Resentment is a Relationship Killer
Resentment is one of those pesky, silent, quiet, and emotionally suffocating feelings. Stepmoms often tell me it’s a crushing blow to be resentful of the very person they profess to love “til death do us part.”
What causes resentment?
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Humiliating incidents such as accepting negative treatment without voicing any protest
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Envy / Jealousy
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Feeling used or taken advantage of
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Not being acknowledged
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Emotional rejection, belittling, scorn
Common signs of resentment include
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Passive Aggressive behavior
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Furrowed brows
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Snarky comments
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Faking happiness with the one you love to cover your true feelings
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Making sarcastic comments
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Depression
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Becoming angry for no apparent reason
The effects of resentment are debiliating! Not just to you but to those you profess to love.
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You may develop a hostile, cynical attitude which will stunt any relationship growth and maturity
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Resentment will keep you stuck in a negative cycle that is self-abusive and self-repeating
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Prolonged resentment will stifle any personal growth
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You will become a haggard, bitter woman
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It will eventually doom your relationships, including your marriage
Are you:
- Feeling that stepmom angst?
- Resentful, angry, hurt?
- Are you and your husband/boyfriend fighting?
- Do you seethe silently?
If you are not married and wondering why on earth you hooked up with a man with kids:
2. I am so afraid of being alone and on my own that I can’t leave?
4. Is it that the stepmom issues are triggering underlying personal issues?
5. Am I self-sabatoging myself with my thoughts?
6. Do DH/FDH and I communicate openly and honestly?
7. Do DH/FDH and I resolve conflict in a manner that pulls us together rather than push us apart?
8. Do I communicate openly and honestly with myself?
9. Do I engage in self-sacrificing behavior?
10. Do I make time to cultivate and grow me?
Copy these questions into your journal and take one at a time. Some of these questions may make you feel uncomfortable – don’t worry – being uncomfortable won’t hurt you. Be still long enough to let the feeling pass so that you can dig deeper and get the Cause of your discomfort. Once you reach the Cause, the real cause (not the convenient blame or excuse) you will be able to understand and with understanding comes the ability to create a solution that really works.
Isn’t it time you kicked your resentment to the curb?
Feel free to connect with me if you need support working through this.
toolboxgrl@gmail.com
Special thanks to Wikipedia for helping me out with causes and symptoms of resentment!
Peggy, this is awesome. It is so important to pay attention to the part you are playing when things are not the way you want them to be. It is no good blaming others when there is a great deal that you are causing. What a productive way to get to the core of the issue of resentment. For me the big break through was that I was self sabotaging with my thoughts. Once that changed a lot did change for the better. xox Wilma
Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Wilma’s friends on Doing love to be Lovable
Dear Wilma,
I relate so much to this:
That was my big break through, too…Any of my own stepmom stuff that I’ve written about and came through the other side is because I recognized my own self-defeating, sabotaging thoughts. And becoming aware that these thoughts were not me, but my ego talking! Once I figured that out, I came to know excatly what Eckhart Tolle means when he says, “Awareness and ego are incompatible.”
xo
Peggy
Resentment can eat you up from the inside out. It’s so important to be honest with yourself then to gently share your concerns with your partner. I am convinced honest communication is key.
Communicating will help you figure out if it’s worth it to stay, or if it’s time to jump ship, swim to shore and save yourself.
Joan Sarin offers a couple classes at http://tinyurl.com/2f5b4sy that might help someone struggling with communciation problems.
Talking about it sounds so simply, but it’s definitely NOT easy.
Resentment can undermine an otherwise healthy relationship. Communication and self awareness is key. Thank-you for providing some excellent tools to increase awareness and boost communication.
Mark´s last blog ..Mr Fix-it to Mr Vulnerability
Hi Glad – Based on Ron L. Deal’s research, communication and conflict resolution are the two critical factors that sets successful couples apart from unsuccessful ones. Talking about things with my first husband was like walking in a mine field…with Richard, it’s more like a bed of roses…he and I practice communicating. We’ve both made mistakes (the thorns) but we’ve learned how to resolve issues that pull us together (the roses) rather than push us apart. Joan offers great classes – thanks for posting the link!
Thank you Mark – and thanks for stopping by!