Military Deployment the Remarried Way – Part Three
Part Three: Helping Your Children and Stepchildren through Deployment
“The level of anxiety children experience can be predicted by the amount of psychological distress shown by both the active duty parent and the “at home” parent.”
“It’s known that, in general, a child’s level of distress is linked to parental distress.”
Dr. Patricia Lester, UCLA Assistant Professor of Psychiatry, Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, April 2010.
Lester’s observation bears repeating, “…a child’s level of distress is linked to parental distress.” Not only does this address a child’s anxiety with a deployed parent, but this also speaks to children and parents in divorce and remarriage. And when you add the two together, there’s more than enough anxiety and distress to go around.
Whether you’re a full-time, part-time, or any-time stepmom, when your stepchildren are with you, they take their cues from YOU. Their anxiety is linked to your anxiety. Their distress is linked to your distress. How then, do you help your children and stepchildren cope when dad is deployed in a combat zone?
It all starts with you. You have to put your oxygen mask on first. You have to help yourself before you can help anyone else. Do you have a plan in place to reduce or eliminate anxiety and stress in yourself and in your home? Here are some areas you may want to focus on (not all at once, pick one or two and then add on as you see fit.)
Physical – Make a list of activities you like to do. Pick one or two to do three times a week. Some examples include
- Running
- Walking
- Kayaking
- Sewing
- Cooking
- Crafting
- Fishing
- Dancing
Physical activity helps release your own feel good endorphins, gets your blood flowing, brings more oxygen into your blood stream, and generally leaves you with an elevated positive mood – not too mention it burns calories!
Emotional – Notice and pay attention to your feelings. Fear based thoughts trigger negative feelings like anger, jealousy, and envy. Thoughts manifested from love will create more positive feelings of contentment, joy, and happiness.
Mental – Having your man deployed to a combat zone is not easy but you don’t have to make it harder than it actually is. Write letters, keep a journal, plan a second honeymoon, grow a garden, paint a room, take an art class, learn a new language, become a better YOU. Dwelling in “poor me” or “why me” will increase your anxiety and stress and your children and stepchildren will feed on it.
Spiritual – Connect with your God, your Universal Energy. Pray, meditate, practice yoga, be still, be present, and accept this very moment of Now. Let go and release your worries to your higher power. Worrying, fretting, pacing, and gritting your teeth won’t bring your husband back any sooner and it certainly won’t make those around you feel at home or at ease in your presence.
Living through and thriving through deployment can be trying. Connect with your friends, your family and never hesitate to reach out and ask for help. Call your doctor, your counselor, your clergyperson and / or your local Family Readiness Group.
When you can reduce or eliminate your anxiety, not only will you be able to better handle the unique complexities of both the deployment and your remarried life, but you will be able to better help your children and stepchildren. Put your plan in place before deployment, practice your ways to reduce or eliminate stress and anxiety during and after deployment, and watch your family with thrive!
As this goes to press, my twenty-two year old step-daughter, Katie, and my 15 month old grand-daughter, Olivia, have moved in with me. Both my husband and son-in-law deployed last month for a 12 month tour to the Mid-East. You can bet I’ll be taking my own advice and teaching Katie to do the same. Olivia is counting on us!
To read more on Dr. Lester’s report go to http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/04/10040816011.htm
To learn more about taming your stress, listen to Taming Your Stress, a radio show I did with Wellness Coach, Chris Vasilliadis
Click here to read my military deployment blog, Camp Nolan – Life on the Home Front
My article first appeared in the August issue of StepMom Magazine
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