October 13th Guest of Honor – Wednesday Martin!
As many of you know, I’m a HUGE fan of Wednesday Martin. I loved her book, “Stepmonster” (Read My Review) and quite frankly, I just love the way Wednesday incorporates her research and breaks it down for the lay person (not too mention, I think she likes John Gottman as much as I do!)
About Wednesday
Wednesday Martin has worked as a writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades.
The author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (Houghton Mifflin, 2009), she also blogs for Psychology Today and The Huffington Post, as well as her own website, www.wednesdaymartin.com on issues including stepfamily life, mothering and stepmothering, gender, and media.
Wednesday has appeared as a stepparening expert on the BBC Newshour, NBC’s Weekend Today, and FOX. She has spoken about stepmother reality on NPR (including “On Point”) and dozens of local and regional radio stations nationwide.
Her book Stepmonster is a uniquely comprehensive, compassionate, and research-based consideration of stepfamily dynamics and stepmothering. It has been endorsed and recommended by stepfamily resources including The Stepfamily Center, The Step Project, and Married with Baggage coaching for stepfamilies.
Francesca Adler-Baeder of the National Stepfamily Resource Center calls Stepmonster “profound” and “enlightening.” The Feminist Review recently called Stepmonster “essential reading and an important addition to the literature of motherhood” while stepfamily coach Patti Deville notes that Wednesday “has brought a seriousness and understanding to the subject of stepmothering that is rarely found.”
A stepmother for ten years, she lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons.
One lucky stepmom will win a SIGNED copy of Wednesday’s book, “Stepmonster,” but you have to participate to be eligible. In addition to asking Wednesday your most pressing stepmom question, you need to come up with five anagrams for Wednesday Martin!
What’s an anagram? I’ll take “Anagrams” for $2,000 Alex! No, this isn’t Jeopardy, but an example of an Anagram for Wednesday Martin is Mandarins Tweedy! Or Daydreams Net Win! Have fun with this! Lord knows, we stepmoms need to have FUN!
Related Posts
Tags
Share This
Ok ladies! Here’s your chance to ask Wednesday your most pressing, burning, gut wrenching, dish towel wringing questions…(don’t mess this up by lurking…jump in, the water’s just fine!) ASK. And ask often! The more you ask, the more you learn and we can all learn A LOT from Wednesday!
Alright, I’m going to go out on a limb and jump into the water here. Wednesday and Peggy, how do I get past the anger I feel that my income is being considered in FDH’s child support calculations? I work full time; I do a good job; I have recently been promoted; I have no children of my own. BM only works part time at minimum wage and since that is all she has ever done, FDH’s attorney says we can’t expect her to do more; she has two children. No matter how much I care about those children, no matter how much I love FDH, they are not my children and we are not married. (I checked with my attorney and this is covered in NYS law.)
I am so angry about the unfairness of this; I feel like I am being punished for having a good work ethic and for not having children of my own. My anger is driving a wedge between FDH and I, and I can’t seem to let go of it.
I have a dog-eared and multi-tagged copy of Stepmonster and am so grateful not only that Wednesday wrote it but also that it was suggested to me fairly early in my stepmother experience.
Sorry, forgot to close that out! So, any suggestions as to how I get past that anger?
Hi Jessica,
Just to clarify – you’re not married yet, correct? Do you know the part of family law for NYS that is being used to calculate your income?
Hi Jessica,
First of all, I feel for you in your situation. And I understand your anger. Stepmothers I spoke to frequently told me they felt exploited emotionally and financiallyI don’t have a sense of where you live, and even less of a sense about child support laws nation and world-wide. However, I think you need to approach this issue in two ways:
1. as an emotional issue between you and your partner. can he hear that you are frustrated about this without being defensive and judgmental? if so, that is a good start. if not, there is plenty of work to be done there. and I’ll say more if you need it.
2. then there’s the practical aspect. how can your income be factored in if you’re not married? I would like to direct you to some good legal resources for stepmothers. I can suggest the legal contributer to Brenda Ockun’s magazine, Stepmom Magazine. That is a place to start; perhaps this expert can make a referral or help you directly herself.
Remember as a big picture mantra here that it’s not wrong to resent this, or to want to talk about it as calmly as possible with your partner. Freeing yourself from the trap of self-judgment is a good place to start.
p.s. remember those communication formulas in Stepmonster, Jessica? the ones that help you say things your partner might not like hearing, things that make you want to scream, in a way that won’t escalate? hard as it is, try the formulas (I think you can find them in the index under “Patricia Papernow”).
good luck and hang in there. I am all for Peggy’s suggestions of self care and meditation to prevent ruminative thinking, by the way, until you get some helpful legal advice.
Yes, Peggy, we are not married yet; it is in Article 4 of the Family Something Act (the webpage seems to be down). Basically it says that any money from any source coming into FDH’s household is income; in fact, there is a line which specifically refers to stepparents being responsible for child support. I don’t *think* that there is much more legal advice I can get, though I will keep your and Wednesday’s suggestions in mind.
As for Wednesday’s comments, usually I am all for Peggy’s self care/yoga/meditation, somehow my anger over this has blown up and I can’t get back to those helpful processes. Luckily, he does understand my feelings of anger and unjustness (?); he wants to talk about this and we have talked a few times but not in-depth. The problem is with me. Maybe I need to use the communication formulas with myself!
Thank you for your help with this. If I was in a better place, I would probably ramble on and on about how much I loved Stepmonster.
I have to echo the communication formulas! For every negative, there needs to be at least five positives – in that conversation!
So it’s like you say two positives that lead into the negative, then follow it up with two more positives. Even better if the follow up is action oriented on your part or asks your partner for help with creative brain storming.
Hello everyone, I may have more to say later but I really want to reply to Jessica’s statement that “the problem is with me.” This is something I myself have said time and time again in the past 11 years but I really wish I had a different way of responding. I don’t think it’s true even though I feel it that way. The problem isn’t with us! But it’s an emperor’s new clothes conundrum, because so much is stacked against us!
I’m no lawyer but I’m thinking there must be ways to get creative about residency in this situation. I do advise tracking down Brenda Ockun’s legal advisor, or perhaps contacting your local bar association or ACLU.
The worst part of this for you emotionally, if I’m reading you right Jessica, is the feeling that you are trapped. You are not. You can move out for a time or for good. You can figure out a loophole. You can consult with experts. Some of these options might seem drastic, but remember you have options which will counterbalance the terrifying trapped feelings women with stepkids often describe.
And about the circuit of ruminative thinking: get Susan Nolen-Hoeksema’s book, Women Who Think Too Much. Not, it’s not about stepmothering, but you need a break from stepmothering. Have a look.
Finally, how often do you get out with friends? And I mean out of the house, away from your husband and his child? That will help you get back on track, decrease your resentment, and prevent stepmaternal burnout. So do it! I promise it helps.
Hi Wednesday,
What are some tips and techniques that I could use to improve direct communication with the ex-wfe? Two years ago, she became very angry with me, I called to apologize, and then the next day she called my husband to say that I had no right to call her and that I was “too self-confident and too self-assured.” Now, she only calls my husband’s cell phone, regardless of the hour. She also insists that my stepsons only call my husband’s cell phone – that is, unless they’re alone in their mother’s house and they want to call me at home. My husband tells me that his ex-wife doesn’t want “to hear my voice.” Should I just go with the flow and forget about it? After all, I’m a stepmother from a distance. Or, should I try harder to set a more positive example for my stepsons, who are old enough to know what’s happening and who keep asking/attempting to goad me into telling them my version of what happened between their mother and me. Apparently, she’s told them in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. My only response to them is to say, “Guys, I just don’t really know your mother at all.”
I know I’ve gotten a little off-track here, but I’m just trying to figure out if I should be working at trying to have a positive relationship with her, even though the desire is only mine? Or, should I just let it go?
Thanks so much.
Jessica –
I live in NY also and our legal editor, Lara Badain practices in New York and could help you. You can reach her at 585-385-2510. She’s awesome. I am completely unaware of any law or provision that states your income could be considered within the “household”. Sounds very unusual to me especially since you’re not legally married. Please call Lara. She’ll be happy to answer a few basic questions and you can decide if a consult is appropriate after that.
Brenda
Jessica you are not trapped, as Wednesday says. It may seem that way, but I think the fact that you’re not married to him yet is HUGE. You have a lot of leverage. I wish I could go back and have a talk with myself back before I got married because there is so much I would have done differently. First and foremost, I would have set limits. I would have been honest with myself about how I felt about marrying my husband and his ex-wife and their daughter, because it’s really been a package deal (only now she has a husband who’s thrown into the mix). I would have set up a separate checking account from the get-go, and I would have insisted on controlling my own finances. It would have been very hard to do these things at the time but not nearly so hard as what happened because I didn’t do these things–that is, we’ve spent the past six years working to undo the unhealthy dynamic that was established in the first few years when I was treated like a self-abnegating cash cow who was available on a moment’s notice for free child care.
Thanks Brenda! Jessica, do let me know via my web site email how the legal advice shakes out–Brenda’s connecting you to someone great and I would love to learn what you learn in case I get more questions like this. Good luck.
Jessica – please give Lara a call. And Wednesday’s right – you do have options. We always have options!
Hi Wednesday – we have comments from Kathy P and Katherine!
Thank you for the contact info and the great suggestions and encouragement(from everyone!). I *do* need a break from stepmothering; I *do* need time with friends. I think those would help a lot. And, Kathy P, you are right that we need to set precidents now about how my income actually is used before we are years down the road and I am feeling like this all the time. I’ve been so stressed I haven’t even read my October issue of StepMom Magazine yet!
Okay, only 1 anagram… Tiny dreams wane…
And my question;
My stepdaughters (16 & 12) have decided that they can’t/won’t come here any more. The stress that their mom has put on them (telling them I am evil, that my kids replaced them, that she couldn’t live without them, making them feel bad for having fun here, etc) has been a constant since the day she found out that my husband & I were engaged (6 years ago this month). She even told my husband she was going to make our lives hell… She has never kept the parenting plan, due to minor mistake the judge through out our contempt charges… she has refused mediation & used all of that to her advantage by telling my stepdaughters that I just wanted her thrown in jail… all of this (plus so much more) caused a brief seperation between hubby & I during the summer of ’08. During which time my husband went & saw his girls quite often, even staying in the ex’s home (can’t believe her hubby allowed it)… at any rate, since our reconcilation over a year ago now, they refuse to see their dad as long as he stays married to me, so we haven’t seen them. The ex continues to tell the kids that if he truly loves them that he’ll do things their way… He leeps countering this by telling them (when they’ll listen) that he & I are one because we’re husband & wife & that he is modeling to them how he wants a man to treat them (by putting them 1st)… The response is that I have super power mind control over him & that he can’t think for himself… There is so much more, but I’m sure you’ve heard it all…
I’m frustrated, hurt & my kids (14 & 11) are starting to suffer for it… my husband was going to adopt them (my kids’ dad is very absent) but now feels like it would on’y confirm what his ex is telling HIS kids… How do can I handle this?? What can I say to my husband that can help him??
Jessica – October’s issue of StepMom is FABULOUS! Take some time to destress – yoga, running, walking, kickboxing – and then print it out and read it while you soak in a hot bath! (Glass of wine optional, but highly recommended!)
Ladies – I will be away from my computer for the next 45 mintues. Wednesday’s got the helm
Hi Kathy P and Katherine,
First let me address Katherine’s question. Give yourself permission not to bang your head against the wall regarding your husband’s ex-wife.
Yes, there is this new and burgeoning cultural pressure that you “should” be chummy with your husband’s ex, and yes, some women are into it. For you I would advise what I would advise for most women. Your husband and his ex wife got divorced because they couldn’t work it out. These situations do not improve when the ex husband remarries. With the exception of some extraordinary ex wives like Peggy Nolan and Jennifer Newcomb Marine, it would behoove you to follow your husband’s ex’s lead and keep to yourself.
Your mantra “Guys I don’t even know your mom” is commendable. It’s hard, but don’t ever dish one teaspoon of dirt about her to her kids and know that you’re doing the right thing.
Again, I would focus my energy on self-care and my marriage (stepmothering is a difficult and depleting role, as you know, and you may also know that remarriages with kids are extraordinarily vulnerable to dissolution) before I siphoned any of it off and gave it to someone whose problems are her own to fix.
Hope that helps.
Jessica – I just spoke with Lara on the phone – she needs a few more details to comment on your situation but would be happy to talk with you. Turns out there is an Article 4 – but it covers a lot of different things – and circumstances vary greatly. Hope this helps!
Hi Kathy P.,
How right you are about leverage and timing. Some people may be put off by hearing it, but we don’t do anyone any favors when we deny that stepfamilies are rife with power imbalances that generally do not break the stepmother’s way.
You’re giving some great advice here based not only on your own experience but also on one of the soundest principles of a remarriage with children: drawing the line, early on and every time, regarding what you’re not comfortable with.
Let’s make t-shirts, all of us, that say “Not a Self-Abnegating Cash Cow” ; )
Thanks Wednesday. That’s pretty much what I thought I needed to do; however, I thought that it would be wise to get your input on this situation.
Katherine, I agree with Wednesday that it’s neither worth your time nor your effort to try and have a relationship with this woman. And you should thank your lucky stars that she is long distance. What I wouldn’t give for such a thing. I’ve had a long and difficult history with my husband’s ex and as with other things, I wish I had kept my distance from the beginning.
But Wednesday I want to ask you about the dishing of dirt thing. I think that part of the reason my stepdaughter treats me like dirt is that she has little to no idea of what all I’ve done, sacrificed, given for her over the years and she has absolutely no idea what kind of bad behavior I’ve received in the process. Last year I started telling her stories about myself to explain to her why I feel and act the way I do. I made it clear to her that these are NOT stories about her mom and not intended to poison her relationship with her mom, but that I want her to know a bit more about what my experience as a stepmother has been like. OK, but to be honest, they are stories that reveal her mother’s selfishness and bad treatment of me. What’s the danger here? My goal is to stick up for myself and tell my story, to counterbalance all the poison that’s being dripped in her ears when she’s not with us. Your thoughts?
Hi Wednesday,
The question I get most often from steps is over the issue of discipline. Since I’m no expert- just living it day to day- I’ll ask you. Is there a right or wrong way to approach disciplining your stepkids? I, rightly or wrongly, took control as soon as we all moved in together and posted The House Rules on the fridge before the poor kids could even unpack. For the most part, they respect my so-called authority and recognize that their father and I are a team and it’s not even worth trying to divide us, but I feel like I got lucky with these guys. Many stepparenting books tell us NOT to interfere with discipline, but that approach makes me feel like a victimized wimp. Your thoughts?
I have no doubt you are feeling a great deal of pressure to “make it work” with your husband’s ex. Women are so relational that it’s very difficult for us to feel disliked, very difficult for us to leave an imperfect relationship alone. It feels like a failure.
It’s not. Just because Demi and Ashton like being chummy with Emma and Bruce doesn’t mean it’s right for you, or even the best thing for your stepkids (see my book for the research on highly cooperative and close co-parenting post-divorce; many experts think it’s as harmful as high conflict situations because the kids find it a confusing message about marriage).
To sum it up, you don’t need to have Thanksgiving dinner with your husband’s ex to be a good stepmother, a good wife, a good person, and a good woman. Just keep doing what you’re doing–refusing to trash her to her kids. Good luck!
Wednesday and Peggy, I’m a family therapist in Boulder, Colorado who specializes in working with clients going through divorce and remarriage. Your book mirrors what I’ve been telling my clients for years. As a person in her second marriage, and as a “stepmother”, I know well the realities of “blending” families. Peggy and Wednesday, I can’t tell you how many times a couple has come in for therapy and their presenting problem is, “We’ve been trying to blend our families for years and it’s just not happening! What should we do?” The first thing I tell them is, “Get rid of the blended family myth. It is an unrealistic expectation that is causing you both resentment and suffering. It’s not like you can toss a bunch of people into an Osterizer blender and expect smooth results. In fact, the notion of a blended family is quite dysfunctional because of the enmeshment that is inherent in the concept.”
It has been my experience that the children involved in these families don’t seem to get a whole lot of say about this, and in my work with children, they are emphatic when they state that they do not consider their stepparent a parent. I tell stepparents, “Take the parent out of stepparent.” So many of my clients want to idealize the second marriage, feeling that they can somehow make up for the fracture of the first marriage by having a “new family”. For the majority of people, it simply doesn’t. Without fail, these marriages improve when the expectations are dropped. Not surprisingly, the children are much happier as well.
Wednesday, I use your book with all my clients and for many of them, it is a breath of fresh air, a relief, a welcome voice of reason and understanding. Personally, I wish there were no such terms as “steppparent” , “stepmother”, “stepfather” and “blended families”. They are automatic setups for resentment. Marriage is tough enough as it is!
Wednesday and Peggy, thank you for all your good work!
My husband has a habit of ignoring unpleasant issues, particularly regarding problems in our family.
Background: He has a daughter from each of his two previous marriages. The older daughter (SD20) from his first marriage lives with us full-time and has absolutely no contact with her mother. The younger daughter (SD15), who he adopted when he married his second ex-wife, lives her with her mother in another state. We have a standard long-distance, non-custodial visitation schedule with her.
SD20 and SD15 are like oil and water. They’ve never gotten along. (This roots back to when my husband and ex-wife #2 were still married and SD20 felt like SD15 always was the “favorite”. SD20′s issues are really with ex-wife #2, her stepmother then.) They say hurtful things to one another regularly. With the rise of social networking, these things are now said regularly from thousands of miles away. They got into it again last week. Ex-wife #2 says she’s refusing to send SD15 for Thanksgiving visitation due to the stress and anxiety that this most recent argument has caused SD15.
My husband refuses to deal with the situation. I have tried to discuss it with him on several occasions, trying my best for it not to be a “nagging” conversation, but more of a calm, rational, let’s-deal-with-this conversation. Still nothing. He dreads any kind of communication with ex-wife #2. I have, in the past, tried to step in and communicate with ex-wife #2 since he never wants to do it, but it’s generally not received well. Ex-wife #2 and I have a superficially civil relationship that runs hot and cold depending on her mood.
I’d ideally like to have family counseling with SD15, but the fact of the situation is that we just don’t have that kind of time with her.
So my questions are: Should I just detach from the entire situation? Should I keep encouraging him at the risk of sounding like a nag and having him resent me? Should we go as far as to file contempt-of-court charges if she actually does withhold visitation?
Wednesday….ran across your book at a friend’s house and could totally relate. As a stepdaughter for over 45 years I care about my “step father” but have never considered him my father (even though my bio father was absent from my life)and really do not feel any strong bonds. I was 11 when my mother and he married and the going was tough from the starting gate. There was no “blending”……there was silent resistance, quiet compromise and then “just getting by” . When I look back I realize my mother was the go-between and it could not have been easy for her. When she capitulated to “his side” my sister and myself felt betrayed and abandoned. Now older and wiser we see it was difficult for all but mainly the expectations that everything would be GREAT was unreal and pressure filled. Thank YOU for you frankness, honesty and willingness to deal truthfully with this difficult subject.
Hi Izzy and Kathy P.,
Let me get to Izzy’s question first, and to recommend her book to you all. It is deceptively easy to read and funny, yet The Package Deal is full of smart and moving insights.
Now Izz, about discipline. I know everyone says, “Leave it your husband. Leave it to your husband. Leave it to your husband.” And I think that’s a marvelous approach, especially with teenagers. BUT what about when hubby isn’t home. And are we going to run to him every time there’s a TV blaring?
No, sometimes we’re going to do it ourselves. Because it’s our house, and because it doesn’t feel good to be a doormat or a victimized wimp in one’s own house. A first parent with any sense wouldn’t do it. I was frankly really impressed with your posting of your house rules and wished I had done it myself when I read about it in your book.
I suggest just such concrete approaches first, to prevent the resentment from building up. One last point here: have a talk with your husband or partner first, ideally, and coordinate parenting styles if need be. That way you’ll have back up, and avoid the “let’s split dad and stepmom” attempts which are pretty common–and pretty aggravating!
Kathy P,
Hmmmm, I’m mulling over your situation here. First the research-based facts: statistically there’s nothing harder than a teen or preteen stepdaughter. One reason for this is that they’re teenagers, and girls. The other reason for this is that teen girls tend to model their mother’s attitudes and behaviors.
So if her mom is resentful of you, and dishing dirt about you–well, you get the picture. It can be really hard to live this way. How well I remember feeling besieged by my teen stepdaughters’ buying into their moms remarks about how I was going to spend their college tuition at Prada!
And then it passes. I swear, it does. And until it does, you need to do a date night every single week, even if you’re furious at your husband. And you need one night a week for you and your girlfriends. And I’m talking about girlfriends who won’t judge any stepmonsterish utterances that might come out of your mouth after a martini.
As to narrating your experiences to your stepdaughter, I understand the impulse. I would say the main thing here is how does she take it? And does your husband support your doing so? For me personally, the more I tried to show my side of things, the more I ruminated when the girls didn’t get it, and the more I fumed about being misunderstood. Getting out and getting away and working on my marriage, my writing, and my friendships was the only thing that truly helped me. Hope that is helpful to you.
Thanks Wednesday.
I do think what worked for us is having a plan from day one, and a plan that my husband and I created together. We literally sat down and discussed our expectations for the new household. This took time, but I think it really paid off. When we disagree over discipline (which does happen) we do it behind closed doors. We want to appear solid and resolute in front of the kids.
With respect to Izzy’s question about discipline, I can tell you that from my own personal experience with my stepsons who are now 12 and 14 years old, that I am definitely included in the discipline process. Here’s how we handle it: my husband lays down the rules and says that I will be enforcing them while he’s at work and if there is any back-talk from the boys or a failure to do what they’re told, then he tells the boys that I will be calling him at work.
I have been so tempted to get myself out of the disciplining process – especially with my 14-year old teenager – but, the one thing I’ve learned, is that if I don’t do anything, then the boys will take advantage of the situation. I can’t be running off to call my husband at work to get him to discipline the kids over the phone. It undermines my authority as an adult and their stepmother when the boys are in my home.
However, when there are major infractions, I tell whichever stepson who is in trouble that I will be calling his father and that his father will be determining what exactly his punishment will be.
We’ve been able to make this work – but it certainly isn’t fun to hear all the back-talk, that’s for sure. But, it sure beats being a doormat in your own home.
Wednesday, I appreciate your thoughtful response and it does help me to be reminded about developmental stages. My stepdaughter is VERY defensive about her mother and I have found, in fact, that the mose I pull back and spend my time on myself, the more interested she is in me.
But because I don’t want all the readers to think I’m too horrible, let me share the ONE story that I did tell her, which was about my first Mother’s Day, after I’d been helping to raise her for about 6 months. She was 2 1/2 and I’d dramatically altered my professional life to devote a great deal of time to her because her father believed (and I agreed at the time) that her wellbeing came first and we wanted to establish 2 equal homes (we have a 50/50 split) which meant lots of time for her to bond with me. So, after all this work and time along came mother’s day, whch of course she would spend with her mother. My husband really needed to spend the day at the office and I talked to him about how bittersweet it was for me to be home along on that day. He suggested I treat myself to some pampering and I was about to do that when the phone rang that morning. My stepdaughter had woken up woth a stomache bug and was ill. Her mother, however, didn’t want to have to miss her brunch plans so could she drop the child to stay with me so she could go out for brunch to celebrate Mother’s Day? Of course my husband said yes, though he made sure to let me know that I could say no and it would be ok with him. So I spent 3 hours with a sick child who was deposited in pajamas and a dirty diaper while her mother celebrated her day with a lovely brunch. We (my sd and I) had a nice time together, in fact, reading stories etc, –but this story, to me, says so much that I want her to know about what my experience has been.
Anyway, thanks for providing a forum where I can tell this without fretting that I’m somehow damaging her–because it often feels like the price I pay is my own damage.
Kathy,
Woah. I do think the more time we spend with our stepchildren whose mothers have engineered a loyalty bind (not all do this, it’s true; but we see it way too often), the less the stepmother should put herself out. The more you do, the more there is to resent when we are not thanked, appreciated, etc., or when we are trashed by mom.
It’s tough. Your Mother’s Day story says it all (as does Jacque Fletcher’s story about trying to get her stepkids a library card–I’ll provide the link later in case you’re interested). I want to say that I do think the woman who has stepkids and no adopted or bio kids (don’t know your situation) has it hardest in many ways. Because if she’s decent like you, she’s making efforts, often bending over backwards (as you clearly have) only to be rebuffed by the stepchild in a loyalty bind virtually always of mom’s making.
I suggest having a look at the disengaging essay in my book or on the web at http://www.steptogether.org.
Disengaging, as you’re already learning, can save your sanity when you have a teen stepchild.
I also have to agree wholeheartedly with Izzy and Katherine about discipline strategies. Whatever the child’s age, it makes sense that the rules and requirements for civilized behavior are very clear in the household. Is this the situation at your place? I think anyone with a teen in the picture needs rules and regs. Maybe you and your husband can come up with some together.
We can’t stop them from being surly teens, or from being in a loyalty bind we didn’t create. We can let them know what doesn’t fly in our household–and enforce it as Izzy and Katherine do.
Thanks a lot, Wednesday and everyone. I have been working on disengaging and it’s been tough but effective. And as you can probably read between the lines, I am also working on a way to process my (considerable) anger at her mother. Oh, how I love the acronym for her: the BM. Ha! From time to time, I think about revenge fantasies. For example, she’s quite intrusine (as you can see) and also very quick to cultivate drama. Sometimes I’d like to reply to her crazy emails by writing, “Thank you so much for this extraordinary message. It provides exactly the material I need for the book that I’m writing on my experience as a stepmother.” That sort of thing.
I’m baaaaaaack! And we’ve got new comments/questions from Maggie, Mary, and Camille
(And only one anagram!)
Hi All,
I want to direct everyone to Mary Kelly-Williams’s website, http://www.marriedwithbaggage.com. Mary gets stepfamily life. She is not afraid to take unpopular positions, if they are the positions that with help couples in a remarriage with children and those children of any age come to terms with each other and their step situation.
I just have to comment on the discipline…I’m a CP stepmom, which means I’ve got Junior 24/7 unless bio-mom has him on her weekend. My husband and I are a team on this – and if Junior is lying, stealing, or being disrespectful, consequences come out fast and dispassionately. If he brings home a failing progress report, he’s banned from the TV and all things electronic – and I hand out consequences for rule infractions all the time. That said, there are times when my husband wants to handle the discipline himself – as he puts it, “let me be the bad guy…he still talks to you and we need that door to stay open.” But there are times when I need to play both good cop/bad cop because my husband is active national guard and goes away for 2 weeks at a time.
The books that say not to discipline…the recommendation doesn’t really work in my situation.
Married With Baggage has just been added as a resource link here (how did I miss this one?
)
Maggie,
How I wish I had a dollar from every woman who has told me that her husband ignores the unpleasantness of stepreality. Leaving her to pick up the slack, feel the feelings, and try to resolve the problems. It’s frustration, and a death sentence for a marriage.
At the risk of sounding relentlessly self-promoting, have you and your husband read the chapter of my book called “Him”? I think it could help your husband understand where he is coming from, and how the two of you can be a support to one another.
About his two daughters. My advice (I don’t usually give advice, but I seem to be on a tear today) is to leave it alone. Is it such a terrible thing that SD15 doesn’t join your for Thanksgiving? Most women with teen stepdaughters would say no, not so terrible. Might your husband be sad? Maybe. Might both of your lives be less aggravating with her staying at mom’s? Certainly. In addition to what would be best for you, it would be best for HER for you to leave this alone. Because if there is a big drama about where she’ll be for Thanksgiving, it will just inflate her sense of her own power in the world, gratify her inner teen drama queen, and also make her feel guilty and scared that she’s in charge, not the grownups. She needs to see the rest of the grownups going about the business of being calm, rational, non-litigious adults since her mother is incapable of that.
And if it’s any consolation, biological and adoptive siblings also fight like cats and dogs. They just don’t usually have a drama queen grown up stirring the pot like SD15 has with her mother.
This is one of those times, stepmom, when it’s not your problem. And that’s a wonderful thing. Just say No to Family Court over the holidays, and hopefully ever. Your husband’s daughters are getting to an age where really they will be more in charge of what they do and where they go. Then it’s just up to you and your husband to let them know when they’re welcome and when it’s not a good time. Trust me, it’s right around the bend. Hang in there.
Thanks Peggy for adding my link! Good to “meet” you!
I have an anagram…
A damndest winery (not really sure that “damndest” is a word, but I thought it was funny!)
Thanks Wednesday! Your advice really does help. I’m going to reread the chapter of your book that you suggested and ask my husband to read it as well.
Camille,
Thank you for adding your perspective here. I’m always so interested to hear from adult stepchildren who have read the book. Plus, as a stepmother, it’s nice to have confirmation that we can and do get beyond these stuck ways of thinking about our stepsituations (and I include myself here). Of course you didn’t love your stepdad like a dad. He wasn’t your dad! It really sobers me to think about how difficult it was for people like you, your mother, and your stepfather 45 years ago, when there was even less understanding and support of stepfamilies than there is now.
Take care,
wednesday
Maggie,
The anagram just made me spit out my green tea. Thanks for the laugh!
Hi Peggy and Wednesday,
First, Wednesday, I LOVE your book!
Second, I’ve got two great stepsons, although I am very resentful of the youngest. I feel my husband babies him too much and it makes me defensive.
The youngest stepson left his coat on the counter last night, as well as leaving the foil wrapper from his yogurt on the counter! I refuse to clean up after him, yet he continues to do it.
Is that silly? Am I overreacting?
Oh gosh – back on the discipline thing real quick – best book I found (wish I found it when my youngest daughter was She From The Pod People – yes, I thought some alien snatched her and replaced her with a bleep bleep bleep for three years) “Have a New Kid By Friday” by Kevin Leman. He doesn’t tell you on which Friday you will have a new kid, but his strategies work whether the kid is 3 or 30. Seriously, it’s like he applied the Dog Whisperer’s strategies to kids (and husbands!)
It works. I HIGHLY recommend it!
I am curious about how to deal with narcissistic mothers. My husband’s ex-wife has been described as a narcissistic mother by more than one psychologist who I have spoken with. While I know that neither my husband nor I have any control over what she says about us (aside from the whole issue of parental alienation) in her own home, her own narcissism is coming out fast and furious the older the boys are, particularly when they are with my husband and me at our home. Based on the extremely difficult relationship that I have with the ex-wife, it isn’t practical or advisable (I think) for me to get involved. However, what advice would you offer to my husband when the ex-wife calls during one of my stepsons visits, stirs the pot, and then leaves them completely confused and upset?
Here’s an example: Last spring, my oldest stepson was visiting for about a week. During that week that he was with us, his mother called him 4 times in a row to ask him whether he would like for her boyfriend to accompany the kids, her, and her parents during their summer trip to France. All of this happened when my husband was at work, and I let my stepson answer the phone when she would call. Nevertheless, he made it clear to her that he wasn’t comfortable with the idea, and after he said that, she called three more times to find out when he would feel more comfortable, how long it would take him to feel comfortable, etc., etc. After the fourth and final phone call, he was completely beside himself because he felt that he had hurt his mother’s feelings by telling the truth. I later told my husband what happened and then he later called his ex and told her to deal with those issues on her own time with the kids – not when they’re at our house.
That being said, the controlling and narcissistic behavior continues to manifest itself whenever the boys are at our home. What would you suggest that my husband do about this – especially when he’s at work, and then she will call our home to speak with the kids, knowing that I’m the only one there. She never does this when the kids are with us and my husband is also home. I just hate seeing what it does to the boys, and, given the fact that they spend so little time with us in our home, I’d like for them to be at ease and comfortable with us and not put into the middle of some tumultuous drama.