October 26th Guest of Honor Elaine Gaither!
Congratulations KELLY (with a Y!) Please email me with your snail mail info because you’ve won a signed copy of Jennifer Newcomb Marine’s book, “No One’s the Bitch!”
I am so excited to introduce you to Elaine Gaither! Elaine is an expert on tweens and teens ~ she’s Your Parent Partner!
About Elaine
Guiding your teen to adulthood is the most challenging and rewarding role that you will experience as a parent. However, often times the focus is solely on the teen and not the parent. I am dedicated to helping parents through your teens’ transition from adolescence to adulthood.
–Bachelor of Science in Nursing: Indiana University, 1982
–Certificate in Coaching: EduCoach, 2001
–Certificate in Circle of Life Group Coaching: 2005
–Certified as a Holistic Stress Management Instructor: 2005
In addition, I have six years of experience in Adolescent Psychiatric nursing at St. Vincent Stress Center, Indianapolis and five years as Youth Minister. My most rewarding role is being a Mom to my two sons, ages 21 and 26.
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Ladies, grab your coffee or hot mocha and join the discussion as Elaine provides tips, tools and advice to help YOU guide your step kids through the murky maze of adolescence. And if you don’t have a tween or teen concern, you may have a stress management concern and Elaine can help with that, too!
One lucky stepmom will win a a copy of Elaine’s 7 Steps to Peace of Mind Parenting (and those of us with teens, could use some peace of mind!!) ~ but you gotta play to win. Along with your question or comment, what was the silliest thing you did as a teenager? What did you do that caused your parents to age overnight?
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Good morning Elaine and thank you so much for joining us here on The Stepmom’s Toolbox!
Can you tell me when you will be having your next teleseminar on “Lies to the Wise?” and what that seminar is all about? What are some of the things you cover in that hour?
Good Morning Peggy,
Glad to join you for this great opportunity to talk to Mom’s about teens!
I sponsor teleseminars on the 3rd Thursday of the month from 7-8:00PM (EST)
These funfilled (1hr) sessions are for like minded parents to explore common topics that they have requested.
Some of the topics have been:
Lies to the Wise”- Teen Lying: knowing the signs, dealing with this behavior (by the way, it is normal for teens to lie), see why they lie and how they do it…this is also useful to catch anyone in a lie:)
Other seminars have been:” Who is Pushing YOUR Hot Buttons? “(About manipuating)
and, “Turning Doos Slammers into Door Openers” (enhancing communication skills)
If anyone has a topic that you would like to see addressed…let me know and I will do a seminar for that issue…
Thanks Peggy for asking
I’ve already got a dramatic, sometimes dishonest (in BIG ways!) teen step-son.
If my step-daughter has already been a habitual (MAJOR) liar, ill-natured, conniving and just completely unpleasant person, do you think it’s going to be a whole lot worse when she’s a teen? (She’s almost 12 now. Seems to get worse and worse w/ age.) Is there any hope?
Thanks,
bunny
Elaine,
Bunny and I are in the same boat – we both have pathological lying stepkids and we’re custodial step moms – meaning the kids are with us instead of mom.
I was a teenage liar, but still the behavior confounds me. Why? Why do teens lie and why are some worse than others? (Neither of my daughters, who are now 25 and 22 lied to me…they tried, but gave up once they figured out that I’d find out anyways…)
I know you cover this in your teleseminar, and trust me, I’ll be on the next one because it takes, on average, seven times to hear or read the information before it sinks in.
Thanks!
Hi Elaine,
Thanks so much for your time!!!
My 11-yr-old stepson is caught in the zone of not quite a kid and not quite a teen. He’s becoming quite emotional, argumentative and sulks quite a bit. Of, course these are normal behaviors…my husband and I understand, call him on innappropriate behavior and support him when he’s feeling “lost”.
The problem is that at his mom’s house, he is treated very much like a child (she still doesn’t want to tell him about SANTA!!!). She and his 15-yr old older sister SCREAM at him regularly and do not really listen to him.
My husband and I are considering approaching her about giving us primary custody of him (we see him wed night and fri-sun). I don’t want to yank him out of the world that has been his constant if this is just normal life. I was raised with parents who TOTALLY understood the teenage thing and I am not at all familiar with this yelling, screaming, non-listening environment that I have been seeing when I go to step-son and his mom’s house.
I know you can’t give me a recommendation since you don’t know my step-son and you would probably need me to write a book to cover the 2 home environments that he experiences, but do you have any suggestions or thoughts? Is yelling and battling part of the “growing up” experience? Is the fact that we don’t do it in our home “spoiling” him?
I have a 16 year old step daughter. She is a very good kid. Have been married to her dad for 20 months. As you can imagine, her friends are quite important to her. We have told her that she is very welcome to have her friends over, spend the night, etc. When we were first married she had lots of friends over. Bio mom found out and all that activity stopped. Now when she is with us she spends almost all of her time at her friends’ house – day and night. Do you have any suggestions for helping her feel comfortable again having friends in our home?
Sorry,
My computer has been on the fritz…back again…
Hi Bunny- I think that the sooner you get on board with your 12 year old, the easier the teen years will be- the bar just gets higher and higher and wee need to polish our armor before they get older. So, 12 is a great age for you to get the 7 Steps to peace of Mind Parneting. these tips are for YOIU and to help you transition your step daughter and son into teen and adulthood
My Lies to the Wise teleseminar is not in an article form- but we can talk if you like.
Peggy,
Unfortuneately, it is normal for teens to lie- if truth be told, we probably lied too…nobody is going to come home and say, “Mom, I just had great sex in the car”, or, ” My friends and I just got high (again)”
However- we do need to address lying and redirect them, cal them on it and say it is not OK
For example, My son came home with a smoke smell on his coat- he said, “O, it was from being in the Tommy’s house- his parents smoke” They tell us just enough to make it seem beieveable…..but, HIS coat wouldn’t have smelled that bad…so, I looked for other signs (burns inthe back seat of the car, etc) and confronted him.
Make sure you have solid “evidence” before confronting them or they will be “indignant”- especially if you are wrong
Knowing the signs of lying- ie non verbal behavior is the key!!
1) avoiding eye contact- looking down (so that they can think of something to say)
2) TOOOO much eye contact- trying to convince you
3) Avoiding a conversation- turing away
4) Figeting- moving from side to side
5) Hands touching mouth or face- “speak no evil”
I can give you some of the teens favorite lies and reasons for lying if that will help…
Really Really,
Thanks for your input…I DO feel for you re the different environments. It must be terribly frustrating to send your step son back and forth- it seems as if it undermines your efforts.
However- keep to YOUR values and beliefs- it sounds like you & hubby are on the same page, so stay consistent with what you do at your house (and, KUDOS to YOU)!!
Yelling is never OK- it is NOT the communication of choice. I worte and article about it on http://www.yourparentpartner.com- click on role model and the article, “Because I said so” will come up-
I used to YELL at my kids- (didn’t everyone?) I learned that they tune you out and only “do something” when you yell. Also, from working in Adolescent Psych nursing, I have seen what yelling does to the psyche of kids…NOT good
So, if mothing else- keep up your standards and be an example for the Mom. Your steop son will be grateful for your efforts…maybe the Mom can get on YPP’s website too- then you could all be on the same page- or at least have some common ground to have a discussion
Hope this helps
I fell into the category #2 – I always made eye contact when I lied as a teenager. And I lied about stoopid stuff…
My stepson lies about everything. He lies about cleaning his room, washing his hands, doing his homework (that’s the big one!) He even LIED to a cop a few months ago for doing something really stupid that he got caught at. With him, I no longer need “solid” evidence. I can tell he’s lying just by watching his body language (which is how I knew he was lying to the cop) – he twitches all over the place.
I know I lied because for me, it was a game. I don’t remember lying when I was younger, but I remember lying from about age 12 until I moved out. Then I really couldn’t lie…I became the owner of my life when I was 19 and made a commitment of integrity and honesty to myself (and went about the business of mending my relationship with my mom and dad)
Elaine – we have a question from Ellen – for some reason it posted a bit late…
Hi all,
You have inspired me! Here are some more tips for teen lying- it is an acquired skill
Most teens think…
1) If you don’t catch them, it is not a lie (wrong!) In fact, by the time you catch them, it is NOT the first time
2 )If you get caught in a lie, tell another one and keep telling them to cover them up- but, keep it simple so that you can remember your lies and keep your story straight
3)The key to lying is to not tell the whole truth- just enough to sound good (like my son)
4)If you hear an especially “good” lie from someone else- use it!
When caught dead to rightin a lie teens may still…
1)Lie again
2) use guilt- ” I can’t beleive you don’t trust me”
3)Also, they will get their best friend to cover up a lie-” I went to Susie’s last night”- when out w/ boyfriend instead…but, if caled, Susie will verify that your daughter was with her…see what I mean??
Ellen,
Wow- thanks for the input. I am wondering what happened after the Mom found out and why the friends had to stop coming to your house.
Just being there for her, encouraging her to have friends over at your house, being involved, etc is the best advice. Being “present” for your teens and spending at least 30 minutes with her everyday is important. You are the barometer of knowing her feelings, emotions, etc- you need to see if there are any deviations. Make sure she knows that you are there for her, to listen to her no matter what. Also, have a safe place or her to talk to you about anyting without “getting in trouble’
That is why it is imortant for her to spend some time with you on YOUR days too.Plus, she needs to know wthat your relationship is important to her. I think that incorporating/inviting her friends into your activies is a great idea. ALL parents have a smaller window of opportunity to be with our kids as they get older- but making the time COUNT- quality vs quantity is the key
Again, I would direct the Mom to http://www.yourparentpartner.com- maybe she can get some ideas on how to be on the same page…
Thanks for sharing
Peggy,
I think as teens weALL lied to one extent- it is part of “identity formation”- growing into your own self. We all feel bad about lying, it doesn’t even feel right….but, it is a coping mechanism teens use to survive.
Knowing our values and beliefs is one of the biggest parts of the 7 Steps to Peace of Mind Parenting. Our teens see what we live and they will come around like Peggy said when they want to make a committment for honesty and intergirty for themselves (well said Peggy)
They need to make the decision to NOT lie. In the mean time, we can be supportive, redirect them, and model what the truth is for ourselves too.
Also, look at the patterns…if the lying gets worse and if it is causing danger to themselves or others
Good eye Peg for noticing the signs of lying
Yet another unsolicited bit of advice on lying..
Here are tips if you want to confront lying behavior:
1) Approach and confront the person calmly and immediately- also matter of factly
2) Find out what is motivating them to lie
3) Probe the reason the person is lying – don’t lecture
4) Explain to them that you want to trust them and that lying erodes your trust
5) Once trust is broken, it is hard to earn back-explain the consequences for future lying and be consistent. Ask them what they feel is a fair consequence- get their input
You can turst people with some things and not others- just b/c you have caught them in a lie, doesn’t mean they are lying about everything…BUILDING TRUST is the key
Good Luck
Did I say that these tips are good for ALL relationships??
Peggy,
Here are some reasone “why” teens may lie:
#1- They don’t want to get in trouble
#2 They could have fallen into bad influences and want to lie to fit in
#3 They may lie b/c they feel bad about themselves and lies help them feel better
#4 Lying is a coping mechaniism
No matter what the reasons, you want your teen to know where you stand about lying( your values and beliefs) and that there will be unpleasant consequences in the future
Elaine,
This is AWESOME and not unsolicited! So many of us are dealing with teenagers that “if their lips are moving, they are lying” My stepson simply lies about everything. There is no trust. He has no credibility. He dug himself a hole so deep that I don’t think even he can see his way out. Lying isn’t a game to him (like it was to me) It’s a long ago learned coping mechanism…? Maybe? I know his lying predates me…(he was 14 when his dad and I got married)
I wonder if it’s worse in him because he’s a) the youngest of four, b)diagnosed with ADHD when he was three, c) socially and learning delayed, d) does not have friends in his peer group, e) the social misfit?
I could use all the help I could get in this department!
I was actually a pretty decent teenager – I did do a lot of driving with friends, let friends drive my car and we weren’t always the safest I know I aged my parents over this one!!!
Hi Jamie,
Do you have a particular question or questions for Elaine?
I’ll be away from my computer for a bit. Hubby and I are off to buy a brand new 2009 truck…our way of keeping the global economy roaring (or spitting)
I’ll be back later this afternoon…but keep your questions coming in!!
HI Peggy,
I will man the blog while youare gone:)
In response to your quandry about your step son- I do not think there are any excuses-ADHD, socially learning delayed, social misfit, etc. He can be accountable for his behavior.
Maybe if this is a normal behavior for him- the other kids might see/feel the lying too. He might think about being honest in all of his relationships (easier said than done) I know that you are a strong role model and will redirect him into being honest
Maybe you can tell him that you want to build trust and give him things that he can be successful with.i Praise and reinforce any behaviors that build trust (especially if he does not lie) If his habitual lying continues, you may want a second therapists opinion just to be on the safe side…how old id he now??
Another thought is that when we lie is the worst b/c we are lying to ourselves!! You cannot hide anything from the universe- you may be able to get away with lying to others, but in the long run, you are not only hurting yourself, but the universe corrects itself and you will eventually get biten in the butt!!
HI Jamie,
What kinds of things would you like to talk about?? I can talk about any parenting teens issue…
I basically am an advocate for parents b/c we are dying on the vine while our teens have tons of resources and people looking out for them (principals, teachers, athletic coaches, youth inisters, etc) and, THANK GOD for that!!
However, parents are the #1 role model for your teen- so, never relinquish that role.
I also advocate self care for parents and a change of mindset so that you are not getting sucked into the teen dysfunction and you are more aware and alert to help them transition…I call it responding vs reacting
let me know your specific ??
I’m confused….can you go into more detail about lying as a “coping mechanism”? How does it help a teenager to cope? Maybe a hypothetical example?
Really Really,
Thanks for asking…
Teens lie because they are afraid of making you mad or possibly of getting into trouble. They are experimenting with behaviors (sex, drugs, alcohol, driving without our permission…the list goes on). They need to experiement for identity formation- in order to find out “who they are ” and who they want to be. This contributes to their independence in the long run.
Unfortunately, some of the experimenting involves cover up- b/c who is going to say,” I just had sex” -yikes!
I am not condoming lying, but tryin to put it into perspective
It is best to keep the lines of communication open early and often re “rsiky behaviors” -ie drugs, sex, etc. That way, you have established a trusting relationship and hopefully less need for lying
Even thought they are becoming more idependent- they need us more now than ever- trust me I fell into the “they don’t need me trap”- not pretty!! it took a year to heal my relationship w/ my oldest son.
Hope this helps
Really Really,
Thanks for asking…
Teens lie because they are afraid of making us mad or getting into trouble. So, they cover up their “risky behaviors” ie- sex, drugs, alcohol, driving without permission- the list goes on. They will never come home and say, “I just hasd sex”- yikes!!
My advice would be to talk about “risky behaviors” early and often and how they relate to your families values and beliefs- ie not just talk about sex, but about relationships, how to treat thier boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. OR not just about drugs but their affects, the law, dangers of drinking/driving, consequences, etc
Unfortunaetly, teens are experimenting with behaviors to try on “who they want to be” in order to achieve identity formation- they have to do it. I am not condoning what they are doing (poor choices, poor impulse control, etc) but just the “WHY” of what is going on
Teens need us to be present now than ever- trust me, I fell into that, “they don’t need me” trap- not pretty…it took a year to heal my relationship w/ my oldest son!
An example of covering up is: they might smoke a cigarette to cover up the pot smell- then they can say, “I was just smoking a cigarette”…one lie after another builds up
Hope this helps
Really Really,
Thanks for asking…
Teens lie because they are afraid of making us mad or getting in trouble. They cover up “risky behaviors” (sex, drugs, alcohol,etc) because they are experiemneting with “who they are” and “who they want to be”. This is normal for identity formation, independece and becoming an adult…unfortunately!!
I am not condomning their behavior, but trying to give you the why. Our teens need us to be present more now than ever. trust me, I fell into the” they don’t need me trap” and, it was NOT pretty. It took a year to heal my relationship with my oldset son.
They are sneaky- nobody is going to come home and say,”I just had sex”- yikes!
Here is am example of a cover up: When my son smelled like smoke he said, ” I just had a cigarette (but he smoked that to cover up the smell of pot) He was telling the truth, but not the whole truth.
Hope this helps
Hi all,
I am open to any and all questions. Also, you can go to : http://www.yourparentpartner.com and click on any of the articles and blogs to continue a conversation about your topic of choice.
I will be hangin out here for about another hour….keep the questions, concerns and issues coming:)
I am going to throw a question ot there…
Do all of you take 30 minutes to YOURSELF each day?? I know, you’re thinking, ” is this woman insane??”
Self Care is NOT selfish. In fact, if you do not recharge, you will not have anyting to give! You can’t drive on an empty tank.
You could take time for: 3(10) minutes, 2(15) or 1 (30) minute interval. There are TONS of FREE and easy ways to take care of yourself. As a Holistic Stress management Instructor and Coach, I am open to discussing differnt types of self care;)
Elaine,
One of things I’ve counseled Junior on is that the person he hurts the most when he’s lying is himself. BTW, he’s 17…going to be 18 in April! And he’s no where near ready for ‘real’ life.
But real life is coming
Peggy,
Glad you brought up his seeming immaturity for his age (frustrating!!) They want to be an adult b/c chronologically they are “considered” adults at age 18–BUT , and a BIG but…they act like they are in 3rd grade with NO hope of the light bulb going on- am I right??
It is b/c thier brains are literally NOT developed yet- sad but true- I was blown away by this one too
Their frontal lobe (behind the forhead) is the last to develop- that is where judgement, impulse control and decision making are created) SO no wonder they are operating on a dim bulb.I PROMISE the light will come on between 18-21 (not what you were wanting to hear. You WILL know it when you see it- it i slike a HUGE AH HA momnet when it occurs
Again, I am NOT making excuses for them- but physiologically, we are doomed until the controltower is operating
Keep deep breathing, praying and being supportive of Junior
WOW! I apologize for the typos. I would say that my computer is sticking or skipping…but that is a huge excuse and not acceptable. We need to take accountability for our actions too:)
Excuses Be Gone is Wayne Dyer’s new book- I highly recommend it…it makes you take accountability. There are 18 different common excuses that we use. It is a fascinating book:)
Off on a tangent again:)
Oy! The old frontal lobe…”we are doomed until the control tower is operating” – OMG…that made my laugh!
I LOVE Wayne Dyer, so I’m going to have to check out “Excuses Be Gone” – Kind funny, but I just posted on my other blog, http://serendipitysmiles.com “What’s Your Excuse?”
I’m off to Thai Kickboxing class…
Elaine – thanks so very much for your time here today! You’ve given us VALUABLE information, insight, and wisdom!
Thank you!!
Peggy,
It is at the top of the hour (5PM) so I am off to walk my 2 Newfoundland dogs/girls on this beautiful day.
I will check in after dinner to see if we get any other blogs during the dinner hour.
Thanks for the opportunity to be your guest and friend on FB
My highest and best on YOUR Parenting Journey,
Elaine
Hi,
I think kids lie especially when we back them in a corner. Once there they have no way out.
Don’t confront your kids when you are angry or upset. Do you have them as guilty before they have a chance to answer?
One way to speak calmly is to say,”I’m wondering if…”
I’m wondering if you started smoking
I’m wondering if you did your homework
I’m wondering if you were drinking this weekend
This done in a calm manner will help them not to be so defensive. They may lie anyway but at least you’re not freakin out.
Kids lie because they are no different than their parents. We lie. If anyone denies lying just ask them about paying their taxes!
When my oldest was 16 we found alcohol in her overnight bag. We accused her drinking. She denied it and said she allowed her friends to borrow her bag. It was their alcohol but her bag. Of course I didn’t believe her. I was wrong. She’s 37 today and once in a while brings up about how hurt she was that I thought she was drinking.
So we parents sometimes will never know the truth.
Sometimes kids lie because they can’t win. They’re in trouble if they lie and their in trouble if they don’t.
This is partly why it’s difficult to raise children!
My second child I always believed and found later she was the one who was always doing things she shouldn’t.
Hi Elaine!
I’m not sure if you are still around. I missed the out Thursday on your call conference, but very glad to catch a lof of good info here about lying teens.
I was a terrible teen. Went joyriding in my step dad’s car at 13 yrs old, pick up friends, and was drinking. Ran away at 13 for a night and most of the next day. Had parties when my parents were out of town. I’m actually amazed I even made it to adulthood. (yikes) My step dad’s hair was totally white.
My teeanger is 15yrs old. She is incredible. Smart, easy going, funny, does what she is told. She doesn’t talk back, or yell. I keep waiting for something “bad” to happen – for her to suddenly rebel and be a normal teen.
Maybe, I am missing something? Our main problem would be boundaries. The last minute I have project due tomorrow and she doesn’t have the suppplies, so I have to drop everything and assist. Is it too late to establish boundaries at her age?
HI Tess,
Kudos to you for adding more expertise on the subject of lying…great info and advice!!
I know what you mean about your daughter, but she did have it in her back pack and needed to take responsibiltiy for that- my son did the same thing- he was always doing it for a friend. When my son was a Freshman, he asked if he could have a drink at the parties as a “prop” so he wouldn’t look like a nerd…problem was when he kept “refilling” his “prop”…we can laugh now, but it wasn’t as funny then
That is another good point. If parents aren’t stressed out too- we can be more objective, calm and lighthearted…keeping our sense of humor. We really don’t have to go to the mat for everything.
Thanks tons for your insight and interest,
Elaine
Angelia,
Count your blessings- your daughter sounds like a dream. You know, depending on how old you are, you might have been in the Baby Boomer generation (like me) It was drugs sex and rock and roll- lots of turbulent times in our country! Then there was GenX – the products of the Baby Boomers and victim of divorce and unstable marriages/parenting/relationships.
This generation- the Millennials- born 1982-2000 is the MOST hopeful generation in 100 years! They actually admit to loving their parents, are scholastically advanced/achievers, college oriented, inclusive (they do not know predudice), travel in groups, are multi taskers, techy oriented, service oriented and basically spiritually oriented- sound like your daughter??
My son procrastimates too-a sign of perfectionism- they want to have an excuse to NOT be perfect! Bounadries, expectarions, and limits are always good-never too late. Discussing, negotiating and compromising on a behavior plan (with consequences) is a good way to go- but, be sure to get her input.
Go to http://www.yourparentpartner and look up Empowering Creative Discipline articles
You really sound very fortunate…give her a kiss & hug tonight from you & me:)
Elaine
Ladies – thank you so very much for your participation today! Elaine – YOU ROCK! Great, great info! Now…if you could do one more thing – pick a winner for your 7 Steps to Peace of Mind Parenting! I will announce the winner on Wednesday when we have our last Guest of Honor, the one and only Tess Marshall!