Self Care Or Martyrdom?

Mar 3, 2011 by Peggy Nolan

Dear Stepmoms – While I’m on vacation until mid March, many of you answered my request for guest bloggers! Today, I am honored to bring you the awesome Mary R. or as we know her as “Stepmom Central!” And of course, she’s writing about a topic near and dear to my heart! Enjoy!

As a stepmom of 8 years, life after awhile becomes somewhat normal as it can be in a stepfamily. Pickup’s and drop-offs are just a part of your weekly life and you begin to stop cringing every time you get compared to their mother.

As a custodial stepmom sometimes the role of “mom” relies more on you than it does your stepchildren’s biological mother. You wake up with them, play taxi, throw birthday parties and quickly rush them to Urgent Care when they bump their head.

When you are a stepmother, family life and preserving your marriage is definitely a balancing act. Finding time for your husband and slipping off for some alone time with him is much more complicated than it would be if your family was just simply a nuclear family. More schedules to deal with, more problems to be solved, sometimes without an immediate solution in site.

Somewhere in between trying to be a good wife, stepmother and mother , juggling jobs, sports schedules, washing dirty dishes and making sure everyone’s else’s lives are running smoothly we forget to take care of ourselves.

It sneaks up on you. One month you’re running on stepmom superpowers and adrenaline and the next you feel worn out, dragged through the mud and depressed.  You try to rewind and figure out where you went wrong. You tried to do everything right but somehow it wasn’t good enough.  You did what you felt was right thing to do; you put everyone else’s needs before your own.

Many women fall prey to this. It’s been a common teaching that a mother sacrifices all; right? But when does it just become too much? When do we begin to feel like a doormat?

We forgot to take care of our emotional and physical well-being. We forgot the importance of self-preservation. We no longer go grab lunch with our girlfriends. Our workout regimen consists of running out the door to get the kids to school on time.  Our idea of quiet time is the time we have while we are using the restroom. Plans of intimate vacations have been forgotten and the pedicure that you love so much becomes sadly neglected. So what? Some might say! That’s the sacrifices of being a parent, especially a mother.

Playing the martyr and the victim all day to others that do not know you outside of your home might sound extremely convincing but when you come home, are you happy? Are you content?

What many stepmoms don’t understand or realize is that these unhealthy behaviors open up the door to becoming the wicked stepmother stereotype without even realizing what’s taking place.

No one ever said stepmotherhood was going to be an easy job. It has been said that 30% of all stepfamilies will fail in the first three years. It has also been said that 50% will fail within the first 6 years. Those statistics are sad and depressing but in fact very true. Because of them, we tend to overcompensate.

But what if we just took a little time for ourselves? What if we stopped in our martyr-like tracks and took the victim cape off? What if we decided to be more than that?

Last year I did something that was extremely hard for me as a control freak; I took a vacation by myself. For 6 days I went up to Northern California; no husband, no kids, no furry friends.  I saw the sights, visited with family, crocheted for the first time in years, went shopping and read some really good books. I kept my phone calls to the family to the minimum and tried to trust in my husband and the people I left to care for the kids. I came home a week later to a spotless house and welcome back letters from the kids.

Later on I found out the dog had came into the house and peed on my brand new couch. A family member watching the kids tried to make my son pick up dog poop which has sent him into a screaming fit. My step-kids were allowed to get away with things I would have never let them do and my husband had forgotten to pay a utility bill almost resulting in the water getting shut off.  But for one week I was able to escape from it all. I love my family don’t get me wrong but I came back with a fresh perspective. In order to run a happy, healthy home I needed to take care of me.

Taking time for yourself isn’t something you should feel guilty for. Self preservation (in a non selfish, non destructive way) is essential as a stepmom.

Your family will survive without you while take the bubble bath you have been dying to take for the past month. Life went on without you before you came into the picture and if you take an hour for “me time”, the world will still rotate on its axis properly. You are entitled to live healthy and be happy. You are have a right to have time to pray, meditate or exercise. Sitting down to read a book or write in your journal shouldn’t be a twice a year thing. Your children won’t be less cared for if you go out and have some fun every once in awhile.

In the next month try to take time for yourself and see if you can recognize the positive changes in yourself.  Self care will in turn be a positive decision for all members of your family. Try it and see!

Mary Rohr
Stepmom Central
Stepmom of 8 years, mother of 7 years.
Non-Martyr to all!