conversation that starts off with “Remember when…” or when the step child “visits” for the weekend and dad drops everything to become one with the child at the exclusion and expense of YOU…his wife.
According to Wednesday Martin (Stepmonster, page 126) “the single greatest threat to a remarriage is the presence of children of any age from a prior union.”
What is key here is for your husband and you “to establish and maintain a close couple relationship despite the presence of kids” who would rather not acknowledge you.
Your husband’s actions, while he may believe he’s doing you a favor or making your life easier by not involving you, smacks of exclusion to the nth degree. It’s not that he’s making plans with his daughter, it’s that he’s not telling you. As a woman and a stepmom myself, that would drive me crazy.
Hello? Wife over here! Thanks for including me Joe!
A quick course in how men and women’s brains are so drastically different is in order. Men have what Mark Gungor calls “boxes.” There’s a box for you, a box for the kids, a box for the dog, a box for work, a box for his ex (might be in the basement) and these boxes don’t touch…he’s even got a nothing box (and watch the video, because it’s SO true!) Women on the other hand don’t have boxes…everything is connected to everything in our brains. So…when your cheerful teenage stepdaughter arrives, your husband puts his wife box back and takes out his daughter box. And the two never touch.
<sigh…MEN!>
All kidding aside, it is paramount that you invite your husband to a discussion regarding this exclusion. Begin the discussion with two things that are great and wonderful, then gently drop in how awful you feel when your husband excludes you, and then finish with one more thing positive and a call to action.
What do you want your husband to do? What course of action can you suggest (not dictate) to him that will help you feel included?
As I state so often, the marriage must come first. Even in the presence of his kids and your kids, there can be no mistake – your marriage and your relationship get top billing in your remarried dynamic.
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Anyone else? What other advice can we give to our sister stepmom?
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Great Advice!
Mark Gungor is soooo funny too. I love this clip.
A regular ‘Advice from The Toolbox’ column would be a fab addition to your blog. Sometimes we share the same questions, but do not know how to put it into words.
Bev
BAS – I was thinking the same thing…I’ve been asked to do an advice column…so yeah…I think I will!
We say the stepcouple relationship comes first so that both individuals, Dad and Stepmom, can play a positive role in raising and influencing each others’ kids.
In this case, the remarriage doesn’t even exist in the hearts and minds of his kids —too bad, so sad for everyone. (Teenagers are not naturally open to new stepparents in their lives.)
It’s wonderful when kids and stepkids can witness and experience a strong and healthy stepcouple relationship…especially when they’ve been through divorce and loss in the past. They can understand overtime that Dad is happy with his new wife. They can benefit from this role model and carry it with them.
It’s up to Dad to assertively pave the way for his kids to get to know and slowly accept his wife/their stepmother. He should spend quality time alone with his kids as well as time together with the stepcouple and stepsiblings. Yeah, it’s an adjustment for everyone, but it’s better to face up to the stepfamily reality than to act like it doesn’t exist.
Susan Wisdom
Author, Stepcoupling
Please use this version… reads much better… Thanks
Hi, I too need advice. Similar to above but not. My husband has carried incredible guilt over his children’s last family break up. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5. I have 3 children (26, 16,15), he has 2 (now 16 & 18). Our children have always got along very well and I was going to be the best step parent in the world. His ex got married overseas and never told her children. When we told them we were getting married, they cried. At the start, his ex and her partner were invited into our home, we had regular meetings, she hosted their birthday parties by my pool etc.. but then one day it all stopped. His children would come Thursday to Monday – two weekends out of three and most holidays.
My children love and adore my husband, but he couldn’t return it out of guilt for his own children. His kids have never liked sharing him and there are typical things in there – disloyalty to the other parent etc. But it got to the point where his daughter would not acknowledge our family the minute she walked out of our door.. and treated my daughter terribly at school etc. She is spiteful, incredibly immature and they have never been taught to talk about things and sort things out. Her mother told me in the early days that she had to leave him (my husband) to get her daughter back. At the age of 6 or 7, he would come home from work and the daughter would say to the mother “go away he is my daddy” and ignore her mother for the rest of the night. She said it took a year to get her back. This may be because for the year prior seh went out every weekend with girlfriends and he had the kids on his own.
Basically they have had always been given power over me (he left me 6 times over her tantrums and stuff she couldn’t deal with in her own life). My daughter has always forgiven her (and him), always wanted this family and tried her heart out. Yes.. my daughter is strong, incredibly mature for her age, sometimes in your face and incredibly intelligent – and they can’t deal with it. They condemn her for it rather than accept it. But she is the one with the big heart, always offering to share, writing cards to my husband to talk and sort things outs – more like she is the adult. She asked to call him Dad four years ago and he said no. He broke her heart (her father had moved to another state 6 years before which also broke her heart).
I have never yelled at his children or hurt them. Asked to do their chores, Yes. And in the last 3 years really stepped back to avoid hurt and arguments. But he never really parented them – he was too scared of losing them and they knew it. They would manipulate and say they hated it here, or that he’d changed. They are clingly, very dependant, never have friends over (they would cry if they had to catch the bus to school). And then when he started to actually pull them up and discipline or ask them to things they didn’t like they would cry and blame me.
Sadly in December there was another blow out… and a tantrum from her (both my husband and I did contribute slightly) – but he scooped her up and carried her out, and got angry at me, again. From that day on we have been separated – for him to come home I need him to be united with me and put our marriage first – and not have his hand on the door ready to leave all the time. He moved out 6 weeks ago.. and his children have now told him if he comes back to me they will not be part of his family life going forward.
I think he can see where he went wrong in his parenting and our relationship… and truly regrets it. But he can’t come back now because of his children. And 80% of the time together we are amazing. All we fought over were the kids, and mainly his (I was never allowed to say or do anything because I did it differently to him). We don’t do arguments very well.. he hates confrontation and is very defensive over his children. I try to seek clarity and understanding… and we don’t get far.
We love each other deeply, are now in counselling and “dating” – but I still fear he will let his kids continue to have power and think they can undo a marriage.. and our happiness. I hurt so much – can’t believe after loving someone so much, and trying so hard (I was the adult and tried to do it with grace.. but yes, I now resent his children.. and him) that I have now finished up here. Wondering how I live the rest of my life without this man in it. He truly is a beautiful man.. just a huge weakness and soft spot for his children. I am trying to put the anger and hurt behind me but whilst he continues stays away (choosing major unhappiness and being on his and only having them 4 days a fortnight). I have told him I will give him the “grace” to spend time with his kids when he needs to, but they won’t come to our house. And he wants “it all”. I feel like they “win”, I feel so worthless. I have scoured the internet for some help in this sort of situation… and can not find anything. Is there someone who can help… and offer some advice.
Dear Anita,
I am so sorry your husband has allowed his children to call the shots. I feel sorry for you as well – because we get what we tolerate and we teach others how to behave based on what we tolerate. I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend the book “StepCoupling” by Susan Wisdom and “The Remarriage Checkup” co-authored by Ron L. Deal. I’ve had both on my show and Ron Deal will be on again on April 4. He will be speaking directly to dads and stepdads. I can’t think of a more important show for your husband to listen to.
Much love,
Peggy