Part IV: The Stepmom's Self-Deception
The Self-Betrayal Decision Tree
An act contrary to what you feel you should for another is called Self-Betrayal. ~ The Arbinger Institute
Using the example I described in Part III of The Stepmom’s Self-Deception, I’m going to share with you the Arbinger Institute’s self-betrayal decision tree.
When I received the email from The Ex-Wife’s step brother, my intial feeling was to help her with the move.
Feeling: Help The Ex-Wife move.
Once I experienced this feeling I had a choice to make. I could HONOR the feeling OR I could BETRAY the feeling. My ego got in the way of my heart…I betrayed my initial feeling and in that self-betrayal, I began to see myself as:
- A Super Stepmom
- A Better Wife
- More Caring
- More Important
- More Helpful
And I began to see The Ex-Wife as:
- A Lousy Mom
- Inconsiderate
- Incapable
- Insensitive
As I write this I feel awful! Can I swallow the entire bottle of medicine because this is like ripping out my inner soul…only I’m really exposing my Ego for the inner Liar she really is.
Pay attention because this is interesting – at the very moment I betrayed myself, I “began to see the situation in a way that JUSTIFIED my self-betrayal.”
Huh?
In other words, I was thinking of all the reasons to not help her move so that I could “justify what I was FAILING to do.”
Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn!
How can I possibly profess to be passionate about helping others help themselves when I’m failing to do just that? I used my perceived faults of The Ex-Wife to cater to my inner two-year old’s naughtiness.
Are you ready for the kicker? According to Arbinger, “when I see a self-justifying world, my view of reality becomes distorted.” And if my reality is distorted, that means I’m at war with what IS. Inner turmoil? Obsessive thinking? Blaming? Finding fault? You betcha! My internal drama played out to an audience of no one, but there I was…a miserable bitch and the irony of this particular scenario:
The Ex-Wife never asked me or my husband for help…it was her step-brother who appealed to the good graces of her family and friends.
Two Years Later, I’m Having a Serious Dope Slap Moment because I’m living in my own distorted reality. A reality that requires me to inflate my Ego and devalue The Ex-Wife just so I can feel better about my failure to do what I know I should do. As I expose the layers of my own distorted reality, I want to be very clear on something: Uncovering your self-betrayal is not becoming a door mat and just sucking it up. It’s about accepting what is and being accountable for your part in the mom/stepmom drama. Actually, it’s a little more than that…it’s about being accountable for every aspect of your life because
Self-Deception Affects Every Aspect of Your Life.
If you’ve ever heard Jack Canfield’s (Chicken Soup for the Soul guru) story about his mentor Clement Stone, then you know that Clement asked Jack if he was ready to be 100% accountable for his life. When Jack said “yes,” Clement told him “no more blaming, no more complaining, no more excuses.”
Are you ready to own your relationship with your husband’s ex-wife? If you are, there can be no more blaming, complaing,or excuses. What the ex-wife says, thinks or does is irrelevant because
- it’s not your business and
- you don’t own her relationship with you.
Billions and Billions of Questions!
What do you blame the ex-wife for?
What are your biggest complaints about the ex-wife?
What excuses do you use to justify your misbehavior in thoughts, words, and actions?
What steps can you take today to move past the Blame Game?
Next week, I will introduce Arbinger’s concept of Collusion and how this plays out in our Self-Deception. Until Monday, kick back with a Blue Moon or a Martini and enjoy your weekend!
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I G E T I T!!!!
What do you blame the ex-wife for?
I cant blame her – to be an ‘ex’ she had a relationship that failed with my hubby. I had not part in there marriage. I did not give birth to my stepdaughter, her relationship with her daughter is none of my business.
What are your biggest complaints about the ex-wife?
I have read this morning all the posts on a forum I have been on for over a year now and surprised myself as to how nasty I was toward by husbands ex.
I would say my biggest complaint would be me!
What excuses do you use to justify your misbehavior in thoughts, words, and actions?
This has stumped me, more so emotionally. We have had behavioural ‘problems’ with my stepdaughter and she does exactly that, uses excuse after excuse to justify her misbehaviour.
What now concerns me is what example have I set her!!!
What steps can you take today to move past the Blame Game?
I actually think in recent weeks I have stopped ‘Blaming’. What good does it do? It is not productive. I have seen hubby’s ex as a person in a bad situation. I actually feel sorry for her. I wanted to reach out to her on a call at the beginning of the week, but my husband said he did not know how she would react, so best not.
There is hope for me yet!
Ann,
I LOVE it when I see the light bulb go off in another step mom’s head! It makes exposing my naked self worth it!
Hooray for you!!
xxxooo
Have you ever considered becoming a motivational speaker?
You would be amazing!
Thanks Ann…that is part of my plan
Thank you Glenda…for all of your SMOM wisdom! I think the light just went off in MY head.
For the longest time, (10 years) I have been the problem. And there is only one person that can change my situation…ME.
Thank you Jeanne for stopping by! I am so glad you having a light bulb moment! And I get to celebrate that with you!
xxxxooo
Peggy
Still just so excited to see this stuff illuminated so clearly… and nakedly. Thanks for being brave!
Thanks! I thought the solution to the problems I am dealing with, was to cut off contact with my husband’s ex and the one step-daughter that is treating me like crap (which I don’t deserve). Disengaging. But I think that might fuel the fire to whole new set of problems. I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do.
Jeanne,
There is a way to disengage without causing problems. It does require communication and a plan…but more than anything, it’s not the same as detaching and not taking part in the family dynamic. Wednesday Martin clearly illustrates disengaging in her book, Stepmonster, and I did include that part in my review. Check it out and see if it helps!
xxxooo
Thanks Jen! It was great talking to you yesterday!
Tool Box Girl,
I have read StepMonster (as well as No one’s the Bitch. I think I will go back and re-read the part on disengaging.
I think you nailed something here when you wrote “It is our distorted reality through self-betrayal and self-deception that compels each of us to find our differences.” (That is going in my quote book!!) This is the root of all/most problems between people! The questions at the end are all we can do if we want to live a life of peace, despite these differences. All we can do is check our ego and open our hearts. Thanks for this. It’s a post I needed to read today!
You are so welcome Jodi! As I wrote this I realized that when we actively look to differentiate, we’re looking to separate…and it’s that seperation that causes the conflict.
Sometimes I hate it when I make myself think!