Fixing My Own Train Wreck
A long, long time ago, in a lifetime far away, I waged a seething and silent war against a woman who had an affair with my first husband. I fought valiently, keeping my feelings in check, biting my tongue, and doing the weirdest and strangest things…like having lunch with her and showing up at every single military function that I knew she would be at. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I could handle it. But each time I walked into the lion’s den, I got hurt. And I got angry. And I bottled that anger up inside me.
It didn’t take long for it to bubble up and boil over. I was at my first husband’s promotion party – and it was a big party. Multiple kegs of beer and bottomless tequilla bottles. Yeah, I got drunk and so did everyone else. It was at this party, though, that I reached my limit of all that “in your face” crap that I could take. I saw the other woman standing in my first husband’s space having an intimate conversation with him. That space…my space…and there she was owning every inch and every air particle.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…inside, my anger sizzled. Fueled by liquid courage, I marched over there and stood between them. I pushed my first husband away from her and I turned to face her, my fist raised.
Had it not been for a good (and sober) friend, I would have been in jail with assault charges pressed against me. I was that angry. I was that stupid.
Low and behold, that same feeling found me again. Years and years and years later. A lifetime later, there I am, on vacation, at the family reunion in Florida, sitting at a table in between my sister-in-law and brother in-law. Richard is sitting diagnally from me, next to his ex-sister-in-law. His ex-wife sits down next to him. So far so good. I’m cool. But then she infiltrated his space, with her finger, trying to touch his face where he cut himself shaving.
Richard jerked his head away and phyiscally moved his chair away from her.
Adrenaline rushed through me like a Florida hurricane. But before I could say a word, Richard’s sister did, “Don’t you dare…put your fingers in my brother’s face…”
The Ex-Wife’s gesture, whether it was conscious or unconscious, was one of ownership. One that said, “neener neener neener.” I fumed. I fidgeted. At least she had the decency to get up and leave the table.
My oldest step daughter saw what it did to me. She asked me if I wanted to talk. At first I said NO because I don’t want her in the middle of anything. But she persisted and asked if a walk would be good. My sister-in-law agreed and the three of us went for a walk around the block.
I’m tired of self-editing myself. I’m tired of catering to the dysfunctionality of Richard’s ex-wife. I know she’s a hurt person. I know she regrets throwing Richard back into the fish pond in 2002. I know how much she can’t stand that Richard has really good relationships with both his daughters and that I do, too. I’m tired of her behavior. And I’m just tired of making decisions and worrying about her and if I’m stepping on her toes when she could give a rats patootie if she’s stepping on mine.
I explained to Richard why I was so upset and that while I don’t own his space, her actions made me want scream, throw a tantrum, and yes, disfigure her nose. Another reason why I love my husband so is how he responded to me. He understood! He empathized! And he told me that he would figure out a way to tell her to back off.
The next day, we had yet another big huge family function to attend. The Ex-Wife was there and I kept a wide bearth. I stayed clear of her the entire day and I was doing really good until…my youngest step daughter asked if it was ok if “mom came over to the house to spend time with the grand baby.”
Of course it’s OK! After all, I told her that it would be not only ok, but expected. I just didn’t want her staying with us (Read my article, Boundaries for a re-cap). I was perfectly fine until she put her fingers in my husband’s face. I didn’t want to be anywhere near her until I could get my real feelings and my distorted feelings processed.
Suddenly, The Ex-Wife’s brother is asking me if it’s ok because he was the one driving her around and besides, he and his wife wanted to see our snazzy digs. I told him it’s was fine. Her sister, who stayed with us, asked if it was ok, too. I think my teeth froze in a fake smile, but the last thing I was going to do was create more drama, trauma, and bad karma.
Back at the ranch, I poured myself a Tuscan Lemonade. Richard pulled up a chair right next to me and held my hand. I enjoyed conversation with those who were lounging around the lanai and deck with us. I showed the Ex-Wife around and the only nice thing she said was “must be a bitch to clean.” I just smiled.
You know that feeling of rubbing sand paper on something really soft, like your feelings? That’s what my insides felt like. The sand paper only got courser until I figured out what I needed to do for me.
I pressed NO PLAY and opted out of the next family function, which was breakfast the next morning. I nearly opted out of my ticket to see the Red Sox. That would have been shooting myself in the foot, but I got over my inner two year old temper tantrum pretty quick. I decided that I was the last person the Ex-Wife needed to see on her last day in Florida. Give her the space to live in her dysfunctionality without engaging in it or intentionally putting myself in harm’s way – even if it’s harm I inflict upon myself (I have my own dysfunctionality to contend with!)
No Play was the best thing I did. I figured out that what I was feeling was the same feeling I felt over seventeen years ago when I was face to face with the woman my first husband had an affair with. I was able to make sense of my feelings and fix my own personal train wreck.
The last two days of my vacation were the best. I went to see the Red Sox and took some really great pictures of the players at bat. Richard and I, his kids, the grandbaby, and other family members, spent our last day on the beach soaking up the warm Florida sun. Richard and I took a nice long walk in the sand that ended with a delicious Corona Light. All’s right in my little world.
Ex-wife Who?
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Oh Peggy, what can I say? This whole roller coaster of feelings you describe here touches me so much. Your honesty is so amazingly comforting and so courageous at the same time. Your generosity towards everybody and then that inner struggle to keep the love you initially felt on the foreground while the dark feelings towards one person want to overshadow it all. Oh how certain people are getting under our skin even if we do not want that to happen, oh I all know it so well. And how we all struggle with our own feelings about all this. You my friend help me by saying this to yourself AND me “it is alright and you are still okay even when you feel that way and you can choose for yourself by going for “no play”. That is loving self care, I so agree.
Oh Peggy, you are the best to get through this all so lovingly and generously and honestly. You deserve all the love that was and is coming your way and thank you again for your daring openness, xox Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Wilma on The past only exists as thoughts =-.
You’re a trooper and a better woman than I!
.-= DJ Kirkby´s last blog ..Dates for your blogging diary =-.
You’re so brave! And a much better woman than I… if that had been me, the ex-wife’s nose WOULD have been disfigured!
I still have some growing to do.
.-= Cecelia´s last blog ..Mawgra Meets Kenny =-.
Hi Wilma,
Until I pinpointed what my unconscious mind was dredging up, it certainly was a roller coaster – and I wanted to get off as fast as I could. The drama, both on the outside and the inside my head, is just not worth risking my own happiness. How much time did I waste because I was in turmoil? The last thing I wanted was for the Ex-Wife to get under my skin – but she did – and with a gesture that lasted all of five seconds. NO PLAY was the best choice for me ~ I was able to take care of me and my feelings…put things in perspective…and stop the drama in my head
Dear DJ and Cecelia,
I don’t think I’m a better or braver woman than either of you! Not at all…I think we each have a set of circumstances brought on by stepfamily life that we have to navigate in the best way we each know how.
For three of the eight days of my vacation, I was feeling neither better nor brave. Just stuck.
xo
Peggy
wow, I was gripped by your story. We see my husband’s ex all the time, although I have not yet graduated to going on vacation together, or even having her to our house socially (I go by the baby steps philosophy), and I am always observant of their proximity to each other. They stand too-comfortably close to one another for my liking and there is a physical familiarity that seems to have lingered even years later. If I were to take it personally, (which I am aware of now thanks to the challenge…day 34!), I would find it disrespectful and passive aggressive towards me. I have tried to discuss with my husband but he does not get/see it. Your husband seems aware of his boundaries and your feelings and very respectful of you, so you are safe to work it out. Excellent self control Peggy. I would not have been so self restrained!
.-= Lisa Bagshaw´s last blog ..40 Day Challenge: Go Lighter =-.
Hi Lisa,
Baby steps is my philosophy too! Checking in with my feelings was so important. Had I not pressed No Play, I would have been a really awful train wreck. Richard was so cool – and for a guy, he knows that feelings are just feelings, neither wrong nor right. I’m quite positive he’s oblivious to some of her behavior, but in understanding me, he put himself in my shoes for a minute or two and realized he’d be pretty pissed off if he saw my ex-husband touching my face the way his ex-wife tried to touch his. Hands off bucakroo! You forfeited all rights to that kind of proximity when you dissolved your marriage.
As for taking it personally – I know I did. I do every time she gets that close. Last time, she planted a kiss on his bald head and I wiped off her lipstick smudge in front of everybody. Perhaps I should take my own advice and really work on this one.
Awesome…congratulations. That must have been very hard for you. I can’t imagine being in the same situation; however, I am still very new to the ex-wife scene.
Wow! I know myself quite well and I can tell you with certainty, this would not work for me.
I found out that my husband had an emotional affair last year. It saddens me to say, I am still not over it. It was not with his ex-wife, but suffice it to say, when I hear the name of the woman he had the affair with, I get sick. I never met her and am sure I don’t want to.
Peggy, you handled yourself beautifully. My motto of late is “be the best version of yourself” and you certainly were/are!
Dearest Ohio – I am sure you don’t want to meet the woman either. I have never met the woman my ex-husband had his second affair with – he’s married to her now – and she is my girls’ stepmother.
I was my best inner two year old that I could be last Saturday – that’s for sure!!
Wow! Sounds like the ex is trying to “mark” her terrority and establish herself as the alpha female. I am thinking you and your husband need to re-establish boundaries with the ex? No more joint vacations, holidays, etc. for a while?
It is triggers right? We give actions meaning when they trigger something inside us. Kissing your husband on the head and wiping off the lipstick would send me into a frenzie, but as you so aptly put it, it was a trigger from your past pain, you can choose how to react to it, and you can chose to not be around it. Not sure what else we can do with such brazen hussy behavior! Laughter is good too…it’s a pretty good story!
.-= Lisa Bagshaw´s last blog ..40 Day Challenge: A Better Relationship =-.
Hi Ellen,
This was the first time Richard’s ex decided to join the rest of her family in Florida since he and I have been married. I’m not sure if she was trying to mark her territory, but I am sure I made myself clear about what my boundaries are with her when I told her that she couldn’t stay with us. That brought on a whole can of worms that I stayed completely out of (see my blog post “Boundaries”) I don’t know if she does this stuff intentionally or not, but I know what my triggers are – and when she gets close enough to touch him, that trips my trigger. Knowing what my trigger is, its origin, and the anger that follows is half my battle. Cluing Richard in solved another fraction of it. Cluing her in – now, there’s a sticky ball of goo, right?
Why so sticky? Because her family kept my husband after she divorced him. Seriously. Her parents and step parents consider Richard their son and me their daughter-in-law.
Hi Lisa,
You get it! Triggers are exactly what I’m talking about. Her touchy feeling crap with my husband trips a trigger from my past. The same feeling I experienced with a cheating ex-husband resurfaces when she gets in Richard’s personal space. While I can sit and say how inappropriate her behavior is (and y’all would rally behind me, but that’s not what I need or want), what really is at play resides inside me. I can’t change her inappropriate behavior. But I can chose to tell Richard how much it bothers me. I can chose to not be around it. I did both. And in doing so, I was able to get to the source of my pain and do something about it. Make sense?
Congratulations Peggy on choosing not to be around the ex! That is the healthiest reaction to have. I can see how it is a bit sticky that the ex’s family has kept Richard and adopted you as their daughter-in-law. What does that make the ex to her own family? Wow! Lots of interesting dynamics. Peace be with you.
Totally makes sense. She has her stuff, he has his, and you have yours. Where the juicy stuff is is when you can see that it is your pain and you choose to work it out. Ironically, I find when you seriously take this tact, own it, deal with it, the behavior seems to dissipate…like it is some kind of test or something. When you are open to growing and healing, as you so clealy are, there are so many opportunities to face your past pain. I admire you for facing your fears…I’m way too chicken to go on vacation with my husband’s ex…you’ll get past it, heal it, and get your power back when you are around her. Then she’ll be frightened of you and your power and wouldn’t dare cross a boundary!
.-= Lisa Bagshaw´s last blog ..40 Day Challenge: A Better Relationship =-.
I’ve been so out of touch lately. I totally missed this. WOW. Good job Peggy!
.-= Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Hershey’s Better Basket Blog Hop =-.
Wow, I have A LOT of growing up to do. Had it been me, a fist would’ve flown.