Parenting 101: Manipulation
This article is for every parent who’s riding the guilt train… STOP IT! Your children are not benefiting from this…
Children are master manipulators. Their only goal in life is to try to get their parents to give them what they want. Every day is a new opportunity for them to hone their skills. They scope out their wish list, develop their argument, take stock of their parent’s weak spots and breaking points, and go strait for the juggler whenever possible.
Ami and Maleigha ~ My two master manipulators! They may look cute and innocent… but don’t let them fool you!
The latest and greatest battle in our house? A phone. Ami’s is on the brink and she’s fighting for all she’s worth to get a new, top of the line, give me all the features, clean out the bank account piece of technology that will more than likely be broken within a month due to teenage carelessness.
It is amazing to me the lengths this child will go to in her efforts to win the coveted prize… a $600 Droid.
She knows beyond a doubt she won’t get it from her dad or me. We can’t afford it, nor do we believe it’s necessary. So, she went on the warpath with her mom… who I hoped would stay strong and not give in. Replacing the one she has with the free, insurance covered option is good enough when you’re 15. After all, if you’re not paying for it yourself, you have no room to complain.
Does Ami realize and understand what she’s doing when she argues for what she wants? Absolutely! She told me herself she’s proud of her ability to guilt her mom into getting her whatever she wants. The phone was no exception. Ami pulled out every trick in the book! She now has her mother jumping through hoops to provide her with a phone she can’t afford to buy. The plan for obtaining such a treasure consists of buying an affordable phone from the options on her phone plan, selling it for a profit on Craigslist, taking additional money out of her (the mom’s) bank account, asking for $20 from Ami, and having grandparents agree to provide the rest of the financial commitment as an early birthday gift. Can you believe one child has this much power? Crazy, isn’t it?
Guess what. She’s not alone! This happens often for children who grow up in blended families. My advice… don’t fall for it! Teaching children love and respect means setting boundaries. Giving in to the guilt creates feelings of resentment for you and entitlement for your children. Put those two things together and you’ve got one powerful monster!
How do you parent without being sucked into the vacuum of childhood manipulation?
Here are my top five tips:
1. YOU are the adult. YOU set the tone. Disengage with your child whenever his/her behavior is unacceptable. Re-engage only when feelings of mutual respect and cooperation are present.
2. Saying no is an acceptable parenting practice. In fact, often times it’s the cornerstone of a great relationship. Children need boundaries. Parents are there to set those boundaries in place until children are old enough to do it on their own.
3. Be consistent. Children need to know what to expect from you. Being consistent and predictable cuts down on the amount of manipulation a child will try to get away with.
4. Don’t feel guilty about your limits as a parent. You know what’s best for your child. If the free phone option is your choice, it needs to be their choice as well.
5. Let your child be an individual without compromising your values as a parent. Children do need space to express themselves, make their own decisions, learn, grow, and experience life. Not, however, at the expense of your standards or expectations.
Recognize manipulation for what it is, push it aside, and be the kind of parent your child NEEDS! Which, by the way, is often NOT the kind of parent your child wants! Someday they’ll thank you… After all, how often have you thanked your own parents for all the times they refused to give in?
Homework: Where are you giving in to guilt as a parent? Write down the situations in which guilt plays a factor in your decisions. In each case, write down the choice you would have made if you hadn’t given in to the guilt. Which choices are better for your children (bio and step)? Why?
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For the parents and step-parents who didn’t believe me when I’ve told them “you’ve just been played…” now, finally a real teenager confirming it. I WAS Ami when I was her age. Kids will find the weak spot and needle it to death.
Great article Teresa!!
This is a serious bone of contention in our house.
When I’ve tried to speak up and acknowledge that we’re being ‘played’ I’ve been told to keep my mouth shut and let Mom and Dad figure out how to handle if the purchase is necessary. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t even voice an opinion anymore even if I completely disagree.
Erin´s last [type] ..Stepmom Confessional- My stepkids wont benefit from my death and Im okay with that
Erin, this used to be a major issue for me as well. Especially when it came to the things my stepdaughter’s mother did. I now realize that if the biological mom puts herself in a position to be parenting out of guilt, that’s HER issue. She’s the one running circles, not me. My husband and I are on the same page when it comes to parenting. We’d let her go without a phone before we ever tried to pull off the acrobats her mom’s preforming to ‘make her child happy’. Ami knows this, and like it or not, respects our boundaries and limits.
I recently did a radio show where Ami openly talks about how she manipulates her mom into giving in. She admits it’s a power play and she’s absolutely delighted when it works. She KNOWS what she’s doing! She does it on purpose! And she’s winning the game against her mom each and every time.
I suggest you and your DH listen in on the kid’s perspective! It’s an eye-opener! Here’s the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox/2011/03/08/living-the-stepkid-life
Best of Luck to You!
Teresa
Teresa Thompson´s last [type] ..Clawing My Way Through…
Hi Teresa, you are right on the money! In working with families and observing many others, I further believe that many parents don’t realize all the times they are being manipulated, wouldn’t admit to it, or don’t know what to do about it. Guilt plays a big role, which is often more pronounced after divorce. Everything you state is equally an issue in first families, but doesn’t cause the type of controversy or level of discontent that it does in recoupled families. This is partly due to the person who happens to notice the behavior, which is primarily the step parent. Step parents don’t have the bio parent guilt and can be more objective, but are often perceived to be nit-picking. Again, due to bio parents’ inability or unwillingness to recognize the behavior for what it is.
With that said, I’d like to suggest a resource for parents, which addresses this issue. It is the book Mommy Guilt. Here is the link to its corresponding blog: http://www.parentopia.net/. It is also good for any parent who may want help recognizing or working through their guilt. It’s written by 3 biological moms who have 7 happily-adjusted children among them. It offers valuable strategies to help parents on many issues. My favorite sections are: breaking bad habits; 3 C’s when disciplining: calm, consistent, and caring; kids doing fair share of housework; and dealing with picky-eaters. The authors believe that arguments are normal and that disagreements can lead to a positive outcome. Teresa, all of your tips are included within the “Seven Principles of the Mommy Guilt-Free Philosophy”. Of course, it covers MANY other common parenting issues. If parents want advice or feedback on other issues, they can post a question on the site to get an answer.
Since the resource is written by biological mothers with the mind-set of first families, I want to add how this could be most helpful for a step parents. If you are a bio step, it is given how this could help with questions or issues you face as a bio parent. As a step parent, discuss how to implement these ideas with your DH or SO, since discipline should primarily be from the bio parent until the step parent transcends to an Insider. If the parenting / discipline concerns are when the children are with the BM, suggest to DH or SO that he introduce this resource to BM in a way that says he found it (relinquish getting credit to avoid her automatically discounting it), thinks the suggestions are founded, and would like for each of them (team-building verbiage) to work on implementation.
In conclusion, the strategies suggested in Mommy Guilt are also wonderful for step parents who want to learn how to be a better parent. Guilt is not exclusive to bio parents. LOL I especially like the 3 C’s: calm, consistent, and caring. SM’s can use this when dealing with BM too, if necessary. LOL This resources teaches that yelling is not necessary. Boundaries can be created in a fairly “yes” environment (improves decision-making) to create healthy well-adjusted children.
I hope you and your readers find it as helpful as I do.
Great post, BTW!
Judy
Hi Judy,
Thank you so much for your feedback and the excellent resource! As both a bio and a step parent, I deal with mommy guilt on many different levels and issues. It takes consistent work and effort to not give in to the manipulative nature of children in all the wrong ways.
I love the idea of the ‘yes’ environment based on boundaries and positive decision-making skills. It makes so much sense. Our children deserve to be well-adjusted, healthy individuals… not manipulative monsters!
Warmly,
Teresa