Relinquishing Hostility Revisited
First published on this blog March 2009 and after Monday’s Radio Show with Cori Lynn Bailey and Jacquelyn Fletcher, I felt a re-posting of this was in order!
As a student and certified teacher of Yoga, self-study is paramount in my practice. In the course of my certification, I had to reflect and write about Ahimsa, “non-harming.” Ahimsa is the first Yama in Patanjali’s Yoga Surtras. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote, but as I sit here with my issue of Yoga Journal, I get another chance to reflect on Ahimsa, and how this practice of “non-harming” can help stepmoms everywhere.
Ahimsa
In yoga philosophy, ahimsa is “the opportunity to relinquish hostility and irritability, and instead make space within your consciousness for peace.” (Yoga Journal, February 2009, page 79)
Many step moms view their husband’s ex-wife as their enemy or adversary. Someone who must be fought against, thought ill of, or is seen as the villian and a constant intruder. Let’s face it, if your husband had kids with his ex-wife, she most likely has access to him in no way another woman ever should…but she does.
As a step mom myself, I had many negative thoughts about my husband’s ex-wife. And due to my husband’s good nature, any time she asked him for something, I felt territorial and protective of him because I thought his ex-wife was manipulating him. I was angry with his ex-wife because I thought she stepped out of being a mom to her youngest son, who lives with me and my husband (my husband has 100% physical custody of his son). After a series of stressful events with my stepson, I was oozing hostility. And not just towards my husband’s ex-wife, but at my husband and my stepson. I was angry with all of them.
Anger is One Letter Short of Danger
My hostile and angry thoughts weren’t harming them…they were harming me. Ahimsa is not just about practicing non-violence to others but it is also about not harming ourselves. My own angry, negative thoughts were harming no one but my Self.
After reading Cathryn Bond-Doyle’s article, “Hostility is Not FINE!” I realized just how hostile I was being and how that hostility was affecting my relationship with my husband, his ex-wife, and my step son. I pressed my internal Pause button, stepped back from my negative thoughts and just observed them. For every negative thought I was harboring I asked myself, “Is that true?” What I found was that I attached myself to the negativity…I believed in each hostile thought I had towards my husband’s ex-wife and quite frankly, not one of the thoughts were true.
Kick Hostility and Anger to the Curb
Just like forgiveness has very little to do with who is being forgiven, letting go of your negative thoughts has very little benefit towards the person you harbor hostility towards. It does, however, benefit you a great deal. According to Sharon Gannon, the co-creator of Jivamukti Yoga, “when you start to understand how karma works, you realize that how you treat (or how you think about) others determines how much suffering you experience.” (Yoga Journal, February 2009, page 80)
My own personal experience with this was nothing short of creating my own small miracle. I challenged each negative thought, I asked myself “is that true?” and watched each negative thought I had towards my husband, his ex-wife, and my step son evaporate. I felt as if the weight of a thousand moons lifted off my shoulders. Peace invaded the space that once housed my hostility. I felt lighter, happier, calmer, and more in tune with the hum of the Universe.
If you are reading this…I challenge you to hold up each negative thought you have about your husband, his ex-wife, and your step children. Of each thought, ask yourself, “is this true?” or “is this useful?” I challenge you to let go of your negative thoughts and create an ever-lasting inner peace.
Namaste
Peggy
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Oh Peggy, how beautiful and so true. Hostility too has made me live in my own created war zone. How stressful is living in a war zone? Very!!!!
Oh my, I started to live on attack alert all the time and it was my own doing. It was hard though to confess that, oh that was so hard as I honestly didn’t want to take all that responsibility onto myself. I wasn’t totally to blame, was I? Surely they were at fault too and the but but but went on endlessly until I felt I had to do something, it had to stop regardless of the other players.
These kind of explanations has helped me so much, I got to see there was something I could do to stop the war and who doesn’t want to stop war???? That made me step beyond the ego and go for a solution, even if the ego didn’t like that at all.
No more war, peace, yes that is possible thanks to all the efforts of people like you who share their experience and learnings. Thank you for being a stand for peace, xox Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Do you pay attention? =-.
Hi Wilma,
Hostility is a war zone! I love how you described that! You know, when Richard deploys, he actually gets extra pay for being in a “Hostile Zone” – when we create our own hostility, we don’t get extra pay, we’re not heros; there is no glory but there is a lot of emotional blood spilled when we ooze hostility. Who wants that under their roof? Certainly not me. It’s not a way to live an emotionally healthy life.
Love
Peggy
Thank you Peggy!! This came at a time when I needed it, as we are again under attack from a hostile, angry, and mentally/emotionally unstable bm. I’ve been really struggling with my frustrations, my fears for the kids and wishing I could protect them from her (and knowing at the same time that I can’t control anything and need to let go and just accept that this is our/their life and it’s likely never going to change)… and your posts (in my email inbox) are like a light breeze that helps me take a deep breath. Thank you thank you thank you – for sharing your experiences AND your wisdom. You are truly a blessing in the step-mom community.
You’ve touched on such an important point here, that letting go of negative thoughts isn’t about benefiting the other person. I was recently furious with my husband, I felt he’d misled me and he wouldn’t come clean. It felt like a huge weight, as you’ve described. Then I came to the realisation that I needed to let go of my negative thoughts, for myself rather than for him. And when I examined my belief, I had over-reacted. I still don’t think he was completely honest with me, but then that is somewhat of a matter of perception, and really the issue just wasn’t worth the amount of energy I used up. Thanks for sharing this important idea.
.-= Claire – Gratitude Connection´s last blog ..Today I’m grateful for… =-.
Dear Liz – you are welcome, welcome, welcome! There is very little you can do about an angry, hostile ex-wife, but realize that hurt people hurt people. My best advice is to not take what she is doing personally because it really isn’t about you – it’s her projection of her reality.
Many blessings to you! Peggy
Dear Claire – the thoughts you have are yours and yours alone. When we can release the negative thoughts that we attach ourselves to, we can release many of the false beliefs that we carry with us. And when we let go of those, we can make healthy, loving agreements that lead us towards love and away from fear. Xo Peggy