October 5th Is All About The SMART Stepmom!
I am so excited to have as a very special Guest of Honor, Laura Petherbridge, co-author of The Smart Stepmom. Laura is with us today to share her experience and her expertise in being a Stepmom!
About Laura…
Laura Petherbridge serves couples and single adults with topics on spiritual growth, relationships, stepfamilies, and divorce recovery.
She is an international speaker and author of, When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce, endorsed by Billy Graham’s daughter—Gigi, and Multi-Dove Award winner Kim Hill.
Her newest release The Smart Stepmom, is co-authored with stepfamily expert Ron Deal and endorsed by Supermodel Kim Alexis and Gary Chapman (Five Love Languages).
Laura has spoken at the Billy Graham Training Center The Cove in Ashville, NC. And her messages have been featured on various TV and radio broadcasts including:
- Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey
- Moody Broadcasting—Midday Connection and Chris Fabry
- Crown Financial Ministries with Howard Dayton (Larry Burkett)
- Family Net TV
- HomeWord with Jim Burns
- The Harvest Show Le Sea Broadcasting
In addition to her books she has been published in:
- Focus on the Family Magazine
- Crosswalk.com
- Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN.com)
- On Mission Southern Baptist magazine
- Proverbs 31 Woman (Lysa Terkuerst)
- Girlfriends in God (Mary Southerland)
Laura is a featured expert on the DivorceCare DVD series, which has equipped more than 12,000 churches worldwide. She has taught on divorce recovery at Reformed Theological Seminary in Orlando, and functioned as a Stephen’s Ministry instructor.
Laura is a contributor to the following books:
- The Twenty-Third Psalm for the Brokenhearted by Carmen Leal
- When God Steps In by Bonnie Bruno
- The Art Of Helping—What to Say And Do When Someone is Hurting by Lauren Littauer Briggs
- Hope, Help, and Healing During and After Your Divorce, a daily devotional by Steve Grissom and Kathy Leonard.
Laura and her husband, Steve, reside in Lady Lake, FL. She can be reached at Laura@Laurapetherbridge.com and www.TheSmartStepmom.com
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Having read The Smart Stepmom, (and you can read my complete review HERE) I can honestly say YOU WANT THIS BOOK.
One lucky stepmom will receive a signed copy of The Smart Stepmom! All you have to do to be entered, is participate by asking Laura a question or questions in the comments section of this post! (not the book review post!)
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Hi Laura and welcome to The Stepmom’s Toolbox!
Ladies, pull up a chair and pour yourself a cup of coffee or tea. You’ve got a great opportunity to ask Laura your most pressing stepmom questions! Laura will be with us throughout the day.
I’m going to open up today’s discussion with a question of my own.
Accepting what IS is a big part of being a stepmom and you write about it in Chapter Six of your book, The Smart Stepmom. Can you give some practical tips on learning how to put up with the step kids’ behaviors or habits that are unappealing, especially if a stepmom is married to a disengaged dad?
I know we have some questions out there! Ask away ladies and don’t be shy!
I was wondering if you have any tips on how to not take things personally? I know a big part of being a step mom is letting things roll off your shoulders. Be it the birth moms insanity or the kids wanting from her what they aren’t going to get. How can you deal?
I have a question from Bunny!
Hi, Laura–
I can’t wait to read this book!
My question of the day is:
What can I do about my 11 1/2 yr old step daughter who constantly lies? BIG lies-the kind that could get her dad and me thrown in jail? And other lies, about homework, and such?
Thank you!!
bunny
Hi Peggy and Christy-
The question about dealing with difficult stepkids when the dad is disengaged is probably the most common SM question I recieve. And the problem is there are no easy answers. The issue here is more related to the husband and the marriage than it is the kids. It SEEMS like it’s all aboput the kids, but the REAL issue is the dad who has allowed guilt, shame, fear or selfishness to dictate his parenting.
You can’t MAKE him engage, however I believe it is wise to have a deep heart to heart and share that this is eating away at the marriage union and relationship. And ask, do you want to have a healthy marriage? if he says yes, but he isn’t willing to get professional help to learn HOW then that is the root of the problem.
Typiclaly, you will need a thrid party who can help the SM learn how to set helthy boundaries WITH HER HUSBAND, so that the relationship may grow. the mistake many SMs make is they try to set these boudnaries with the kids and it doesn’t work. Because setting boundaries ONLY works with someone who desires a relationship and many SK don’t want a steparent. Therfore, when a SM tries to set boudnaires it backfires.
this is a complex subject that doesn’t have an easy 1,2,3 blueprint for success. Laura P
Christy-
Your question sounds like it may involve legal issues. When a child threatens a parent with lies, particularly the kind you describe, she has deep issues.
If the bio mom is no help in getting to the root of this, then my suggestion is to seek professional help from a counselor and a lawyer who can teach you how to protect yourself, and what to say and do to work toward easing the situation.
this child may be in DEEP trouble.
If you spouse won’t go for help…YOU go.
Laura – you are providing excellent advice!
I have another question – what do you say to the stepmom who thinks self-care is selfish?
Sorry!! the legal question came from Bunny, not Christy.
Christy- learning how to keep from taking the rejection and distain from SK is a hard one. I’ve had to do this not only with my SK but also my own family members. when they hurt me I have to pray “Lord, help me to remember this really isn’t about me. Hurt people–hurt people, it’s what they do.”
when a person does not get the help they require to heal from the wounds of the past (child or adult) they then inflict that pain on others. if you can remeber that fact, when the kids hurt you, it’s easier to detach from the situation and realize “this really sin’t about me…it’s about their own woundedness.”
that doesn’t mean we should be a doormat and allow people to speak disrespecfully to us, but it helps us to step out of the circle of pain and realize it has less to do with me and they would eb treating ANY stepmom their dad married this way.
PS I’m doing a radio inteview for stepmoms with a station in England in a few minutes. isn’t that great?? technology has connected all of us!!
self care: it’s absolutely crucial for the woman today.
I meet so many women who want to attend my smart stepmom workshop (or other events) but say “I don’t have time”. My answer to that is if you don’t have time to meet other stepmoms who think and hurt like you do, learn how to strengthen your marriage, parent hurting kids, plus how to keep your sanity in the midst of all of it, then you are TOO BUSY. What could be more important? Isolation is the enmy of this present generation–we NEED girlfriends and quiet time to reflect to keep us emotionally, spiritually and physically strong. If I’m falling apart in those 3 areas I’m of no help to myself, my spouse, my stepkids or the people who come to hear me speak.
I can’t agree with you more! I often tell my sister stepmoms that we make time for what we value!
I’m taking a lunch break and will be back in an hour or so.
Have an awesome radio interview!
Laura,
I realize this is a broad question, but do you have any good ideas for how to deal with teenaged stepkids (one of each gender)? We were only married a year ago, and I realize the timing is such that just when we are trying to BUILD a family, the kids are testing their independence and starting to try breaking free. My husband sees this is an issue where the kids and I are not bonding, but I see it as a “timing issue” as well concerning when we married.
Any words of advice for the newly minted stepmoms of teenagers will be MOST welcome! Thanks in advance.
Julie-
My 2 stepsons were 11 and 13 when we married, so I understand the complexities of this age group. I wish i could say i had some profound advice when dealing with teens. However, here are a few things I can share.
You have only been married 1 year. Even if the kids were 6 and 8 you would not have enough time yet to bond. stepfamilies take a LONG, LONG time to bond. most experts agree it’s about 7 years.
Second, you don’t mention how long ago the divorce or death occurred but that plays a HUGE factor. if dad remarried soon (within 2 years) afterwards they are going to be more resistant. kids are at least 1 year behind adults in the grief process.
Third, teens today are facing HUGE self esteem issues even under good circumstances. If his kids are battling any of those dragons they might be dealing with so much internally that they don’t even care about you.
The most concerning thing about your post is your statement “my husband sees this as us not bonding” that tels me that your spouse may not understand the complexities of stepfamilies (this is normal-we have 2 chapters written to help him). If he expects his kids to bond quickly with you then it may be setting the relationship up for problems because that is VERY rare.
one of the most important things I can sahre with you is to encourage your husband to have A LOT of time alone with his kids. Teens need to know dad has not disappeared because he remarried. The trend is to try to get them to “blend” but their teen world is spinning into hormone overdrive and they don’t need to deal with stepfamily issues ontop of that. THEY NEED DAD.
so my strongest advice is to help him see the importance of signficant time alone with his kids, that doesn’t mean you never do things together but refrain from trying to become the Brady Bunch…it was a TV show and a bad one at that!!!
Radio show:
I was wrong!! the radio show today was not in England, that is tomorrow. Anyway I thought some of you might want to listen because she sqeezed alot intoa short time frame!! It’s on http://www.debbiechavez.com
Thanks for sharing the link to the radio show!
I loved your advice to Julie. Kind of funny, but when Richard and I got married, we took the “Brady Bunch” picture…the kids lined up on the stairs in age order with Richard and I at the top. That’s as Brady Bunch as we got
(Besides the fact that we “created” an instant family with six kids)
Hi Laura!
I am dating a man with two small children ages 3 and 5 for over a year now. They were 2 and 4 when we met. Obviously, since they are so small, both parents try to do things together for their “firsts” (first movie,first day of kindergarten). Is this something I can ask to be part of? I asked the Mom to the Circus with us because I thought the kids would love it if you she came, but she declined. I don’t want to step over any boundaries but I am a BIG part of their lives too. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Angelia – GREAT question and I know Laura will respond the next time she checks in but I wanted you to know that in her book, they address dating and couples before they get married. Lots of great tips!
Dear Angelia-I truly appreciate how hard you are trying to bond with his kids and make things go smoothly with the former wife.
However, the number one thing stepmoms say to me is “I had no idea this was going to be so hard. I assumed his kids would accept me like a part of the family.” Because his kids are young they are welcoming you easily right now, but understand that as they grow it’s very likely that will change.
You will only be a “BIG part of their lives” if they let you. stepkids determine how deep the realtionship goes with a steparent, not the adults.
I highly recommend that you read the book with an open mind, and when you hear yourself saying “that won’t apply to me/us” realize that is the area where you will likely battle the most. It’s a way of revealing a “weak link” in our thinking.
This is not to sound negative, but rather realistic. Children with parents that divorced when they were very small often don’t show the affects of the divorce until they hit the adolecent years. my brother was 3 when my parents divorced and i assure you the affects didn’t hit until many years later.
Society likes to tell us kids aren’t affected but that is totally inaccurate. It just comes out later in life. I’ve been a divorce recovery expert for almsot 20 years and I assure you this is true.
My suggestion is to read the stepmom book and also get involved in a divorce recovery program for kids. This will be excellent training for the issues you will likely encounter as these kids grow.
Well,I gotta get that!!!
Laura – what you say is so true. My dad divorced my biomom when I was 8. My brothers were 5, 3, and 1. Their divorce had a fallout tenacity that still haunts two of my brothers. Plus, my dad remarried 18 months later…not a lot of time for us kids to catch our breath.
I have kickboxing class to attend and I’ll be checking back in around 6:30PM EST to see if there are any final questions for the day!
Peggy
I guess the “reality” is what is difficult for me. My step dad was a wonderful man. I loved him DEARLY. My ex-husband and I lived on the same street and raised our daughter together. I really do think I view it through a candy coated lens because of two (rare) cases. I definitely want to be prepared and ready and give them the best life possible. I too am a child of divorce, as is my child and I don’t doubt at they are affected. They are greatly affected already, I can tell by many behavioral issues. Thank you so much Laura! I can’t wait to read your book. What a Godsend you are!
Angelia- The fact that you are teachable is all that really matters. It’s the stepmom or future stepmom who refuses to ackowledge or accept that this might be difficult is the one in trouble.
In the book we also have a chapter for you on what to do regarding your own bio children and how they may be respoding to a new relationship. The key is to prepare and not wait until you are ambused by these issues. Then you can handle them more easily and with a untied front with the dad.
It’s my joy to help you and the others. it brings purpose to my own situation.
Laura,
I am so glad you were able to spend today on The Stepmom’s Toolbox. If I get any questions that come in later tonight I’ll let you know!
Now – your job is to pick a stepmom from today’s discusion to receive a signed copy of your book. Please email her name and I’ll announce the winner tomorrow morning!
Thank you again and I know your book is going to be a huge success in the stepmom community!
Blessings,
Peggy
Hi Peggy and Laura – I know my question is a little late (different time zones) – perhaps you could keep it for ‘next time’
Laura, do you have any words of wisdom for those of us dealing with successful PAS? Especially where the children are now teenagers. My husbands first wife seems to sincerely and deeply believe that their twins do not need a father (she separated from my husband before they were born; left a blank in birth certificate where his name should have been [until legally required to provide it - they were not yet divorced at the time of the birth]; has never to my knowledge called him ‘Dad’ etc).
My husband fought a hard and long battle on two continents to stay in their lives. Now they are 17 and although they clearly are fond of him and their half siblings – they just don’t seem to attach much importance to ‘Dad’, he is very peripheral to their lives (yes, I know they are teenagers…). Their mother has successfully engineered this situation. I see how much love and devotion and sheer will-power it has taken for my husband to be in their lives – and it hurts so much to see him hurting. We see them very seldom these days. The thing is, they are GREAT kids! Well mannered, successful, interesting, seeminly well-adjusted … their mother (and her sister) have been “good” parents – but I think children need both parents!
There is so much more I could tell you about the situation – but I will leave it there…
God bless you and your work
megan
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Hi Megan,
I emailed Laura this morning when I saw your comment pop through the cyber worm-hole. If she doesn’t have time to check back in today, we can ask your question to another expert who will be on tomorrow…Shirley Cress-Dudley!
Megan- I am so sorry that the bio mom has decided to try to eliminate the dad from the lives of her kids. many people do this after a divorce and it’s a very bad decision for the kids (unless the parent is an addict or soemthing of that sort)
It’s possible the kids still feel some disloyalty to mom by having a relationship with dad. You also don’t know what she has told them about him. It used to make me so mad and break my heart when i would see my husband cry over the fact that his kids didn’t seem to want a realtionship. This was more so when they were teens and early 20′s (now they are mid thirty) . But there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
My suggestion is for him to continue building, building, building the relationship with them. And pray that as they get older they will remeber his consistant presence. It’s not uncommon for kids to “see the light” when they have kids of their own. His job is just to remain a stable good dad as best as he can. And to make sure he is having “alone time” with them when possible. Kids spell love T-I-M-E, not money even though they don’t realize it.
it’s possible my first book “When I Do Becomes I Don’t” whoudl help him. I have alot of information in there about kids and the relationship.
Thanks for this! I really like hearing about authors that emphasize the importance of the marriage/relationship being a top priority. As I look back I am so thankful that we, although not consciously, always put “us” first – but I still unconciously felt guilty about it. We never talked about doing it, we just did it. (I sometimes think that we also had a dash of plain old dumb-luck thrown in too our relationship because we definitely didn’t always get it right). So I am doubly excited when I hear that people are learning how to do this consciously and talk to their spouses about it! – G
Hi Georgina,
It’s one of the key principles of The Smart Stepmom. I loved seeing the emphasis on the marriage as well. I think a lot of remarried families get stuck in the mindset that you have to put the kids first. And I love how Laura and Ron explain that it’s not a matter of preference, but a matter of permanence.
Thank you Laura for your reply. I too have felt that heart break of watching my husband’s pain. I hold out hope that they ‘see the light’ when they have children of their own one day… my step spon once sais something about ‘dad is always there’, that gave me hope
I have put your book on my list. Thanks again. It’s nice to know we are not alone!