October 20th Guest of Honor ~ Jennifer Newcomb Marine, Kellie and Kathryn ~ The Stepmom/Mom Relationship
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I have been looking forward to this day for a very long time! Ever since I met two sister stepmoms, Kellie and Kathryn, who also happen to be in a mom/stepmom relationship, I knew I had to have them on The Toolbox and make it happen with my good friend, Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of “No One’s The Bitch.”
Those of you who read my blog on a regular basis know that I have a very good relationship with my husband’s ex-wife. I often refer to her (and introduce her) as my ex-wife-in-law. I’ve gone through my own gnashing of teeth, but in the end, after I’ve gone within, I realized that most of my issues were between my own two ears. I am blessed to have a good relationship with my step kids mom. And I’m thrilled to bring you Kellie, Kathryn, and Jennifer because it is possible to create a working relationship. (Please note: This pertains to reasonable and responsible people. Every situation is different.)
Although I know Kellie and Kathryn’s story, I want them to weave their story and how the built their relationship amidst the nay sayers, negative influencers, and their own fears. In addition, how awesome is it that we have Jennifer Newcomb Marine here to answer questions and comment on Kellie and Kathryn’s story!
About Kellie and Kathryn
About Kellie: My name is Kellie, I am 36 years old and I am the mom to a wonderful 13 year old daughter named Bailey. I work for a well known insurance company part time. I am married to a great guy named Bill who has blessed me with 2 step sons, Elijah 10, and Luke 7. We live in Eastern Washington.
Bailey’s dad, Jeff, and I were engaged, but never married. We decided, after we had our precious girl, that our relationship wasn’t working so separated when Bailey was 3-weeks old.
About Kathryn: I am Bailey’s step mom Kathryn and her dad, Jeff, and I met when she was 3 1/2. He introduced me to her on our third date and I was smitten. She was the prettiest little girl I had ever seen and she had amazingly good manners for a three ear old. Jeff and I were married when Bailey was 5 and we have no other children as yet. I am 34, live in Western Oregon and until July worked 60 hours a week as an HR and office manager. I adore my stepdaughter and love it when she comes down for vacations!
About Jennifer Newcomb Marine
Jennifer Newcomb Marine is the co-author of “No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for Mothers and Stepmothers” (GPP Life), as well as a nonfiction book development consultant and ghostwriter. She’s an avid traveler (especially with her two teenage daughters), rock climber, and rower.
Most ex-wives and stepmoms can’t stand each other! We’re here to say it doesn’t have to be that way.
In fact, it’s very possible to create a healthy, working “extended family” that lends itself to better parenting, happier children, stronger marriages and the sanity of all adults involved.
Maybe you can only improve things to the point of becoming good “business partners” with each other (like having to deal with a dreaded family member, or someone who grates on you at work) OR — maybe you’ll even end up becoming friends. Who knows?
Ladies – grab your coffee, tea, or hot cocoa because today is going to be so awesome. Learn a new way to deal with your husband’s ex-wife. Learn how to let certain things go. Learn how to build upon small gestures of kindness. Ask questions. Get answers! And YES, one lucky stepmom (or bio-mom) will win a signed copy of Jennifer’s book, “No One’s the Bitch!” But you have to participate and leave a comment/question in the comments section for one of our guests of honor!
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Kathyrn, wow, that was an amazing story about your relationship with Kellie! Kudos to BOTH of you for coming so far — from duking it out in court, to what you have created now. I’m not sure that many people would have been able to work through so much built-up sludge, so I stand in awe of the flexibility and forgiveness you’ve both shown. Bailey is a lucky girl!
You asked if our book has some healthy boundary-setting techniques. There’s only a small section addressed to that particular issue, per se, but hopefully, the idea of creating healthy limits and barriers between the two households is scattered throughout the book. We talk a lot about accountability, using clear communication with no hidden agendas and genuinely trying to collaborate from the heart. All of these things require healthy boundaries, or at least a sense of where the dangers lie, so you can plan ahead, ha. Little joke there….
Peggy, thanks so much for having me on today, I thoroughly enjoyed it! And thanks to everyone who posted questions and shared suggestions. Good wishes to all for improved stepmom/mom relationships and increased harmony between the houses….
Thanks for the reply, Jennifer! (I’m looking forward to that email!)
My husband doesn’t mind if my stepdaughter’s BM and her family came out so long as they’d be mindful and respectful of our vistitation time with his daughter. He expects them to understand that our word is the final word (when it comes to planning outting, get-togethers, etc.) without compromise. While that would be ideal (for us) and only fair, I personally feel that that’s asking to have your cake and being able to eat it too. I can just hear the responses to “No, that’s not going to happen” – “But we’ve come allllll this way” “Blah blah blah…” However, I just found out a little earlier that this whole idea has fallen by the wayside. My stepdaughter’s mother and her family will NOT be coming out here during our allotted two weeks. (Phew…) I truly do have a fervent hope that we’ll one day be able to all get together and share in traditions similar to those that have been shared, but I believe it’s still too early for that to happen for us…
As far as not sacrificing myself in the midst of making sacrifices – I’m not sure how to explain it better, but I’ll try. Your example shows that you’ve got an idea of where I’m coming from. I’m an avid advocate of doing the right thing even if I know it’s something that’ll be dreadful doing – it’s how I was raised and it’s inescapably in my nature. Making a “sacrifice” in that regard (biting your tongue, smile and nod, etc.) is doable – especially when I’m venturing into someone ELSE’S territory. It then becomes my obligation and responsibility. I guess what I was dreading was having to put on such a facade in my OWN territory – my personal safe-haven. This is where the coincidental tangent of boundaries comes in. I was NOT looking forward to having to grin and bear anything unbearable in my own home.
Another example is a “sub-situation” that extended from the potential of having extra guests during the holidays: talks of making a trip to Disneyland as one big happy family came up. My husband and I just took my stepdaughter to Disneyland during our summer visitation period. We didn’t want to take her there again for a few reasons: 1)It’s not exactly cheap! 2) We have other events and activities planned for our time together. 3) We don’t want to become “Disneyland Dad”, spoil the child, and send the wrong messages to her. The holidays (for my husband and I, and most for that matter) are about spending quality time with family, creating traditions and memories without the glitz, glamour and commercialism that unfortunately comes along with the time. We wanted to extend these ideals to my stepdaughter and make parenting decisions based on OUR beliefs and goals. Having others insert their needs/wants/plans into the equation and planning our time with my stepdaughter for us without being mindful of our needs/wants/plans (especially during our time granted, allowing us the very opportunity to exercise our own free will) was very frustrating.
I guess overall I felt very encroached upon, and I wanted advice on how to best draw the line – to create the boundary and express my discomfort without perpetuating a problem.
Janelle, you actually sound pretty clear about what you want, and why. Have you expressed it? I know for me, it feels awfully scary to say what I want sometimes. And when you’re clear about a request, you can also get a clear “no” too! As far as erecting a nice, healthy fence around your family, here’s some actionable information that’s geared towards business folks, but still applies in these situations.
It seems as if things are slowing down here, but I just wanted to thank everyone for all the kind comments.
I am very proud to call Kathryn a friend, especially considering all we have gone through.
Final statement:
You might not be destined to be “friends” with the StepMom in your life, but being “friendly” is something you have control of.
Thanks for the link, Jennifer! It was insightful, and it definitely pertains to my (and all of our!) dilemna.
I’ve only spoken to my husband about how I feel (which, for the most part, is a reflection of his own feelings regarding the situation) because my stepdaughter’s mother avoids conversation with me. When she brought her request up to my husband, she did so via text and her exact words were “would YOU mind” – she didn’t say anything to show that she was concerned with how I’d feel about it. That in and of itself is probably the main reason why I felt uncomfortable about it. Not only would their visit encroach upon the time my husband and I have with his daughter, but I’d have to roll out the welcome wagon for someone who hasn’t shown me much consideration or respect despite my efforts to do so towards her. Which brings us back to the underlying topic of this entire discussion a how to get along with the other woman in our lives!
When I first became a stepmom, I was DETERMINED to build bridges, extend olive branches, and become that happy, blended family I now realize doesn’t develop overnight – or over a week, month, or year for that matter! I actually put more energy and effort into trying to forge a relationship with the BM than I did with my stepdaughter to show that I “came in peace.” Now I realize that such a relationship – as you’ve all stated yourselves – isn’t something that can be forced. I alone can only so much. Another good reason why the information you provided in you response is because the word “business” and the notion of a “business relationship” is highly pertinent to the mother/stepmother relationship. I treat my relationship with the BM as such now, and instead I focus my energies and efforts on strengthening the bond between myself, my husband, and my stepdaughter. Which brings us full-circle back to why this holiday visitation period is so sacred and precious to me.
I also want to extend my thanks to Peggy for setting this up, Jennifer for being our resident expert today and Kellie for all of her work to not only make this happen today, but for working so hard on our relationship. My thanks also to all of the people who followed along today just by reading and absorbing and for those who interacted, asked questions, worked through their relationships and trusted in others.
My well wishes to you all….
Kathryn
Thank you so much for this wonderful discussion today – almost as good as getting together ‘for real’!
Peggy – thank you for organising it. You rock, girl!
Thank you Kathryn, Kellie and Jennifer for such a wonderful day ~ and to all the ladies who participated!
Don’t forget, Oct 22nd’s guest of honor will be Brenda Ockun, publisher of the ONLY online magazine for stepmoms, The StepMom Magazine!
Doh! I keep missing all the chats I want to join in!!
It’s the time difference thing I think!
Hopefully will catch Brenda tomorrow.
Are these chats on a podcast somewhere? I can’t find them on this page and would love to hear them!
Thanks!
-Jenna
Oops, just realized the chat is in the form of comments. Nevermind
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Hi Peggy and all the wonderful participants! I haven’t been able to participate in the discussions yet (Sheesh – Work!Work!Work!) but I love coming back at night and reading all the posts. I just wanted to say “Thank you Peggy! And Thank you to all your fabulous guests and participants!” Have a restful weekend! – G