Meet Stepmom Heather Hetchler

Feb 9, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

I was a recently divorced single mom with four kids all under six years of age. I was doing well. I had healed from the pain of betrayal and divorce and had actively forgiven my ex-husband. I was focused on my children. I was not interested in dating. I was not interested in a social life. I believed in my heart that I was designed to be a wife and mother and I did not want to grow old alone but a man was not in my immediate future.  I figured God would bring someone into my life in five years and I certainly could wait. But then I met Andy.

It began as a friendship. We met at Church and our girls were hanging out together.  He was a single dad who was totally devoted to his two daughters and I admired that quality immensely in him. We talked a lot and it became apparent early on that we enjoyed each other’s company. We did a book study of “The Purpose Driven Life”. We would laugh each week as we noticed how we both underlined the exact same sentences.  Thus began what we refer to as our “wavelength”.  We started spending time together taking the kids to the park, sledding, baking cookies, etc.  Because Andy had his girls full-time, we never went on actual dates. When my kids were at their dad’s apartment, I would go over to his house and we would spend our time making dinner, eating with the girls, tucking them into bed and then talking into the wee hours while we folded laundry. I was growing to love him over heartfelt talks and folding sweatpants.  I couldn’t get over how sweet, honest and genuine he was.

A few months into our relationship, Andy lost his childcare.  We decided that I would watch the girls. It was a blessing in disguise as at that time were not yet engaged. I got to discover all types of things about them that really helped once we were married.  The biggest issue that it helped me with was feeding them. I love to cook. It brings me pleasure to serve my family a well-balanced meal every night and I take great pride in my cooking. It was quite a shock to my motherly system to have my meals and menus shot down by my soon to be stepdaughters. I learned that part of their rejection was based on past likes and part was control. They rejected my homemade pizza because I use mozzarella and not cheddar. They put ketchup on everything. They were picky but I had to realize that they were allowed to be picky in the past and that I didn’t raise them, I shouldn’t change them.  A mantra that I still sing today!

Because we were dating with young kids, it was hard to find privacy to talk when they were awake. When we needed a few minutes alone, we would sneak out into the garage and stand on the one stair.  I have grown to love that stair. It’s where we shared our first kiss. It’s where we told each other we loved one another and it’s where he proposed.  Yes, in the garage. He took my hand and led me into the garage where he had spelled out in lit tea lights “I love you” and he got on bended knee.  And as a forecast of things to come, I had no sooner said YES then his oldest daughter opened the garage door to announce she couldn’t sleep.

We were married 5 ½ months later. The wedding was beautiful. It was simple. It was focused on our love and the bringing together of two families. Our Pastor prayed endurance, encouragement and harmony over us. At the time, I didn’t understand those three blessings but I am very thankful for them today.  The kids seemed genuinely excited about us getting married. My kids really liked Andy and his girls liked me and wanted a mom.  Then reality hit about six months into our new family. You can see it reflected in photos. Candid shots show the kids happy, smiling, laughing, hugging but posed shots are a different story. My oldest is stoic and his youngest looks lost. Precursors of things to come….

I can honestly say that over the nearly three years of married life, I have grown to love my husband more and more each day. Stepfamily life has been challenging for me, for my husband, and for all of our kids. But it is a challenge that I treasure. I think my daughter said it best when she said “I didn’t know what a stepfamily really meant. I didn’t know you getting married would mean I would move houses, change schools, change friends, and share a room…. I wanted you to get married but I didn’t realize everything that would go with it. It’s hard.”

Our house is built on faith, hope, love and commitment. My husband and I believe in our marriage and in our family. We are committed to one another and to encouraging others in their stepfamily journey. Our story is far from over. We will continue to nurture our marriage and our family; help our daughter with ADHD; help our son with a learning disability; care for the pets; our aging parents; deal with my husband’s ex-wife who voluntarily gave up rights to her girls under the condition of uninterrupted phone contact; deal with the aftermath of each of her calls on the girls; fight for my rights as a parent in my SD’s life; work with my ex-husband on parenting my kids; and the list will forever go on and on….

I have learned that my worst days are those in which I had my own expectations of how the day would go. I am learning to let go of control and to CELEBRATE the beauty of a boring day.

Heather Hetchler has a heart for stepmoms and remarried families.  She is the mom of four and stepmom of two. Heather holds a BA in  Speech Communication  and a Masters in Communication Research.  Heather and  her husband Andy  facilitate the DivorceCare course at their church which is a 13 week class to bring healing to those suffering from the pain of divorce.  They also serve on the team that leads their church’s StepFamily Ministry. In addition, Heather runs a local support group for stepmoms. They meet on a monthly basis to share their stories and offer information, hope and encouragement to one another. Heather is the founder of www.cafesmom.com