Part II – The Stepmom's Self-Deception
Stuck in the Muck
Nearly a year ago, I realized that in my remarried equation and my life as a stepmom, I’m the only variable. That’s the nice way of telling myself, “Peggy, you’re the problem.”
Kristi, our Bonus Mom for June realized the same thing when she stated, “I am the creator of my own drama.”
And a close sister stepmom friend has also came to the conclusion about how powerful her self-deception has been.
It’s so tough to come to grips that yes, you are the problem. And because this is so hard to accept, we justify our thoughts, actions and behaviors, we get other people to buy into our story, and then we blame the other person for our problem.
…another spoonful of medicine…
As a sisterhood of stepmoms, we’re all in cahoots with each other! If you don’t believe me, go back and read one of your posts in the forum you most frequent for stepmom support. Go ahead…I’ll wait.
How many of you feel stuck or have felt stuck as a stepmom?
I think I just saw 13 million hands go up…me, too. Even now, there are days I feel deeply stuck…like I’m up to my eyeballs in stepmom crap.
Ladies, gather round. Depending on your time zone, pour yourself a cup of coffee or a martini and listen carefully. I’m going to tell you a secret that the Arbinger Institute told me. You are stuck in your remarried life and in your role as a stepmom because,
You have a problem that you don’t think you have. A problem you can’t see. You can see matters only from your own closed perspective and you are deeply resistant to ANY suggestion that the truth is otherwise. So, you are [stuck in the muck]…cut off, closed up, and blind.”
Let me give you an example – a simple scenario that raises the hackles of nearly every stepmom I know, including myself:
The Schedule
Do any of these statements sound familiar?
“She never lets my husband see his kids.”
“She’s always late for drop-off”
“She’s never on time”
“She’s always changing the damn schedule. I have a life, too”
“My husband never objects to last minute schedule changes. He has no balls when it comes to his ex-wife and what she wants.”
“I never know when his kids are coming over. I hate not having a reliable schedule. I hate the constant intrusion. I hate having to always be the flexible one. I hate his ex-wife, I don’t like his kids, and I’m beginning to resent the man I love.”
If you see yourself in one, two, or even all of these scenarios, let me ask you a few questions.
How do you see yourself in the scheduling drama?
Who do you blame?
–the kids?
–your husband?
–the dreaded ex-wife?
As the schedule drama plays out ad nauseum in your life, do you feel justified in how you feel about the other players in your scheduling sandbox?
Tomorrow I am going to share with you examples of self-betrayal and how self-betrayal plays into the self-deception that keeps us stuck in the muck.
If you haven’t checked out the Arbinger Institute, I encourage you to do so. And if you don’t have a copy of Leadership and Self-Deception
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You know that feeling of almost realisation before the pennying drops, well I feel it.
I always said throughout my life, ‘If you have a problem with me then its your problem not mine’.
You have certainly made me rethink that. I wonder is that why all the things I have wanted in my life I have not achieved because I have deceived myself. Anyway I digress.
My Passion Test consultation in London will be booked next month instead. I gotta get this book!
I look for to your next installment.
Ann,
The biggest reason why we don’t reach our dreams is because of what goes on between our two ears. Self-Deception is a key player in why so many of us stay stuck in mediocrity.
Did ya see my hand go up? …’Cause it did. A lot of my problems wouldn’t exist if I didn’t create them. A lot of them still would, because I’m not the one peeing my pants and hiding the soiled underwear in the closet, while my mom tells me it’s okay and my stepmom tells me it’s not. But then again, why does that problem affect me so dang much? Gah!
Luckily for us, scheduling isn’t ever a problem. I’m so very thankful for that, because I know it could be much, much worse.
great article! Looking forward to reading more. I used to play the blame game nonstop. Still do from time to time, but nothing like it used to be. I see me, full of human flaws and as capable as anyone else of making huge mistakes. I make them! I have made them and will continue to unfortantly. But you know, mistakes teach us if we can look fully at them and see OUR mistakes, no blindfold.
Hi Amy,
The scheduling snafu is the easiest example to use because so many stepmoms can relate! In my house we operate by the “whenever/whatever” schedule and my step son is 17. I finally came to grips with it when I decided that he’s with us 24/7 unless otherwise noted…made my life so much easier when I ended the drama inside my head!
Yes – it is difficult when mom says one thing and step mom says another! I can’t imagine being the kid caught in the middle of that…but different houses, different rules. Kids learn
What I love so much about the Arbinger Institute’s philosophy in this book is that Self-Deception is about learning awareness of your thought process – to be able to catch yourself in the moment of self-betrayal and step back.
Making NEW mistakes is always a grand thing…it’s the constant repitition of the same mistakes that trips us up!
kind of like the fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Except it is yourself you are fooling if you repeat mistakes the same over and over. Did that make any sense at all….did in my head
I’m looking forward to reading more. I started to see several months ago that I am the creator of the drama I “feel” is going on around me too. Apparently I’m the only one in my blended family who is constantly feeling like there are problems with the bio mom or step kids… my husband says I create the issues. And I came to the conclusion several months ago that he’s right. I just don’t know how to fix it or think differently or let things go instead of chewing on them for weeks on end.
Peggy, I have for the first time in my life answered that question with the first response rather than the second. I have been married to my husband, and thus connected to his daughter and her mom, for over five years now. Up until just recently I have always considered her to be a problem, not a person…
The fact that I had a problem with her DID NOT mean that she was a problem! It meant that I had given myself permission to blame her for the reality of life in a blended family. She did not force me to say “I do” to the father of her child. She did not force me to take care of said child in her absence. I took on those roles out of my own free will. Luckily for me she has ALWAYS supported my involvement with her daughter and encouraged her child and I to have the best relationship possible. My hats off to her today for bearing with me as I’ve worked through all this over the years.
In the past six months, bio-mom and I have developed a friendship that I believe has surprised both of us. We are both proud of ourselves for this accomplishment because it means a unified family unit for both my child and hers. Like it or not we (DH, BM, and I) are a family. We are all connected with a common goal. That goal is to raise our children with kindness, respect, and integrity. The minute I stopped looking at bio-mom as a problem and started looking at her as a person I was able to let go of all the resentment and embrace her as a friend, a co-parent, and most of all, as a part of my family.
Thank you again for this series of articles on Self-Deception. Bravo!
CST,
You are not alone! Last year I also realized that I’m the creator of my own drama because in my re-married life I was and still am, the only variable!
There are so many tools and resources that can help you reframe and think differently because what we think about, we bring about.
Check out my resource page and the links! My first recommendation is Byron Katie’s book, “Loving What Is.”
xxoo
This makes me so hopeful, reading these posts! I’m the mom in the equation and Carol is the stepmom. We used to not be able to stand each other. Not *hate* each other, but just… felt like our innards were full of crushed glass around each other. In actuality, we barely knew each other.
What prompted me to start seeing her differently, instead of just “the problem,” was my children. I could tell they liked her (and sometimes didn’t, which used to make me secretly happy) and since I trusted their judgment, I knew there had to be more to Carol than I was assuming.
We started reaching out to each other and man, was it ever scary and nerve-wracking. But the fact that we were both trying made us stop blaming the other, as if they were the main reason for all our problems as a single mom or stepmom. When we stopped blaming each other, we were suddenly freer to do whatever the hell we wanted, which included becoming friends, gossip machine and long history of blame, be damned!
I too am hugely proud of our little extended family, but most of all, it eases some of the pain in my heart that I *still* feel over getting a divorce and putting my kids through the ringer. When we’re all together now, for dinner or whatever, it seems complete. Weird, but true!
Thanks for what you’re writing, Peggy. You’re making a huge contribution, helping moms and stepmoms better understand each other.
Teresa,
Your insight is invaluable and I hope all the stepmoms reading this will take away from this important discussion is that the bio-mom is a person just like we are.
With thoughts, feelings, and desire. We’re more similar than we are different!
xxoo
Teresa,
Would you be willing to be interviewed for our site, NoOnesTheBitch.com? A lot of stepmoms would love to hear someone talk about how they did this, in their own words!
I can be reached at marine2marine (at sign) gmail (dot) com.
Jennifer – I just ran after her to make sure she sees this…also, I’m having lunch with her tomorrow so in the event she’s off the computer, I’ll be high 5ing her over a margarita tomorrow at noon!
The offer’s open to anyone else as well – always looking for brains to pick and stories to share (we use a dull pick, don’t worry!).
Seriously, what better way to inspire someone else who’s struggling than seeing another do this in real life!
And thanks, Peggy!
Love this! Felt like my roller coaster ride of emotions. I recently admited, bm is my friend, to me that is huge because my friends mean to me as family does. And the reality is, she is family as well. SS just told me the other day that he felt his mom was part of “our family” meaning dh and I…..long road but it is worth traveling! I too had to stop thinking she was the problem, see her as a person with motives and reasons valid to her for her behavior. A past also that was important to understanding her.
The biggest thing…..realizing I made HUGE contributions to the problems! I never did anything blantant or direct but I was sure to be there in her face always. It was awful! I don’t regret it though, it made me learn about myself more than ever before. It taught me to forgive her, myself, dh. It showed me none of us were blameless.
Angie