October 13th Guest of Honor – Wednesday Martin!
As many of you know, I’m a HUGE fan of Wednesday Martin. I loved her book, “Stepmonster” (Read My Review) and quite frankly, I just love the way Wednesday incorporates her research and breaks it down for the lay person (not too mention, I think she likes John Gottman as much as I do!)
About Wednesday
Wednesday Martin has worked as a writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades.
The author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (Houghton Mifflin, 2009), she also blogs for Psychology Today and The Huffington Post, as well as her own website, www.wednesdaymartin.com on issues including stepfamily life, mothering and stepmothering, gender, and media.
Wednesday has appeared as a stepparening expert on the BBC Newshour, NBC’s Weekend Today, and FOX. She has spoken about stepmother reality on NPR (including “On Point”) and dozens of local and regional radio stations nationwide.
Her book Stepmonster is a uniquely comprehensive, compassionate, and research-based consideration of stepfamily dynamics and stepmothering. It has been endorsed and recommended by stepfamily resources including The Stepfamily Center, The Step Project, and Married with Baggage coaching for stepfamilies.
Francesca Adler-Baeder of the National Stepfamily Resource Center calls Stepmonster “profound” and “enlightening.” The Feminist Review recently called Stepmonster “essential reading and an important addition to the literature of motherhood” while stepfamily coach Patti Deville notes that Wednesday “has brought a seriousness and understanding to the subject of stepmothering that is rarely found.”
A stepmother for ten years, she lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons.
One lucky stepmom will win a SIGNED copy of Wednesday’s book, “Stepmonster,” but you have to participate to be eligible. In addition to asking Wednesday your most pressing stepmom question, you need to come up with five anagrams for Wednesday Martin!
What’s an anagram? I’ll take “Anagrams” for $2,000 Alex! No, this isn’t Jeopardy, but an example of an Anagram for Wednesday Martin is Mandarins Tweedy! Or Daydreams Net Win! Have fun with this! Lord knows, we stepmoms need to have FUN!
Nope, not silly, not overreacting. Here’s what Dr. Lauren Ayers told me when I went to see her about my relationship with my stepdaughter:
“I tell so many of my clients, I wish all kids had a stepparent. Because a stepparent has higher expectations of that kid than a parent does, generally. And that kind of standard can be so motivating and helpful for the child’s development.”
Stepparents ALWAYS feel their stepkids are capable of doing more, and doing better, and we’re almost always right. Now it’s just a question of reframing things so your husband sees you as an ally in your stepson’s development, not a ‘wicked stepmother.’
Try the following communication formula: “Honey, I have an idea that I hope will help you, me AND Junior. You know I love him, and I love you. And I don’t want to feel like a resentful grouch picking up after him. I also want to help him grow and become responsible and helpful. I think he’s old enough to hang up his own jacket and clean up after himself. What do you think?”
If your husband says, Sure, I agree, then together, as a couple, come up with a way to “help” Junior stop leaving his crap around. And an incentive to motivate him to do so. Figure out something he’d love. Then tell him it will happen of he can have it–after a month of no one needing to clean up after him. I have an 8-year-old and I’m very fond of saying, “It’s not bribery. It’s a reward system.”
I know it’s hard not to scream at your husband something like, “I’m not picking up after Pigpen one more time!!” But it will get you nowhere. Vent to me, then go to him like the most rational person since the French Enlightenment. If you need to say anything more pointed, just to feel better, try to frame it as, I just want to not feel taken advantage of around here, and I think some very small changes could make a lot of difference so I have more energy for you and the boys.
Oh, it’s so refreshing to know I am not being “too tough” on him.
It bothers me to see fruit snack wrappers sitting out in plain site, and I am the only one who seems to care.
I saw the coat and yogurt top on the counter last night and didn’t say a word. Not to Junior, nor my husband. My daughter wanted to say something, but I quietly asked her to ignore it like I was.
My husband saw it, and asked Junior to put his coat away. When Junior picked up his coat, there were two pencils lying underneath it from the boys doing their homework earlier. My husband even asked them to pick up their pencils!
I think he’s getting it. I just wish Junior would.
Thank you so much! I will try that next time the situation presents itself.
Katherine, I can relate. What about simply turning off the phone ringer during the day? Or do you have caller id? Just avoid letting her into your home as much as possible. It’s hard, I know, especially when the kids have email or if they have their own cell phones.
Hi Katherine, Wednesday and Peggy,
I’m chiming in kind of late, but wish I would’ve found out about this chat earlier.
At any rate, I wanted to respond to Katherine about the narcissitic ex-wife in her life. My question to you, Katherine, is why haven’t you and your husband set boundaries for his ex-wife? Why is she allowed to called 3 or 4 times a day for things that should be handled when the kids are in her home? Husbands need to set clear cut boundaries for their ex-wives, be consistent and never waiver out of guilt. Tell her that although the kids have unlimited phone access to her, meaning they can call her whenever they’d like, she can only call once per day. Just because she’s the ex-wife and kid’s mother doesn’t mean she gets an all access pass into your world when they are with you. One phone call will suffice unless of course there is some sort of emergency. If she doesn’t adhere to your requests, then consult your attorney and court order her to be limited to one phone call per day.
We had the same problem with my husband’s ex-wife and did the above-mentioned and it worked. It’s all about setting boundaries and sticking to it. Now if you’re wondering about how this will affect the kids, don’t. Calmly tell the kids that while they can contact mom anytime they want, mom will only be calling between the hour of 8 and 9 pm. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!! If you never set any, there will never be any and ex-wife will think that she’s entitled to do whatever SHE feels is necessary. I’m sure many of us stepmoms can attest to the fact that this way doesn’t work. Even the most harmonious “blended” families have healthy boundaries and this is mainly the reason that they are so harmonious.
Just my two cents. Hope it helps Katherine.
Warmly,
Kela
Carol,
Sorry that I missed your post before. First I want to acknowledge all your are going through. It’s textbook, yet also worst-case scenario. I hope that doesn’t make you feel discouraged but rather empowered to realize that the two of you are still standing.
That is what matters. The two of you. I want to encourage you and your husband to get to a therapist who understands couples in a remarriage with children, who understands stepfamily dynamics, and who understands parental alienation syndrome, and who is a CERTIFIED counsellor in the area of remarriage with children as soon as you can, if you haven’t. Promise? You can contact Jeanette Lofas who certifies stepfamily counsellors (google her) or the National Stepfamily Resource Center.
I am feeling very protective of your marriage, you, and your children. I am very proud of your husband for telling his girls, in spite of all the fear he must be feeling, that he will not allow them or their mother to destroy your marriage. I might tell him how proud you are and how grateful you are to have such a husband. Has he read the chapter of my book called “Him”? I truly think it will help.
As to the ex wife, she is clearly disturbed. I want you and your husband to find a way to imagine that the crazier she acts, the stronger the two of you get as a couple, the more she brings you together.
I share your sense that it is unhealthy for your kids to see their mom villainized. I’d like to see you and your husband spending couple time every week. I’d like your husband to hear that you understand his pain and need him to understand yours–in shitty situations, that is the essence of partnership. If his girls want to stay away, so be it. There is really nothing to do here but disengage from the seriously unhealthy ex wife, and if that means the girls stay away, try to think of the good in this. It gives you more time with your husband and kids without the distraction of kids in a severe loyalty bind. They may come back. It’s a question of taking care of yourselves and waiting, without putting your lives on hold.
Good luck,
wednesday
Katherine,
My ex husband was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder right before we divorced. He’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older. The best way to deal with someone with NPD is not to. They are toxic.
Unfortunately, my daughters have to deal with him so all I could do was give them information on how to cope and deal with him.
There are a number of support sites for those who have to deal with NPDers…And Dr. Sam Vanakin is one of the top experts (and he is one himself)
I love the idea of a “Not a Self-Abnegating Cash Cow” t-shirt!
I have a confession to make. I quit making money in part because I was angry that my money seemed to slosh over into paying for expenses for the kids that I didn’t even agree were necessary expenses. I had a hard time saying no, and I wanted to feel like part of the family, and I didn’t want to feel like a bad guy. So, in the back of my brain I think I figured if I wasn’t making any money, people wouldn’t try to spend it for me and I wouldn’t have to say no. I figured if I was going to give — which I WANTED to do — I would rather give my time, which actually involved me — not just my cash.
Kela – you are here now and that’s what counts!
I’d love to do that, Kathy – I really would. But part of my concern lies in the reason why she’s been so angry with me for the past two years: she called our home very late one night once the kids were in bed and, after I answered the phone and explained that to her and suggested that I have the stepson she wanted to speak with call her the next day, she just kept insisting. A few weeks later, she told my husband that when I had tried to let the kids sleep, I was preventing her from staying in constant contact with her children.
She gets herself whipped up so quickly, I’m just not sure on how to handle this situation and still avoid drama. The kids do have email, and she’ll call my husband and be furious with him that the kids aren’t immediately emailing her back. They also have a cell phone, but they’re not allowed to use it when their at our house – and even if they could, I’m fairly certain that she’d call them on the cell and pull the same stunts. Is it OK to just turn the phone ringer off? And even if I do, how do my husband and I work around the fact that when she does get to speak with the kids, she will pull one of these stunts? I know I can’t control everything, but I just hate to see the kids so upset like this.
Kela – I really like what you’ve suggested. I’ll talk with my husband about doing what both you and Kathy have suggested and encourage him to set the boundaries with her. Because she doesn’t listen to or respect me, I won’t be the one who will be able to discuss boundaries and limiting her phone calls to our home. Thanks so much for your advice.
Oh, Katherine, I think you and I could be very good friends. I’ve been through this for sure. But you KNOW in your heart of hearts that her reason for this rift between you 2 is completely boneheaded nonsense. Of course you weren’t preventing her from staying in contact with them! She has no business calling at that hour unless it’s an emergency! The thing is–and we’re also dealing with an unstable personality here (borderline, we suspect)–if you treat her craziness as if it’s real and legitimate, you feed it. You buy into it. But what if you simply let it go, like water off a duck’s back, in your response to her and to the boys, then you maintain some stability and rational thought prevails. I *loved* Wednesday’s line earlier about venting to her, or any friends, all you want and then approaching everyone else like the most rational person since the French Enlightenment, and I encourage you to do that too. Your home is your home and she has no business calling there unless it’s a legitimate emergency.
Katherine, you are very welcome and I’m glad that I could share something that might be helpful to your situation as well. I know, from experience, how difficult it is to deal with an ex-wife, but I also know, from experience, that she can be “dealt with.” Even when your husband speaks to her about the new boundaries, there will be some resistance, A LOT of resistance, but you have to STICK TO IT. There is no need to turn your ringer off and you shouldn’t have to do that in your own home. Let her know a convenient time to call the boys each day and let that be it. There should be no late night calls unless there is an emergency and define emergency for her. Again, if she doesn’t adhere to it, if might be more time consuming, but call your attorney and include it in the court order. Trust me, it’s worth it! Many don’t realize that these types of things can be included in the court order, especially if they are negatively affecting the children.
Remember, set boundaries and NEVER waiver!
Warmly,
*Kela*
Katherine,
It’s true, you can’t control her being a lunatic. What kind of a nut insists you wake up her kids so she can talk to them? A narcissist. And remember, here’s the funny thing about narcissists: they alternate between being utterly grandiose, and completely insecure and self-hating. A narcissist has a hole at her core where the rest of us have a self. That’s why she falls apart when she can’t speak to her sons. Because inside her, there is nothing. She depends on the self reflected back to her by other people. It’s pathetic, really. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t infuriating and totally out of line. Check out the DSM online for a great discussion of narcissistic personality disorder–it may help.
(Kela is a fantastic stepfamily coach from blendedfamilysoapopera.com if she’s the Kela I’m thinking of, by the way, so she really knows her stuff!) (Might be another Kela, however!) (Either way, I liked her advice)
I remember the heart palpitations caused by crazy phone calls. And also the heart palpitations caused by trying to control the crazy phone calls. This is much, much bigger than you Katherine, and this woman will ruin her son’s lives whether you let her speak to them while they’re at your place of not. One thing you might suggest to your husband: he could tell the boys that they are welcome to talk to mom or not while they are in your place, and they are welcome to put them blame on him if they don’t want to talk to her, saying he’s forbidden it. That could free them a bit.
Other than that, let go as much as you can. After 10 pm or whenever suits you and your husband, unplug the phone. That’s all there is to it. She’s welcome to go berserk, go to hell, whatever she wants to do. People unplug their phones at night all the time.
good luck
Thanks Kela! And if you ARE blendedfamilysoapopera Kela, I’m calling out your great work to Peggy, one of the most interesting step/moms you’ll ever meet.
Hi Wednesday!
It’s the same Kela. Thanks for telling me about this fabulous chat.
Great Kela! Peggy, I know you won’t mind me mentioning http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com–maybe you already know about it and know each other. Kela gives great advice to steps every day.
Kela – awesome advice! Katherine, a narcissist needs Narcissistic Supply (NS). Don’t become the supply. Boundaries aren’t just a good thing, they are a necessity when dealing with anyone with a Cluster B type personality disorder.
Kela – I have your site linked to mine already! Check under Stepfamily Resources
Thank you very much, Wednesday! I’m totally impressed and in love with Stepmonster and your views as well. I am always HIGHLY recommending it to all of my fellow stepmoms and clients.
Kela
Thanks Wedensday…
As to the phone call crap… been there… the Ex was even texting them, asking what was going on with me & telling them how to respond.. AND calling me names… now IF the stepdaughters come… cell phones get confiscated & all calls screened… we even took away MY kid’s cell phones & said it was OUR family time & it wasn’t to be interuppted by nonsense from ANYONE.
another anagram: Dainty Man Weeds (husbands who won’t be MEN)
Hi Peggy!
I linked your site to mine a long to ago…fabulous!
Kela
to clarify my anagram… my hubby ISN’T a Danity Man Weed
Hi Everyone!
Thanks for the great chat and straight talk about blended families! I know my husband has the illusion that we will all be one big happy family, but with all of the PAS and abuse that my stepdaughter has been through I am sure it is not that simple. Thanks for the research in your book Wednesday, I especially loved the research about natural selection. It really helped explain to me why I felt so much more negatively toward my stepdaughter after each of my children were born. I just wanted to say to Jessica that I live in MA and recently we were in court for CS modification and since my income is so significant that was taken into consideration for my husband’s CS order. I just found out about this recently and it makes me FURIOUS! Fortunately they were able to negotiate the CS to an amount closer to the guidelines. However, just because I have a master’s degree and a good job, and took only 1 month of maternity leave after each of my kids were born, I make good money. While biomom spent 6 years at home treating her child support like alimony. Do yourself a favor Jessica and get some good legal advice. My husband and I keep ALL separate accounts and we signed a prenup before we married (I had significant assets that I had earned previously). So good luck and protect yourself! I never apologize for protecting my money from “the bloodsucker”!!
Thanks everyone for helping me to feel sane in this very difficult situation and ((HUGS))
I’m so late to this chat but I just wanted to say…Wednesday, you’re book is cool enough to get stolen!!! I left it on a table at the coffee shop I frequent, with my phone and laptop while I ran to the bathroom and someone stole the book!!! Not the phone, not the computer, but the book! Hopefully it was not stolen by a vindictive Ex or misguided stepchild, but by someone who will actually benefit from reading it.
Thanks for everything you do!
Also, hubby & I go out on regular dates every week.. have read sooo many books (emarrassed to say Stepmonster hasn’t been one, YET! I do follow all the blogging though!) We’ve been through some counselling & have the support of our church family as well as MY family…
However, my inlaws have sided with the Ex so they can see THEIR grandchildren, and bad mouth my kids & I in the process… the Ex has used this newest thing with MY inlaws to also drag other family members into choosing “sides” & when my husband expressed his disgust with his brother & sis inlaw, they have also decided that being “friends” with the Ex is more important to them than my hubby… the seriously disturbed Ex is just that…
There are days I just want to scream… other’s where I want to tell them all what I really think of their stupid asses… & still other days I just cry… I pray daily for things to change with at least my inlaws… but whatever…
the hubby just informed me (he’s home for lunch) that he’s going ahead with adopting MY kids.. he also stated that as sad as it is, MY kids & he have closer relationships than he & HIS kids do…
Eyes Wide Open,
Thanks for being here. I can think of no greater compliment than someone stealing your copy of my book–except them BUYING it and leaving yours alone! Eyes Wide Open has a great blog, everyone.
Jill,
I like the formula of giving your time, rather than your cash. Also, don’t hesitate to reel it in should you feel that your time isn’t being appreciated in the same way you did with the money. Sometimes not putting our necks out too far is the best solution. I wish I had know that, and had the self confidence to act on it, ten years ago!
Carol,
I’m not surprised that your kids have a better relationship with your husband than his own kids do. Because your kids have a sane, loving mother facilitating the relationship, while his kids have a sick, undermining narcissist putting them in a tortuous loyalty bind every second of their lives.
His girls might grow up and see the reality. Or, I hate to say it, they may end up sick like their mother, especially if she has borderline personality disorder as well as NPD. The important thing is your mental and physical health, your marriage, and your kids. Without that, the ship goes down. I want you and your husband to take good care of each other. And remember every time an in-law or ex does something sick and crazy, imagine that all their misdirected, wasted energy is only making your union stronger.
Let me know if it works!
best,
wednesday
Wednesday, were you ever afraid to talk or write in the open about what being a stepmom felt like for you? If you were, what happened to make you go ahead anyway? If you weren’t, why do you think that is? I have to confess I have a HUGE platonic girl crush on you for your truthfulness and gutsiness.
Thank you! Late to get over here and I have to fly and maybe you are done, but in any case I just want to say it again: THANKS!
We’ve just started family therapy. I am doing my best to keep that cloak of “evil stepmother” off me. It just doesn’t fit.
Biomom of my stepdaughters is probably borderline, my ex is undiagnosed (maybe) narcissist. Hubby and I met on a verbal abuse message board so we’ve contemplated this stuff up one side and down the other.
The expectations things rings loudly in my ears. Hopefully we can get on the path of letting that go and not seeing this marriage and restructured family as a means to “heal” all that went before. I’ve insisted from the beginning that I’m not my stepdaughters’ mother. They have a mother. What is still hurting is the fact my husband tells me they all see my behavior as inconsistent and that my son has different rules than they do. Ugh. We didn’t have written rules for two years because hubby didn’t think we needed them. In his words, “The girls don’t need them.” But his stepson did. I am feeling a lot of projection and it hurts. I am hoping the therapist can help to sort this out and if it is me I’ll do all that I can to change it…but I can say this here, I know it isn’t me. Double ugh. My bio son goes back and forth between our house and his father’s and the two girls are here all the time. Son is 13, girls are 16 and 18.
Trying to be assertive and insist rules be followed. Hubby doesn’t follow up much, though he tells me I don’t follow up. Other than that…things are great! =)
This has been an amazing day! Wow! Wednesday, if you are still around, Tamara has a question that came in while I had to run to a meeting.
Tamara,
thanks for your insights here, your advice to jessica, and the education. I don’t know enough about the financial side of how stemothers can protect themselves. I do know that I highly recommend protecting all you can in case an ex wife becomes convinced that what’s hubby’s and YOURS should also be for the kids. That would probably push me to my limit. and it is great to know that there are relatively simple steps to take to get this (relatively) under control.
Glad you made it today, and take care.
wednesday
I’m leaving work soon myself but I’m feeling a bit better about things thanks to everyone here. I did call Lara, who calmly explained the situation as she saw it. The “household income” which includes mine can be taken into consideration though the calculations should not be run on my income, only on FDH’s. She gave me some good statements to use and I have typed them up for FDH; the hearing is Thursday and I will update Wednesday Martin so that she has the info for others.
Tamara, I’m sorry you had to go through that with CS! FDH and I are going to make some budgetary guidelines after the hearing.
Hi LSdinaz,
Sounds like you are holding down the fort emotionally and I commend you. Keep the conversation going with your husband. Keep on talking, keep on joking, if you need to, about how you need the talking more than he does, but keep doing it!
These are tough ages you’re going through and frankly I’m glad your husband’s girls are moving toward independence. I’m sorry about the inequalities and power imbalances in your household. It might help a little to know that you are typical. A good therapist will bring this point home–and suggest some solutions.
It does hurt to be disliked by one’s stepkids. You don’t have to like it. At all. You don’t have to like your stepkids, even. There’s no law about that, fortunately, because they all go through some pretty unsavory patches on their developmental journey. Find a trusted friend or therapist you can talk to about this without fear of being judged, is my best advice. That will help it pass, or help you accept it, sooner.
I know that Erin Walter, who is a stepmom and a financial advsior, has a free report on her website for “Second Wives.” I have her link under “Financial Resources” (Be Protected)
Jill – you are not alone in having a platonic girl crush on Wednesday!!
Jill,
I have to wrap up here and take my son to an appointment. But how could I not respond to someone who says she has a girl crush on me?? I’m flattered!
To answer your question about writing honestly–I get my share of flak but I’m surprised and gratified that I don’t get more. The thing is, the people reading my book are mostly stepmothers, and they know that I’m not a monster, that I’m expressing things we all likely feel or have felt at some point. I’d be more scared to put myself out there for people who don’t get it. NPR call in shows make me break out in hives!
Also I made my book very research-based so no one could dismiss me as a kook or a crank or a bitch. Well, they can, but they’ll have to rebutt the research along the way.
thanks for being here and for commenting jill.
xx wednesday
I’ve got to sign off now, but first thanks so much Peggy and everyone who has been here. I really appreciate having the opportunity to chat with you all.
Please check in with my blogs regularly (www.wednesdaymartin.com; psychologytoday.com/stepmonster; and starting next week, I’ll be blogging for the Huffington Post).
Stay in touch–I love and learn from all your comments. And I’m always open to suggestions about topics you’d like me to write about.
Last but not leasat, the anagrams cracked me up, you guys! Leave it to Peggy…
xx wednesday
Wednesday,
Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to answer questions here!
And Ladies – we need more anagrams…Wednesday still has to pick a winner for a signed copy of her book, so anagram away!!
Don’t forget, this Friday, I have a bonus guest, my friend, sister stepmom and FASHION COACH, Susan Kanoff! She’ll be on The Toolbox answering all your fashion questions – (and you know how I feel about self-care – so indulge yourself and check back in this Friday!)
STEADY! MAD WINNER
Did someone already post this one?
Thank you Wednesday, thank you Peggy.
Wednesday, thank you for responding to my little questionless rant. You know, it gave me an “aha” moment and I have to thank you for that. The girls are “good girls” and for the most part are very sweet to my face and especially nice when their father is around. One on one we usually do pretty well. Behind our backs, they talk. I’ve came down the steps and accidentally stumbled in on their conversation once when they must have thought I wasn’t home. They were complaining about their stepbrother, me and their father and what they saw as some kind of injustice involving the sharing of a cinnamon roll. When I asked the girls how they thought it made them look when they said unkind about other they did admit that it didn’t make them look too good.
In fairness to my husband, he really doesn’t see much of this. I worry because I don’t want the girls to follow in their mother’s footsteps, just as I don’t want our son to follow in his father’s when it comes to the personality disorders.
But anyway, here is the “aha” ~ I have been assuming that the girls DO like me. My husband tells me that they love me. They might, indeed. But the situation is one in which the biomom has definitely NOT loosened the loyalty ties and the girls can’t help but feel conflicted. I don’t know, it is an odd sense of relief to think, “Yes, they don’t really like me.” That explains a lot.