Military Deployment The Remarried Way – Part Two

Sep 27, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

The Pre-Deployment Checklist

“With increasing demands placed on Army families and soldiers, including frequent deployments and relocations, intimate relationships are tested.” ~ Paul Boyce, Army spokesman.

According to an article in the Washington Times in 2008,

“The long and repeated deployments required of many troops have been widely blamed for unprecedented stresses on military couples. A spouse at home must manage families and households without their partner.”

If that’s not tough enough, throw in the remarried dynamic of step-children, ex-wives, child support, custody disputes, visitation schedules, etc., and you’ve got the recipe for Hot and Spicy Stressed-Out Soup.

Last month I wrote about things that can go wrong, will go wrong. Today, as I sit down to write this article, Richard and I are D-Day minus one hundred. We have one hundred days to pack in a lot of living, loving, and laughing before he deploys to the Mid-East for twelve long months. We also have a checklist of important life things that must be addressed before he leaves.

• Legal
• Updated wills
• Limited Power of Attorney

For those of you with minor step-children, you may wish to consider adding:

Child support – if the state is not taking this out of your husband’s paycheck already, you may want to make this an automatic payment. Just set it and forget it.

Visitation schedule – if you are non-custodial, will the schedule be kept as is during deployment or will it change?

Custodial – if your husband is the custodial parent, will this continue while he’s gone? If there are no extenuating circumstances with your step-children’s mom, will you continue to be custodial? Do you want to be?

Whether you are a custodial stepmom or non-custodial, it’s important that you discuss your concerns with your husband before he deploys and have a plan in place. If you have a decent, working relationship with your stepchildren’s mom, include her in the conversation as well.

House Maintenance

I am house maintenance challenged…or spoiled…either way; Richard takes care of all things related to the care and maintenance of our house. When the hot water heater committed suicide last month, I didn’t even know where the main water shut off was located. Sad…very sad.

Keep these numbers handy:

• Plumber
• Electrician
• Auto Mechanic
• AAA – now is a good time to join, because if you get a flat tire or run out of gas, AAA will come to your rescue (plus, you get fabulous discounts!)

Because we live in New England, we often lose power in the winter due to snow storms and / or ice storms. A few years ago, Richard hard wired the house to the generator in the event of a prolonged power outage. I’ve already asked him to leave detailed instructions on how to operate the generator.

Personal Finance

I know, right next to talking about prior relationships, talking about money is next on the uncomfortable subject list. But as Yoda would say, “talk must you.”  With deployments come extra pay and allowances, such as “family separation allowance,” “hostile fire/imminent danger pay,” “hardship duty pay,” and for families in the Guard or Reserves, you’ll receive “basic housing allowance.” For those deployed to a Combat Zone, all pay is federally tax exempt.

Each time my ex-husband deployed or went on a short tour, I used the extra pay and allowances to get out of debt. Richard and I intend to do the same AND save nearly all his income. How?

• Clearly state our financial goals and objectives
• Create a written spending plan
• Create a written get out of debt plan
• Create a written savings plan

Communication

“What we have here is a failure to communicate” ~ Cool Hand Luke

I am under no illusion that Richard’s deployment is going to be easy. Although we no longer have minor children, Richard is still concerned about Junior living with his mom. While I cannot completely ease his worry, I can be Richard’s back up plan in the event that things do not go well for my stepson.

Since last August, when Richard’s deployment was confirmed, we’ve kept the lines of communication open. We take the time to dial in and talk about our concerns, our hopes, and our future post deployment. Whether this is your first deployment or fifth deployment, ongoing communication is critical to staying informed, in the know, and connected.

Date Night: This is just plain common sense. Set aside time one night a week for just the two of you. Focus your conversations on the positive and on your marriage.

State-of-the-State: Typically, Richard and I have these once a month, but with deployment on our doorstep, this kind of conversation happens two or three times a month right now. They are not always pleasant, fun-filled conversations, but they are necessary. The nitty-gritty details of how things will work while he’s gone, our financial state-of-the-state, and the timing of Junior’s move to his mother’s home.

These are just two types of conversations to have before deployment. The key is to keep talking and not retreat into your own head, where your imagination can take over and turn minor issues into major catastrophes.

Build Your Support Network

If there’s one thing the military taught me, it was to build my own support network. Back in 1986, when my first husband went on a twelve month short tour to Shemya AB, Alaska, I learned very quickly how to build a network of people I could count on. At the time I was 22 years old, active duty myself, 1,800 miles from home, and I had a two year old daughter. My co-workers and friends became my family and my super stellar support network. Back then, support groups did not exist. Today, the military recognizes the need for home front support during deployments. What I see today is a vast improvement since my first “deployment” back in 1986.

It’s important to identify people in your network who can help with babysitting, shutting off the water so your basement doesn’t flood, fixing a flat tire, etc. It’s also important to stay connected to your girlfriends for shopping, movie nights, or just someone to talk to.

If you are a military spouse and not part of a support group, I strongly encourage you to join your local Family Readiness Group (FRG) or start one of your own. I’m plugged in, are you?

If you are facing a deployment in the near future, it’s time to put your own checklist together. Identify the topics unique to your remarried family and include them with Legal, Home Maintenance, Personal Finance, Communication, and Building Your Support Network.

Next Week: What Your Children and Stepchildren Need During Deployment

If you would like to read more about the home front, subscribe to my newest blog, Camp Nolan-Demers: Life on the Home Front During Deployment

Part Two  of my series of Military Deployment articles appeared in the July issue of StepMom Magazine