Part IV: The Stepmom’s Self-Deception
Author’s Note: The Stepmom’s Self-Deceptions is a series of articles I am re-running from the summer
The Self-Betrayal Decision Tree
An act contrary to what you feel you should for another is called Self-Betrayal. ~ The Arbinger Institute
Using the example I described in Part III of The Stepmom’s Self-Deception, I’m going to share with you the Arbinger Institute’s self-betrayal decision tree.
When I received the email from The Ex-Wife’s step brother, my intial feeling was to help her with the move.
Feeling: Help The Ex-Wife move.
Once I experienced this feeling I had a choice to make. I could HONOR the feeling OR I could BETRAY the feeling. My ego got in the way of my heart…I betrayed my initial feeling and in that self-betrayal, I began to see myself as:
- A Super Stepmom
- A Better Wife
- More Caring
- More Important
- More Helpful
And I began to see The Ex-Wife as:
- A Lousy Mom
- Inconsiderate
- Incapable
- Insensitive
As I write this I feel awful! Can I swallow the entire bottle of medicine because this is like ripping out my inner soul…only I’m really exposing my Ego for the inner Liar she really is.
Pay attention because this is interesting – at the very moment I betrayed myself, I “began to see the situation in a way that JUSTIFIED my self-betrayal.”
Huh?
In other words, I was thinking of all the reasons to not help her move so that I could “justify what I was FAILING to do.”
Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn!
How can I possibly profess to be passionate about helping others help themselves when I’m failing to do just that? I used my perceived faults of The Ex-Wife to cater to my inner two-year old’s naughtiness.
Are you ready for the kicker? According to Arbinger, “when I see a self-justifying world, my view of reality becomes distorted.” And if my reality is distorted, that means I’m at war with what IS. Inner turmoil? Obsessive thinking? Blaming? Finding fault? You betcha! My internal drama played out to an audience of no one, but there I was…a miserable bitch and the irony of this particular scenario:
The Ex-Wife never asked me or my husband for help…it was her step-brother who appealed to the good graces of her family and friends.
Two Years Later, I’m Having a Serious Dope Slap Moment because I’m living in my own distorted reality. A reality that requires me to inflate my Ego and devalue The Ex-Wife just so I can feel better about my failure to do what I know I should do. As I expose the layers of my own distorted reality, I want to be very clear on something: Uncovering your self-betrayal is not becoming a door mat and just sucking it up. It’s about accepting what is and being accountable for your part in the mom/stepmom drama. Actually, it’s a little more than that…it’s about being accountable for every aspect of your life because
Self-Deception Affects Every Aspect of Your Life.
If you’ve ever heard Jack Canfield’s (Chicken Soup for the Soul guru) story about his mentorClement Stone, then you know that Clement asked Jack if he was ready to be 100% accountable for his life. When Jack said “yes,” Clement told him “no more blaming, no more complaining, no more excuses.”
Are you ready to own your relationship with your husband’s ex-wife? If you are, there can be no more blaming, complaing,or excuses. What the ex-wife says, thinks or does is irrelevant because
- it’s not your business and
- you don’t own her relationship with you.
Billions and Billions of Questions!
What do you blame the ex-wife for?
What are your biggest complaints about the ex-wife?
What excuses do you use to justify your misbehavior in thoughts, words, and actions?
What steps can you take today to move past the Blame Game?
Next week, I will introduce Arbinger’s concept of Collusion and how this plays out in our Self-Deception. Until Friday, kick back with a Blue Moon or a Martini and enjoy today!
Another article you may find interesting is Jennifer Newcomb Marine’s article on Boundaries and Ugly Truths.
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Great post.
Like many of us, I struggle to teeter the line between respect for and anger at my stepchildren’s Mum.
Using the strategies you suggest, I’ll keep trying to put one foot in front of the other on the best side of it.
Thanks, Peggy.
Excellent post! I’m a big advocate of paying attention to our Egos and noticing when they are running the show. Even just being able to ask yourself, “Is this real or is this the Ego acting up?” is enough to transmute the situation. It takes a lifetime of practice to step outside of ourselves and observe our thought patterns without judgement so that we can actually do something about them. – G
You couldn’t have posted this at a better time. I’m currently dealing with the irrational Ex. Actually, I’m trying my best to ignore the craziness and keep my mouth shut. But I struggle with her thoughts/actions “not being my business” because I’m the one taking care of her kids 24/7. Thus it seems like her neglect MAKES it my business. I’m sure I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do…
Ouch! This post ripped at me and forced me to face my inner demon(s). *hangs head shamefully*
Damn your good! (sorry for the language) This kind of hurt and is forcing me to own my part of the drama our family experiences.
I’ve struggled for so long and always end up feeling awful because I am not being “me”, but reacting to situations and being judgemental.
Okay, I am printing your post and reading it over and over to remind myself to always be the best version of myself.
A million thank you’s…
Hi Sharon,
I got caught in the same trap. I’m a CP stepmom and when I was going through the worst of the worst with my stepson, I struggled with her thoughts and actions or what I perceived to be her thoughts and actions because there I was, eye ball deep in the trenches with her son and where was she?
I am living proof that my what my ex-wife-in-law does or does not do is not my business. In fact, when I made it my business I was so far from the truth and reality of her life, that once I found out I felt like the biggest loser, with a Capital L on my forehead.
In reality, her thoughts and actions are her business. Not yours or mine. We have our own business and when we mind our business and not *her* business, we’re much better off – emotionally, mentally, intellectually, spiritually, and physcially.
xo
Hi Julie,
As long as you are facing your inner demons, there is no need to hang your head shamefully. No need at all. Own what’s yours, make amends where you can, and learn from this.
xo
Why thank you Ohio! You made my day
A million welcome’s back at ya!
xxoo
Hi G!
It does take a lifetime of practice to step outside ourselves, but with practice, it does get easier. I know in my own life, I can diffuse situations a lot quicker…even when I do goof up and allow my uber Ego to take the lead…it happens…we’re human…but the turmoil that used to last for days, weeks or months, now lasts a few hours at worst.
Hi Stepmum!
How do you walk 600 miles? One mile at a time.
Or … how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Inch by Inch…it’s a cinch.
xo
The hardest bit for me was to stop myself from soliciting sympathy for me and my situation.
Oh I could have had a lot of people on my side and I could have made Mother Theresa look small in comparison with what I was doing.
And deep down I knew that was a dirty game and luckily I never did play it fully although I was very, very close and to be honest I did do it a few times and yet it never felt good.
But it is a trap and very hard to get out of, as it is so invisible.
That is why this is good, Peggy, it clearly supports us to see what is going on, without letting our heads hang in shame. Love Wilma
I definitely try to elevate myself. Pointing out all the things *she* doesn’t do with the kids, that we do.
In the end, you’re right, it’s not my business.
I have a Christmas present for her this year. I know I don’t have to and she may not appreciate it, but it’s something I feel led to do. So I will. Not to make myself feel better, but because she is the mother of two precious girls, that I adore.