No One Appreciates Me
Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt like this or are feeling like this. As stepmoms, feeling unappreciated is one of the biggest complaints I see. And it’s usually followed by a list of all the things the stepmom does for her family.
“I do all the laundry, make sure food’s on the table, the house is clean, I cook all the meals, and I help pay child support!”
If you feel unappreciated, how do you view yourself? Do you also feel mistreated? Like a victim? Meritorious? It is through this view of yourself, that you justify your “stinkin’ thinkin’” or worse, your behavior towards your husband, his ex, and his kids.
The Arbinger Institute identifies four types of Justification in the book “The Anatomy of Peace.” I recently wrote about the first type, “I’m Better Than Her,” a few weeks ago. Now it’s time to tackle the “I Deserve” type of justification. Remember, a crooked wall needs to be justified so if you are justifying your behavior, you are a little crooked. Don’t worry – we all are – including yours truly.
If you are operating under the “I Deserve” box, your view of yourself is
- I’m mistreated
- I do so much for them and get nothing in return
- I’m unappreciated in my own home
Your view of others may be:
- His kids are so ungrateful
- He has no idea how he’s mistreating me
- His ex is mistaken, I do so much for those kids
Your feelings may resemble these:
- I’m so resentful
- I feel deprived of my husband’s affection
- I’m entitled to XYZ because I did ABC
Your view of the world may be:
- This is so unfair
- I wasn’t expecting this – you owe me!
- This situation is so wrong! Where is the justice?
The biggest complaint I hear from my sister stepmoms is that they feel unappreciated for all that they do. I can’t help but think “why do you do all that? Why are you your husband’s court secretary? Why are you picking up all the parenting slack? Why are you cooking homemade meals every night from scratch? Why aren’t you allowing others to take responsiblity for themselves?
I know that I can be guitly of this kind of behavior as well but when I go down this road, I stop and ask myself, “did I agree to do this?” And if my answer is yes – then I ask myself why am I complaining? Why am I feeling sorry for myself?
I don’t do things in my remarried life thinking someone is going to hand me a silver platter with the crown jewels on top of it. I do what I do because that’s who I am. I don’t normally feel unappreciated when I step in or step up when it comes to Junior or any of my step kids.
When you feel unappreciated or mistreated, I want you to stop and ask yourself why before you do something that you have to justify why you did it because “my darling husband ignores my contribution to the family.”
What is it that you are doing that makes you feel resentful towards your family? Because trust me, you are doing something and you expect reciprocation. You aren’t doing it just because. You’re doing it for quid pro quo, a reward, a pat on the back, praise, flowers on Friday. You are doing it to get something in return.
If in fact you are doing something for your husband or your stepkids and you expect something in return – don’t be silent about it! If you agree to watch the kids because your husband has to work, tell him what you need in return! Be honest and upfront. It will save your tongue from bleeding and your heart from breaking.
There are times when you step up to the plate because it’s the right thing to do. Every fiber in your body knows when you are doing the right things for the right reasons. You feel energized and your mindset changes from one of biting resentment to abundant love.
When you act out of love and loving service, you do so for what you receive internally. Knowing you did the right thing for the right reason more than makes up for anything your husband could give you. It speaks to your character and your integrity. It speaks to who you are as a human being.
Exercise:
The next time you feel unappreciated or you feel the nasty resentment monster creep up on you, press pause.
Ask yourself
- What’s going on here?
- Why do I feel this way?
- What am I doing to cause this feeling?
- What are my expectations and who’s not meeting them?
- Are my expectations reasonable or am I expecting my husband or my stepkids to read my mind again?
- Is my heart at war or is my heart at peace?
To fully explore why we use different ways to justify our behavior, I strongly encourage you to read:
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Darn it. I hate it when posts like this read my mail
That resentment monster has been riding me for the last few days, since SD came over for weekly visitation. I like the challenge to be more vocal about what you need in return; I’ll have to try that. Maybe that’ll help with some of the problems I’m having.
Fantastic article! Sometimes we all need to hear this. Acting out of love is the best way- as mom, stepmom and wife. Great tips!
Shirley Cress Dudley
http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.come
Amy, every time I let my husband know what I need, the better off we both are! He can’t read my mind and I can’t expect him to – so win/win all the way around!
Shirely – I find when I do because it’s coming from a place of doing the right things for the right reasons, everyone benefits!
This topic came up in our Couples Counseling session yesterday. FDH said that I had been sad the past week; we talked about why. One thing was that when the skids go to their mothers’ on the weekend, I clean; while I am cleaning I get upset, angry, frustrated. I’ve read the books and listened to other stepmothers, and I *know* that I am supposed to leave my expectations at the door. But really? All of them? I expect that by 6, 11, and 15, children have learned to pick up after themselves. I’ve only been in their lives for less than 2 years; why didn’t they learn this basic fact years ago? Am I wrong? Am I supposed to say goodbye to this expectation? When I’m cleaning up the yard and there are years’ worth of accumulated soda cans, should I really not feel put-upon for having to clean up physical (not emotional) messes that accumulated before I was around? Was it really too much for BM and FDH to return their empties?? Lest you think that all I do is complain, I solved the soda can issue in a healthy way; I sorted and bagged them up and then made a deal with FSS11—if he helped me take them to the redemption center and turn them in, he could have half the money. He was all for it; problem solved. I actually gave him all the money; I didn’t want it and he was so helpful!
I know that I have a problem with dwelling on things; I know that while I am cleaning the house I am mulling over and over all the injustices of cleaning. I also know that I have a lower threshold for messes then FDH, and that I clean for my own sanity. Our counselor asked if I was upset because the kids didn’t think “it would be easier on Jessica if I cleaned up after myself.” No, I would consider that a bonus! I think they should be picking up after themselves because they think *that’s what you do*–when you dirty dishes, you put them in the sink; when you take off dirty clothes, you put them in the dirty clothes basket; when you finish playing with something, you put it away. FDH says he agrees, but I know it won’t go anywhere.
I think those answer questions 1-5! I feel like my heart is at war. I am trying to turn around 34 years worth of doing and saying exactly what was expected (ironic, I know) and rarely doing anything for me or saying what I really thought. I’m getting better at saying what I need, but now it sounds like I need to find out and tell FDH *why* I need it. Sometimes I think it is just too much to ask. I cried in his arms last night; “Am I too much work?” He already has so much on his shoulders. “No,” he said. “You are not too much work, but it’s hard on me when you are sad.” BM didn’t work, yet she’s on the pedestal (which is normal); I work full-time and I help around the house but I don’t get thank you’s. I understand that unless BM took her meds regularly she was worthless around the house; I have my own issues but I still vacuum, scrub, and clean. What is my reward? (and yes, I can pout with that whine, too!)
What do I do with this? Would it be wrong for the family to just know to “leave Jessica alone when she’s cleaning—and for god’s sake don’t ask her questions until she’s had her cup of tea or read something afterwards”? I want a clean house, and I’m not even pushing for extremes here—just picked up!
Thank you for this post! I’m so guilty of this one. I’ve felt resentful for years, and recently it has grown and made me simply a miserable person to be around. This lovely attitude has allowed me to villify my husband and feel like I am a martyr. I’m tired of carrying around the resentment.
I read something recently (and I can’t remember where) about the difference between giving and sacrificing. Giving is done with no expectation of return, and when you do it, you feel wonderful and end up getting more good things. Sacrificing has strings attached and you end up feeling resentful and terrible. This speaks exactly to what you are saying about letting go of expectations and doing something just because that’s who you are.
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. Thanks, Peggy!
Jessica,
What you are experiencing is so NORMAL! Here are a few things I’ve done to help me find my own way out of head game mess I often create for myself.
1. I ask myself “is it true?” For example, I’ll think “Junior should clean his room” or “Junior should clean up after himself.” Once I attach myself to that belief, my knickers get bunched up, my eyes cross and I’ve set myself up for a doosey. So, is it true? No – because the reality is Junior does not clean his room and Junior most certainly does not clean up after himself. Once I accept that as reality I can move forward with a game plan. The rules are pretty simple: B doesn’t happen until A is complete.
Junior HAS learned this. A lot of B’s don’t happend because he won’t complete the A’s – his loss. I no longer (or rarely) get my knickers bunched up anymore. And I do enjoy watching his head spin if I catch his butt in front of the TV before A is complete. The TV goes off, he’s sent to finish, then it’s “go to your room, do not collect $200…see ya in the morning.”
I have to work really hard on how and when I communicate to Richard about stuff with Junior. His immediate reaction is “DEFENSE” because after so many year of negative programming, he thinks I’m on the Offense or attacking or commenting on his parenting. I’ve learned to start stuff off with GOOD comments first then the hard request followed by more GOOD stuff. It’s kind of like eating an oreo cookie filled with butter instead of cream.
One of the things Richard and I are really good at is showing appreciation for each other. He makes dinner 95% of the time (while I’m off at Thai Kickboxing, teaching yoga, or doing my own thing right after work) – we take care of each other in different ways – and we say THANK YOU, we take the time to appreciate each other. We make the deposits into the marriage bank account.
What reward are you looking for? Can you articulate and be clear about what you need and want with regard to your relationship with FDH and his kids?
Yes, its what Pema Chodron keeps saying in my CD player during my commute but which hasn’t made its way through my skull yet–take the “belief” and “values” out of things. When I hear myself think a belief, I should be automatically shifting gears.
And, yes, “thank yous” are hard to come by in this family. Maybe that’s all I’m looking for?
Thanks; I’ll do some more thinking…
It’s also what Byron Katie says in “Loving What Is”
You are so welcome Naomi! Resentment is an ugly monster…and as women, it’s as if we’re taught to just suck it up and deal with it, when in fact, we can counter. We can say “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that today.” We can negotiate successful win/win situations but we have to step out of patterns of learned behavior and teach ourselves another, better way to clearly state what we want and need.
“Loving What Is” is on my “to-read” list–which just keeps growing!! And doesn’t have any fiction on it!
Peggy this is exactly what I needed to hear/read right now. As you know I’ve been in a funk…working my way out. I needed a gently reminder that I can say no I cannot do that today – or any day
So does telling Rod what I need in a raised and not so nice tone of voice count? Probably not huh — I may need to do a little apologizing all because I forgot he isn’t a mind reader. I also need to reflect about what if my “needs” are realistic expectations. Or if I am living in some fantasy world of changing everyone so they appreciate me.
Similar to Jessica – I have several issues of ‘she’s old enough…..insert whatever here. Yet it doesn’t matter how OLD someone is. IF they are never taught how to do something then of course they won’t know. As adults in the work force we encourage continued education and when trying to move up the chain of command we strive to learn new things every day. How is it that I struggle to teach my young step-daughter something? I am robbing her of a lesson in life, just because its not my job and no one appreciates what I do for her anyways. I don’t feel like I am appreciating myself when I stop being the caring and nurturing person I once was. I used to look at things through a whole different light.
I think it’s time I found that light again…thanks Peggy!