Keeping Your Character Intact

May 8, 2009 by Peggy Nolan

“To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts.  It makes it easier to stoop the next time.”

~ Katherine Hepburn

How often have you heard, “character is who you are when no one is watching?”  If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard at least half a million times…it’s something I even say to myself…especially when I want to skip down stupid lane in the worst way. 

And I have done things that I’m not proud of.  Things that I literally checked my integrity and character at the door and did some really stupid stuff.  

When I was going through my divorce, I found two emails that my ex-husband had sent me, telling me how his affair meant nothing and that he wanted our marriage to work.  After re-discovering those emails, I called my best friend and I read her those emails outloud and then I started laughing…not ha-ha laughing, but more of a fiendish laugh as I suddenly turned into Dr. Demented…as I hatched a plot that I thought would leave my ex-husband with nothing and no one.  And my silly best friend skipped happily down stupid lane with me.

I forwarded the emails to my best friend…along with a tirade of some nonsense about people with narcissistic personality disorder, and my best friend printed everything out, and snailed mailed it to the other woman at her place of employment.  

What neither my best friend nor I counted on was the other woman’s employer reading the emails…as the story goes, her boss handed her the opened mail and fired her on the spot.  Getting her fired was never the intention…simply showing her what a lying SOB my ex-husband was the ONLY intention.  Regardless…what I did lacked character, integrity, grace and dignity.  I stooped pretty darn low…and I dragged my best friend down into the sewer with me.

My ex-husband left me nasty messages.  Threatened all kinds of crap…he even called my best friend’s home with the intent to divulge her past indiscretions to her husband…fortunately, my best friend erased the voice message!

I made a BIG mistake by stooping that low.  I wanted to hurt my ex-husband, but I hurt the other woman in ways I would never dream of hurting anyone…she lost her job and her health insurance for her and her son.  So not cool…even if she was the woman who was sleeping with my then husband…My cause ended up effecting an innocent child.  And because Karma can be such a bitch, my divorce from public enemy number one dragged on longer than it really needed to.

After my momentary loss of character, I righted my moral compass…and determined to learn from my mistake, move on, and never do something so stupid again.  

I’ve read stories of a lot of ex-wives who do less than honorable acts against their ex-husbands, their ex-husband’s new wife, and if there are kids involved, they play nasty games…pitting their kids against their own father and step mom.  As an ex-wife myself, I want to shout out to all the ex-wives – KNOCK IT OFF!  You only prolong your own suffering, and you create a vicious cycle of suffering for your children.  You hurt innocent people with your acts of hostility.  I know…because I’ve been there.  It’s no way to live.

To my ex-husband’s wife:  We’ve never met, we’ve barely spoken 6 words to each other.  However, after I became a step mom to a very troubled teenage boy, I sent you a thank you card – from one step mom to another.  And right here and now – my apology to you and your son for my lack of judgement and character back in 2003 when I got you fired from your job.  I know we are both in much better places today than we were 6 years ago, but regardless of when my act of stupidity occurred, you deserve my  heartfelt apology.  I am sorry.

Character…Integrity…it’s who we are when no one is watching…

Make today about keeping YOUR character intact!