Not Taking Things Personally: Lessons Learned From The 40 Day Challenge

Mar 21, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

I’m excited to post Heather’s amazing results from the 40 Day Challenge: Don’t Take Things Personally. You, too, can take this challenge anytime you want to. Why not start today and experience the rewards and benefits of not taking things personally!

By Heather Hetchler

So there I was, February 15, innocently sitting at my computer and listening to The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show with Peggy and Erin. Cathryn Bond Doyle and Tricia Powe were the guests. I knew I would learn something that night but I never expected to receive the gift that their show gave me.

To give you a brief background, I have been a stepmom since 2007. I am the mom of four (two boys and two girls) and the custodial stepmom of two girls. Our six children range in age from six to eleven. Our house is full of a mixture of joy and pain. My stepdaughters have not seen their mother in nearly 5 years, by their mom’s choice. They are hurting and my 9 year old stepdaughter transfers all of her pain onto me.

So when Cathryn started talking about not taking things personally, I was all ears. At the time, I felt as if my stepdaughter was out to get me. That she was purposely and maliciously setting out each day to bring me down. And she was succeeding (or rather I was letting her succeed). I made a decision that night to challenge myself not to take things personally and to hold myself accountable by blogging daily.

I learned many valuable lessons through this experience and I’d like to share with you my top 5:

1. Concentrate on what YOU can do in the relationship. I accepted the fact that my stepdaughter is in so much pain from the divorce and abandonment by her mother that she is not emotionally healthy to have a stable relationship with me. I could be any woman in the world, and she would still transfer her hurt and anger onto me.  This doesn’t diminish the fact that it hurts me to be treated this way but it has allowed me to compartmentalize the verbal abuse and know in my head that it’s not personal.

This same philosophy holds true for ex-wives. Many are not emotionally capable of having a positive and stable relationship with you or your husband.

Focus on what you can do to not take things personally. Identify times of the day that are most stressful for you and then schedule alone time for yourself during that period. Another strategy that I address below is letting go of some control.

2.  There are benefits for my marriage. – As women, we are processing relational information endlessly. And many times, we are using our husbands as our processing partners. Our men love us and do not like seeing us in pain, especially at the hands of their child or ex-spouse. For me, I was using my husband as my processing partner and sharing every detail of every exchange I had with his daughter. I had put him in a no-win situation. He was torn between the wife that he loved and the daughter that he loved. I put him in the middle even though it wasn’t my intention. I did so by telling him everything. He was hurting by seeing me so hurt.

When I started this challenge and really worked on not taking things personally, I found my husband and I spending more time talking about stuff we wanted to talk about and not analyzing the day’s events. I also found I had more energy at the end of the day to focus on him and us.

To have a strong family, we must put our marriage first. Yet, we often pull away from our husbands when we feel distant from his kids or angry at his ex-wife. These are the times we need to draw closer to him.

3.  I am better off not knowing everything. Before this challenge, I would listen to my stepdaughter tell me all about her phone conversations with her mom. Then I would get so worked up when I heard all the lame excuses why she hadn’t called for six months or made promises that I knew she wouldn’t keep. I would see my stepdaughter get off the phone and dance around the house in complete “joy” while I knew what was around the corner – more rejection when the promises were unmet.  I would start visualizing what that meant for me.

Now, I choose not to listen to the recap. I don’t want to know what was talked about and I feel 110% better on days when she does call. I put myself on a need to know basis and I love it.

This can be applied in an ex-wife situation. You can let your husband know you don’t need the details, just the info regarding dates and times for visitation schedules, etc…. This will blow his mind and make him eternally grateful. Men typically aren’t into details plus they don’t like to deliver information to their wives that they know can be potentially explosive!

4.  When I gave up having to be right, I gained peace. I don’t need to engage my stepdaughter to win. Actually, I win by not engaging. In the past, I had a strong need for my stepdaughter to admit to her wrongdoing. How many times do you think that happened? We would work ourselves into a “heated” exchange and I would get so worked up. Our exchanges left me feeling emotionally and physically worn out for the rest of the day. Sometimes it carried into the next day or week.

I realized from the radio program that you “can’t fight crazy.” When my stepdaughter is in a combative mood, there is no rationalizing with her. I can talk til’ I’m blue in the face and she will just try to tear me down.

I have put my stake in the ground and I’m saying that my peace of mind, emotional well-being, and energy levels are more important than having to be right.

5.  It’s really not about ME! Yes, it’s true. The verbal attacks from my stepdaughter, the eyeball rolling, the defiance; they are not about me. They are about the pain my stepdaughter is in. This knowledge has released me from the pain I was feeling. It is a gift that I treasure daily. Since it’s not about me, I shouldn’t measure my success as a stepmom based on my relationship with my stepkids or by the emotional well-being of my stepkids. I measure my success by me and where my heart is. With this new measurement, I don’t feel like a failure as a stepmom anymore.

Now, it wouldn’t be true to say I don’t take things personally anymore. I still get my feelings hurt and I still get upset. The biggest difference is what I do with those feelings and how long I hold on to them. I am now more conscious of when it is happening and what I will do with my feelings. By knowing what is at the root of the problem, I am able to let go of the pain and not allow it to control me.

I am very thankful for this challenge and for prompting me to tackle this painful issue head on. While my challenge is coming to a close, I know I will face the same decision every day; the choice to take it personal or the choice to let it go. I know with the knowledge I’ve gained through these last 35 days I have the tools to make the healthy choice of not taking things personally.

The Stepmom’s Toolbox has a new challenge: The 30 day self-affirmation challenge. This is a great follow up to “not taking things personally.” One of my affirmations is “I will take captive any negative thought today. I will only allow myself to dwell on the positives.”

I challenge you to Not Take Things Personally and to Affirm Yourself. The gifts you will receive from both challenges are priceless.

To read Heather’s daily progress on her quest to not take things personally, visit her blog, Cafesmom