October 22nd Guest of Honor ~ Brenda Ockun!
Congratulations Angelia! You are the winner of a signed copy of Jacquelyn Fletcher’s awesome book, “Becoming a Stepmom!” Woo Hoo!
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Would you be surprised if I told you StepMom Magazine was the one magazine I look for at the beginning of every month? I am so honored to introduce you all to the fabulous stepmom, Brenda Ockun, who brings us this amazing magazine every month!
About Brenda
Brenda Ockun is the founder and publisher of StepMom Magazine - a subscription-based, on-line magazine that features monthly articles, information and a support group forum for women who have assumed the role of stepmom either by marriage or long-term relationship. The publication’s mission is to educate, support, and inspire women and to dispel common misconceptions and raise understanding about step-life.
StepMom Magazine is written by a team of qualified stepfamily experts including: licensed therapists, stepfamily professionals, legal consultants, published authors and veteran stepmoms (including ME!)
Brenda lives in upstate New York with her husband and has two stepkids, ages 13 and 15.
Not only do I write for StepMom Magazine, but I look forward to my copy every single month. It’s a treasure trove of valuable information, legal advice, family advice, and I hear Erin Walter will have a financial advice column starting in November! If you don’t already subscribe, YOU WANT TO…and here are TEN REASONS WHY!
Ladies, grab your coffee and your zero calorie donut or breakfast streusel because it’s time to talk all things stepmom with Brenda! One lucky stepmom will receive an introductory subscription to StepMom Magazine! But…you have to participate to be in the drawing. In addition to asking Brenda question or posting a comment, please share what you love about being a stepmom!
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Good morning ladies! Brenda will be on around 10AM EST. But the forum is open for questions!
Hi Brenda and thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us on The Stepmom’s Toolbox today! Let me begin by asking the simple question – why a magazine for StepMoms? (brilliant idea, by the way!) What prompted you to create this?
Hi Brenda
I know that, like me, you are a Child-free stepmum! What helped you to make the difficult decision not to have children? Do you think that having stepkids influenced your decision at all?
Bec xxx
Good Morning!!! I’m so happy to be here – thank you Peggy for organizing this wonderful month of Q & A’s.
Peggy – I’ll answer your question first. Why a magazine for stepmoms? A few reasons. When I became a stepmom 7 years ago, I searched high and low for information, answers, help. I was dealing with kids with loyalty issues and an angry ex. I was adjusting to going from being without kids to having to share my space with little people. I was struggling to define what I was supposed to be – an aunt figure? A big sister type? I had only one other friend who was a stepmom – and she was the only person I felt really, truly “understood”. There were only a few books on the subject and very few web sites or on line resources. I cobbled together information as best I could – but often wished there was an “all in one” resource that could answer my many questions. Fast forward to 2008. When a friend referred to me as “just the stepmom” I realized that not only are people insensitive to stepfamily issues, society in general doesn’t understand the complicated dynamics within stefamily situations. I wanted to change that and help other women who I knew were struggling with the same issues. I did some research and found that there are magazines for every subject under the sun – except stepfamilies. Being in marketing, I coordinate projects for a living so I wanted to create what I couldn’t find. This project has proven to be the most fun and the most fulfilling.
Brenda,
I am SO glad you started StepMom! Every month it gets better and better and I can’t wait for November’s issue to come out =)
Hello La Belle Mere!
Your question:
I know that, like me, you are a Child-free stepmum! What helped you to make the difficult decision not to have children? Do you think that having stepkids influenced your decision at all?
My answer…
Wow, that’s a tough question to answer. People tend to assume that having children is something everyone should or will do and the social pressure to multiply can be intense. I have fielded questions and comments on the subject for the better part of my adult life which often made me second guess my choices. But ultimately, my life is very full and I don’t fundamentally think that kids are a mandatory element in a marriage. Do I wonder what it would be like to have an “ours” baby? Sure. I think that’s only natural when you finally meet the guy of your dreams. But I was aware that while an ours baby sounds romantic, the reality wouldn’t measure up to the problem-free fantasy. (See Wednesday Martin’s article in our October issue about having an OURS baby) I did consider how another child might affect my stepkids but I don’t think having them influenced my decision…okay, maybe it did just a little. Ultimately, I’m comfortable with my choices.
Brenda–
Thank you for the StepMom Magazine! I enjoy each issue and appreciate the fact that your contributors (Peggy included obviously!) are so approachable. Not only did Lara kindly help me out last week, but I’ve discussed my stepchildren’s (lack of) style with Heidi. I like that each issue gives me something new to think about.
Do you have any hopes/plans/dreams about moving from an electronic publication to a print one?
Jessica – So glad to hear that Lara, our legal editor and Heidi, our fashion editor were able to help! They are both awesome!
I would love nothing more than to someday see printed copies of StepMom Magazine on news stands everywhere! Starting electronically allowed me to reach women all over the country much faster, easier and more cost efficiently than having to incur print, production and distribution costs. (Which are soooooo high!) Sadly, even publishers like Conde Nast have recently had to pull some of their print publications out of circulation. StepMoms are a growing audience and it’s only been within the last 12 months that we’ve started “coming out” to talk about step-life. So I think there is no where to go but up! But for now, I’m thrilled to be able to reach so many women from the US, Canada and the UK over the internet.
Brenda – what are your plans for the magazine in 2010?
Brenda! I love the magazine, and am so grateful that you’ve allowed me to be a part of it! Thank you! I find the articles are insightful and really fun to read, even the ones that shine a light on the lesser known “facts” of step-dom.
So, to the questions… are you ready?
As a stepmom with 8 years of experience, when does that competition thing end? I keep thinking that it will “just go away”, but then, there it is again! *bang head on brick wall*. How do you, as a stepmom, step out/ away from the competitive “thing”? I find that the bio-mom initiates most of this, and I struggle to NOT respond in kind. Le Sigh… It’s very frustrating.
EWG
Hi Brenda,
I know that your husband’s ex-wife lives nearby, and I was wondering how you deal with conflict between you, her, your husband, and the kids. I saw your Good Morning America interview, and at least to me, it seemed like she was playing the brutally abandoned woman/mother card. How have you and your family been dealing with that drama in your lives? In the last issue of StepMom Magazine, it also seemed like you guys might be making some progress since you mentioned that the ex bought you a T-shirt celebrating National Stepfamily Day. If you guys are making progress in decreasing the tension between the households (if there still is any), how did you manage to do that? What tips would you give to other stepmothers who are struggling to deal with ex-wife drama?
Thanks!
Brenda,
I love my stepdaughter as my own, even though we don’t get to see her often and she lives very far away (currently we are stationed in Japan, and she is in Michigan). Do you have any tips on how to stay involved in her life when we are so far away, when her mother wants my husband and I (and our families) to seems like “distant friends” instead of like family? This is something we struggle with, because she is so important to us, and we never want her to feel like she’s less important than our biological children.
Thanks for the response, Brenda. As a librarian, I see first-hand how the publishing industry is cutting back expenses and either ceasing publication of print materials (gasp! Gourmet!!) or printing fewer issues.
Perhaps StepMom Magazine is on the cutting-edge of a sea change!
Peggy:
The plans for the magazine in 2010 are to continue to grow and expand and reach as many stepmoms as possible. I receive comments all the time from people who either found us online or through a friend. I’d like to start working with counselors, schools and hopefully the mass media to get more visibility for the magazine in order to help more stepmoms. Plans for 2010 also include adding to our team of 20+ writers and to seek support in the form of sponsorships and advertising in order to expand and enhance the web site. Whew. No wonder I drink so much coffee!
Jessica – I think so – media is becoming more electronic…our news, our recipes, our support groups…are all on line these days, so perhaps we’re right on track with an eZine. Who would have guessed?
Katherine wrote:
I know that your husband’s ex-wife lives nearby, and I was wondering how you deal with conflict between you, her, your husband, and the kids. I saw your Good Morning America interview, and at least to me, it seemed like she was playing the brutally abandoned woman/mother card. How have you and your family been dealing with that drama in your lives? In the last issue of StepMom Magazine, it also seemed like you guys might be making some progress since you mentioned that the ex bought you a T-shirt celebrating National Stepfamily Day. If you guys are making progress in decreasing the tension between the households (if there still is any), how did you manage to do that? What tips would you give to other stepmothers who are struggling to deal with ex-wife
Oh Katherine! Where do I even start with this one?! I will answer your last question first – My big tip for the day for those who are struggling with how to deal with an ex-wife…drum roll…don’t.
Seriously, just don’t. Limit contact and conversation. When my sister and I argued as kids, my mother used to say, if you don’t have anything nice to say to each other, keep your mouths shut. Good plan. You won’t regret tomorrow what you didn’t say out loud today. Ladies…You didn’t marry and consequently divorce his ex wife, did you? You didn’t have kids with her did you? So, why now, do YOU have to deal with her if she’s not agreeable to being agreeable? You shouldn’t, the husband should. It is his responsibility. Repeat after me: HIS RESPONSIBILITY.
So often, stepmoms “step in” and run the household, tend to the details. In difficult situations where emotions from the ex run high, the husbands should be the ones to handle the details: the pick up times, the drop offs, the vacation schedules, the doctor’s invoices and licking the stamp that goes on the child support check. The stepmom’s role? Support hubby. Be his sounding board. And if you have “drama” remember that drama breeds drama…unless you opt out. Once you’re on the merry-go-round with her, it’s hard to jump off…so disengage yourself from that game. Refuse to play it. You will always be able to hold your head high – especially in front of your stepkids – knowing that unspoken anger is never regretted.
Speaking of that, you mentioned the t-shirt and our appearance on GMA. I will start a new post and address them both…
Hi Brenda – two questions came in while I was at the gym…one from Bloom and one from Elizabeth…
By the way…Elizabeth: I LOVE YOUR RECIPES!!
Hi Brenda,
First, thank you for the magazine. Second, and this is a very specific question, who do you think about social media for women with stepkids? Is it helping? Or is it stopping us from making real, in-person connections? I’m amazed by the resources out there and the means for getting them on everyone’s radar. Then again, I wonder, is this somehow getting in the way of the kind of face to face contact that everyone, especially stepmoms with their higher rates of anxiety and depression, also need? I also wonder how the other stepmoms reading right now feel about social media for stepmoms.
Again thanks for your great magazine!
xx wednesday
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.
author, Stepmonster
http://www.wednesdaymartin.com
Continued…GMA and t-shirts…
I guess our story is not unlike most who have experience with divorce, remarriage and stepkids. Each person, in our cast of characters has an opinion of how things were, are or should be. We don’t always see the same picture through the same lens. But over time, I think we’ve all become better at dealing with and respecting each other. And while I don’t speak for the kids’ mom, I do think it’s fair to say that the GMA report was not really what either one of us thought it would be going into it. We discussed in advance and had both hoped the network would show stepmoms and mothers working together…not pitted against.
We’ve had our ups and downs over the years. There have been times I’ve reached out only to pull back later, and she the same. I bought her a gift when she had a baby a few years back…she invited us in for drinks when we picked the kids up one Christmas…despite those efforts there were still times when we both avoided each other at various events…and so goes the dance. She surprised me on Stepfamily Day with a t-shirt and recognition that this was “my” day as she called it. A huge olive branch. Will we stumble again? I told her I was sure we might – but that THIS time, one of us must vow to put on our big girl panties if the other couldn’t, and continue to build bridges. We’re not perfect. But we’re trying.
also, that neither I, nor the kids mom thought that GMA did a great job on reporting about stepmoms and moms can work together – which what we had Realizing that, I think
whoops – delete those last 2 sentences! You can see I was wordsmithing!
Oh my! New posts…hold on while I grab more coffee and get to each one in order!
Elizabeth Wrote:
Brenda! I love the magazine, and am so grateful that you’ve allowed me to be a part of it! Thank you! I find the articles are insightful and really fun to read, even the ones that shine a light on the lesser known “facts” of step-dom.
So, to the questions… are you ready?
As a stepmom with 8 years of experience, when does that competition thing end? I keep thinking that it will “just go away”, but then, there it is again! *bang head on brick wall*. How do you, as a stepmom, step out/ away from the competitive “thing”? I find that the bio-mom initiates most of this, and I struggle to NOT respond in kind. Le Sigh… It’s very frustrating.
Elizabeth:
Thank you for the kind words! I am so glad you enjoy the articles – and even more grateful that you share your amazing culinary talents with us each month.
hmmmm, the competition thing. I will quote my husband who has said the following phrases about a thousand times since we’ve been together: take the higher road, stay the course, live your life. Personally, I think we have to train ourselves to control certain mental patterns – and the competition game can go on forever if we let it. It’s only natural to compare yourself to others and want to do your best – but when it consumes us or interferes in our lives or happiness, it’s time to change the channel. I suggest a mantra – something you memorize and repeat to yourself when you catch your thoughts going down an old road…something like “this is not a competition and I feel good about who I am and what I’m doing so that’s all that matters”. Long, I know, but try it! The key is to recognize and then interrupt that old thought pattern.
Thanks for the great insights, Brenda!
Best,
Katherine Maguid
Hi Peggy,
Thanks for featuring Brenda today and for these fabulous forums. I usually catch them after the fact, but I always enjoy reading through the chain of questions and answers.
Bloom wrote:
I love my stepdaughter as my own, even though we don’t get to see her often and she lives very far away (currently we are stationed in Japan, and she is in Michigan). Do you have any tips on how to stay involved in her life when we are so far away, when her mother wants my husband and I (and our families) to seems like “distant friends” instead of like family? This is something we struggle with, because she is so important to us, and we never want her to feel like she’s less important than our biological children.
Hello Bloom!
I can tell you that even parents & stepparents who live 10 minutes away express the same concern. In an ideal situation your SD’s mom would be reinforcing that your SD has TWO loving homes and SEVERAL parents who love her. Since you can’t control what goes on anywhere except in your own home and with your own relationships, I encourage you to communicate frequently using as many different methods as possible (letters, emails, texts, videos, voice mails)so that she hears and is reminded of you in different places and at different times. I also encourage you to repeat certain ideas/messages – even if it seems repetitive. The message that you are a family can be woven into your conversations: “When we’re home, we’ll do a family movie night”, “We can’t wait to get home and have the family all together”. I don’t think you can over-communicate feelings of love!
Hi Wednesday!
Your question is: what do I think about social media for women with stepkids? Is it helping? Or is it stopping us from making real, in-person connections…is this somehow getting in the way of the kind of face to face contact that everyone, especially stepmoms with their higher rates of anxiety and depression, also need?
I think social media is providing 24-7, on demand, when you need it help, support and affirmation. I think it is a life-line for many who need it – but may not personally know other stepmoms. I do think though, that the face-to-face is important and will begin to evolve naturally as we “come out” and are more open about our step-status as a society. I also advocate that seeing a good counselor can do worlds of good. (Be sure to find one qualified and experienced in stepfamily dynamics)
Wednesday, you ask what the stepmoms reading think about social media. Personally, I say, thank goodness for it! Since we are not married, in the beginning I hesitated to call myself a “stepmother” but I knew I needed to talk to someone–anyone!–who understood what I was saying. Luckily I stumbled upon a very warm and welcoming group.
Now that I have seen how helpful it is to have a group of women to discuss stepmother topics with, I am organizing a local group. I believe that there does come a time when we need that face-to-face support. As Brenda says, that will probably become easier as stepfamilies “come out” in society. You spoke of this phenomenon in “Stepmonster” when you described how stepmothers were a closed group (or persecuted group?) and once you interviewed one, she often said “I know someone you should talk to.”
For now, I am so glad that stepmother social media is out there and readily accessible!
Hi Brenda!
Now I get to ask YOU a question!! In your opinion, what is something that moms need to know and understand about stepmoms, but often don’t? Anything that would make it easier for moms to see the stepmom as a real person and feel inspired to reach out?
I know your typing fingers are busy today! I’m enjoying reading everyone’s questions and your responses.
Hugs,
Jen
Hi Jen!
I love your question! If I could talk to all the moms of the world who have a stepmom in their life, here is what I would say:
Moms need to know that stepmoms aren’t trying to replace or compete with them for their kids’ love. Most stepmoms are simply trying to build healthy and happy relationships and create loving, peaceful homes. I think moms fear that their kids will love them less, and stepmoms fear that their stepkids will never love them at all. Isnt’ that truly the definition of putting kids in the middle? The very thing we all agree is wrong? Kids have big hearts. Kids forgive easily. Kids don’t carry grudges – yet we as adults do. Kids watch the adults for cues. Give your kids permission to love others, and they’ll end up loving you even more.
The questions today have been awesome! I’m heading home so I’ll be offline for the next 40 minutes.
Brenda – I LOVE your advice to all the moms out there! “Give your kids permission to love others.” Love, when freely given and received grows exponentially!
I’ll be here for another 20 minutes and then I’m off to the gym!
Ladies –
I’m off for a little while but I’ll check back later. If anyone wants to post another question please feel free and I’ll respond as soon as I log back on. If not – I hope you’ll visit me at the magazine. We’re always working on making things bigger and better so email anytime with your ideas and suggestions. Peggy – thanks for the work you do here. It’s fun, it’s uplifting and it’s helpful to so many!
Hugs.
Brenda
Brenda, thanks for your response. You’re so right – one of the most important things moms can do is give the kids permission to love their stepmom. I remember making room for that and it wasn’t easy. Brought up a lot of my fears, insecurities and also guilt about things I already knew I wasn’t doing well as a mom (when are we ever perfect?! Is there EVER one time? Pretty please?!
.
Once I finally did though, the sense of relief was palpable in my children. They no longer had to be so careful about coming back from their dad and stepmom’s house excited or enthusiastic about things. They were freer to be themselves and not censor their thoughts and feelings. This also eventually opened the door to forming a more cooperative relationship with Carol, the stepmom, because now it didn’t feel so much like we were competing.
Wise words! And I love your magazine….
Brenda, do you think you will make StepMom magazine available for the Kindle (or ebook readers in general)?
Brenda, thank you so much for joining us today! And thank you everyone for participating! What an awesome day
Next week, we have two guests to round out our All Star Lineup! Elaine Gaither, Your Parent Partner, will be here October 26 to talk TEENS and Tess Marshall, author of “Flying By the Seat of My Soul” will be here October 28 to help you move forward in your life.
Jill – I’ll be looking into it…great suggestion that I hadn’t thought of! Thanks for the idea!
HI Peggy,
Wow!! I love your concept for guest boggers- thanks for asking me to join you.
I can see Brenda’s Ockun’s Step Mom Magazine spot was a real HIT…great questions and responses. What a great gift to your subscribers
I hope that Moms of teens will find some gtreat tips, guidelines and strategies tomorrow,
Best,
Elaine
Hi Elaine!
I can’t wait to host you tomorrow! It’s going to be a GREAT day! I’ll have your bio posted first thing in the morning!!
Thanks for joining us here on The Stepmom’s Toolbox!
xo
Peggy