I’m Better Than Her – Part VIII

Dec 29, 2009 by Peggy Nolan

(Author’s Note:  I’ve applied the principles of conflict resolution to my own life, your mileage may vary)

Self-Betrayal corrupts everything.  We exaggerate the differences between ourselves and those we are blaming.  We see little in common with them, when the reality is that we are similar in many if not most respects. ~ The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

Sister stepmoms, doesn’t that just slap you in the face?  I know it made me sit straight up and silently scream at the words on the page.  Of course I’m different from my husband’s ex-wife!  I’m oh so much better, smarter, happier, grounded, stable, warmer, friendlier…right…and who crowned me Queen of the Universe?  Truth is, we’re more alike than not.  She’s taller and thiner than I am but underneath the lipstick and eyeliner we’re pretty much the same.

How often do you find yourself looking for the differences between you and your husband’s ex-wife?  How often do you catch yourself putting The Ex-Wife down (and not just “she has crooked teeth) but way down so you can make yourself look better?  How many times today have you “horribilized” the mother of your step children?  How do you feel after you’ve made someone less than you so you could feel better about yourself?  And quite frankly, I’m not talking just about your husband’s ex-wife.  This could be a family member, a co-worker, the lady down the street.  It could be anybody or even a group of anybodies.

How Do You See Things?

• Do you see yourself as superior, more important, virtous or right?
• Do you see The Ex-Wife as inferior, incapable, incompetent, lacking, false, wrong?
• Are you impatient, disdainful, full of contempt or indifferent towards her?
• Are you in competition with her and others? Is everything outside your door troubled or unstable?
• Do you feel you are better than sliced bread?  Are you judging?  Are you score keeping?

Recognizing myself in this “I’m Better Than” box was an icky feeling.  Years ago my oldest sister dubbed me “The Know It All” and maybe I still am.  My ex-husband used to tell me that I always had to be right (although I’m not sure how credible his opinion is of me…)  With Richard’s ex-wife, I’ve felt impatient and often indifferent towards her.  And after a round or two of self-analysis, I’d catch myself not seeing her as someone with thoughts, feelings, problems, dreams, and desires. And then I would feel horrible but until now, I could never really put my finger on why I felt horrible if I was feeling indifferent, resentment, disdain or contempt towards her (or anyone else).

According to John Gottman, “if you are speaking from a superior plane, that’s far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level. A lot of the time it’s an insult: ‘You are a bitch. You’re scum.’ It’s trying to put that person on a lower plane than you. It’s hierarchical.” Contempt for another is the act of de-humanizing that person.

“There are few things so painful as contempt from others; however, my own contempt for others is the most debilitating pain of all. When I’m seeing resentfully and disdainfully, I condemn myself to living in a disdained, resented world.” ~ The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

I don’t know about you, but living with resentment, anger, frustration, impatience, and a superiority complex is rather draining don’t you think? It’s one thing to get angry or have a momentary frustration as long as you can process it and let it go, but to hang onto it like your favorite stuffed animal is exhausting. Years ago and without realizing it, I climbed out of the “I’m Better Than Box.”  I did a lot of work on me to find the awareness to stop myself when I’d step into patterns of old behavior.  I’m not quite sure where that awareness went when I said “I Do” to the remarried life and my own whacky but wonderful stepfamily dynamic.  But I do thank the Arbinger Institute for their little blue book…oh yes…and the white and black one, too.

The Arbinger Institute has given me a way to diagram the mess in my head…and hopefully, I’ve been able to shed some light on the mess for my sister stepmoms as well. Join me next time when I explore the “I Deserve” or “I’m Entitled” Box…until then, you may want to check out this excerpt from Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking on Gottman’s research on married couples and contempt.

What can you do today to become a better YOU rather than a “better than her” person?