How I Got On With The Mother’s Day Dare
I am so pleased to introduce you to Wilma Ham, of WomenLikeMe and Wilma’s Blog fame. She’s been a guest on my radio show and now she’s a guest on my blog! Thank you Wilma – for having the courage to see the Mother’s Day Dare for what it really is!
In her post about The Mother’s Day Dare on 4th of May, Peggy suggested acknowledging somebody to show the appreciation we all so want to receive ourselves. We all long for acknowledgment right? So Peggy wisely pointed out that if we don’t give it our selves how can we expect to receive it? She dared some of us to send a card to people we have trouble with in our lives, like for example the Stepmom of your children or the mom of your SKIDS who you do not get on with.
WHAT?
Point taken about giving what you want to receive but this . . . NO WAY!
I could not possibly send a card to my ex mother-in-law who hates my guts, I would cause such mayhem, such gossip and such a backlash; nobody could win from upsetting somebody that way, would they? And by the way, why should I always be the one who gives in and extends the olive branch?
Why is SHE not acknowledging ME?
Oh Peggy, if only you knew what a war you unleashed in my head, fueling my ego big time . . . until I read it again and listened to what you actually said.
It was not about that damn card at all, it was not that kind of dare at all. It was NOT about upsetting the applecart to show off that you can, no matter what. It wasn’t about making me wrong when I wouldn’t send one either. That was all my ego listening and my ego talking.
What I finally heard was that it was about treating others as you wished to be treated yourself. It was about seeing the good in others despite their behavior which might or might not come from their own internal confusion and hurt. Peggy actually referred to stepping beyond my ego who can only think in terms of tit for tat.
It was about connecting the good in ME with the good in HER, the loving caring being that she ultimately must be with the loving caring being that I (a-hem) am.
Ahh, that looked a whole lot better; that made a whole lot more sense.
I still did not think sending a card was a good idea BUT I realized I could do some other acknowledging things that are just as valuable.
- I realized that I could stop talking badly about HER in an attempt to get people on MY side.
- I could stop seeing things only from my perspective and show some compassion for HER struggles and upsets.
- I could forgive and start to be willing to start afresh in each moment of contact.
- I could get over my ego-self and stop my ego putting oil on the fire. I could actually focus on good thoughts in HER direction.
Yes, Peggy, that I can do, I could even intend to keep doing this even after the Mother’s Day Dare is over. Yes, after all this I love to say that I am grateful that I finally saw what lay beyond that darn card idea. I am grateful that I got to see the good in all this for ME and for HER.
Thank you Wilma for guest blogging here today. I love how you were able to connect the good in you with the good in her and see things differently! If anyone else would like to start seeing and doing things differently, I encourage you to join Wilma and me at WomenLikeMe.
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What a wonderful, heartfelt way you took the dare to inspire good. For you and her. I love your take and story of how it came to be. I can feel the shift just in this post.
I, too, took the dare. I made a picture frame with four favorite shots of the girls. It was hard work to pick and frame, but I really wanted that for her. I figured since they were her children, it would be something she could enjoy. And you know what? I heard it’s on the fireplace mantel in the living room of her house. Pretty cool huh?
Happy day to you Wilma and Peggy. Xoxo.
.-= Angelia Sims´s last blog ..SITS BLITZ! =-.
A very though provoking and insightful post. We spend so much time being upset at others that we often don’t realize the drain that it’s causing on us. Every human being has some good in them, no matter what they have done.
By taking the time to actually look at what the other person offers and look for the good in them, we can actually start to feel better ourselves.
And what a better place this world would be if we just put as much energy in encouraging what is nice and beautiful rather than what is awful and dreadful.
Thank you for sharing your insights Wilma and for you Peggy in daring people to do something out of their comfort zone.
Hi Angelia, what an amazing thing isn’t it, to really pay attention to someone else instead of our own ego. What an awesome thing to do, what an awesome gesture to show that you care about the mother of your step children. What you actually do is sharing your love with HER as well and not just with her children. Thar must make her feel safe and secure AND included. Oh, you are such a generous soul and the funny part is it will all come back to you as well even if you do not do it with that intention.
Much love to you, xox Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Context is still King, I still mind what happens. =-.
Oh Claudette you got it in one. Holding negative thoughts is NOT adding anything to anybody, only the ego gets fed and the ego is definitely not the best ally to feed. I agree, there is so much energy lost in upset, it consumes and it stops a lot of things happening because we are so focused on what cannot happen. It was such a relief to feel compassion again, because I like myself a lot better when I am compassionate than when I am this petty, hateful person myself. It feels great to talk positive and no longer dragging her and me down. Because that is what it does, in the end I go down with it.
Yes Claudette, the world would be a far better place if we commit to focus on the good and thank you for hearing me and encouraging this difference in behavior. It starts with us; focus on compassion and goodness goes a long way and does have a ripple effect, love Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Context is still King, I still mind what happens. =-.
A very though provoking and insightful post. We spend so much time being upset at others that we often don’t realize the drain that it’s causing on us. Every human being has some good in them, no matter what they have done.
By taking the time to actually look at what the other person offers and look for the good in them, we can actually start to feel better ourselves.
And what a better place this world would be if we just put as much energy in encouraging what is nice and beautiful rather than what is awful and dreadful.
Thank you for sharing your insights Wilma and for you Peggy in daring people to do something out of their comfort zone.
Wilma, I love how you see things on such a deep and understanding level. You teach and inspire us all. Myself,I just looked at the “dare” as an opportunity for good karma, closer relations and an act of giving. I sent a simple, humorous card to the boys’ mother thanking her for raising such beautiful boys and she sent me an email back that blew my socks off. She trumped my karma that’s for sure (that sounds very ego based doesn’t it?). The simple act woke me up to so much love, appreciation and respect between the two of us that our lives are closer and we have a way better understanding of each other. I felt way out of my comfort zone doing this but I am forever grateful for the encouragement to do so.
.-= Lisa Bagshaw´s last blog ..Making It All Work =-.
Hi Lisa. Thank you for your lovely words and yes isn’t it amazing what comes up when you can see behind your own agenda.
I so appreciate what you say here;
“The simple act woke me up to so much love, appreciation and respect between the two of us that our lives are closer and we have a way better understanding of each other. I felt way out of my comfort zone doing this but I am forever grateful for the encouragement to do so.”
Yes, it is extremely helpful when there are others who assist and challenge us to see and act beyond what we can see. Most of the time we don’t even know what we are doing and these challenges sure are eye openers that there are other more productive ways to do things. It is fantastic that you have taken the challenge to this level, and I bet you all gained long lasting benefits from it. Thank you for sharing your story too, it is always great to hear what is possible when we take these challenges on and encourage each other. Much love, Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Wilma on “Is that so” =-.
As always Wilma, a wonderful and inspiring post. I took the Mother’s Day Dare and sent my SD’s biomom a card. Fortunately for me I am overworked and overtired so I hastily wrote out a nice note and stuck the card in with my SD’s gift bag that we had put together for her mom. I expected nothing in return but I think it’s when you truly don’t expect it that you reap the greatest rewards. A few days ago I got a note from the biomom that said (and I’m slightly paraphrasing):
Dear Dayle,
Thank you so much for the Mother’s Day card, that was really nice of you. I also wanted to thank you for spending so much time with Stepdaughter. She really respects you and cares about you a great deal. I am so thankful that Stepdaughter’s Dad found someone like you to help him/us raise our daughter. You are very much appreciated.
This will be a great journey we will all be on together.
Wow right? I did of course find out from my husband later that the biomom asked him to ask me if I could keep my SD 4th of July weekend (when we would normally have SD but my husband is away on his annual boys’ trip). I still think she meant what she said in her email but I also know her well enough to know that part of it was inspired by her desire for me to keep her daughter. Again, I think it was a small percentage of her motivation but it was still a big step. It is so hard to give and be compassionate when we’re all dealing with such complex relationships and situations but it was so rewarding to know that putting those little positive currents out into the universe can have unexpected positive outcomes. Thank you Peggy for this mother’s day challenge. I for one am very glad I participated!
Dear Dayle, it is amazing that you found time and energy to do this as I know how busy you are. AND what a result! Sending that card was a very generous act on your part. I know that my positive thoughts are also well meaning and all I can do right now, but a visible act is very helpful for the other party isn’t it.
They get to experience your generosity full on and the reaction of the BM is lovely. I do get your caution however she did not have to be that generous and explicit in her reply back.
I do agree that it is hard to give when you feel that there is more taking going on and yet if nobody takes the first step who ever will???????
Dayle, what you did was good, very good and I too think Peggy did a us a great favor in daring us. Hugs Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Your ego can’t collaborate. =-.
Dear Angelia ~ Amazing and wonderful, isn’t it? What a generous gift you gave her and her response is just as generous. I am so glad you and the girls’ mom put so much positive thought and energy into the Universe
Dear Claudette ~ I loved what you wrote, “We spend so much time being upset at others that we often don’t realize the drain that it’s causing on us.” How true how true how true! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom here!
Dear Lisa ~ I am cyber high fiving you right now! Way to go on making it all work!!
Dear Dayle ~ It really is when we leave our expectations behind that we receive amazing gifts. What a beautiful note your stepdaughter’s mom sent you. I have goosebumbs!
Dear Wilma – Thank you so much for guest blogging here! Your article says it all!!
Love,
Peggy
Dear Steve,
My apologies – your comment ended up in my spam filter! I cleaned it out today and saw that you’re comment really wasn’t spam…or even green eggs and ham…
Thank you for acknowledging Wilma’s awesome article and the Mother’s Day Dare…how I hope women everywhere will stop with the negative energy and spread the positive.
Love,
Peggy