Part III: The Stepmom’s Self-Deception
Author’s Note: I am re-running my articles on Self-Deception and Self-Betrayal
Self-Betrayal
Shortly after my first anniversary I received an email from The Ex-Wife’s step-brother. He sent out a family request to help her move. Her second marriage just ended in divorce and she couldn’t afford to stay in the apartment she was living in. She didn’t ask for help but her step-brother could tell – she needed her family there to help her. In my heart I knew that Richard and I should be there to schlep boxes from her apartment into storage…but that moment of truth was quickly clouded by my terrible inner two year old. 
Seeing that email in my inbox more than made my eyes cross. I’m pretty sure they flipped behind my eye lids so only the whites showed. My hair stood straight on end…as if I had plugged my finger into an electrical outlet. And I’m quite positive my head swiveled a full 360 degrees and I most certainly would have given Linda Blair a run for her money in the Exorcist.
Why. Should. I. Help. Her?
Richard, bless his heart, simply told me, “If you say no to helping her, then the answer is no.” Richard has a heart of gold (and I’m quite certain the halo my parents said he had when he was 17 years old is still firmly intact). Richard often tells me that “even Hitler had a puppy.” It’s his way of reminding me that we’re all human.
Now, here’s where the Arbinger Institute’s concept of self-betrayal comes into play. The moment I saw the email, I knew the right thing to do would be to help Richard’s ex-wife. But just as quickly as that thought entered my mind, I banished it with “Why should I help her?” I’m the one dealing with her son’s issues. I’m the one in counseling with him, not her. My stepson is angry with her and it taking it out in my home. See what a good stepmom I am and what a questionable mom she is… I have a longer list of self-justifications in my journal for not wanting to do the right thing…for not wanting to help her. It didn’t matter to me that her life was upside down crazy.
The Ex-Wife was a thorn in my side. She was my biggest problem. And I needed her to be a problem so I could appear more like Glenda the Good Witch than Snow White’s Evil Stepmother.
I know all my sister stepmoms would hop on my band wagon (and you did!) and absolutely 100% agree with me in not wanting to help.
Can anyone tell me though, at what moment did I betray myself? Why do you think I had to justify all my reasons (or excuses) to help her move? In devaluing her role as a mom and elevating my role as the stepmom, what imbalance do you think I created in my head? And for 1,000,000,000 bonus points, did I rest on my just reasoning or did I help Richard’s ex-wife move?
Inside my head I waged a full scale war against what I should do. How I struggled! The morning of the big move, I woke up antsy. I didn’t sleep well as the battle between what I *should* do and what I didn’t want to do wore me down. Around 8:30 AM, I told Richard, “If we’re going to do this, we need to leave now…before I change my mind.” 
In my moment of clarity I saw Richard’s ex-wife as a person with thoughts, feelings, and desires…she’s really no different than me. And I remember the people who pitched in to help me move after my divorce from my first husband. I remember how my feelings of loss and grief made the simplest decisions seem insurmountable. I realized that Richard’s ex-wife most likely felt overwhelmed with packing up her home, putting her things in storage and moving into the downstairs den of her sister’s condo.
Is your husband’s ex-wife a problem or a person?
Stay tuned tomorrow as we continue the discussion on how Self-Betrayal and Self-Deception impact your remarried life and your role as a stepmom.
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Person or problem? Hmmm. It’s funny…I so often find myself defending The Ex to her son as he gains awareness of the past drama she caused and, in general, starts acting like a teenager. When he complains that she didn’t do something he needed, I quip back with, “She’s a busy person; she can’t do everything.” When he complains that she was whining about this or that, I say, “We all have bad days and today is hers. Give her a break.” It’s like there’s something ingrained in me that sticks up for her to her kid. And even sometimes to my husband, her ex.
But when I sit alone and think, that’s when I start to see her as a problem. That’s when I start to pick apart the history she’s woven into my life and get really hurt, really angry.
She has all the control, legally, schedule-wise etc.; she knows she has power, and she does abuse it. That is a problem. But I know it is precisely being “a person” – her fears and anxieties – that cause her to act this way.
In your situation, I think I would have offered to help, and I think my offer would have been rebuked. Therein lies the problem.
Looking forward to the next post.
Dear EWO,
I like that you see her as a person when your stepson or ex start to complain about her – because what do they see her as in the moment? A person or a problem?
And if we’re to study Echart Tolle (I posted something I read from one of his books this morning on my other blog, http://serendipitysmiles.com) we learn that there are no problems other than the ones we create.
Knowing that her fears drive her to behave a certain way, helps to see her as a person. It also helps to learn how to deal with her by creating your own mantra. My favorite is, “sounds about right.”
Even if my husband’s ex-wife had rebuked our offer to help, it wouldn’t have changed my offer in any way. Nor would it yours. We don’t and can’t control anyone other than our own selves. In my case, the ex was very appreciative that so many in her family showed up to help. She wasn’t expecting it. (which made me feel more like an ass for orignially not wanting to help to begin with!)
Hi Peggy
I am not deceiving myself any longer.
I know that my girls will always choose for their father because he is the poor deserted one who plays on their sympathy.
I know that after 10 years he still doesn’t allow them to acknowledge me in his presence, they cannot even mention my name.
I know that forgiveness is the only way to go and to accept that this is how it is.
I have not been invited to their big days so far as their dad cannot stand being with me in one room. I survived.
As their mother I will not be invited to their wedding for the same reason. I am not deceiving myself about that.
I am also not deceiving myself about the fact that I have intimate conversations with them, he is an obligation.
Wilma,
My heart breaks for you. How torn your daughters must be. What a loyalty bind he has created. How sad that he has not moved on in a more meaningful way. Sending you lots of love and great big hugs from a few times zones away…
xxoo
Thanks Peggy, I appreciate your love.
it is great to share that we can deal with this in a way that will not make us fall apart or will have this stop us from moving on. I wish it was different and yet as long as it is not, I am not making it harder for all of us by deception and deceiving myself.
It has been so life saving to get this clarity.
So, this is really great material.
Love to you for supporting us to create a different conversation around this.