Part I: Self-Deception and Your Role As Stepmom
Author’s note: I am re-running my series of articles on Self-Deception and Self-Betrayal. My hope is that you will look at your life and pick one or two things you’d like to focus on making better for 2010!
Please note: If you are dealing with an ex-wife or a step child who is unreasonable and irresponsible these articles most likely will not apply.
The Stepmom’s Self-Deception
As promised, it’s time for a little self-exploration into the murky waters of Self-Deception and Self-Betrayal. As I write how these two concepts play into your role as a stepmom, I want to thank the Arbinger Institute for publishing Leadership and Self-Deception
Self-Deception. We all do it. We just don’t know it. Or we do know it and we chose to do it. According to the authors of the book, “Self-Deception actually determines one’s experience in every aspect of life.”
Every. Aspect. Of. Life.
This includes your remarried life and your stepmom life. Pretty deep. But what is Self-Deception and why is it so pervasive in your life?
The problems in your remarried life and your stepmom life aren’t someone else’s problems. They’re not your husband’s problems. They’re not your husband’s kids’ problems. And they’re most certainly not your husband’s ex-wife’s problems. The problems you have in every aspect of your life are yours.
I think I just heard a collective “What. On. Earth. Is. She. Talking. About?” Keep reading…because trust me…I thought THE SAME THING.
According to the Arbinger Institute, “it’s precisely that you (or I) can’t see how you are the problem.”
You mean to tell me I’m the problem?
Yes. That’s exactly it. You are the problem. I am the problem.
And having this problem, no solution we may come up with will ever truly work.
Why?
“Self-Deception blinds us to the true cause of the problems, and once blind, all of the solutions we can think of will actually make matters worse.”
That’s a tough pill to swallow…but swallow you must. I’ve been swallowing this pill for a few days now…I think I choked on it once or twice (ok, more than twice) myself.
As stepmoms we want to make things better, not worse. But most of the time we make things much worse.
With the help of the Arbinger Institute and their book, Leadership and Self-Deception
Tomorrow, I will take you through my journey of self-deception in my remarried and stepmom life.
Christmas gifts for your stocking, I strongly recommend both books written by the brilliant minds at the Arbinger Institute!
Related Posts
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Forging a Bond Thicker Than Blood
Posted on May 20, 2012
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Are You Practicing “StepFamily” Every Day?
Posted on May 15, 2012
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The Trouble With Should
Posted on Apr 23, 2012
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What Happens When Your Stepchild Unexpectedly Comes To Live With You?
Posted on Apr 16, 2012
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This is something I’ve been dwelling on for a while now – how I make things so much worse for myself. Really looking forward to these articles!
I posted about this post on my blog. I am 150% guilty of doing this and I am tired, I want and need to change. I am hoping this book helps me start in the right direction.
Thanks!
One of the ideas from the Arbinger books that I think is key for stepmoms is the necessity of speaking the truth with love. I think it’s easy on initial reading to interpret the books in a way that leads to more doormattish behavior, and I think that’s something stepmoms need to guard against. For some of us, the scariest, but also most authentic and right thing would could do might be to speak up more — to tell mom or dad or a stepchild a difficult truth directly.
Hi Jill,
I agree – doormattish behavior is not what Arbinger advocates and neither do I. For many women, regardless of the roles they play in life, it’s about living authentically, and getting past the disease to please. Later on, in article 8 or 9, I write that doing the right thing may mean speaking up even when the helpful thing to do seems or is perceived as hurtful to the other person. My husband calls it “not catering to someone else’s disfunctionality”
Hi Life!
Wow – your post knocked my socks off – I left a long comment on your blog earlier.
Hugs to you and Bravo for recognizing that the first change begins with you.
xo
Peggy
Hi EWO!
We can and often do make things worse for ourselves through self-deceiving and justification. But…there’s a way out! I’ll be posting an article each day!
Thanks for stopping by today!
xo
Peggy
Hey Peggy, ouch, ouch, ouch and yet it is the only powerful way to create a life you want. Only you can do it, nobody else.
Yes, the pull between being authentic and making a great life happen and the feeling that you do not want to be blamed for being the one who is rocking the boat.
Keeping to what you know best in the face of no agreement is tough and that is when self deception seems an easier way out, ouch again.
However becoming aware of what is going on is an important first step and this all supports awareness, so rock on with your articles.
Love Wilma
A Life Coach is sometimes very necessary so that we do not loose our way in our lives.`.-
My aunt has told me repeatedly “It’s never the ‘other guy’, even when it is.” She used that in the context of her marriage….but I think it fits here too!
Even though I’m not a SM, I AM a woman who has had to deal with the trauma of divorce and the subsequent garbage that came along with it. The KEY to my personal freedom has been to take responsibility for EVERY action I make, and to not allow myself to be caught up in the idea that “but he/she did that to meeeee! I had no choice!” Sometimes it’s only apparent in hindsight that I was caught up in the game, and I have to go back and own that too.
Ultimately we will only be responsible for ourselves. We can’t answer for our kids or our exes, not for our parents or our friends or spouses…I am responsible for ME, in every aspect.
Thanks for sharing this stuff, Peggy!
Hi Dina,
Self-deception and self-betrayal affect everyone, I just simply took the concepts from Arbinger and put a stepmom spin on it. Personal responsibility is the key to personal freedom. I truly believe that. When we blame others or justify our own erroneous behavior because “someone else made me do it” we remain locked in emotional chains. I love seeing when people take ownership of their own lives. Interestingly enough, the drama stops when they do!! Thanks so much for commenting on this article!