October 28th Guest of Honor ~ Tess Marshall!
Integrity. Commitment to Excellence. Stubbornly Optimistic!
Congratulations Bloom! You are the winner of an introductory subscription to StepMom Magazine! Please contact me as soon as possible with your contact information!
Congratulations Really Really! You’ve won Elaine’s 7 Steps! I have your contact info!
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About Tess
Tess Marshall, MA, is an author, speaker and life coach. She has a masters degree in counseling psychology and had a private practice for 15 years before beginning her blog, The Bold Life. Tess has guided people from all walks of life in their quest for greater meaning, purpose and happiness.
In her wise and heartfelt book, “Flying by The Seat of My Soul” Tess Marshall integrates moving personal stories, profound lessons, uplifting quotes and stories of others that provoke thoughtful self-examination. “Flying by The Seat of My Soul” can be downloaded for free as an e-book or purchased on her blog in hardcover.
Ladies, pull up a chair and gather round. Today is all about YOU and what you want your life to be! One lucky stepmom will receive a signed copy of Tess’ book (and maybe even your own Magic Fairy Wand!) You have to play to be considered! Ask questions!
And while you’re asking a question, finish this sentence: “When I am living my ideal life, I am ____________________” What are you doing? Who are you with? What excites you? What gets you fired up and ready to go? What makes your heart sing and your brain zoom? And what’s stopping you from living your ideal life?
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I start with finishing the sentence first, when I am living my ideal life I am free from worry, worry about the unknown and worry about leaving my daughters behind.
I am very much on the path to living my ideal life and yet sometimes snarky little thoughts come up about getting in too deep water.
I would love to go sailing, I am living in the wilderness, I am building a new business and yet worry can spoil the fun of anticipation.
Tess, isn’t that a waste of time and how do you deal with worry?
Hi Peggy
Woo hoo, look I’m here! I bounced over from the link on Angelina’s blog. I don’t know why I can’t do it from my blog. Love the title of the book in this post by the way. xo
Wilma! So nice to see you here! Worry – gosh, but it’s one of stepmoms biggest concerns! What a GREAT question for Tess!
DJ! Woo Hoo – you’re here
So happy to see you! Do you have a question for Tess?
Wilma,
How do I deal with worry? Well I’ve had a lot of practice since my husband lost his job in April! Worry is wasted energy that’s for sure.
I just polished a silver bracelet that I pass back and forth with my daughter Roshelle. I gave it to her when her family moved to Detroit and she didn’t know a soul and didn’t have a job 10 years ago. She was terrified.
I bought the silver bracelet and had the word “trust” engraved on it. I told her when she worried to touch the bracelet and remember God has a plan for her.
When things are going well we stop wearing it and even forget who has it!
Another way to halt worry and fear is to use a journal. Put everything on your mind in it daily, close it and forget it for the next 24 hours.
My husband and I also began meditating the day after he was laid off. That has certainly helped!
As far as duaghters go I’ve has so many experiences which them that caused me to worry (some happened and some didn’t)one day I decided it was no fun and quit.
Believe that your daughters are capable and smart and you don’t have to worry. What ever they get into they will find their way out. They also have their own guardian angels and Higher Power! We forget that sometimes!
Also when you catch yourself worrying see your daughters with a smile on their face and remind yourself that “all is well!”
Finally I have spiritual books all over the house and there is a lot of stuff I underline, dog ear etc. I grab a book and begin reading what’s underlined. Never fails.
On no didn’t I just say finally? One more…I call Silent Unity. It’s a prayer line. They pray 24/7 in their prayer chapel if you call them. And they pray for your request for 30 days. So if you call every 30 days (like I do) you never run out of them praying for you, your family or whatever you request! That’s it Wilma my friend!
Good morning Tess! I am so thrilled to have you here!
What are some of your favorite books that you turn to? (Your book is one of my new favorites!!)
Tess,
Over all I am happy and blessed with the life I have. I have my moments and days where I don’t feel that way of course. So when I really think about what I would have different in my life, I realize that it revolves around my role as a step-mom more then anything else.
When I am living my ideal life, I am not at odds with bio-mom.
One thing I’ve realized is we can’t control our thoughts. I’ve accepted this (even if I don’t like it lol). Yet, what I really struggle with is not dwelling on some of these negative thoughts. Maybe not even negative but unproductive. Replaying the situation or scenario to try and change or predict the outcome.
How do I let these thoughts go as quickly as they come? Move on with what I am doing and the rest of my day?
Thanks so much!!
Kristi
Hi Kristi – I know Tess tutors in the morning – she’ll be on soon to answer your awesome question!!
Hi Peggy,
I’ve studied a book called A Course In Miracles. Some of my favorite lessons are:
There is nothing to fear.
I place my future in the hands of God.
Love is the way I walk in gratitude.
Let all things be exactly as they are.
I can elect to change all things that hurt.
I also like Byron Katie’s “1000 Names for Joy! One line I always go back to is “It’s not my turn to suffer.”
I like to remember that when I am tempted to take on the feelings of my aging mom or a family member who is struggling. It makes so much sense doesn’t it?
I also like “The Daily word” and all by Wayne Dyer. I have all of Echart Tolle’s.
One real good one I’ve read lately is “Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow.” By Elizabeth Lesser.
I better stop now and get on to the next comment. I also have stacks of affirmation cards in different places that I made myself. I like to use index cards and colored markers. I think they’re more meaningful when I choose them and write them out myself.
In January I decided I was spending to much money on books. Now I either go to the library or borrow from friends and only buy them occasionally. I’m a recovering bookaholic;)
Now I need to know how you broke your book addiction!
I love Byron Katie, Wayne Dyer, Echart Tolle! I’m a big fan of Joan Chittister – I have “The Story of Ruth” and I’m reading “Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope.”
I like the idea of creating your own affirmation cards – I have index cards that I’ve made taped on my bathroom mirror, the computer monitor, the fridge…Yup…:-)
Kristi,
I do believe we can control our thoughts. Anytime you find yourself thinking negatively about bio-mom put your hand up and say “Stop” to yourself.
Then memorize and use, “I bless you, I release you, I set you free. I allow you to be you and me to be me.” Do this until you feel at peace.
Replace unhappy and unhealthy memories with beautiful memories in your head. If you’re going to replay something make it good! What you focus on expands.
Go to YouTube and put in Byron Katie’s name. Watch some of the videos and how she does her work. You can download free worksheets on her website. Do them everyday. I know I know this sounds like a lot of work but hey soon it will come naturally to you. Just an idea. Take what you like of my ideas and leave the rest.
We cause our own suffering when we demand something different from life. The irrational thought is “this shouldn’t be happening to me.”
Hope this helps. I wish you well Kristi. Thanks for stopping by.
Peggy,
I tutor reading after school. So I’ll be here until 3:00 Eastern time and then later tonight Eastern time. I’ll catch up and answer all questions so nobody has to hold back!
Thank you Tess. I will use the sentiment of allowing our differences and moving on.
I will also be looking for some videos. I have her book, and have several copies fo the work sheets. Although I have done it, probably not near enough. Not daily by any means.
I truly appreciate your feeback! Thanks again!
(For once I’m glad it’s not just me saying “do The Work, do The Work”!! Kristi – I think so many stepmoms got tired of hearing me say “Byron Katie blah blah blah!)
Did I mention I LOVE Byron Katie?
You’ve mentioned it a few time lol
But, even though I need to do it more ~ I do love it. I need to check out her other book.
BTW – what’s a good book for self discpline! I need that so I do the work more often!!
How do you deal with feelings of anger and betrayal from your spouse when you feel they have not supported your role as stepmother to their children?
Tess–
Since Peggy raves about you both, you and Byron Katie on my list of authors to read, unfortunately the public library doesn’t have either of you so you are also on my list of books to buy. Which tends to move slowly!
My question is: I often come across the recommendation to picture my ideal life (as Peggy suggests above) or to picture what my future life looks like; I have a tough time with this. I feel like right now is difficult enough that I can’t even imagine what the future holds, let alone what might possibly be my ideal life. Do you have any thoughts on this?
Peggy, I’ve been meaning to thank you for your special guests this month. They have all been great! And I have participated when possible. Thank you again for all you do.
Tess,
It’s truly an honor to read your words of wisdom, and to be brought to that place of peace, that you so freely offer. I think God has placed a special hand on you. It reaches out in all you do.
I have not gotten your book yet but I will very soon. I love all your book suggestions so far as well. I’m a bookaholic! Me! Me!
I am very blessed in my life. I am joyful and grateful. I’m in the travel industry, which I love. I have a beautiful daughter who is amazing. Now, I have been blessed with a good man who has two precious little girls. My life is so full.
I come from a very tattered past -drugs, alcohol, abuse – every so often it flares up. I try to wear those old pieces and berate myself. Always, I know, they don’t belong there anymore, they don’t fit, and I can’t wear them.
How do you keep forgiveness in the forefront? How do you remind yourself, you are deserving of such a blessed life?
Hi Tess! As a step-parent, there are plenty of situations that I have little to no input on, yet quite often those situations impact me in one way or another, which gets frustrating. I don’t want to go through life resentful, though, so I’m interested to know how you handle resentment.
Peggy,
How well when we moved 2 years ago I gave away a zillion books. I had ceiling to floor bookshelves. Then I realized I was doing it again. And my house is so small here!
I think the less is more movement that Leo promotes influenced me. This was a year ago exactly that I made a list of what I was going to quit purchasing. I decided clothes as well. Then it went to one thing a month for 2009. I wrote it out in January. Then when my husband lost his job I was already prepared. Crazy, eh?
He is since building his biz again here. He’s an accountant and sold his practice in MI before we moved. The Wall St. Journal says today if you do find a job plan on only 3 years and they you’re let go again. Well who needs that so he’s off and running and I’m going to continue to live on less by choice.
I’ve never hear of Joan. Hopefully I’ll find her at the library!
Kristi,
I’m not sure about a book on discipline. I just know once committed to a calm and peaceful life you become willing to do what it takes.
Tess – I definitely will be reading Leo more often…especially since I am heading in a different direction career wise…one that will pay me less dollars but reward me in greater ways!
We’ve got some more great questions that have come in so I’m going to be very quiet now…
Christie,
First I want to acknowledge your anger. I’m not a stepmom so I don’t know how difficult it must be. I do know from clients the difficulty.
Realize that probably most of it is out of your control. I hate to say this because it almost seems cruel. But I have to “Don’t take things personally.” Maybe you’re asking for something he can’t give. Everyone isn’t capable of depth and insight. And although some are capable they aren’t willing.
I would suggest you keep doing the things you do like being a good step mom and let the rest go.
Also a question to ponder is, “Have I forgiven him?” If you have even a tinge of anger etc. you have more forgiveness work to do.
Have you forgiven yourself? You are a great step mom or you wouldn’t be on this blog looking for help.
Anger is like carrying around a ball and chain. It’s tiring. So let it go and keep being the beautiful you.
Drop all expectations of the ex and you won’t be disappointed.
Jessica,
Well if you go to my website http://www.TheBoldLife.com you can download the ebook for free. I decided to do it this way because it’s too good to hold back. We really all are having the same experiences and feelings just with different people and at different times!
Your ideal life. Get out your journal and decide what you want in several areas. Health, Spiritual, Career, etc. Maybe then it won’t be so overwhelming. Also take note of what people you admire are doing. Then ask yourself if you would want something like that.
When ever you have jealous feelings take note of that as well. It means you want it and can have it. Put the energy in going after what you want instead of envy. Take care! And go download my book for free right now. Then put it in a binder or something because you’ll want to underline and come back to certain passages. It’s there for the taking.
Angelia,
Now don’t go putting me on a pedestal because I’ll fall off!
Thanks for the compliment. I do only want to pass on what I’ve learned to others.
How do I keep forgiveness in the forfront? Anytime I’m feeling unhappy it means I have forgiveness work to do. Marrianne Williamson says if we are alive there is someone we need to forgive. (mostly it is me!)
There is a book by Robin Casarjian on Forgiveness. I think you’d like it. She works with prisoners and forgiveness.
I did counseling in a prison in my early years. I saw how truly sorry many of the people were.
I think life is to precious to waste one day being mad or resentfull. We are really all doing the best we know how to do. When we know better we do better.
Also I believe there are only 2 emotions love and fear. So when someone is acting out they are really afraid even if they don’t realize it. When we forgive we don’t say what they did is OK. When we forgive we don’t do it for them. We forgive for ourselves. Without forgiveness there will never be peace. And if we want to live in a world without fear we need to learn to be fearless. If we want to end the war we need to end the war with the people we need to forgive.
Tess,
Thank you for your time.
I have a question about resentment. I often hold a lot of resentment towards my husband for his xwife and children. I resent the nastiness that has consumed parts of my life because of his choice of an xwife. Sounds awful right? Yep, but I have moments like this. I can be mean to him for something that really isnt in his control, or mine for that matter.
The past is the past, today is today, and tomorrow is tomorrow and I have to find a way to accept this.
I have read “Loving What Is” and it has a great way of dealing with things like this and I should read it over and over. What other things can I be doing to help myself get over this negative feeling? How can I not take out my own feelings on my dear husband who doesn’t deserve it?
Thank you, Britany
Kate,
Read the above answer to Angelia. I would suggest a journal. Get a journal and say whatever it is you want to on paper. Every time you’re upset. Don’t do this online. Something happens when you use a pen and paper…
When someone is being unloving it’s our opportunity to show love. When someone is acting crazy it’s an opportunity to show sanity.
Remember we can never solve a problem on the same level it’s created on. So we have to go above the battlefield.
Take your resentment to you Higer Power.
Also I don’t believe in defending myself. When someone says something about me I don’t respond. It just continues to fuel the fire. I just lead my life the best I can and the truth comes out eventually.
Now think about all of the energy it takes to be resentful and play back stuff over and over in your mind. Now ask yourself “What could I do with this energy that would help me?”
One reason I took up running when I was 27 years old was to handle emotions that would otherwise be negative. It worked for me. Find a place to be creative with your emotions rather than putting them into resentment. You’re the one who is suffering nobody else. I hope this helps.
Brittany,
Like Dr. Phil says, “How is this working for you?”
What is the payoff for your anger? There is always a payoff even with our negative stuff. My guess is it allows you to be a victim. Why me? How can he do this too me? etc.
You are on the right track. How about an affirmation that says, “I don’t have to make this mean so much?” There is your point of choice. My guess is also in some area of your life you are unhappy with yourself and you’re projecting it on to the ex and family. Figure it out and deal with it. Then their stuff won’t bother you anymore.
Keep a gratitude journal. You have heaven right under your nose (your current hubby) and your spending your time with resentment.
It’s like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Good luck we all have there in one way or another. I have all the faith in the world in you.
OK I’m off to tutor reading… to my darling 1st grader girls and resisting 8th grade boys. It is so rewarding to contribute and know I’m making a difference!
I’ll be back to answer later tonight. So leave your questions and come check for your answers tonight or tomorrow!
Thank you Tess, I downloaded your e-book. I will look for that book too. What about podcasts? Any podcast you recommend? I just figured out my iPhone and discovered these wonderful things.
Angelia – I’m starting a Radio Show and I know I’m going to have Tess on!! PLUS – if you check out Divatoolbox.com and click on Diva Toolbox Radio, you’ll find a link to all the hosts and their schedules. There’s a few out there who have shows I think you’re looking for (I’ll be one of them once I’m set up!!)
Hi, Tess -
I’m a mother of two, bonus mom to one, and wife of a loving, responsible husband. My question is about blending our family. My bonus daughter has lived with us for about a year now, and as she gets comfortable (and settles into a more typical 14 year old persona), there are aspects of her behavior that I do not want passed on to my biological children. Aside from understanding that this too shall pass and setting limits on unacceptable behavior, is it realistic to think that I can mitigate the impact of the less-positive parts of her behavoir on my biological children? For example, she maintains a type of sarcastic humor that really angers, hurts and frustrates me (and I know that others have been negatively affected by her “humor” as well). Aside from talking about how it affects me when it occurs and letting her come to her own understanding of the results of her behavior, is there a way I can protect my children from learning this behavior or being hurt by it (who are still quite young – 3.5 and almost 2) without distancing them from each other?
And my completion of the prompt: When I am living my ideal life, I am nurturing those around me, enjoying their company, and balancing the care I provide to others with the care I provide for myself. I am able to step back and look at the big picture so that I can let the little things go.
Thanks for your help -
Lauren
Oh I love reading all the questions and comments. So much wealth, thank you both Peggy and Tess for unleashing all this.
I want to say thanks for Tess’ comment and for me the bracelet stands out. My mind is so strong, I love doing something physical to quiet it, so polishing something would really help me to focus and have a real anchor for peace.
You are a champ Tess and a pedestal it is, if you want to or not.
Hi Wilma! I KNEW having Tess on here was a MUST! She’s a gem and shines brightly! I knew I needed to connect her to a group of women who could use her wisdom!
Angelina,
No, I don’t listen to many podcasts. I just figured out my ipod with my grandduaghter!LOL Good for you and your iphone!
Peggy,
A radio show too?!? You’re really burning rubber! Oh I think being on your radio show would be lots of laughs;)
Lauren,
Do you give her consequences for this behavior? If not dicuss her behavior, tell her it’s unacceptable and give consequences. Or turn it around and reward her for not doing it.
Under all sarcasm is hurt and anger. Is there a therapist she can talk to? If she could deal with that it would change things.
Is she in a youth group? Get her involved in social things that also would offer her support. It’s a tough situation and I hope this helps.
I love your ideal life!
Wilma,
I’m glad you liked the bracelet idea. Whatever word you need to be reminded of will work.
And didn’t we have this pedestal chat over on your blog a few weeks ago.
Thanks so much for your love and support. I appreciate it!
Peggy,
This was so fun! Let me know who the winner of the book is and I send a magic wand as well. Hugs and love, Tess
Tess, thank you for your response! How gracious of you to offer your book as a free download! I just put it on my computer. I will try your suggestions.
One more thing…as I was reading my affirmation cards I came across two that may help anyone with resentment and/or forgiveness.
I don’t know where I got them so I can’t give anyone credit. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind me passing them on to help others because that’s why they were written.
“I release you and pray that you walk with angels. I release you and wish you happiness.”
“I forgive you, I surround you with love and light and I do the same for myself.”
“Dear God, I surrender to you my past relationships. Teach me how to forgive, that I might be weighed down no longer. I release those who’ve wounded me. May they find their joy. My I be forgiven, may all of us find true peace.”
“Remember when you meet anyone they are going through a great war.” Emerson
Hugs to all!