October 8th Guest of Honor is Izzy Rose!
Yesterday was so awesome with Shirley Cress Dudley! The winners of her eBook “Blended Family Advice” are Elizabeth and Cecelia!
Please email me ASAP! Congratulations ladies!
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Today’s guest is the fabulous and vibrant Izzy Rose, author of the “The Package Deal” (I’m a big fan of Izzy’s book and you can read my review HERE)
About Izzy
Izzy Rose is an Emmy award-winning television producer from the San Francisco Bay Area and the best-selling author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. She’s the creator of Stepmothers Milk, a blog and resource site for the modern-day stepmom with national and international readership. She’s appeared countless times on television and radio programs in San Francisco, Austin and Memphis. Her work has been called “compulsively readable,” “laugh out loud,”“heartfelt,” and “ultimately reassuring” by colleagues Wednesday Martin, Sally Bjornsen, Jacqueline Fletcher and Jennifer Newcomb Marine.
When she’s not writing about stepparenting, she’s busy with ghost writing projects. Spirited: Connect to the Guides Around You, the book she co-wrote with Rebecca Rosen, published by Harper Collins, releases in February 2010. She currently lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and two stepsons.
Izzy has appeared in print, on TV and on radio (and if you’ve got a book club, she’ll appear there, too!) For a full list of appearances, you can check out Izzy Rose, What They Are Saying
PRINT
Redbook Magazine
The Press Democrat
The North Bay Bohemian
TELEVISION
San Francisco: KPIX, Bay Sunday
San Francisco: KPIX, CBS5 Noon News
RADIO
Santa Rosa: KRCB FM
Austin: KUT FM w/ Jennifer Stayton
San Francisco: KOIT, Positive Parenting with Armin Brott
Izzy will be giving away a FREE signed copy of her book, The Package Deal to one lucky stepmom today – but you gotta play to be entered! So, today’s challenge is to come up with the funny in your stepmom life. What happy, funny memories do you have of your stepkids? What makes you smile?
Grab your cup of coffee and lets get this party started!
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Good Morning Izzy and thank you so much for joining us here today on the Stepmom’s Toolbox!
I love your style and the humor in which you told your story. And you know I loved your book, but you can you tell me what prompted you to write this?
I’m excited about today so ladies – here’s your chance to dish with Izzy! Ask your questions, tell us your funny stories…and enjoy the day!
Good morning Peggy! Thanks for having me as a guest on your fabulous site. I’m on Texas time and it’s still early- ish, so let me grab my coffee and then I’ll jump right in. Looking forward to chatting with you all today!
IR
Ok, I’m back. Good Morning everyone. Peggy has asked why I wrote The Package Deal…
Just a few years ago, I was living the good single life in San Francisco. I had a great career, an independent Izzy-centric lifestyle and was perfectly happy with the fact that I was unmarried and had no children at thirty five… and then I fell in love with a divorced with two sons and my life turned upside down.
I shouldn’t have been totally surprised because as many of you know, this is the NEW REALITY for many women postponing marriage until their thirties. The dating pool changes and many of the available men are hardly single- they came with small versions of themselves and an ex-wife– what I call: the package deal.
Well, long story short, I married my man plus two and once a new stepmother I went looking for support and when I didn’t find a group offline or on that spoke to me, I started my own! I launched http://www.stepmothersmilk.com in 2007 and my blog became the basis for my book. The immediate success of SMM let me know there was a huge need for women wanting to tell their stories, seeking advice, support and WANTING TO BE HEARD!
So, to answer your question- I wrote The Package Deal for millions of women just like me asking the same questions I’ve asked: what is our role, what are the rules and how the hell do we fit in?
Not sure if Izzy is still here but I want to thank her for her book. Also want to ask her, given her experience and great attitude, what is her best advice for someone going through teen stepchild drama? Thanks!
Hooray! Izzy’s here
(and I’m now at work, but thankfully, I can access my blog…thanks work!)
When I jumped back into the dating pool at the young age of 40, one thing I noticed was the amount of guys my age with very young kids. I was on my way to being an empty nester…so when I married my honey and he came with four kids, I was so glad that only one of them was under 18
Hi Peggy and Izzy! Izzy, I am halfway through The Package Deal and I can’t put it down. The straight-up honesty in this book is amazing and the humor is helping me keep my own situation in perspective. So this is a great treat to be able to “talk” with you today!
I don’t so much have a question as I just feel like I need some encouragement. My stepson is a sweet guy. He’s thirteen, into his guitar, has many friends, and is so very quiet. It’s not just me he’s quiet around, even his dad feels the need to check in fairly regularly with him to say, “Hey, what’s up? Anything you want to talk about? How is life these days”? Both my stepson’s parents are very involved in his life, and I only see him once a week (when he sleeps over one of the weekend days) or when I go see his talent shows, soccer games. Even then he won’t look at me – I think he feels awkward giving me attention in front of him mom.
So … I remind myself that he’s a kid and if I stay mature and friendly and encourage our common interests (funny TV is our bond) then perhaps some day he’ll look back and see that I was a good step mom. My husband is encouraging more “family” interaction (but he dropped the ball on my birthday, my stepson didn’t even know it was coming up – my husband and I have talked about integrating me more in my stepson’s life a little more actively). Maybe someday I’ll feel closer my stepson. Or someday I won’t but I’ll still think he’s a cool kid anyway.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Wednesday! Izzy’s here…and checking in. If I’m not mistaken, you’ve got step-teenage girls, correct?
Hi Wednesday,
Teen stepchild drama- that’s a tough one. It is hard, I’m not gonna lie. I think having a sense of humor becomes increasingly important with teens in the house because they just seem to exist to press our buttons. I am constantly having to put myself in check. I walk out of the room a lot and take a breath when things start to annoy me. I try to remember myself at that age and I was superbly awkward, confused, snarly, insecure about my looks and body and not at all interested in my parents. When I can remember that I was completely oblivious to the adults in my life when I was a teen, I can relax a little more in my stepmom role. It’s not about me! I say this a lot.
Lately, I say a little prayer when I feel the tension rise- I ask to have a bigger heart. I’m not sure it’s working, but I’m trying the best I can.
Hi Colleen,
So happy you are enjoying The Package Deal. And I am happy to give encouragement, but just for the record, I am an amateur at this stuff! I guess we’re all amateurs when it comes to parenting and we figure it out as we go along.
As you know from reading TPD, my oldest stepson is not much of a talker and it drives me nuts. After much therapy and self-searching, I’ve realized that this is my issue. When he doesn’t share, I can’t connect. In fact, Wednesday writes about this in her book… let’s see if I can totally butcher her impeccable research (sorry Wednesday)…women define themselves by their relationships and when we aren’t connecting, we feel like failures. It’s absolutely true that I feel like I’m failing this kid when he doesn’t open up to me. But, that’s my issue. So again, I have to take a step back and realize that he and my relationship is going to take its time. And I married his father for the long haul, so we’re not in a rush…
Colleen, I think you’re doing everything right. You are trying to be present with him. You’re bonding over shared interests (and shows like The Office, Top Chef and Flight of the Concords have brought our family together).
Keep doing what you’re doing. I, too, hope that our stepkids will look back down the road and appreciate our subtle and constant attention.
IR
One of the things I did with my youngest stepson was to find something (anything!) to bond over. Until he started failing school (another story) we went to Thai Kickboxing together. It gave us something we could have a conversation about. He’s tough to connect with, not just because he’s a boy, but he does have some learning disabilities. I find it much more easier to connect with my step daughters – there are simply more common points of interest.
I admit- there are times when I think, I wish I had girls! I imagine we’d have more to bond over, but then I hear (and know from personal experience. I was one) that teenage stepdaughters can be… how can I say it politely… difficult?
I am a believer that the people who come into our lives, do so for a reason, so I got my boys because they have something to teach me. And me, them.
So far, they’ve invigorated my interest in “how things work” and I’ve shared a thing or two with them about the benefits of good hygiene.
Hello Izzy,
I just have a quick question. Will you be writing anymore books like TPD?
I just finished reading it and i absolutely loved it! I could relate to it, and it has helped me have a different perspective on my relationships. There’s so much more to it, but my husband and I were going through marriage counseling and i think it was this book that pulled me through.
Thank you so much for writing such a wonderful inspiring book!
Thank you Izzy!
I appreciate your insight and totally understand we’re all “amateurs” in this together. I go to counseling and my therapist needs to remind me (all the time!) that kids can be triggers for all sorts of things in ourselves – for past experiences when we were kids ourselves, as well as for things we’re trying to deal with in ourselves in the present. One of the things I really appreciate about your experience is that you try to grow and learn from this new step parenting role.
My husband reminds me, too, that this is for the long haul so I try to calm my “fix it right now” tendencies. He has been so supportive of my transition to my new role. He even surprised me during one of our “this is so new and weird!” discussions by saying that dealing with this step-mom-and-his-son-relationship was new and kind of bewildering to him too. He, like me, wants always to do the right things and so we’re learning together (as my stepson is too I’m sure). That’s why I always remind myself to take the high road and be mature even when, like you, I feel like I need to leave the room and collect myself again. Fostering an atmosphere of support and love and we’ll-survive-this-change in our house is important.
Thank you for this forum to share these experiences. I’m so glad to be a part of this new community of strong, smart, generous women.
I too have wondered if step daughters would be easier – but then again I know I was one moody daughter so who knows? So then I just remind myself to concentrate on my stepson as his own unique person and forget about what I think would be “better” because yeah, what do I know? All I have is the experience that is actually happening right now.
Some activities I encourage with my stepson and husband are geocaching (hiking and treasure hunts = fun for everyone); making sure we are stocked up on our favorite TV show DVDs (The Office, 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm) because he and I can, and do, watch those shows over and over; eating meals at the kitchen table and playing the High-Low game (What was your high this week? What was your low this week?). He usually gives very short answers but I think it’s important to ask anyways.
Next up I’d like to get my stepson more involved in the kitchen – I’d like to see him develop more self-sufficient skills (nice way to say – learn to wash dishes!) and he’s a picky eater so this would help me discover what he likes. For his part, he’s stopped watching horror movies in the living room and plays his video games in his bedroom when he stays with us. I like to keep our living room as a common interests room where everyone feels comfortable hanging out.
I came into my remarried family with two girls of my own, they were 22 and almost 19. When my mom (who began her life with me as my stepmom) would call to ask how my youngest was, I’d say, “She’s not dead and I’m not in prison.” Keeping my sense of humor when she was a teenager was the knot at the end of my rope
When I found out I’d become a full time, 24/7, stepmom to my youngest stepson, I thought God had a very quirky sense of humor. Like Izzy, I believe that everyone in my life is here to teach me something. I’d always wanted a boy and with my youngest daughter, I was convinced she was going to be my boy. Until the doctor said, “do you have a girl’s name picked out,” she was my Christopher. (She became my Christina)
…and God gave me my Christopher. He was 14. Hanging from a tree when I first met him. ADHD, LD, and now possibly Aspergers. He’s taught me a lot…
And when my mom calls to ask how things are going…”well, mom, I’m not in prison…”
Mandy,
Nice to meet you! And happy that The Package Deal resonated with you. Just curious where you’re from and how you heard about it? I’m so nosy about my readers… I wish we could all hang out together:)
I’m definitely planning to write another book and possibly a memoir, so stay tuned. It’s been such an honor and thrill to connect with so many awesome women.
Colleen,
Get him involved in the kitchen! I love the way you think! Junior has suprised me that last few weeks…it’s taken nearly three years, but the young man can clean (and I mean CLEAN) the kitchen!
I concur! I insist that my young men know how to clean a kitchen, a bathroom (and yes, that includes the toilet) and are schooled in doing their own laundry. I’m their stepmom– not their maid:)
Izzy – when Junior asks me why he has to clean his bathroom or unsmell himself, I always tell him that his future wife will thank me and that’s why I’m teaching him the basics (see, it’s all about me…ahahaha)
Yay! I cant wait to read your upcoming books!
I’m from Cresaptown, Maryland. I’m 25 and have been married 2 years. I have SD15 and SS14. And yes, it would be great if we could all hang out. They need to make a Stepmom island. LOL!
Hugs~
Ladies,
I can take one more question before I head off to my noon-time PUMP class at the gym and then I’ll be back for the rest of the afternoon. Side note: working out/ breathing fresh air/ eating healthy helps ease the stepfamily stress. Peggy is a huge proponent of self-care and I’m sure she’d agree. I try to get to the gym 5 days a week and I’m a much nicer person when I do.
Izzy – have fun at PUMP! And ladies, she’s right: physical activity, fresh air and eating healthy are all part of keeping a peaceful mind!
I’ve got a question (you can answer when you get back!) What’s your relationship with your ex-wife-in-law like? On a scale of 1-10 (one being below dismal and 10 being super fab) how would you rate it?
I am a new stepmom, and to say I’m confused/frustrated is to say it so lightly. My SDs are 13 and 14 and we have them full time. I remember when we first moved in together, my mother started laughing and made comments on how I will never “own” anything again. And I find myself so frustrated as this is coming true, I need to search my things out every morning to get ready for work. Before them, I had lived on my own (completely) for 10+ years, so I am very used to things being in their places and knowing if I put something down I’m coming back to it exactly as I’ve left it. And I get angry (inside) that my house is not like that anymore, and then I feel guilty at realizing how selfish I’m being and they’re just kids and I remember being that age and if my mother put anything down for 5 minutes she obviously didn’t need it!
While it seems like it should be so simple to me, I forget that they are teenagers and very self invovled and I am a grown woman who has been self involved for my whole life. (Now thats its time to share, I don’t want to haha…) I guess my question is how do I go about eliminating this process in myself? How do I set proper boundries with the girls without sounding like a total selfish cow? And what boundries are acceptable
Lisa,
I know Izzy will chime in when she’s back from PUMP, but let me tell you I’m still working on this!
When my girls did that to me, I felt like a bottle rocket that could zip to the moon and back in 60 seconds. Touch my stuff…move my stuff…take my stuff and I’d have an inner nuclear melt down. You are not alone!
In 2006 I put a lock on my bedroom door because my youngest daughter thought if it was in my room, it must be hers, too. (huh?)
I have since gone back to locking my bedroom door because Junior, who is 17, thinks what’s in my room is also his. Junior recently “stole” a brand new CD that I had bought (and got signed by one of the band members) – imagine if you will, a cartoon character with steam coming out of her ears and head. That would be me.
Junior received his consequence and I did something new. After I downloaded the CD to iTunes, I gave him the CD. I told him he needed it more than I did. He tried telling me he couldn’t accept it. To which I said, of course you can. You stole it from me first. So obviously, I don’t need it as much as you do. I showed him how one of the band members signed the inside cover. He tried to give that to me and I told him “it’s yours.”
I don’t want to make this a habit, but he hasn’t touched my stuff in 3 weeks.
lol… bottlerocket that’s EXACTLY how I feel, and first thing in the morning COMEON!!!! Now when my mom came to visit us in the summer she bought us a lock doorknob, she put a lock on her door and said if I wanted peace then put it on. We have yet to put it on because its his room, its their room…. but it’s also MY room. The way they were when we didn’t live together, is it was their room, and it doesn’t bother him at all! But its everything, even as far as if there is a mess anywhere in the house if they don’t know where to put it they dump it on my bedroom floor haha. I’ve almost got them out of that habit thankfully, but he doesn’t feel comforatable with the locked door. He thinks it’s closing them out, so there it sits… beside my nightstand, waiting for me to snap !!! lol
It’s your bedroom right?
My bedroom is my sacred space. Enter only if invited. If you’re not invited, enter at your own risk.
Kind of funny, but Richard is the one who put the lock on my bedroom door. We had just started dating (again, high school sweethearts in 1980, remet after 25 years, it’s a cavity inducing story for another time) and he came over to take care of some things in my house. He put the lock on the door.
And he has no issues using it to keep his son out of our room.
He has his own room.
I think its still my room… although I’m not too sure, I don’t really hang out in it anymore, just sleep, which is also rare.
I’m sure the lock will make it on the door eventually, at the moment I’ll let my husband learn this lesson on his own and give them the benefit of the doubt. He wants to have an open door policy with the girls and if it doesn’t drive him completely crazy then fly at it!
Although I do need to securely place MY boundries, which is what I need the help on… getting my points across without looking like a psycho or I’m only out to make their lives miserable or spending thousands of dollars buying them identical “hot items” so they leave mine alone!
Hi Izzy, so glad to “see” you here. I really enjoyed talking to you at BlogHer and I’m just now starting to come out of my sweet new baby haze…sort of!
My stepson is 19 and just started college, but my favorite story about him is from when his dad and I had just started dating. He was around 8 then and we got along fabulously. He was (and still is) a sweet boy, but his dad had never dated. When my stepson’s grandpa asked him how he liked his dad’s new girlfriend, he said, “My dad doesn’t have a girlfriend!”. When asked who he thought I was, he said, “Steph is MY friend!” LOL!
Sadly, after he realized I was dating his dad and his mom got wind of it things were rough for awhile, but we worked through it. He was really too young to understand what was going on, and I still don’t know what his mom said to him, but we were able to work through it.
Peggy,
On a scale of 1-10, I’d say it’s about a 3. I say this not because we are fighting with each other, but because she treats me like I’m invisible. Many women have pointed out that I should be grateful for this! And they’re probably right. I get to live my life without any interference from her. So, it’s not that I want her in my day-to-day business, but I wish I felt recognized. Perhaps that’s too much to hope for.
Hi Lisa,
I share the same mindset with Peggy- it’s my room. It’s my sacred space. And respect that1 I made it very clear when we all moved in together that my husband and my bathroom was off-limits to the boys (they have their own) and that doors do not get opened without first knocking. In fact, I found a doorknob hanger that says “Making out. Come back later” and that did the trick. You know kids: Ewwww, gross. Adults making out!
All that said, setting boundaries is hard. I write about this throughout The Package Deal. There were many times when I thought I was being selfish, but I also knew I had to take care of myself (i.e. create some physical space for myself) or I would go out of my mind.
YOu get to ask for this. It’s your house, too.
I have to run to meetings so I’m going to have to check back for Izzy’s take on all of this…
as for the funny in my stepmom life…
The youngest (13) always comes up with these outrageous decisions about herself… telling us that she is always up and getting ready for school at 6am (although I am up between 530 and 6 every morning and oddly have never run into her, but I don’t ruin it by telling her this of course) or she wears her hair a certain way (that’s hidious, also don’t let her in on this fact) or a certain style of dressing, phrase….
… the hilarious part of it is that she dubs them as “her thing” although no one in the house has ever seen or heard of it before. (exp: “I always put the dishes away with one hand and my eyes closed, it’s kind of my thing”)
The oldest (14) is so boy crazy it kills me… I can convince her to do just about anything with me if I promise her that there’s probably going to be hot guys kicking around wherever I’ve suggested we go!
I get a huge a kick out of the little things both of them do as they’re trying to carve out the people they will be. Not to mention some of the things they come up with is totally funny and reminds me of the outrageous things I decided to be fact at that age.
Lisa,
Have you ever tested the girls? Gone into their rooms, taken out items of theirs or even worn their clothes?? My guess is they’d have a fit. That’s when you say, “We all live together, sure, but you need to respect that their are boundaries within the home, specifically my bedroom and my (WHATEVER THAT IS). If you want to borrow something, ask. I may say yes. I may say no. And when I say no, I need you to respect that.”
They have improved alot (ALOT) since moving in together, and we almost have a perfect knocking record (this week anyways)
It’s really nice to know that these feelings are normal, cuz sometimes I’m not so sure.
Thank you so much for your advise ladies. It’s nice to be reminded that it’s ok for me to be a little more aggresive when it comes to certain issues, at least of course til we move to a huge house and I can have my own room where boys aren’t allowed either!!
Izzy! That is a brilliant idea… I am definately going to try that. Its so hard to find dramatic ways to express myself with them since words/logic and teenagers don’t really mix
Lisa,
You are most definitely not alone. If it makes you feel any better, when we first started the “family” house-hunt, I argued the necessity for me to have my own separate room that no one (including my husband) else entered. “You know,” I said, “like a small building in the backyard where I can think and mix my own cocktails.”
It was a nice fantasy.
Izzy, can I ask if your stepkids know about your website and if they had any reaction about the book?
Hi Izzy,
We’ve got a comment from someone you know – Steph. She popped in while I was doing ? (I have no idea…brain lapse).
I don’t like feeling invisible. It’s like steering a ship in complete darkness with a broken compass. It’s not like I need a ticker tape parade, but it is nice when the bio-mom offers up a “Thank You” or a high-five. Now that I think of it, this is exactly why I started the Mother’s Day Dare Project…thank you goes such a long, long way in the life of stepmom!
Lisa – I used to do to my daughters what they did to me. Take their stuff. Did the same thing to Junior. My husband is a bit more open to the “I don’t care if he touches my stuff” (unless Junior is playing with dad’s power tools…wanna see a rocket go off?) I think my issues about my stuff are borderline neurotic, but I aslo grew up with 4 younger brothers and 2 older stepsisters. Carving out my own space in a croweded house was a big deal for me. I’ll probably be this way until the day I die.
Having my own space is integral to my sanity, peace of mind, and my overall mental well being
Colleen,
I made sure to get the boys’ permission before launching Stepmother’s Milk. I thought it was only fair they know I was writing about them! They were 10 and 14 at the time and I thought it would be a violation of their privacy to write about them in “secret.”
All along, they’ve given me the green light to write about our family, and I think a lot of this has to do with my ability to write about the tough stuff in a humorous way. They especially like my self-deprecating edge. Also, I promised never to trash their mother. I think that meant a lot to them.
That’s great, Izzy. I think the boy’s permission and acceptance of your work also signals that they respect your role in their lives. That’s pretty cool!
Ladies – I’ll be back in an hour…time to commute home.
Izzy will hold down the fort
mrs. izzy,
HI! I have a question. I have one of those really weird critters called a mean ager. Some days I feel like I’m navagating a space machine that only if you punch the right buttons in the proper order does it proceed to TAKE YOU BACK TO EARTH.
I know you raised BOYS…but any advice on not wanting to DAILY rip my hair out in raising a 12 (13 next month) year old GIRL.
She’s a good kid. But somewhere over the last 6 months has decided I”M THE ENEMY.
I havent changed..SHE HAS .
Ladies,
I hate to call it a day, but I have to dash off to my Thursday night group therapy. Much like my PUMP class (see earlier comment) my regular therapy sessions help keep me happy and sane. Plus, it’s all women, so it’s relaxed and encouraging and wise. Do I go because my marriage is falling apart or because I want to throw my stepkids out on the street? No. I go to get out of my head and check in. I highly recommend it.
If I didn’t have time to answer your question today, feel free to email me directly at izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com Don’t be shy. Like my mother says to me, “No question is a stupid question.”
Thank you Peggy. This was fun and such a great idea. I’m looking forward to your future guests.
Best
Best,
IR
Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom (Random House, May 09)
web:http://izzy-rose.com/
blog:http://stepmothersmilk.com/
twitter:stepmothersmilk
Hi Izzy,
Thank you so much for spending your day with us! We did get one last question while I was driving home, so if you get a chance later tonight or tomorrow to respond that would be awesome!
And now your tough assignment! Please pick one lucky stepmom to receive a signed copy of your book and email me the name. I will announce the winner tomorrow!
And ladies – our next Guest of Honor is Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster. She’ll be making her grand appearance on October 13!
Blessings and Happy Stepmomming!
Peggy
Hey Izzy!!!
Not sure if you’re still on today, (I’m a little late! It’s Friday morning here!!!) but I got the impression, when reading your book, that you had to be quite diplomatic about what you wrote. For obvious reasons.
Are there any dark secrets or feelings you have about the BM or S/kids that you wish you could have written but didn’t?? Spill!
B xxxx
Oh, P.S….
Izzy AND peggy… there is something for you BOTH over on my blog today!
LBM xxxx