It’s Not About You

Jun 29, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

It’s not personal when a zombie attacks you. They have nothing against you. To a zombie, you’re a scrumyummie meal. Stepkids and ex-wives are kinda sorta like zombies. Your stepkids aren’t acting out because of you. It’s not about you. But they will eat you alive if you let them.

Your husband’s ex-wife isn’t behaving “bat shit crazy” because of you. Unless, of course, you purposely poke a stick at her and provoke her – it’s never a good idea to provoke a zombie – you just attract attention to yourself and remember, it’s not about you. As far as the ex-wife is concerned, you are any and every woman. Your presence in her ex’ life and in her kids’ lives is a full on attack to her ego – even if she was the one who left. You represent her fears, insecurities, and jealousies (and quite frankly what she manifests in you, you also manifest in her – it might be easier if stepmoms and ex-wives would just hold a mirror up instead.) You serve as a reminder of that which she once had and failed. It doesn’t matter to her who is filling the role she once had. She doesn’t see you. She doesn’t hear you. It’s not about you but she’ll eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if you let her.

Isn’t it time you stop taking so much of the stepmom crap personally? You can’t stop what the ex-wife is going to do any more than you can single-handly plug the hole in the BP oil spill.

Who am I to tell you to knock it off and focus your attention on things that are free from chaos and drama? I’m not a family counselor, a pyschotherapist, nor do I carry letters after my name like LCSW or Ph.D. I’m overly educated with a BA and an MA in things like American History and Information Management. Nothing to do with family dynamics, conflict resolution, or touchy feely kinda stuff.

What makes me an expert?

I am a stepkid – I know every trick in the book a stepkid will attempt and boy, did I pull a lot of tricks. I was the master of all things sneaky and manipulative. I could play my dad better than Charlie Daniels could play a fiddle.

I am an ex-wife – and I know what it’s like to be on the normal side of “bat shit crazy” because divorce makes normal people do really weird stuff. I know what it feels like to have a husband walk out on a 19 year marriage for another woman. I know the sting, the bite, the anger, the rage. I’ve lived through it.

I am a mom – and I know what it feels like to be a zombie. It didn’t really matter WHO my ex-husband ended up with. I still would have spit nails at Mother Teresa.

I am a stepmom – and I know all the feelings you are feeling. I’ve waxed philosophically about what could have been if only Richard and I had a baby together (but at our age, are you kidding me?) I’ve struggled with phantom pangs of jealousy and insecurity. At one point I even led myself down a slipper slope to be slaughtered by a zombie ex-wife and a zombie step-son (when a zombie moans “dinner” other zombies hear it).

I am a certified yoga teacher – and I can teach you how to create an oasis of calm right smack in the middle of a shit storm.

I am almost, nearly, only three tips away, from becoming a first degree black belt in Thai Kickboxing. I’m not sure how that fits in but it sure does sound nice.

For those of you ready to knock the crap off, put an end to obessessive and non-productive thinking, and to no longer take it personally, I hope you will tune in and listen to the next segment of Wise Advice. I have a special guest who will be joining me tomorrow morning as we dish the first agreement from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

• When: Wednesday, June 30, 2010
• Time: 7:00 – 7:15ish AM (I know it’s early but if I can do the show, you can listen! Free virtual coffee for humans and oil spill swill for zombies!)
• Where: The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show

And yes – this show will be available as a podcast and downloadable from iTunes within minutes of our live broadcast. (Hooray, right?!)

See you on the radio!