In the past, I’ve dared both moms and stepmoms to put down their seething swords, even if just for a day, and send each other a card of thanks. A simple thank you goes a long, long way – especially when it is said in earnest and is heartfelt.
This year I’m encouraging stepmoms to take the dare one small step further. I challenge you to examine your expectations.
What is it about Mother’s Day that sends you into despair? Why are you upset when your step-kids don’t acknowledge you on this day? What acknowledgement are you looking for and have you clearly communicated that to your husband?
“But he should know!”
Honestly ladies, retire that lament. Your husband doesn’t know because you haven’t told him. Without telling him, you set yourself up for a huge disappointment. And then you get angry at him because he failed at reading your mind.
“But if I have to tell him, it just isn’t the same.”
You’re right. It isn’t the same. It’s BETTER. Your man is a happy camper because he knows exactly what you want and how you want it and you are NOT disappointed! In my book that’s better than sobbing into your bowl of oatmeal because you think no one appreciates you.
Your step-kids may want to acknowledge you but do you know how many stepmom cards the greeting card industry puts out? Next time you’re looking at Mother’s Day cards let me know how many Stepmothers’ Day cards you find. Last year I found a whole ONE card and that card was so awful I wouldn’t send it to anyone. I most certainly wouldn’t send it to MY stepmom.
For the last three years my youngest stepson has lamented the lack of stepmom cards. My stepdaughters insert the word “bonus” next to the word mom. But what’s in a card anyway? And why are you hinging your happiness or sadness on a card that will be thrown out or flowers that will die within the week?
What if you remained open to all the possibilities and looked for appreciation in other ways…even if that way is as simple as little Johnny bringing you a cup of coffee.
If you are not receiving what you think you should be receiving from your husband and or your step-kids, I strongly encourage you to look at how you treat yourself. Why? Because we teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. If you don’t appreciate you, believe that you are worthy and deserving, and put yourself on your own priority list, no one else will either. We teach others how to appreciate us when we shower appreciation upon ourselves.
This Mother’s Day, my husband will be out of town. My oldest daughter lives in Dublin, Ireland, my youngest daughter lives in Denver, Co. Both my stepdaughters are new mommies and will be celebrating Mother’s Day with their own families. I’ll be running in a 3k road race in the morning and after that who knows? As always and without expectations, I remain open to all the possibilities. I encourage you to do the same.
Much love,
Peggy
Peggy, I get where you’re going with this, but you know where I am. My stepdaughters not only don’t want to participate in the wedding celebration ceremony, but they are so angry about it that they couldn’t even vocalize that without demonizing me in the process. Would setting the expectation of being honored by them be a good thing, or just put my husband in another no-win situation?
I am NOT my husband’s mother. I do NOT expect him to honor me on Mother’s Day. I am also not the mother of his children. He is in a constant struggle between me and them, requiring them to give the minimal amount of respect to me, ignoring his ex-wife’s attacks on me, and counteracting the poison she feeds to the children about me. Why on EARTH would we want cards memorializing that on Mother’s Day?
“No, K10 is not your mother and not trying to replace your mother. Now let’s go buy her a Mother’ Day card.” What?
For me, Mother’s Day will be any other Sunday. In fact, better, because I’ll have no agenda and can spend it doing whatever *I* want for once. If, one day, the children themselves decide that they want to expand it to encompass me, THAT will be my gift.
In your situation, I don’t believe setting the expectation to be honored by your stepdaughters is a good thing. I’ve never set the expectation that my stepchildren honor me on Mother’s Day nor have I harbored any hope that they do. They are old enough to chose to acknowledge me or not. Three of my four stepkids do. My stepdaughters are more overt about it.
And like you, I’ve told my husband from the get go that I am not his mother
Likewise, I’m honoring myself this Mother’s Day by running in a road race. I honor my health, my knees, my feet, and my ability to run a respectable time as I approach my half-century mark.
It’s all good K10. Especially when we stop looking for the good to come from other people. We can create it ourselves.
Much love,
Peggy
I’ll have run a 5K the day before and have postponed all my “obligations” for that weekend so I am now looking forward to it more than I was.
Thanks as always for the reply.
K10, I think you have a very healthy take on your situation and how to approach Mother’s Day. Each family is different, and there is no ‘one size fits all’ in the stepfamily world. I applaud you for using this day to take care of you!
Looks like we’re both running that weekend! Hooray for us!
Thank you so much for writing this article! I was struggling with whether or not to send BioMom a card. Sometimes she loves and appreciates all I do, and other times….well, we’ll just leave it at sometimes she feels insecure about her place in the world and I seem like the best person to take it out on. She’s in the latter place right now, so I feared sending something in thinking, for whatever reason, she might just grimace and throw it in my face for whatever reason. But you know what? *deep breath* Okay. So be it. I don’t try and win her over, I don’t try and take her place. Gosh darnit, I’m just ME. And ME likes to show appreciation to everyone around ME. So this Mother’s Day for better or worse, a little something is being sent her way.
At one particularly good break through moment her and I had one evening, she expressed that she felt very unappreciated. This threw me for loop! I thought, “But, you…you’re MOM! You’ve already got the title, the bond, the natural magic…huh.” And it dawned on me that while she is Mom, she doesn’t have near the support network I do. And her child’s father is busy working to show me how much he appreciates everything I do for the little one. Oooohhhh! *click* So, while this is never a justification for poor behavior, at least it helps me understand where she is coming from at times. It’s got to not feel so great for her to experience a lack of appreciation.
When I told my husband this, he thought about it for awhile, and then, he too, made a sincere effort to open his heart. This year, it is not just me, or me and the little one, sending something to the Mom, Dad is, too. We have decided that despite their rocky past, hearing from the other parent(s) involved in raising your kid that YOU are doing a great job and truly are appreciated for that, is IMPORTANT. It is not at all something that goes without saying. She IS held in our hearts. She may or may not be in a place to hear that right now, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said.
Oh, lol, as for the rest of it. Eh, I don’t really expect anything. Really. At first, I even felt GUILTY when my husband brought my breakfast in bed with the kiddo. I thought, “Whoa, hold up, I’m just the side show here!”. But, really? It was wonderful, and I appreciated their show of appreciation. I think to EXPECT it from people, in any area of life, though, is, uh…poor manners in the least. Yes, you should express needing to feel appreciated, but you shouldn’t ever expect to get it. It takes away from the warm fuzzies the giver gets out of doing it for you. If they do it because you demand it, is it still a display of appreciation, or just following orders? Part Two to that: watch carefully *how* people show appreciation. I would looooove for my husband to send me on a spa day for Mother’s Day. But ya know what? That’s just not his style. He loves to buy me flowers, but that’s not my style. So, invariably, I end up with him giving me a massage, potted flowers instead of a cut bouquet, and a three page letter of beautiful words I never even knew I wanted (and he never knew he had in him), and we both have a fantastic day together. I think there is definitely a meeting in the middle where the giver gives in their style, but with an effort to match the receiver’s style. That’s where the subtle, simple, beauty of it all comes together. So, I would say to be open to that
You’re welcome Taryn! You and your husband are doing a beautiful thing!
Sometimes I think this also has to do with couples learning each other’s love language. My husband shows appreciation by being in service and giving of himself. I’ve always been the “I can do it myself” kind of person and had to learn how to let go of that and appreciate what my husband was doing for me. Nothing says I Love You like an oil change
I have no expectations of Mother’s Day from my stepsons. Recently I did extensive reading and met with a counseler to help with the stepfamily dynamics. My stepsons have a mother who loves them and I totally respect that. At this point (and it may stay this way forever???) I’m at the friend stage and occaisionally I may help them with something at home when their Dad is not available and I’m not working or taking care of my biological children. Its been a huge release for me and my husband to be able let go of the “Brady Bunch” as ideal and focus on what works best for us and on our timeline. Everyone is doing so much better after this revelation!
Congratulations Marsha! Releasing the Brady Bunch fantasy and creating your own brand of “family” is the way to go. There is no rush to become an “instant family.” I have an article coming out in the Spring issue of Applaud Women that specifically addresses the time issue and what’s behind what the experts call the 7 year average it takes to blend.
Sending you a virtual high five!
Peggy
I have no expectations for Mother’s Day relating to my stepsons. They have a mom and I expect them to acknowledge her and show her some appreciation. My stepsons have always wished me a “Happy Mother’s Day” (their dad makes sure of it) but I never expect them too.
My husband makes a point of showing appreciation for me on Mother’s Day. In the early years it felt awkward but as our relationship has grown, I’ve grow into it. He’ll usually buy me something that he knows I’ve been coveting but won’t buy for myself. He writes and sweet note and thanks me for all I do for the boys and him.
My expectations lie with my own family. I always spend time with my mom on Mother’s Day and make sure to send my sister, who’s a mom too, a card. In the 8 years my husband and I have been together they have never bothered to wish me a happy Mother’s Day in return and the lack of acknowledgement hurts.
My mother in-law sends me a sweet card and gift annually on Mother’s Day and thanks me for taking care of her son and grandsons. It’s such a touching gesture.
This year, my husband and I, after visiting our respective mother’s, plan to spend the day working on our flower garden and snuggling. I’m excited to say that this is the first year my stepsons are with their mother on Mother’s Day weekend. *doing my happy dance* In the past it’s been our weekend with the boys, so Mother’s Day turned into a game of logistics around their mother’s desires regarding drop off and pick up times, as she’d constantly change the plan.
It sounds like you are going to have a wonderful weekend Amy!Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment!
I love your attitude about Mother’s Day–love yourself, and you give off a vibe which brings in appreciation. Great post and wonderful attitude to share with others! Good luck in the race!
Thanks Jen! I’ll post my race results next week!