October 19th Guest of Honor ~ Jacquelyn Fletcher!
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The lucky stepmom winner from Friday’s Fashion chat with Susan is Kela! Congratulations! Please email me asap!!
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I am so pleased to introduce you all to Jacquelyn Fletcher, author of “Becoming A Stepmom.” Jacque has been a huge inspiration for me and one of the first “famous” stepmoms I connected with! I know you will enjoy spending the day with her and asking her questions about becoming a stepmom!
About Jacquelyn
Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is a stepdaughter, stepmother of three children, and mother of one. She is the author of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom (HarperCollins, 2007), which was a 2009 Gold Recipient of the Mom’s Choice Award and received an iParenting Media Excellence Award. She is the co-founder of The Stepfamily Letter Project and the author of Becoming a Stepmom, a blog that stepmothers all over the world visit for support, education, and inspiration. She provides a variety of resources to help stepmothers including personalized, one-on-one coaching.
“In my professional life as a family scientist and stepfamily researcher, and in my personal life as a stepfamily member, I have had the opportunity to review many and varied forms of resources. Jacquelyn Fletcher’s book is utterly unique – and necessary … The approach she takes is absolutely unprecedented… Her and her group of experts’ insights are powerful, touching, and enlightening.” Francesca Adler-Baeder, Ph.D., The National Stepfamily Resource Center
Since the launch of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom and her blog, Jacquelyn has received feedback from stepmoms across the globe who find great comfort in her writing style: a tell-it-like-it-is honesty combined with the empowering energy of a cheerleader.
“Thank you so much for your research and your work. I cannot explain the gratitude I feel to you after reading your book…You are changing lives all over the world.” –Alex
She’s been interviewed from coast to coast on television and on AM, FM, and satellite radio shows. Her work has appeared on traffic-heavy websites including LifetimeTV.com, Cafemom.com, Daughters.com, MomTalk.com, Stepmomstation.com, and Steptalk.org.
“Jacquelyn is a storehouse of knowledge on this subject. And better yet, she talks to you like a trusted friend who has been through it before, because she has.”
–Lizz Sommars, host of Conversations with Lizz, KBSG-FM
Counselors, marriage and family therapists, and social workers in the United States, England, Canada, Ireland, and Australia who are in the trenches daily with stepfamilies often report they are using Jacquelyn’s book as a study guide to help stepmothers.
“Jacquelyn strikes just the kind of balance one wants in a teacher: she provides relevant and incredibly useful information and is also an endless source of enthusiastic support. As an instructor and coach, Jacquelyn lets you know what works and what doesn’t, and helps you both articulate your goals and believe that you can reach them. You just can’t ask for more valuable help and inspiration.”
–Jennifer
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Ladies – grab your tea or coffee and join the conversation. One lucky stepmom will win a signed copy of Jacque’s fabulous book, “Becoming A Stepmom” but you’ve got to participate to be in the running! Ask questions, comment, connect!
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Good Morning Jacque! Thanks so much for taking time today to spend on The Stepmom’s Toolbox!
I just read on your blog that you are now offering one-on-one coaching to new stepmoms! That’s so fabulous. Can you tell us a little bit more?
Hi Jacque!
Hope you are well.
I’d be interested to know what YOUR problematic areas were, when becoming a stepmum. Were there certain aspects that you struggled with more than others?
I haven’t read your book yet but hope to soon.
B xxx
Ladies,
I will be taking my daughter’s future in-laws out for the their last day here and then to the airport. Jacque will be on shortly (she’s on central time, I believe) and will be answering your questions!!
I’ll pop back in as soon as I’m back from Boston!
Peggy
Good morning ladies! Thank you so much for having me on your site, Peggy. I am offering one-on-one coaching for people who really want individual help with creative strategies for solving their stepfamily dilemmas. Since coaching is designed to be short-term it’s wonderful if people are concerned about specific issues and want direction. For instance, ways to better handle the ex wife, difficult stepchildren, building a stronger foundation with your spouse, or dealing with your own feelings of anger, resentment or betrayal.
La Belle Mere:
What a great question! I have struggled with feeling voiceless in my own home, feeling resentful of my stepkids and the ex. In the early days I had a hard time with jealousy. One of the things I talk about in my book is how when you’re a stepmom you have to give up the idea that you’re going to have all the “firsts” with your spouse. First house. First pet. First marriage. First child. I struggled with knowing how much authority to take on. Today’s struggles are different. We had an “ours” baby so now I worry about whether or not all the children will treat my daughter as a sibling.
Hey Jacque –
I have a situation that I am having a hard time with… any advice that you can provide me would be greatly appreciated.
The BM recently divorced for the 2nd time. Then, my boyfriend and I were having a challenging time (we are now through it) and she decided to take this time to let my BF know that she wanted to get back together. I trust my man and know that he does not want to get back together with her… so no worries there. But she has started using her son, or confusing her son (4 1/2 yrs), to manipulate the situation. For the first time in the 2+ years that I have been in his life, he is starting to not want to be around me, throwing a fit when I pick him up, and saying how much he hates me. He is also making comments or asking questions that I am not sure how to answer… like commenting about how his mom & dad used to live together, how cute they looked in the wedding pictures that his mom showed him, reminding me that I’m not married to daddy and maybe mom and dad should get married again… things like – even though his mom used to live in the same neighborhood as the house that they once shared together and we passed it often without comment – he is now saying “that’s the street where my mommy and daddy used to live together or commenting on how his mommy and daddy used to take him camping and how fun that was. She is also starting to initiate outings in which she invites my boyfriend to join them – such as, “hey we’re headed to the park by your house. {Son’s name} is asking if daddy can come too.”
I feel bad… and a little lost. I really want to make my relationship with the BM as pleasant as possible and even strive to be friends. And I understand that she is just in a bad place in her life and looking to the past for answers. And I know that this little boy is just confused by my place in his life and trying to make sense of the situation. I just don’t know how to handle her, handle his questions and comments (which I don’t take personally from him, because I know that he loves and trusts me and is just be manipulated right now)… and how to talk to my BF about it. He doesn’t really see the situation as I do… and just wants to spend as much time with his son as possible and feels guilty that he can’t spend more time.
Any suggestions?
Dear DeAnn:
This is a tough spot to be in! First of all, bravo to you for seeing that your boyfriend’s son’s behavior is completely motivated by the loytalty bind that his mother is putting him in. You’re exactly right that this little boy can’t like you if it will make his mother upset. It’s clear that he’s getting messages from her that ultimately will damage him. The fact that she is showing the wedding picture to him and using him to manipulate her ex is absolutely terrible. This is the kind of situation that children spend their lives recovering from. If your ex can talk to her about not sending those messages to their son, that would be best. (This is not something you should do.)
Secondly, you and your boyfriend need to be on the same page. Have an open discussion about what is happening here. You’ll need to come at this very gently with lots of compliments and loving language so he doesn’t feel attacked by you. Of course he wants to spend time with his child. And he likely feels guilty about the divorce and what his son is going through now. But his job as a parent is to provide consistent boundaries and to protect him as much as possible from the harm that is happening now with the messages coming from the ex. He needs to talk to his son and tell him that no, mommy and daddy aren’t getting back together.
All new stepfamilies need to create boundaries about how communication will happen between households. If he is going to events with his son and his ex (the park, etc.) without you, this is inappropriate and confusing to the child. There are cases where this can work but ONLY if there are very clear boundaries about what behavior is appropriate from all parties.
Please check out the guest post that Dave Carder did on my site: http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2009/10/13/infidelity-post-update-vengeance/ and the podcast I did with him, too. All the links are withing that one post. He explains how infidelity between exes is more common than we’d like to think.
Ask your boyfriend to read those posts or listen to the podcast as well. He needs to understand how is ex is undermining any chance a new family would have at succeeding.
Good luck to you!
And one more thing, even when really tough things are going on in your home between you and your stepkids, your partner and his ex, etc. etc. etc., it is absolutely CRITICAL that you have fun together! So every time you two talk about this situation, end the evening with something you both love.
Hi Jacquelyn,
What an honor this is! I just found your website yesterday via a link on someone’s blog. I loved your spirit and attitude right away.
I am involved with a man over a year now with two small children, ages 3 and 5. We get along great. I have confusing feelings on the ex. I honor her and respect her as the girl’s mother. But, she accuses me of “stealing” her children and says terrible things about me. I just love them like my own (they live with her). I never talk bad about her to them. I support her 100% as their mother. I am just a person in their life that is important to them and their dad. What is the best way to be who I am without hurting her feelings? Am I crossing some line by loving them? How do I let her know that I’m not taking her children?
Thank you so much for all you do!
Hi Jacque,
So glad you are here and that you do the work you do. Thank you! And now a question (well, two, sort of): can you share you best and your worst moment as a woman married to a man with kids?
Wednesday
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.
author, Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmother Think, Feel and Act the Way We Do
http://www.wednesdaymartin.com
Hi Jacquelyn,
I just discovered your podcast on iTunes and I am just thrilled by all the rich interviews! I will be taking my morning walks listening to your fantastic and insightful conversations. Thank you so much.
I have been a stepmom now for 3 years and feel like I am finally ‘coming out’ of the closet, looking for support and resources. It’s like an enormous cloud of depression is finally lifting, and I am finding more online resources than I expected – yay!
Yet I would love to find or create a live group here in my city of Seattle to meet with informally to discuss stepmom life. I really related to Izzy Rose’s experience of moving from San Fran to another city, leaving behind her support network. I have done the same, and have yet to find any women who are stepparenting – amazing given our high numbers. Where are all of them?! Do you have any advice on connecting with women in our towns and cities? I am not much of a blogger or website creator, so I’m not quite sure how to go about creating a group.
Thanks so much for all your wonderful work!
Jenny
Hi Angelia:
Another ex-question! I am going to do a podcast on this soon so we can dig deeply into these ex questions. But in the meantime, without knowing the full story here is what I would advise. This woman is coming from a place of fear. My guess is that she is feeling very threatened by you. If you can, the best thing is to sit down with this woman and tell her directly that you honor her as their mother and will never do anything to come between her and her children. Remind her of the bond that children have with their mothers. It is virutally unbreakable. Tell her that you want to be the best stepmother you can be for the sake of the kids and you’ll do the best you can.
Usually if you can address the fears and bring them out in the open that makes everything so much easier. You could just ask her: “Am I crossing a line by loving them? If I’m going to be in their lives as a stepmother, wouldn’t you want me to treat them well?”
You can also have your partner send her this message from me, a daughter and stepdaughter: YOU WILL NEVER BE REPLACED. If only all biological mothers would understand that and not operate from a place of insecurity, stepfamilies and the children in them would all be far better off.
Kids can EASILY pick up on mom’s fears. It’s in her best interest to help her children develop good relationships with their dad and you. Listen to my podcast with bio mom Joanie Winberg for some tips from a mom whose been there.
You didn’t mention if she’s saying terrible things about you to the kids. I hope that’s not the case. Usually if you can meet face to face you’ll see that you are both human in a terribly awkward situation.
If you can’t meet face to face, you might think about sending her a card or an email with the sentiments above.
One caveat: If you’ve had an affair with her ex-husband that broke up their marriage, you might never be able to have any kind of relationship with her. In that case or in cases where Mom is aiming all of her anger at her ex spouse at you, then you are fighting a losing battle. The best you can do in those situations is take the high road, protect your relationship with your partner, and have him try to show his ex what her behavior is doing to the kids.
And we stepmoms NEVER cross lines by loving our stepchildren.
Hi Jenny,
What a GREAT question. First of all, if you’re on FaceBook, you can join several groups for stepmothers. One is my Stepmom Circles group. I just started it but it is for the specific purpose of staring Stepmom Circles in cities across the country and around the world. You can also try Stepchicks which is a great online community and the women there have already divided themselves up by state so you could put out a call for women to meet in your area there.
Some women have used the Meetup website and found it works well.
If you do sign up for Stepmom Circles, put a call out to stepmoms on the wall for women interested in meeting in your area to contact you.
The online support that has grown up in the last decade for stepmoms is incredible, but there’s nothing like old-fashioned face-to-face interaction.
Hi Wednesday!
Thanks for the fun question! My best moments as a woman with stepkids are the ones were the kids say things to me spontaneously like: I’m really glad you’re my stepmom. That makes me feel really, really good. The worst moments are the days when I am feeling angry or sorry for myself because I decided to join a family with kids who are not my own. Those are the days when the kids have ignored me one time too many or we’ve had conflict with our other household. Luckily the good days outnumber the bad. And now that we’re out of those early chaotic years of stepfamily development, we have A LOT more good days than bad.
Hi Jacque,
I’d like your thoughts on this. I’m an older stepmom with older step kids, of course. Recently, my spouse told me if his daughter continued treating him the way she has the past three years, he eventually really will cut her out of the will. This may not be a big deal considering today’s economic woes but the thought of his doing that and the implications it has for him and his children leaves me in a quandry. I understand his feelings but I don’t think it’s a very good solution. Both he and his daughter are very strong willed. I would describe her as high strung and always the more high maintenance kid of his three. He, on the other hand, doesn’t bend much when he thinks he’s right which is a lot of the time! Neither, to my knowledge, has admitted any wrong doing or said they were sorry.
Without getting into a long detailed account of what happened, it generally is this: He was asked to come watch grandchild #1 and help his daughter one Friday evening. She was just home from the hospital after giving birth to grandchild #2. We left a dinner right after appetisers so he could help her out. According to him, he didn’t jump up and run after his grandchild (age 2 and 1/2) who had gone down to the downstairs playroom. She told him to “get his ass down there” and when he told her not to talk to him that way, she ordered him out of the house.
Later when he tried to talk to her, he was told he was not a “fit grandfather” because he had wine on his breath that evening. Furthermore, she intended to keep her children away from him. Up to this point the two of us took care of grandchild #1 frequently.
She did drop by one evening as though nothing had happened and I told her I thought we needed to talk since feelings were hurt. When she was younger and had a beef with her father, I was the one who listened. That evening I just saw two people unwilling to bend. I offered to have lunch with her to talk about resolution but she turned me down.
So here we are today…very little communication…never seeing the two grandchildren unless it’s a family holiday for a few strained moments. And my spouse still feels the sting of the cutting words, not to mention the hurt of not getting to see two of his grandchildren. I know he can be extremely difficult but I also know he can be very tender hearted.
The irony is she was the child he always favored. When our kids were younger, I felt sorry for my own children wishing he would be as kind to them. I simply came to the conclusion then that it was difficult for step parents to have the same feelings for their step kids. While my own kids have said hurtful things to me, I’ve never experienced what he described.
So, what do you think?
Your answers have given me a lot of hope Jacque!! And it sounds as though your early problems were very similar to mine.
Do you mind if I ask if having an “ours” baby helped you emotionally? Did it make things better in your situation? I’m not really a kiddy kinda person but a lot of that has been because having my husbands kids has put me off!!
LBM xxx
Hi Ladies!
It has been a LONG weekend with out-of-country guests! But everybody has been dropped off at their respective airports (one flew out of Manchester to Philly and the others are leaving Boston for Dublin).
Jacque – thanks SO much for spending the day here, offering your experience and sharing your wisdom! I’m going to read through everything now!
xxoo
Peggy
Dear Jean:
It’s hard to watch when two people in your family are being so hurtful toward each other. When people have to be “right” or have to “win” whenever there is a disagreement, there will be trouble. There are a few suggestions I have for you since you are filling the role of peacekeeper between your husband and his daughter(which is a role that often falls to stepmothers).
1. Enlist the aid of someone else in the family. Is there another family member that could talk to your stepdaughter about the reprecussions of the choices she making to not include her father in her or her children’s life? There will come a day when he’s not around anymore and to deny her children access to him now is cruel.
2. Help your spouse with his communication skills. I often will help my husband come up with possible scripts he can use in difficult situations when he is at a loss at how to deal with a challenging person. If your husband comes at his daughter with softness, that can help. But for a man who is not used to this approach it can be hard.
3. Make more opportunities for everyone to be together. Find ways that you can be more involved in your stepkids’ lives. Perhaps you could invite them over for a dinner every other month with or without the other siblings and grandkids.
4. Let go. Ultimately, your husband’s relationship with his daughter is up to them. I can only hope that they don’t have regrets about their distance when it’s too late.
Dear LBM:
Yours is a common feeling!!! After I became a stepmom of three young kids I questioned my desire for one of my own, too. It’s an extremely common reaction. I am putting together a project based on this topic in particular and will keep you posted, but in the meantime, here’s an answer for you: It has helped AND made things more challenging. I wouldn’t change the experience for the world, but just like anything in a stepfamily, there is an added layer of complexity that women without stepchildren do not have to deal with. A lot of women think that it will bond their family to have a child, and that is the case in some situations. When my stepmother gave birth to my sister, it helped us all become closer. But in other families, that doens’t happen. Jealousy and resentment in the kids and the stepmom can explode. And dads who felt guilty before often feel even more guilty when they are sharing their time/money/emotions with yet another person.
That said: I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my daughter. I love my stepchildren. I understand my husband better. And yes, I even understand the ex better, too.
Peggy, thanks so much for such a fun day! I’ll be taking a little break everyone while I teach a class. Then I’ll check back in later today to answer any final questions.
I have a question. How do you deal with being mistreated by step-children? I’ve been married for 10 years. I almost left my husband because his oldest would cough in my face, call me out my name, just to name a couple of things. He would tell her to stop, but she insisted on doing things her way. It all came to a head the day she decided to physically fight with me. At that point she had to find another residence. What could have been done to potentially avoid the events that led up to the physical contact?
Hi Jean,
One more thing. You might try checking out Dr. Joshua Coleman’s latest book Why Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along. http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/
Dear Kristie:
You poor thing! You are a stepmom who has struggled and I take my hat off to you. There’s nothing harder than kids who are actively trying to make your life hell. It’s hard to know exactly what the reasons were for the eldest child’s reactions since I don’t know the whole story, but typically anger, hurt, and grief are at work underneath the surface in stepfamilies. This kind of behavior also happens when parents step back from parenting and allow the kids to do things they shouldn’t be allowed to do, but since the girl was told to move out, that tells me that rules were enforced by your husband. The fact that she is the oldest child and a girl make me think that she thought you were taking her place with her father. Or she’s protecting her mother. Girls at that age in that place in the family are often the most challenging for stepmothers. If you were implementing rules and her mother and father weren’t then you would be the natural fall-gal.
In that kind of situation there is often not a lot a stepmom can do besides standing up for herself, standing strong beside her partner, and supporting her partner while he does the heavy lifting of parenting and discipline. It is critical that you and your partner are on the same page.
Many stepmothers who have lived through your kind of situation report back that they had to focus on their own personal growth through those tough years and not beat themselves up with “Could I have done it differently? What else could I have done?” There is often little you could do. Hopefully at some point, this girl will turn around and see what she’s done and you can all heal from your pasts. I was such a girl and I can tell you that I eventually figured out that the only person I was hurting was me. Eventually I could see all that my parents and stepparents did for me instead of just being stuck in anger and pain.
There are a couple of resources I would recommend for you: Wednesday Martin is doing research on violent stepchildren and Dr. James Bray the author of Stepfamilies has written eloquently about girls in stepfamilies. E. Mavis Hetherington is another researcher who has written about the tough relationship between stepmothers and stepdaughters. If you google their names you’ll find their books.
Please don’t beat yourself up with the woulda, coulda, shouldas. Look to your future relationship with your stepdaughter with a light-hearted sense of curiosity. It’s amazing how switching into a curious mindframe can help you feel better about things.
Standing Ovation for Jacque! What an amazing day! Thank you so much for your time today Jacque. I know every stepmom reading this appreciates you!
xxoo
I feel the need to preface my comments with this basic statement. My husband and i have three beautiful girls — we love them all very much and would never do anything to hurt them. Each of our three girls has very different dynamics: 1 (15) my husbands daughter from his first marriage, 2 (15) my husbands neice that we are raising and 1 (5) our daughter born in our marriage. I am sure the dynamics seem crazy, but for the most part over the past 12 years we do make this work.
My question: How do you know when to support your husband in standing up to the mother of his daughter and how do you know when to talk him down and into giving in?
The scenario is that recently the biological mother has been pushing every one of his buttons possible. changing meeting times, lying – trying to deny visitations ect… the problem is that she is an attorney and we are not made of money and we do not want any of our three children to suffer. Any time that we do not agree to change or do exactly what she wants she denys us time yells at us via e-mail says she will not take no for an answer — no matter what we are doing.
I fear any time he stands up to her that it only ends up negatively effecting his relationship with his daughter because she finds a way — without doing it outwardly to bias our daughter against us – sometimes for months. Of course we cannot explain our side to her because we cannot allow her to presume that we are talking poorly to her about her mother.
Do we just give in every time and have our daughter think that we do not love her enough to fight for “our” time with her.
We just feel bullied all of the time.
Any advice?