Parenting Junior

May 29, 2009 by Peggy Nolan

Teenagers are tough. Teenage boys are even tougher. My mom raised 4 boys, three of them not her own.  How did she do it?

Last night Richard and I had a brief pow-wow about 17 year old Junior. Since we’ve tried just about everything in the known Universe to correct Junior’s not so super stellar behavior, Richard suggested a huge dose of reverse pyschology because

• Taking things away does not work.
• Grounding does not work.
• Being in his business does not work.
• Rewards do not work.
• Nearly two years of counseling did not work.

I’ve read Kevin Leman, John Rosemond, books on ADHD, teenagers, behavior issues, nearly every stepmom book published to date, and I’m the Queen of self-help and personal development. I raised two kids myself…but Junior’s a tough nut to crack.

Even Junior’s counselor couldn’t crack Junior’s code.

Junior’s head is wrapped inside a web of negative self-talk covered in a blanket of subtle self-deception. As his Bonus Mom, this is tough to witness. Because Junior is the only child left at home, he has our undivided attention…attention he does not have to compete for because there are no other kids at home.

And still…Junior is Junior…

After gnawing on this, Richard suggested that we act as if Junior is an adult. He has all the rights and privileges of a citizen of House of Nolan. As adults, we learn to prioritize a time for work and a time for play. Richard and I both work full time and we keep the home running as smoothly as possible. After we’ve taken care of business, we play.

Vacations are mandatory. Date night is a requirement. Time with friends is a pleasure.

Junior doesn’t prioritize. His business is school and at home he’s got basic responsibilities. Most of the time, Richard and I are busy following up with Junior, “Did you do your homework?  Did you turn your homework in? Did you clean your room? Did you empty the diswasher?”

It’s not like we’re asking him for a detailed plan on world peace. We just want him to take care of his stuff. And he can’t. Won’t. Doesn’t. How much does Junior’s ADHD play into this? Not much…but it’s his excuse. Can’t Focus. Too Tired. Don’t Feel Like It.

Sometimes, I feel like he’s flipping us the bird…which accounts for my not so jolly June Cleaver attitude with him when I come home from work.

Richard and I agreed that I will act as happy to see Junior as I am Ed the Wonder Dog when I walk through the front door. Junior has ALL his privileges back and we’re even going to move the big TV into his room. It was the TV suggestion that made me realize that Richard is going in the opposite direction of everything we’ve tried…Reverse Pyschology…or parenting with the Long Rope strategy. “Richard,” I said, “this is almost evil.”

Well…nothing else is working.

Richard made it clear to Junior that Dishonesty and Disrespect will not be tolerated.  But now that he’s an adult, he can manage his own time, his own responsbilities as he sees fit. 

The control freak inside me is freaking out.

And while my control freak is quietly freaking out, I will gently remind her that

• I did not make him
• I did not break him
• I can not fix him
• I can not change him

And as much as I’d like to,

• I can not do Junior’s Mental Push-ups.

My only job is to love Junior. And that I can do.